abducted children and adopted children

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abducted children and adopted children

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Oct 14, 2013 11:21 pm

The current re-examination of the McCann case is very sobering........seeing the clips of the family's own holiday pictures, merged with reconstruction pictures makes poignant viewing........my thoughts turn to the fact that, if she is still alive, wherever she is ....... then her experience will have paralleled what happened to a lot of children who were adopted at a slightly older age.........I am not here, going into the tricky subject of what, or how much a v.small baby feels or understands, and how it is affected....... my thoughts are with the bewilderment that must be felt by a child that already has language........one hopes, if she is still alive, that she was 'stolen to order', and that she is at the very least with people who love her.......any other scenarios are unthinkable....

.........but to return to the adoption of slightly older children ......how long does it take for memory of 'how things were' to fade....

...for myself, I was two ....... I have no conscious memory of living with my b.parents for my first two years.......however I do have two very clear visual memories which in fact were verified when I found my b.family and talked with my two half sisters who are ten and nine years older than I. For many years I had been asking my a.mother where my chair was......I had a little primary size chair that was stained or varnished very dark green ....... in fact, when I found my b.mother's next door neighbour when I was 25, she had an old photo from the 1940s, showing me, and my 'halves' with that particular chair........I recognised it instantly although of course the picture was in black and white....... some 20 years later, when I found my half sisters and showed them the photo, they confirmed that the chair was dark green..........the other memory I had, was of an old fashioned scythe, in the garden shed, yet my a.father had never had one........again, my half sisters confirmed that there was one, in the garden shed, and we had been constantly reminded not to touch it because it was sharp........I also remember the look, and the 'feel' of a grey knitted dog soft toy that I had, and that it had a red ribbon as its collar.......my a.mother said that it came with me possibly from the childrens' home.........but my new life was Church centred, and at Christmas apparently I insisted on giving it away at the 'Toy Service' where all the Sunday School children took toys to the front of the church and put them by the Christmas tree to be sent to the 'poor children' in the orphanage, in this case to Spurgeons Homes, which were supported by the Baptist Church.........was I sending it back in my 3 and a half year old mind, to the childrens' home.......I don't know.....

..I have another memory, that I had thought was from after adoption, but I don't think it can be......I remember standing up in my cot and moving the heavy brown velvet curtains to see out of the French doors....... and seeing what I have always thought was my a.father in shorts, mowing the lawn with a push mower, in bright sunshine...............I was in my cot downstairs because I had measles and in those days children with measles were kept in the dark ....... however at the time of year that I had measles, he would not have been mowing the lawn......as it was winter .......so I am not sure if that was two different memories that overlapped in some way.......

........On top of that, whatever the slightly older child's experience has been, there will have been certain set ways that things will have happened.......some of these may not have been good, of course............but good or bad, there would have been some continuity, and certain people who filled certain places in the child's life, it might have been a long term foster home, more likely these days than a childrens' home........but with adoptees from earlier times, like myself in the 1940s, and others in the 50s and 60s, it could well have been a period spent in a childrens' home.........words that were used..... something as basic as the word for wanting the lavatory.......whatever the euphemism that a child had been taught for that function, it is likely to be different from the words used in the child's new family ....... if there were other children, .......possibly siblings or other foster children fulfilling the position of siblings.....'auntie' and 'uncle' foster parents, or perhaps actually known as 'Mummy and daddy' .....and all of a sudden, all these familiar faces and names.......just.......disappeared ....... I know that these days there is generally more effort made to make a transition gentler, with visits etc.......... however years ago, this just did not happen.......the perceived wisdom was that a child 'settled' quicker if there was a 'clean break'........

.......and so.......if that little mite is still alive ....... this sudden complete change will be what she too has experienced ....... and, if she is found, how, on earth, would any return to her 'birth parents' be managed ........

born 1944 - adopted 1946 you know the rest........
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Re: abducted children and adopted children

Postby ladyarcher » Sun Oct 20, 2013 4:03 pm

Very quiet on the boards still ....

.....maybe a lot of us are thinking about this new 'found child' ......the little blond haired girl of around four years old who has just been found in Greece ........quite bizarre in that I said in my post about Maddie,......how on earth could she be returned to her parents...and the same would apply to this little one......if indeed she has parents who want her..........it could also be that she is the result of a relationship and that she was left somewhere so that she would be 'found' as the gypsy couple say she was, and that they loved her and looked after her.......

..if, of course, she was found as a tiny baby, it rather seems odd that she 'recognises' the name Maria, as is alleged in the media coverage.......of course, any media stories have to be taken with a bit of a pinch of salt.......and also, of course, 'Maria' is a very common name in many countries.......so may well 'be familiar' ...........if the 'parents' had been trying to conceal the little girl, one would think that they might have gone to the extreme of dyeing her hair dark or black.........but she is very blond, and from the media pictures looks as if she is the sort of blond that also had pale eyelashes, and pale blue or grey eyes...

.....whatever her origins, one can only pity the confusion that she will now have......taken from the 'parents' that she knows, .....put in 'care', and possibly eventually 'returned' to a family who do not know her, and whose language she may well not speak.........what damage is done to children when this happens to them.......as it has happened to many adoptees ........

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Re: abducted children and adopted children

Postby sylvie » Tue Oct 29, 2013 11:28 pm

When I read the McCann's book about the abduction of their daughter, I unexpectedly recognised some elements of their experience in the relinquishment of my son...

Not knowing for years if your child is alive or dead.

Living in a state of suspended animation, like an everlasting held breath, until you see them again.

Continuing with daily life but always accompanied by the ghost of your missing child, their absence never alright, never painless, always pressing on your soul.

Longing with every fibre in your body to turn back time and change a decision you made so that your child need never suffer as they have.

The deep self-berating when you realise that, as a new parent persuaded into a false sense of security, you took a course of action which has proven to be so profoundly damaging to your child and your self (ie. leaving your children in an unlocked apartment while you eat nearby, because it seems like such a child-friendly, safe resort / giving your newborn baby to strangers who you have never met, just because the professionals say you should).

The understanding that, if your child ever returns to your life, they will be changed by what has happened while you were separated from each other.

The terrible realisation of how vulnerable your child was when they faced the world beyond you, and how - knowing this - you would do anything to hold them close and prevent that from happening.

The agonising feeling that your child must've felt abandonned by you.

The connectedness that remains even while they are gone.

The recognition that your mature child might never forgive you for the decision you made that affected them so deeply.

Being surrounded by harsh voices that enjoy easy judgement of the greatest mistake of your life, and whose hard hearts add to the pain you already feel.

I know that this won't be true for everyone else in my position, but these are some of the feelings I have regarding my son's adoption which I think I also saw within the McCann's book. I don't want to draw a direct parrallel as I can't possibly know what it feels like to be in their dreadful situation, and I so wish they could be reunited with their daughter, but I was surprised by how many times I thought 'I know that feeling' while I was reading.

PS Ladyarcher, I found your original post on this topic fascinating.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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