Christmas Blues

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Christmas Blues

Postby cleo » Tue Dec 26, 2017 9:57 pm

Evening everyone

Well another Christmas gone and dusted, tomorrow 'anniversary' 6 years earlier i meet my son for the first time.

There are days when i think i am glad it did not turn out for the best, but other days, i would love to be part of his family, even just for a couple of hours in the year. But I know it will never be.

Apart from that nothing special, but just thought i'd make an appearance and hope everyone is getting on as best as can be.

Take care and best wishes for the New Year x
cleo
 
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby JJ » Wed Dec 27, 2017 6:22 pm

Hi Cleo :) how time goes on, eh? Another year nearly over.

It's such a shame that it's so quiet here on this forum - it used to be such a place of comfort to so many - but some of us are still here!

Sending best wishes to you and hoping that 2018 brings you some joy and maybe even some more contact with your son, if that is what you would both like...

I pop back from time to time, so I'll say Happy New Year for now and 'see' you in 2018!

JJ x
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby sylvie 1 » Wed Dec 27, 2017 9:17 pm

Hi Cleo and JJ

I hear you, Cleo. I have the Christmas blues too. Let's give each other a long-distance hug xxx
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby cleo » Fri Dec 29, 2017 1:01 pm

Hi Sylvie and JJ,

Oh so happy there is some-one still checking now and again, i also come abck to have a check on thinhs but its so so quiet...which i think is very sad, i guess i was Lucky to be able to catch on to the sinking boat as it were before it all went dead on here. This forum certainly helped me through a very tough period with my son breaking all contact with me.

I know i went on abit, but here was a nice place to 'let it all out' and having people who truly cared what the other person was/is going through emotionally.

JJ, deep down i don't think my son will ever contact me again, he has a busy life and i am probably the least of his worries. He came looking for answers and found them, now he can carry on with his life....as for me, well, he struck me down emotionally and i will never get over that, even 6 years after, the raw pain and memories of the few hours we spent together are just fickle now. I just feel used. But heyho, its in the past and that's were it will stay.

I know in my heart that i was totally honest with my feelings and told him all he wanted to know. And all i ever aske dof him was to spend an hour or two when i came to the uk to visit....was this asking to much or being "too intense" as my son put it?!! I really don't think so, but i guess he needed an excuse to stop our Relationship. He never did tell his A.mum about me, and i think that is the main reason he wnated no more to do with me, as like he wrote, he's had a great upbringing with fab parents......what more can i say.

Sylvie: How are you coping, here hubby is away over the Christmas and new year, so really just been sat on my own with my dog, thinking of how things could of been, but then get realistic again and think damn, damn, damn...bah humbug, haha

I will not let myself be pulled Under by my tears, i have done enough crying over the last couple of years to sink a battle ship, and where has it got me....nowhere...so now i am trying to be a self centered, non caring person, sometimes it works, but alot of times not haha.

And the more time passes, the more 'i would'nt say do not like my son' but i ask myself is he/was he really mine anyway..i gave him up, so really i have no say in the matter, he came looking for me and then just 'gave me up' too.

I do still see snippets of him on social media, but to be honest, i do not get any joy anymore, its like the song "Your'e just somebody i used to know"....i don't think either that if he did come back into my life (which i doubt very much as i have said to JJ) that i would ever believe i word he'd say and i would certainly not show him any of my emotions, i think really i would act as if he were a stranger to me and keep my distance. Doe's this sound harsh? I guess time is hardening me and my wall is slowly being built, so nobody can hurt me again like my son did. Looking back, he literally pulled the carpet from beneath my feet and fell flat faced.

Not sure i'm making sense, but heyho, i would'nt say i feel anger, but in some way i am annoyed. I feel stupid too for letting a complete stranger into my world and destroying it, after 30 years of hoping and waiting, just to be ignored and pushed away as if i do not exist!!!

