What to put in a letter to bm?

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What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby Leila » Sun Mar 29, 2015 7:18 pm

Hi,
I think I have found bm address and I'm seriously considering writing a letter.

I don't want to cause her any distress but I'm so curious.
Has anyone else written? Do you do it yourself?

What should I put?
Thanks.


Leila
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Re: What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby ladyarcher70 » Thu Apr 02, 2015 6:02 pm

Hi Leila......sorry not to have replied sooner, I have not been on here a lot lately .....

I'll tell you how I contacted my b.mother and the reasons for doing it that way, and you can see if you think this way would suit you.

I won't go into all the details of how I found my b.mother, it would take several pages......it was way before the days of the internet and involved a fair bit of certificate checking and walking about...

....... I had decided that my relationship with my b.mother was a thing that was totally private, and just between ourselves........ you see, it was not the same as a b.mother turning up on an adopted person's doorstep and surprising them........an adopted person might not know they were adopted .......... a b.mother knows she has had a child, therefore it is not a shock to her....... it could well be a shock, however, to have a b.child find her........it could also be a big problem if whoever the b.mother was with did not know........

So, no letter, because she might have to explain it to a present husband, or children...... no phone call, for the same reason.....no 'doorstepping'........for the same reason. What I did, was to watch, and then follow my b.mother when she went shopping.....I made sure that she was not with anyone, but also that she was in a large crowded area........ no lurking on deserted footpaths etc ......plenty of people around, so if she wanted she could turn and go........so, in fact, could I...... I had young children, and if she had been someone that I did not feel it was right to have around my children, and to be introduced as their grandmother, then I could go too......I did not have to give her my new name, or my address........this may sound harsh, but you have to protect yourself as well as your b.mother....

I approached her, as I said, in a crowded shopping centre....... I said her name, and she acknowledge who she was, and I said 'I think you are my birth mother........' at first she was confused as she thought I was one of the daughters that had been taken away from her by her husband when they divorced.......... that's all a long story too........the long and short of it was that we chatted for a while,she was lovely, I took her to see my two young boys, her grandsons........we continued to be in contact for ten years until her death. Her husband knew all about her life, and was a dear, if rough diamond........she eventually had the courage to tell their daughter about her previous life........

I know, that if I had gone through an intermediary from Social Services, I would never have found her........she was of a generation and social level that was terrified of authority figures, and had anyone like a solicitor, doctor, policeman, etc, approached her, she would have run.....

.... so, that's how it worked with me......... hope that is of some help to you ........

LA70
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who had died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked......finally found full sister six years ago, after a forty year seach.......I found out about her when I was 25 ........ she was adopted separately to me.........
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Re: What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby cleo » Wed Apr 22, 2015 7:25 pm

Hello leila,

I am a birth mum, my son came looking for me just over 3 years ago..;his first letter to me was via Facebook, in a private message, saying hello, his name and that he has been looking for me and hoped that i was the right person he was looking for and that if i was'nt that person he was sorry for any trouble.

But i was the person he was looking for, and i replied back....the start of a short Relationship. My husband knew about my son from the very beginning, but as LA has said, its not sure alot of BM have told partners or other members of the family.

Its not easy either way, i have just seen your mail that was posted in february so wondering if you have already tried to contact your BM
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Re: What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby Leila » Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:09 pm

Hi, thanks for your reply.

Yes, I did send a letter to see if it was bm and she very kindly telephoned and spoke to husband and said it wasn't her. I then found another possible bm and wrote to her and her daughter very kindly wrote back but again, it wasn't her.

My twins Sw has located our file which is in my authority but they say they can't find it! My authority haven't done anything.

We have no information at all except bm name. Everything else my mum burnt and says she can't remember anything except we might have 2 older brothers.

I'm glad you heard from your son and you replied. Hope that's going well.

