Dilemma

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Dilemma

Postby Turtle » Tue Jul 30, 2013 9:15 am

Post removed for personal reasons.
Last edited by Turtle on Wed Aug 28, 2013 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Jackb72 » Tue Jul 30, 2013 12:46 pm

Hi turtle

I've found what I think is my family tree on genes reunited by who I think is my niece I thought f**k it ill ask to see the tree and sent a message. The site generates a basic message so I sent that I don't think she's looked lately as I've not had a reply.

I also think I've found my sister and I'm contemplating mailing a letter offering basic info as in hello don't mean to freak you out but I'm tracing my family tree and I think we're related without giving away how. then ask if she was related to my bmum and bgrandparents and that I would like to corresponde via email and offer my email address if and when I get a reply I would then explain.

The only thing that's stopping me is I told my sw that I would follow his advice and meet my birth mother first. The thing is I'm getting a little impatient if the searchers haven't found my bmum yet then like me they should look for my sister who was kept by my bmum.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Turtle » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:04 pm

Funny how we worry more about other people's feelings and opinions, than our own. I am not trying to have any direct contact with my father, however, I really don't want to cause him or his family any pain by interrupting his life. We end up tip toeing around life to keep other people happy.

As for your social worker. What if he can't find your mum? You could be wasting time, when you could be making contact with your sister. If you want contact, then I would go ahead and contact her. Always go with your gut feeling.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Jackb72 » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:16 pm

I'm a bit old fashioned I said I would jump the gun without talking to my sw first and would like to follow his advice. However, time is of the essence and without rushing into things I can't wait for the searchers he is using to slow coach it with my details. On the 24 nov I fly to Australia for good so I would have at Least met my sister!!
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Jackb72 » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:21 pm

Forgot to tell you between our last posts I emailed the sw letting him know that I think I'd found my sister and offered the information to him and the searchers if it would help.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Turtle » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:39 pm

It seems to me that social workers work at their own speed. They have no sense of urgency.

Good idea to let the social worker know that you have found your sister. Maybe he can follow it up instead.

Bottom line, you are on a tight schedule. You need things to happen before you leave the country. Social workers aren't gods. They don't always make the right decisions. Sometimes you have to dance to your own tune.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Jackb72 » Tue Jul 30, 2013 1:48 pm

I appreciate your support. What I've also remembered is he's off till 14th aug. ill have to ring the office but I don't know if anyone will help? I think I'll compose the letter and sit on it then look at it in a couple of days. Only thing is I've got nightshift starting tonight so my mind will be in over drive and tired. Not a good combination for making quality decisions.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Turtle » Tue Jul 30, 2013 2:22 pm

I have had to deal with SS a lot recently, due to another issue. It is amazing what they can do if you put a rocket up their backsides. You have limited time, so there is no reason why you can't press them a bit.

There is no rush to write the letter, you don't have to send it tonight. But you can have a good think about things and weigh up a few options. No harm in doing that.
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Re: Dilemma

Postby skyebluepink » Fri Aug 02, 2013 12:34 pm

I would ask... she can only say no. Just say that you are interested in your father's tree because you think there might be some links to your own and it would help you develop your own tree further. It's not a lie. I have come across people on ancestry who have my close family in their family tree, and I have no idea who these people are - someone very very distantly related! so I would just ask and see what happens. It will only eat away at you if you don't, and there will always be that question in the back of your mind.

It may also be the case that if she is his wife, he may have told her about you. The fact that someone is researching their family tree might make them wonder if it is you. You might get even more information than you are expecting. But if she doesn't know anything about you, I don't think it would raise her suspicions. I have always found people on ancestry willing to share freely.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
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Re: Dilemma

Postby ladyarcher » Fri Aug 02, 2013 2:17 pm

I would agree with SkyBP ......... also, it would be a pity to go at the pace of the SS, and end up leaving for Australia before anything had got anywhere.......if you then found that your b.father would have liked to see you, it would be rather gutting to be out of reach on the other side of the world................life is short, and opportunities actually are rather few ...................it might come to nothing.......but if you don't try, it certainly will come to nothing........and 'too late' is one of the worst phrases in the English language........

LA
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Re: Dilemma

Postby Turtle » Sat Aug 03, 2013 7:54 am

Thanks Skyebluepink. I have contacted the Ancestry member today and totally concentrated on the grandfather and his side of the family tree. Hopefully this will lead her to believe that my connection is further away, than it actually is.

I have made no mention of who I am at the moment. If she pushes me on that front, I will say that I am adopted, but will keep things vague so that she can't connect me to my father. I assume at this point, unless she knows about my adoption, she will connect me to the grandfather's first wife and that side of the family.

My gut feeling is, that if she is the wife, she may well know about me. If she is someone further down the family, maybe a sister-in-law or niece, then the chances are that I will not be known about.
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