Anyway it seems as though i've gone on a spiral trip again...but must admit its nice to 'air' some of my mixed emotions on here and so so glad there are still a few of you still tuning in. Mega hugs over the distances to where ever you are in the world, and hope 2018 is more cheerier than the last, who knows what it will bring, all i want, is to feel happy again, its not much to ask....hugs to you Sylvie and JJ and thanks for replying, its nice to know we are not alone xxx
cleo
 
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby Josie » Sat Dec 30, 2017 7:58 pm

Hallo Cleo and All,

Just checking in.

It certainly is quiet here now, I guess our various lives evolve different pressures and challenges outside of our adoption experience....I know that's true for myself. Although sometimes, I think it all just revolves around that very event, that one single event that changed everything...and thus adoption ripples out into our unfolding lives from that moment onward.

We were having drinks with some neighbours and everyone was talking about their families and Xmas plans.
As usual I half dreaded the 'how many children' question and all that goes with it.
I'd love to just say 'Oh I have a son and two grandchildren - they are coming over Xmas day'...as if it were nothing.

Anyway, before anyone had got around to me (phew) a young woman said she'd be seeing her half sister....and that her family was a bit complicated. She explained that her Mum had given up her sister for adoption but the daughter had reunited as an adult. She said 'Mums a bit of an emotional mess really....it all stems back to what happened to her when she had my half sister' - she teared up a little.
I had to make an excuse to get some air - but later had a little chat with the girl.
We both felt we had much in common in terms of understanding 'adoption'. Bless her.
Mutual support is everywhere isn't it?

Christmas is certainly a tricky time - as I said to someone recently - "Sodding Christmas"
I'll up date that.... "Sodding Bloody Christmas"

Warm hugs to everyone - you are all such brave and lovely folk.
I'm sorry that I'm not very regular here, I guess I ran out of steam, the whole adoption thing can beat you up sometimes....and it doesn't seem to get easier with age.

But life can be extraordinary and wonderful can't it?
I went for a walk in our lush native bush yesterday, it was glorious.
I plan on a day reading my favourite poems, going for soul refreshing walks, just a quiet one.

Sometimes being with friends who don't quite understand is too energy consuming....
I can imagine some of you guys here can understand what I mean.

Take care everyone....
Love
Josie X
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby cleo » Sun Dec 31, 2017 6:08 pm

Evening Josie

Lovely to hear from you too...yes how often i have thought that too, i'd love to say i have a son and now 2 grandchildren.. my only grandchildren. We i read about friends who are now becoming proud grandparents and enjoying christmases and birthdays, i get a sinking feeling thinking this could of been me too. But nowadays i get my realistic cap back on quickly and go for walks or think of something else. Which in the past used to be so hard to do, time does not heal the wounds, it just helps to deal better with the pain that is deep inside.


Josie, did you talk to this Young girl about your situation or just say that you understood what she must be feeling?

I hate Christmas, why, because it's the time when myself and son meet up, which looking back i thought it was a good idea, but because the reunion failed, chirstmas and new year are now a painful time for me and i am just glad when it's all over, well i say that, but in fact next week is also my sons birthday and the week after that, mine..so actually i will be glad when the Christmas period and half of january have passed.......Too many memories to deal with and yes Josie i'll join you in saying sodding chrismas...this year i have been saying Bah Humbug and even have a bracelet saying it, haha

I do not have anyone i can talk to about what i have been through apart from my husband, and on here, but my husband been working over Christmas and new year, so i'm just sat at home with my thoughts, so the energy consuming is quite low and like you my walks help as i look around me and take in mother nature.

Later on i will shutting off my phone and going to bed before everyone starts with their happy new year and all that jazz....i cannot let the emotions rise thinking back at this time 6 years ago and what was said and felt between myself and my son...it doe's me no good to go back to that place, as the years go by i wish it never happened. I feel the deep pain in my heart rising wondering about my 2 grandsons and know they are growing up so fast and that i have no idea if they know about me or not.

