Some assistance please?

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Some assistance please?

Postby D4v3y » Tue Mar 14, 2017 8:14 am

Hi all,
I am David, 37 years old and adopted. Until recently I havent felt like I should look for further details of my adoption but since my son was born and rushed to hospital a year ago its was hard for me to just sit there and say we have no family history of illness.

I have started having problems with my hips and suffer from depression, so it is time I feel to try and get some family information about who I actually am.

I have applied for my adoption certificate from the Southport Office, but I have not told my REAL (those that brought me up) I am looking as I dont want to cause any kind of upset to them.

Where do I go from when I get the certificate? Can anyone advise?
Last edited by D4v3y on Sat Apr 15, 2017 9:14 am, edited 2 times in total.
D4v3y
 
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Re: Some assistance please?

Postby cleo » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:00 pm

Evening David,

I have read your post but sadly i cannot help you as i am a birthmum myself, but hopefully LA will see your post soon and can give you the help you need, but i just wanted you to know that there are people here, its just that it gets quiet for quite a while.

Is your son seriously ill that you need medical history, if you do not mind me asking?

I am sorry to read that you are suffering from depression.

I think its nice you have been honest with your a.parents that you are looking for your birthmum, how did they react?

My son never told his a.mum that he was looking for me, or that he had found me...which i think is sad, because from a very young age they were always honest with him that he was adopted, and they showed him his orginal birth certificate, so that one day he would have the information about me to find me.

Have you tried any other options in the meantime? Or found anything else out?
cleo
 
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Re: Some assistance please?

Postby D4v3y » Thu Mar 23, 2017 8:46 pm

Hi Thanks for taking the time to reply.
I haven't yet heard anything back from the adoption office here in the UK yet. Hopefully some day soon though.

Jacob my little one isn't ill but with me having asthma, depression, IBS, restless leg syndrome and plus now these issues i am having with my hips we do really need to know as my wife is classed as disabled (fybromalga) with brittle bones and serve hypermobilty it's quite a mix! Plus if there is any heart or other illnesses I need to be aware of its best to be prepared.

I haven't tried any other options yet I am using this time for the certificate to arrive to think over is this something I really need to know.

I have thought long and how about the questions I would ask. Obivously the health ones first and foremost. I don't know if I want to know why what happened happened I guess it's something that could be very hard to explain. I won't be asking them to beg me for forgiveness I don't blame theme in any way for what's happened I have had the best upbringing possible and that's thanks to them putting me up for adoption.
I can't understand how anyone would blame birth parents as it happened for a reason. And a good one.
I don't have to meet them just get the answers to the health questions is what I am after anything else is a bonus.
Last edited by D4v3y on Sat Apr 15, 2017 9:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
D4v3y
 
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Re: Some assistance please?

Postby cleo » Mon Mar 27, 2017 6:08 pm

Hi again

Oh crikey sorry to hear about all the illnesses both you and your wife have, i guess the medical history is something of course that would enlighten things.

My son never actually asked me about any health issues when he found me, but i was very honest with him and told him all he wanted to know anyway, and he too was lucky to have an adopted family that gave him all that i could'nt.

Sadly though he cut all contact with me after a couple of months, after telling me that i was a grandmother...my very first grandson, and i have recently found out that he has had another son too, so as you can imagine i have been going through alot, not knowing what i have done so wrong for him to cut me off like he has.

But he made it clear that he has got fab parents and has jad the best upbringing he could wish for.

I know before coming to find me he felt guilty towards his a.parents in wanting to look for me, and i guess even to this day, this is also the reason he never told his a.mum about me.

His a.dad died of cancer and that was the reason that gave him that extra push to come looking for me. But anyway going off the subject, i hope you hear from the authority's soon and that you get some information about your birthmum.

Bye for now
cleo
 
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Re: Some assistance please?

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Apr 15, 2017 1:35 am

Hello David...... and welcome .....

So sorry not to have seen your post sooner. Our family life has been a bit manic this last couple of months with a new grandchild, who turned out to be grandson number five ..... we also have two granddaughters. Little Osian is just nine weeks old today..... also a week ago our older daughter got married, and we jointly on their wedding day celebrated our Ruby Anniversary...... so the computer has been a bit neglected lately.

Well you have taken your first step ...... I have to say that my experience is perhaps a bit out of date now, despite Cleo's kind recommendation.

I was lucky in that I had always known my birth name, so when I was about 22, and married for the first time, and living near London, I took the notion to go and get my birth certificate. In those days, 1966, the Records were kept at Somerset House, and one could go and ask for them with very little problem or hold up.....I guess because so few were doing it then.

I was shown which Register to look in, to see the actual entry which was handwritten in copperplate writing, and of course had been written in 1944. It had the names of both my birth parents, and I did not even have to make a note myself as I was then given a full copy of the entry. This gave me my mother's full name and her address at the time of my birth, and also, in my case, my father's full name, Army number, rank, battalion, and barracks at the time of my birth. In having my father's name I was also lucky, because he had been the notifying parent. If a man was not married to the mother, it was illegal for her to put his name on the birth certificate unless he was standing there acknowledging parenthood. This is why so many adoptees do not have their father's name. I think that this is still the case, although judging by watching the dreaded Jeremy Kyle show, many girls put someone else's name on, or none at all ......and they don't seem to get into legal bother when they deliberately put the wrong one.

