Thank you for this site.

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby ladyarcher » Fri Sep 07, 2012 10:00 am

Hi, Hercinetom, and welcome - although you have not posted about yourself.......and of course you do not have to ........ I am glad that you are finding reading the posts on this site helpful. If you need tips about ways to search, and support and suggestions from people who have found ways of coping with their feelings, then this is the place to come......you will always find friendly listeners who have 'been there' and know how you feel......

LA
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Searching for my daughters.

Postby Andrea4875 » Sun Mar 31, 2013 10:57 am

Dear lady archer, I am new to this site I am currently searching my two daughters one is 19 and the other is 17 everyday I wake up they are on my mind. I search Facebook I drive down the area (Yorkshire) I visited manchester library, I just don't seem to get anywhere, I've spoken with social services they said they will send them a letter this was three months ago its getting really frustrating, do you have any suggestions. I leave messages on sites for them in case they are searching too. I was getting annual updates till it stopped 5years ago, they said the girls did not want to respond. I don't believe ss, if you do have any advice for me it will be much appreciated. Thanks Andrea.
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby ladyarcher » Sat May 04, 2013 9:22 pm

Hello Andrea........ I am so sorry not to have replied before.......we moved house a few weeks ago and it was ages before we managed to get back on line, and then I couldn't get back on AA as I had forgotten which password I used and my password and e-mail address book was packed in one of very many boxes.......I couldn't get an e-mail of my password as we had changed from aol to bt .......all very frustrating.......

Anyway, with regard to finding your daughters again you seem to be doing everything you can to find them........however I would bombard SS with messages and enquiries as to what response they have had to the letter that they say they have sent........they should out of courtesy let you know even if they have had no response......I do mean 'bombard' them.......i.e. ring and e-mail daily.......or even twice a day........eventually someone will 'crack' and actually attempt to do something for you........

You say you were getting updates until some years ago.......I assume that the updates were a simple 'report' without you knowing the girls adoptive names....or was it a letterbox type of update where you actually were able to exchange letters with them......if you know their adoptive surname, then you might be able to find the older one through the electoral roll, as she is old enough to vote.......have you any clues as to what school they went to.....there may have been something in the updates you were receiving that might give you a lead to follow, maybe something that did not look significant at the time, but could be a pointer now.......perhaps a mention of a Church function or a school fete or Girl Guides.....that sort of thing........if you do know the school, then perhaps Friends Reunited is still searchable.......it has changed so much that I find it impossible to use now........but maybe you can make sense of it.......

Have you put a notice on the Government Adoption Contact Register........ this is just a 'sleeper' Register, in that you can leave a message on it, and if the person that you are looking for also leaves a message then the two are linked and you are informed.........it has a small charge ....... but is worth it as the messages stay there forever..............I put a message on in the hope that my full sister would be looking.....we were both adopted, but to different couples......my message was still there fifteen years later when at aged 64 my sister eventually decided to search for her roots......

Not sure that I am being much help here.........a lot depends on how much information you have.......you will obviously know their dates of birth.......I don't know quite how she did it, but a lovely lady who sadly is not longer with us, was able to send me a list of everyone in Surrey who had the same date of birth as my sister.......it was just a long shot in case she had never moved out of the County......I knew that was where she had been adopted to, as had I.....anyway I wrote to everyone on that list, and rang quite a lot of them too.......no luck at the time because, as I found out later, my sister had moved away from the County when she married and had been travelling and living abroad extensively most of her married life because of her husband's job.......

Did your girls' adoptions go through an adoption society, or was it all through social servs. ........ if a society was involved, or one of the Churches, then they might help, or act as a go-between.......another thing you might do is to write to your MP, and your local Councillors......unfortuately we have just had the local Council elections, you might have been lucky in getting a response if your Councillor thought h/she would get your vote...however you can still complain to them about Social Services' actions, or rather the lack of them.......