Josie i did not know you had two grandchildren too? Do you have any contact, how old are they? Gosh we both have similarities. My grandsons are now 7 and 3, i have only meet my first Grandson when he was just a year old, of course he will not remember me at that age and it was just for an hour or so.....

Anyway, i will come back here to see if any of us are still looking for breathing space, as it were, its lovely to hear from you all, i do miss our chats and wonder how everyone is coping as time goe's by..woumd be nice to hear from athens too and hear how she is getting on with her son. I sure am keeping everything crossed that it works out for her.

Take care one and all and Bah Humbug until next year, haha xx
cleo
 
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby Josie » Sun Dec 31, 2017 8:12 pm

Hi Cleo,

Yes, Christmas can certainly be a trigger time - and like yourself, it's a season of memories which stretch over several months, from the birth of my son to the last day I saw him and ultimately the horrific day of 'signing' the adoption papers.
Most years, in fact every year the holiday period has been full of activity - this year, for the first time that I can remember, its just been quiet. And in some ways, it's a little less lonely than the whole 'people' thing....last year was riotous with all sorts of party events...and a few times I honestly felt like I may collapse with emotional exhaustion as my insides were heavy and grieving....whilst the outer had to keep up with the flow.
As I said earlier, sometimes things don't get easier with age....or perhaps we just can't 'fake' it until we make it so much.

So, a good time to nurture the simple things that bring little joys.

In answer to your question, I do have a strong connective relationship with my son and grandchildren.
I guess I'm one of the fortunate few....

But, there is still a loss, still a realisation of something that simply is not there.... history, ordinariness, just normal rough and tumble family life as Mother and Child ......and it grieves one. This is not mine to cherish.
I'm not writing this to bring anyone down, but to acknowledge that this loss exists and it's no good papering over it.
I'd rather be gentle with the grief and loss, and then manage that particular pain with some honesty.

At the 'social' event the young woman and I had quite a conversation.
She seemed to have a profound understanding of the effects of adoption, and spoke about how it had impacted on her Mother, her relationships and the entire family of siblings etc.
And of course the half sister.

We all carry different stories don't we?
It's heartwarming when we find shared experiences, and an understanding that adoption and reunion isn't quite like the few minutes of film as seen on Long Last Family....although I think the show is handled with relative sympathy given its 'entertainment' so I don't mean that as a criticism.

It's good to hear that you've found a way to manage the hurt of not having contact with your son and grandchildren.
We HAVE to survive, we really do.....because how do we know what next year will bring or even ten years hence where our 'showing up' and being 'there' can be a game changer in any kind of circumstance.

Take care.
Josie
 
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby maisie » Sun Dec 31, 2017 10:23 pm

Hi Everyone, and thanks for commenting on this Festive Season. As a birth mother who has only met her son once, 8 years ago, I do find Christmas, New Year and my birthday (today) very emotionally difficult. He is my only child. We are in touch sometimes by phone and letter, but reunions are not necessary continuous happy ever after stories!

I have been on my own over the holiday period as I was brought up in care and have no real contact with family. My only brother died in July. Spent most of today watching back-to-back Long Lost Family on Really TV. It is the only thing I identify with at times like this. All the people with ordinary families do not really understand what it is like to not have that sort of connection. I don't say much to people about it, just accept this is the way things are for me. But it is lonely and painful. I felt really pleased to find recent comments on this website, as often there are no posts. Just wanted to say that I do appreciate what people say here, makes me feel less alone in the world. Most of my friends have children and grandchildren and it is not easy listening to their family get-together tales.

I do find ways to be part of the world most of the time, and I'm thankful for that. But I think only people in the adoptive world really know how hard and complex this journey is. I wish a Happy New Year to one and all. xxx
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby athensrunner » Mon Jan 01, 2018 1:26 am

Hi Everyone...I am hoping that you all survived the holidays. I know it the holidays can be very hard on some of us. Personally for me this holiday has been bitter sweet. As some of you know I reunited with my son this year...and it has not been plain sailing...he was never told that he was adopted and in 2017 has to deal with that he has found out his life has to certain extent been a lie. To top it all off his adoptive mother passed away in November. What I take comfort in, is that son finally knows about me, he knows he was wanted and my circumstances did not allow me to keep him. He knows he has my love and support whenever he needs it...and he was willing to give up some of his precious time to be with me.