Leila
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Re: What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby julie2009 » Fri May 01, 2015 3:06 pm

Hi Leila

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of locating your birth mum. It was nice of that person not to leave you in limbo and let you know for sure.

I would keep on the authority about locating your missing file. A lot of times these things are mis-filed or the easiest answer is they can't be found so a person decides it isn't worth all the bother.

Hope you manage to find out all the details you need to know.

Let me know how you get on.

Julie xx
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Re: What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby cleo » Mon May 04, 2015 5:54 pm

Hello leila,

Sorry to hear you have'nt found your bm yet, i have heard a lot of stories about files being misplaced etc...;i was told that my son would porbably be adopted in a nother part of the country...only then to find out nearly 30 years later, when he found me, that he has only lived about 10 minutes up the road from where i used to live and where my parents still are.

Sadly f you read my letters you will find out that my son has stopped all contact with me, after two years of total silence. I am slowly getting over the hurt but its not easy, i had been waiting for all these years to hear fromp him, as i had no info on him whatsoever and hoped one day he would come looking for me.

I guess he was not expecting to have a bm that still loved him after all of this time, i was always honest with him and told him what he wanted to know, he has a son, my very first Grandson too, and since then he has had another son but i know nothing about him.

Its very hard to have try and understand, i had only met him on a couple of occassions as i do not live in the uk, but a total of 9 hours in all, then 2 years of total silence on his part with no explaination until i tried one more time saying that if he did not tell me what i did so wrong i would come looking for him, a couple of hours later he sent a text saying that he has had a great upbringing with wonderful parents and hoped that i could find closure in knowing he is doing ok and happy and that he wanted no further contact with me, and to send no more présents for my Grandson.

I am still heartbroken by all of this, i go over a million times what i might of said or did so wrong, but then again people act differently to situations, maybe me hugging him and telling him how much i missed himm all these years was too much for him, although he is in his 30's he is old enough to understand.

But anyway, i wish you the best of luck but just remember its not always honkey dory, i was so over the moon but then fell crashing down a couple of months later. I found out the hard way that its a minefield, and i did not know about this forum until after my son found me.

Take care
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Re: What to put in a letter to bm?

Postby ladyarcher70 » Thu Jun 04, 2015 6:02 pm

Hi Leila, I have not been on here for ages due to very busy family life, and some computer probs.....however have managed to get back at last.......

You say that both the ladies you contacted replied that they were not your birth mother, so that is bad luck..... and you say that your adopted mother has got rid of any papers..... my a.mother said she had done this too, but in fact after she died I did find a lot of papers, and also found that she had fibbed to me about a number of things........didn't really matter in the end, because I had managed to do all my tracing myself as you will have seen from my other post.

It occurred to me just now as I was re-reading this thread, that I had not suggested or asked you, if you were on the Govt. Contact Register.......this is just a 'sleeper' register, which you can leave a message on. Then if your b.mother or any siblings also go on it, the two messages are linked and you can be put in touch with eachother.......or you can opt not to be contacted, or to be contacted through a third party, like a friend, or solicitor, or Parson/Priest etc..... It is not very expensive, and your message stays there forever. This was how I eventually found my full sister. We had been adopted to different parents. I had left a message fifteen years earlier, then when she was 64 she decided to do some searching, and as soon as her social worker checked the register, there was my message waiting for her. We have known eachother for six years now.

If you know your birth names, you and your twin should be able to find out if you have older brothers, and what their names are......so that might be another way to find your b.mother...... do you know why you were adopted..... with my b.mother her husband was away for several years in the war, and she fell in love with a Canadian soldier. When her husband did come back eventually, he said he would keep the marriage for the sake of the older children if we two were adopted away........however he then took the older children away, and divorced our mother........so she lost everything. She could not find our father because he had been posted abroad by then, and the army would not tell her where he was........by the time he got back, she had disappeared because she had lost her house and had to move away......so they never found each other again.......he had to go back to Canada of course, at the end of the war.....all very sad.....

LA70
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