Again, I am so sorry that I had not replied sooner.........do come back to the site for more help, or a rant, or a ((hug))

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby Andrea4875 » Sun May 05, 2013 8:27 pm

Thanks for posting Lady A, well I've some sad news recently from ss, both girls have had an emotional rollercoaster themselves over the last five years which will explained why I've had no response. I've been told in black and white from ss that the older girl Emma does not want any connection with her birth family and she suffers with depression and finds it hard to deal with her adoption and she is very angry. The other girl Zoe 17teen as had emotional and behavioural difficulties through her teenage years. They said at this time neither girls wants anymore information than they already have they do not want to access their adoption records or talk about their past, and at this time they have no interest in having any level of contact with myself or any other member of my family. This has really sickened me to the core. Don't know what to do next now. Yes over the years I've had information from a/p I think they are in yorkshire (Huddersfield) that's where I at to attend court to protest the adoption which I was defeated. Then they moved and said Emma loves it because there is an horse riding school near by and both girls joined brownies, the a/p said we have moved now to the country! And the last letter had leeds mail centre stamp on the envelope so thats where I think they are. I've drove down about 5 times now with no luck just yet. I still don't want to give up on them you see if they did want contact with me they Have to read that adoption file which I think is going to be more upsetting for them. I've been to Manchester library couple of times to look at the adoption register I think I may have a few surnames looked on face book no luck don't think they want to be found be honest with you. But I'm still saying to myself don't give up. Now stuck at cross roads any advice is very appreciated don't know which turn to take next, Help if you can you sound like an intelligent woman you must be you found your sis well done for that one. Anyway regards Andrea.
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby ladyarcher » Mon May 06, 2013 12:03 am

So sorry Andrea, that you have had a negative response at the moment about your daughters ....... sad that they both appear to have fairly bad issues about having been adopted.......you did not mention what age they were when they were adopted ........if they had been living with you for several years before you lost them, then they may remember their feelings of insecurity and confusion when they were moved........and of course may naturally blame you for it......I think all you can do is hang in there and keep detailed notes of all that you had done to keep them, and all you are still doing to try and find them.....also, it seems maybe a silly thing, but believe me will mean a lot to them one day......keep getting birthday and Christmas cards and presents for them, just as if you were able to give the cards and presents to them.........write them letters as well.......just saying about your life, what you are doing, what music you like, what films you have seen etc......one day they, or one of them, will change, and if you have all these things to show them that they were loved and thought about, then you will be a long way to forming a new relationship with them......

If you want to be proactive still, and are going to try to carry on looking for them yourself, then perhaps it is worth checking round the riding stables in case they still ride, quite a large area to search of course, and there must be lots of stables in the countryside around the Huddersfield area but it may be worth a try.....

.interestingly, when I found my full sister, we discovered that we both loved horses, and had both gone to the same riding stable.......I had known for a long time that we had been brought up near each other...........actually we were about ten miles apart..............me on the edge of the County town and her in a village a bit further out........we had not been at the same school as she had gone to boarding school...............she had her own ponies, whereas I was only able to go for lessons and rides........it is quite likely that we were both at the stables at the same time, but having her own ponies meant that she could just do as she liked and go where she wanted, whereas I had to go on the set rides which were led by members of the staff.......of course as children neither of us had any idea that we had a full sister........I discovered this when I was 25.......however my sister never knew until we were reunited in our 60s.....such fun......

LA
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby Andrea4875 » Tue May 07, 2013 12:41 pm

Hi there LA, that was nice about your sister with the ponies it's sad you both was not adopted together but at least you found each other. My girls where 3and 5 yrs old when they where taken. It all went wrong when I moved to another area and got mixed up in the wrong crowd should I say. The girls had a nice life with me and their Dad who sadly passed away now over 5 yrs ago that could be the problem too. We took them on camping trips, days out they where happy little girls. I've many fond memories and photos of them both. I've still got Emma's rocking horse and her silver cross big pram with them big round wheels in my mums loft. I was going to take a picture of them and send it to Emma. She is starting an equine degree course in September. There can't be many of them colleges up yorkshire that do those degrees. I'm still planning my next trip I don't think I can give up, ill only stop searching if I receive a hand written letter from the eldest girl and not from ss. I just want to find my daughters and say sorry to them. It's very hard living with adoption there's no closure each and every day it's on my mind. Do you have any other tips for locating? That was nice of that women who passed away to find the names with you sis birth dates, that's what I need some like her, it's hard work doing the searching and travelling too. Really hope to locate them this summer and if The eldest who is angry says to me stay away then ill respect her wishes and do so, them ill have some kind of closure. It's the not knowing that's annoying. Any how's thanks for posting LA kind regards Andrea.
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby DiamondStarHalo » Wed May 22, 2013 11:12 pm