We have to come to sort of an agreement...until he is ready (which may never happen) he is OK with me sending him little messages and he sometimes answers with song lyrics or youtube videos about feeling depressed and confused. If I understand him right, our agreement is that I get to see him, even for if it is only for a quick coffee whenever I'm in Athens (already booked my tickets for this year :wink: ) Personally, I have more than I could ever hoped for...and this year I will be able to send him a birthday gift (a bit complicated, I will do a separate post on that).

However, I am a bit of an outliner when it comes to dealing with social gatherings...if I am asked if I have any children I will always say yes...I have one son...if further explanation is needed I do try to educated people to the trauma adoption can cause for generations...btw programs like Long Lost Family does not help....you will be surprised in how many people think that a reunion means rainbows and unicorns forever after. They do not understand that we have to deal with some complicated issues...as a (birth parent) I have had to forgive myself for a decision I made under extreme circumstance and no matter what...I cannot change my decision...I have learnt to live with it...my son on the other hand have even more complex issues to deal with...too many to go into details with now (I can expand if you want me to in another post).

So before I will get on my soap box...I will wish you all an happy and healing 2018.
Birth mother in an international adoption, reunited with my son in 2017...still working at our relationship, it is a long process but I think we will get there eventually.

My ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby JJ » Mon Jan 01, 2018 6:11 pm

Hi everyone - I'm not the parent of a child who has been adopted - and I can't possibly imagine what it must be like. I was single when I had my daughter, (38 years ago) and my adoptive parents were keen that I should have her adopted as I had no real means to support us both, but I was fortunately able to keep her. I do appreciate how very lucky I was. She didn't have financial wealth growing up, but she did have stability and love and that was the best that I could do for her.

I have been able, through conversations with my birth parents, to sense little of the emptiness and loss that comes with that situation and the fact that reunion isn't necessarily the point at which everything is resolved.

It seems that this forum may be slowly coming back to life? I hope so - it has supported me when I really couldn't talk to my friends or family about my search anymore, and in isolation it's good to know that someone who is empathetic is there sending a virtual hug.

A resolution of mine is to check back at least once a month and connect with anyone who has posted - it must be a bleak feeling waiting for a response. I know that a listening ear and a friendly word can act as a little sparkling jewel if nothing else amid the terrible pain that those in the adoption triangle can experience.

With apologies for piggybacking on the birth relatives' page, but I was so moved by your posts. Jj x
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby cleo » Mon Jan 01, 2018 7:12 pm

Evening again all

Well just made it into the new year, my dog was terrified by the fireworks this year, normally she's ok, but i think it all got too much for her. So we went to bed about 9pm but awake at midnight because she was shaking so much....But we made it through....And a new year begins!!!!

Josie, it's nice to hear that you and you son do have contact and also with your grandchildren too, i now remember you telling me this before....brain cells needed charging after these past couple of week. I must admit i like it when its quiet, i am not a "party-goer", i will join in but then there is a moment i will retrieve into a corner and just need space and quiet, i guess my mask falls.......i just feel as though i am carrying a heavy heart around over the christmas period, knowing all too well in the back of my mind, that my son has his family around and enjoying his son's open their presents from santa, and then enjoying new year and then next week his birthday.
Who knows what this year holds or the years to come, but like you said we'll survive and carry on as best we can.