Anyway ....... my view had always been that my relationship to my birth mother was hers and my business, and not that of any official authority, and you have to remember that in the 1960s there was not officially any ability or structure to help in searching, either for the adoptee or for the birth mother. That is a very recent change in the law. Having my mother's address was good, although I was not living near there at the time, and I couldn't drive then either. However a couple of years later my then husband and I moved out of London to our first house, and I had our first son. This brought us within 30 miles of my birth address. My first husband was very against me tracing my birth family, but I persuaded him one evening to drive me there - just to look at the house, it was unlikely, being 25 years later, that there would be anyone still there - I had my baby son, and was vastly pregnant with my second son so I guess my husband thought he'd better do as I asked .....

When we got there I demanded that he stopped, and I went and knocked on the door of the house next door. An elderly lady came to the door....well she seemed elderly to me at aged 25, but she was probably well younger than I am now. Anyway, I asked for my birth mother by her name, as if I was unsure of the address. The lady looked me up and down and said, 'I know you....you're one of .........'s girls, which are you, Eileen or Laura'?' I said 'I'm Eileen, who is Laura'? .....she said 'she is your sister' .... and that was the first I knew that I had a full sister....so, that made two searches to do .....apparently I was the spit of my father, whom the lady had known well, and so she recognised me although she had not seen me since I was under two......... the lady said that she had been fairly close friends with my mother and that my mother's marriage had broken up when her husband came back from several years abroad in the war and found five children, when he had left only three.....he could count...he said he would keep the marriage going if we were got rid of, so we were sent to the childrens' home........ but pretty predictably the marriage didn't work.........the upshot was that my mother's husband took his three children to his mother....gave up the Council house, thereby making my mother homeless. My father had been posted abroad within a couple of weeks of my sister's birth. She is only sixteen months younger than I. So our father's name is not on her birth cert. My mother was thus deprived of all her children at a stroke. She was also homeless, and couldn't contact our father...... usual army secrecy etc, it was 1945 and the war was almost over, but not quite. She had to go to her relations down in Portsmouth, and when my father came back looking for her and for us, no-one knew where she was, and the Authorities wouldn't let him have us back. Eventually he had to go back to Canada as the war was by then over, and his posting was over.

It is difficult for us to appreciate, in these days of quick technology, mobile phones, the internet, and practically everyone having a car, how difficult it was to move about, and to contact people. The lady told me that some years later the village grapevine had said that my mother had possibly remarried, and also had been very ill and had possibly died. I asked for a search of marriage and deaths at Gosport Registry Office,Gosport being the area of Portsmouth that she had gone to. This turned up a marriage licence dated about ten years after my birth, but there was no death record, so somewhere she was still alive. I could do nothing more at the time as I had just had my second son..... two babies in two years keep one fairly busy, and I still didn't drive. Within two years my then husband's job moved us to Wales......and shortly after that he had an affair and went off with the lady in question, breaking up our marriage, and hers. I moved back to my adopted parents' house in Hampshire with my two little boys aged two and three. I learned to drive, and one day went down to Gosport looking for the address on my mother's marriage licence. The area had been cleared to make way for a new road, however the details of all the people rehoused was kept at the police station, so I was able to get her address, drove there, and found her. The first thing she asked me was if I had found my father as she had loved him dearly.

I had been right not to involve any officialdom in my search as she was a very timid lady, totally in awe of authority figures such as doctors, lawyers, teachers etc. and she would have run a mile if approached like that. I did trace my Canadian family some years later, by then I had remarried and had three more children. Sadly I was not in time to know my b.father, but amazingly he had told his later children that they had two English sisters, and he begged them to try and find us. So I am very lucky in having good contact with both sides of my birth family.

My search for my full sister took actually 40 years. It turned out that she had been adopted very close to me, I was in Guildford, she in a village about ten miles away. I had known that she was not far off as the same man had registered our two adoptions. However she had never wanted to trace, was not internet savvy, and also travelled abroad a lot, and had a home in Ireland, so none of my internet appeals reached her, and I had even done a radio broadcast on 'Loose Ends' . Also, shortly after it started, I had put a message on the Adoption Contact Register, it sat there for years, fifteen years to be precise, and luckily I updated the address when we moved house. We had gone to live in Scotland for ten years after my second husband took early retirement, then moved down here to Wales when our Welsh son in law wanted to bring his son up in Wales....... my sister suddenly at aged 64, decided to look for her roots. She went the Social Worker way, and the first thing the Social Worker did was to check the adoption contact register........and there sat my enquiry, ready and waiting. So we were reunited. Sadly of course it was way too late for my sister to know our mother....... but we are all in loose contact with other half siblings.

Anyway, that was the route I took, and was successful. I think that it is both easier and harder now to search. The internet helps a lot if you have a few clues, however taking the official route is very long and frustrating with many hold ups. I would advise going on the adoption contact register at Smedley Hydro. It is not very expensive, and you can opt to go on both parts, i.e. searching, and agreeing to be found, this covers if a sibling knows about you and is looking for you. Phone them up, they are very helpful. If you have any clues at all, my view is to do it yourself, the relationship between a mother and child is no-one else's business. You know you are adopted, your mother knows she had you, so you are not telling anyone anything that is a shock. This would be different with the birth mother searching, as not everyone is told they are adopted, so that could be a shock. To go a bit further along the road, if an approach is to be made, like I did with my birth mother, it should be done very discreetly..... a woman's husband or further family may not know, and you could be causing a lot of pain. So make sure that an approach is private, no phone calls that have to be explained, and no letters ..... many disapprove of 'door stepping', the term for the direct approach, but that is close to what I did, although I waited until my mother came out and I made sure she was alone when I approached her....in fact her husband, who was a diamond, knew all about her past, but her daughter didn't at that time.

You are the same age as my older daughter, the one that just got married....so that sort of gives you and I a 'contact' so do get in touch, either through the main board, or via a private message if I can be any more help.

LA70
ladyarcher70
 
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