Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby DiamondStarHalo » Wed May 22, 2013 10:46 pm

Hi,
I've just joined the forum so this is my first post.
Cut a long story short, I was adopted in the early 70's at 10 days old, been searching for Birth Family since early 1990's.
I found BFather about 3 years ago, made contact, didn't quite go to plan so we're not in contact any more (my choice) - but I am in touch with his other daughter (my half sister), which is going really well.
Have had little luck finding BMother in 20+ years, so I had paid to use Norcap's Locate & MakeContact service. They traced her to a current address, my intermediary had sent a couple of letters with no reply, then Norcap went down the pan! Talk about timing eh??!
My intermediary is still helping me on an informal basis, but its not the same. She has written to BMother again, still with no reply, and has suggested a knock on the door might be a good next step. I don't feel brave enough for that ... but as I finally have an up to date address for BMother, and I am within 100 miles of her location (lucky eh?), I have finally tonight plucked up the courage to write her a letter, which my husband is going to deliver by hand.
And I just really felt like I wanted others on the forum to share the experience with me...
It's nerve wracking ... its scary ... its hopeful ... its everything I didn't want to do (20 odd years of norcap membership told me this is really NOT the way to go about it ... I had wanted an intermediary to get the breakthrough and be there to support me!)
But, on the other hand, i'm tired of waiting, tired of getting nowhere, tired of keeping a respectful distance and all that ...
So here we go. The rollercoaster ride might just be beginning.
Wish me luck??
DiamondStarHalo
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu May 23, 2013 7:28 am

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I do wish you luck and fingers crossed its not a difficult journey,
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby Turtle » Thu May 23, 2013 3:38 pm

I hope it goes well, DiamondStarHalo and that you get the result that you want. Please let us know what happens.
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby L12 » Thu May 23, 2013 5:22 pm

You never know,..... perhaps the personal touch will make all the difference.
There is something incredibly powerful about seeing handwriting especially in this electronic age.
My fingers.. and toes are crossed for you x
Intercountry adoption at 6 days in 1969.
Found BM in Apr 2010 after 13 year search.
Discovered that BM has been married to BF for 40 yrs and i have 2 full siblings. Met birth family in Dec 2010 in England, spent an African Christmas with them in 2011.
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby julie2009 » Wed May 29, 2013 9:39 am

Good luck with your search. I remember sending a letter to my BM sister at the start to confirm she was the person I was looking for and I received a reply confirming she was but she contacted me by telephone at my work place of all places a week later but I was off work that day and she left a phone no. for me to ring. I plucked up the courage and rang the no. she left. She immediately answered and I just froze. She kept referring to her sister as my "mother" and she then broke down saying she couldn't believe the day had arrived and asked me to tell her about myself. I had so many questions to ask her but again the mind goes blank. We started to email each other and she started to send me photos of my BM and her family in the post. The emails started to fade out and I received a card from her just after Christmas last year and even on my 40th birthday I received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her. I was shocked that she remembered my birthday.

The reason why the letter had to sent by post was because this person lives some distance away from me. I had managed to track her down by the aid of a person who ran a lost relatives forum in her local newspaper and by chance she knew the family well even though my BM sister said she had never heard of her.

Fingers crossed you BM does make contact and everything turns out well as you hoped.

Julie xx
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby ladyarcher » Wed May 29, 2013 11:04 am

Welcome from me too, DiamondSH......as everyone who has been there always says, its the waiting, and waiting, and waiting, that wears us down .......the nerve is got up to send a letter.......and that takes nerve in the first place........then a wait........ then a bit longer wait.......then you think, maybe they are away, on holiday, moved, been ill, had some other friend or family member who is ill, or worse.......etc.......letter gone astray, mis-delivered......all the reasons why you have not got a reply........and the worse thought of all, that they do not want to 'know' ......and that last thought is the one which really nibbles away one's confidence .......

You say that 20 years of Norcap membership have made you think that the direct approach is not the way to go........well, you are not doing quite a direct approach really, as your husband is acting as an intermediary in a sense........of course, when he gets there she may not be in or whatever, on holiday, gone to the shops, off on a day out, or maybe someone else will answer the door, a husband, an adult son or daughter, a granchild.......there are so many permutations of possibilities........it really is so difficult.......