Maisie, its lovely to hear from you again, firstly Happy Birthday to you and cyber hugs, but also condolences for your brother. Like you i only saw my son for 9 hours in total over the span of a couple of days, and then a couple of mails and then drifting into nothingness, until silence, i totally agree reunions are not happy ever after stories for alot of us, and watching christmas movies where there are family reunions where everyone is always happy in the end, does my head in. And hearing christmas songs full of joy and happiness.....
I have been with my dog over the christmas period as my husband is away until next week, and i do not talk to anyone either, the only person who knows is my husband, i have never talked to anyone else except for you guys on here, where i can let go of some of the pain i feel. Like i said in my first post maisie, most of my friends who i know are now becoming grandparents and saying how happy they are to be sharing first chirstmases etc, and here's me thinking, well i've been a grandmother for the last 7 years, and in fact i have 2 grandsons, but, i have been shut out of their lives, and for what real reason? Oh dear, sorry, i'm not going to go down that path, (kicking myself up the bum) get a grip!!
There are more times that i prefer not to be part of this world and be in my own space in my own bubble, where nobody can hurt me or tell me lies, and where i don't have to wear a happy i'm all right jack mask all the time. I am getting better, like i said, perhaps getting more asocial with age, but this is what i prefer now. Like you said Maisie, adoption is very complex and the feelings and emotions very vif.

Athens, great to hear from you too, i was wondering how you coped over the christmas now you have your son in your life, sorry to hear about A.mum dying, never an easy time, i remeber it was with my sons A;father dying , his reason to get in ocntact with me, but he knw-ew he was adopted from an early age. I cannot imagine what is must be like for your son not being told.
Its lovely that he is going to give you time when you go over to visit, something i just wanted from my son, nothing else, just a moment for a coffee or a chat....but i guess my sons time is too precious to take a few minutes out for a mum who had waited over 30 years in hope to hear from him.
But i will not fall back into that spiral anymore, i take a deep breath and rise up. I realise the first couple of years it jsut drove me down and down to a point of nearly no return, but then i told myself i was better than that and that he is not the reason that i should be sad all the time, so with the help of my husband and my dog, i got back up, and now can go forward again, its taken a good few years, but i will not let anyone drag me down, i do not deserve it, i am a good person and would of loved my son million times over, but not anymore. He changed me. I was strong at 16 and i am stronger again at 52 ( nearly 53) haha

I hope you get on your soapbox when you have time, it would be nice to hear how things are turning out for you, and yes time, we all need time to breath and take in what has happened.

Hi JJ, lovely to hear from you and that you have come piggyback riding onto the birth parents forum haha, i think its nice to have views from all sides and to learn about other peoples experiences. Like you, this forum helped me at my worst point in the adoption spiral and its thanks to these great people that i am here today and hope that any new comers can come and talk too, as most of us do not have anyone else to talk too or understand the deep pain we feel. I do come back often, but sometimes there is nothing here for months, but i will always be here, like the olders were here for me at a time i needed somebody to understand and help.

I am glad we all survived the christmas and new year and hope this year will be more joyful, even through the pain we feel surge up now and again.....we are strong....Cyber hugs to you all, even though i don't know any of you, its just nice to know there is somebody out there behind their screen with the same understanding...Take care and here's to us xxx
cleo
 
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Re: Christmas Blues

Postby ladyarcher70 » Thu Jan 04, 2018 3:49 pm

Oh, JJ ....... to have been an adoptee, who was then able to keep their child ...... what a beautiful thing. At last, a circle squared, and one child in the world who will not feel the distance between itself and the rest of the 'normal' children.......not that your daughter is a child now of course. The stability and love that you talk of amounts to a very special sort of security, and it is one that adoptive children know is missing from their lives, no matter how good their adoptive parents are. The adoptee may not always know how to name that missing part, but somewhere, deep down, they feel that something is missing, and it is that feeling that sends so many of us searching.

Athens, your boy will be in a turmoil now, of course, and he is very lucky that you have the right form of self knowledge to be able to help him at some point when he knows that it is you he has to come to for help. His turmoil will be doubly compounded with the loss of his adoptive mother, who he did not know was not his mother........simultaneously almost with finding you. I fear you both still have a large mountain to climb.

Cleo, I wish you were not so much alone ...

Maisie and Josie ........ thoughts with you both too......

LA
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