When I contacted my b.mother for the first time I thought around it, in that if I sent a letter, someone else might be there when she received it, and she might have to explain it, especially if she was upset........the same applied to a phone call .......and to a knock on the door........my thinking had always been that our re-acquaintance was purely our own business, just us, mother and daughter, no intermediaries, no one else there, or knowing about her business, or mine for that matter ......we each knew that the other existed, so it was not going to be the sort of shock that a man might possibly have if a pregnancy had been kept from him............so I waited around, and she came out to go to the shops.......I made sure she was alone, but that she was in a crowded place so she wouldn't feel isolated or vulnerable.......she lived in a flat over a shop on the edge of a shopping centre so there were plenty of people about and she could walk away if she wanted to.........I wanted to be alone myself as well, because I wanted to have my own opinion of her, and had it turned out that she was not someone who I wanted in my childrens' lives, then I too, could walk away......that may sound harsh, but it is something to remember........not all b.mothers are fallen angels...........as it happened, she was shy, timid, lovely, and totally amazed that I had managed to find her.......this was well pre-internet days .........after her initial confusion as to which of her children I was, her first question was had I found my b.father, she still loved him after all these years.......sadly, by the time I found his family, he was gone.....

What I do know, is that had she been approached by a stranger/intermediary/social worker, who had appeared to have a lot of knowledge about a very stressful and unhappy time in her life, she would have run a mile.......authority in any form was very frightening for her .......so in my case, the direct approach was the only one which would have worked, and luckily that was the one I chose........

Good luck.......and keep coming back here for help and support, for you will always find it.......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1973 - sadly missed b.father who had died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked.....four years ago, finally found my full sister, adopted separately......I had found out about her when I was 25.....it took me 40 years to find her.......
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby DiamondStarHalo » Sat Jun 08, 2013 9:51 pm

Hello again everyone,
Thank you so much for your kind replies and encouraging words.
Well, we went and did it. Packed the kids in the car, did best part of a 200 mile round trip, and hubby delivered the letter for me. That was on Bank Holiday Monday. It felt so WEIRD knowing I was in my BMother's town, sitting in my car on her street, looking at the shops she goes to ... And the knowledge that I might bump into her in one of those shops or on one of those streets was pretty stressful, so we didn't stay around for too long - hubby popped the letter through the door (he said it was clear there was no-one home so he didn't knock), and then we turned around and went home again.
And I waited...
And after about 10 days I said to hubby, well, I guess that's that, she's decided not to reply.
Then on day 11, just as I was about to give up hope, I received a call from my former Norcap intermediary. She was calling to say BMother had sent me a letter c/o her address! I asked her to open it and read it for me - if it was a "get lost" then I'd rather hear it over the phone than have to open the envelope myself .... but it wasn't. It was a very kind letter, saying she was glad I had found her and hadn't given up on my search over the years, that she had often thought about what it might be like if I decided to find her, and that she would like to hear from me again if I wanted to write. She also said it felt strange knowing that I had been at her door, posting my letter, but that she had missed me - her exact words were "So near and yet still so far away". That sentence has really sent a shiver through me - it just seems to ring with such sadness somehow ...
And if she knew I'm about to move at least another 200 miles away in a couple of weeks time ...! :O But that's just one of those things I suppose. It's what drove me to finally get in the car and go, because it was a lot easier to do it before we moved house than after.

BMother has also sent me a CD with some photos of herself on it, and that has been such a delight - I already knew what she looked like because BFather had given me an old photo of her from before I was born. But to see her now, in this decade so to speak, looking so well and happy, has been wonderful. She still looks virtually the same. And I can clearly see a resemblance - we have the same smile, the same hands ...

So, I got there ... at last, after 20+ years, I got there. Maybe it hasn't quite sunk in yet because I don't really know how I feel about it - no great rush of euphoria, just a quietly happy feeling of finally knowing she is there and she didn't slam the door on me, and that we can finally begin to slowly get to know each other ... And LadyArcher, I think you are right, the personal approach is exactly what seems to have worked. I could not and would not have felt able to door-step BMother, but a handwritten letter and photo seems to have been exactly what was needed. I'm glad I read other posts on here and took courage from that.

Thank you everyone again - I'm at the end of my search, and the beginning of an entirely new process ... wish me luck, and I wish all the best of luck to everyone who is still waiting and wondering.

DSH xx
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby julie2009 » Mon Jun 10, 2013 1:25 pm

HI DSH

That is great news for you and the start of a new journey for you both to get to know each other.

It is amazing when you see a photo of the person who gave life to you and a bit emotional too.

Take care

Julie xx
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Re: Sending a letter to Birth Mother...

Postby sylvie » Sun Jun 16, 2013 11:13 am

DSH, the tenderness in both your and her words is lovely.

I think it's that quality that helps reunions through any difficulties. Just keeping a tender, open heart.
I would say that's been the most important part of the deeply and mutually treasured reunited relationship that my son and I have created over the last few years.
There have been some very difficult bits, and some intensely painful bits, but keeping our hearts open to each other has been crucial.
It has stopped the minefield of fears and misunderstandings born of hurt taking over. It's kept our love on top. It's given us time to realise we can trust each other profoundly. It's given us time to get to know each other.

I wish you both a long and uniquely precious relationship. x
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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