Hi Andrea,
Was just reading your thread, really struck a chord with me and I just wanted to write you a quick note.
I'm an adoptee - different circumstances to your girls, but I guess many of the feelings will be the same. In my late teens, I was extremely angry about my adoption - it's quite natural at that age apparently, as you go through a big stage of forming your personality, and as an adoptee you often feel you don't have one. I hated looking in the mirror and not knowing who I was, I hated no-one talking to me about the adoption .. I just hated everyone and everything to do with it, basically. And depression is not uncommon among adoptees - sad but true. Doesn't mean its forever, but it does happen.
But please be assured, feelings change as people go through their adopted life. Teenagers mature into adults, and also eventually becoming a parent themselves will probably be a massive trigger point for your girls, when the urge to search may become overwhelming.
As much as you want and need it right now, as teenagers this may just be the wrong time for your daughters - whereas in the future they may feel more able to have contact with you. The curiosity never really goes away, and just knowing you have tried so hard to make contact with them may be just the reassurance they need when/if they finally do feel ready to say yes.
Adoption is life long process; feelings change. So even if you get a "never", it probably isn't really. As hard as it must be for you now, don't give up hope. I'm just about to try making direct contact with my BMother after 42 years... so as I say, it never really goes away, and I'm pretty sure one or both of your girls will feel ready eventually ...
Hope it helps, very best of luck,
DSH
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu May 23, 2013 7:35 am

DiamondStarHalo wrote: In my late teens, I was extremely angry about my adoption - it's quite natural at that age apparently, as you go through a big stage of forming your personality, and as an adoptee you often feel you don't have one. I hated looking in the mirror and not knowing who I was, I hated no-one talking to me about the adoption .. I just hated everyone and everything to do with it, basically.



My adopted niece is 16 and from what I've heard, she is feeling just as you've described so thank you for putting it into words. There's not much we can do to help her as we only share an annual letter (although changes are afoot, if you have time read my other posts re contact and facebook) - we have to trust that her parents are doing their best and she is having therapy,
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby Andrea4875 » Wed May 29, 2013 3:54 pm

Thanks at the moment I'm feeling like everything is drifting away. Only today ss said to me move on with your life, and ill never find the girls it's up to them if they want to find me its another hot rod in the back. I'm beginning to think stop searching and wait I've got no right apparently. There was a negative thread on my other posts. Just don't know anymore. Sorry did not reply sooner not been on for a while. It's nice to read positive posts. Thanks again ill take that on board what you said makes a lot of sense. Thanks again Andrea.
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby ladyarcher » Wed May 29, 2013 7:40 pm

Sad that you are feeling so 'down' at the moment Andrea ........ you do not say why the girls were adopted, and it is of course not my business, but it would seem from your post that they had a happy family life in their early years and if they do have memories of this then you can understand that they would be hurt and confused that it ended and they went to strangers.........and as others have said, even if they do refuse contact at the moment, things change as young people grow up and come to realise that the world is not 'black and white', and there are a lot of grey areas where right looks wrong and vice versa.....and nothing is simple .........at the moment they may blame you for not protecting them and keeping them........children/teenagers especially, can be very judgmental........... yet later they may understand why things ended up as they have, and that it was not all 'your fault'..... ......

You say that one of them is about to go to Equestrian college.......I am sure if you Google this there must be a list of them somewhere on the internet......I think that there are specialist ones, and also equestrian courses at Agricultural colleges.......so you might strike lucky ........it would perhaps be a case of just going to each one and watching students as they go in and out...not easy, and also a bit risky from the point of view of appearing to be 'watching' them....also of course it is often quite tricky to recognise individual students when they are all in a group, even ones you know well.......so depending on how long it is since you saw them, changes in fashion and hair styles etc could make it difficult....

Keep coming back here for help and support........there is always someone listening......

LA
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby Turtle » Thu May 30, 2013 7:20 am

Andrea4875 wrote: Only today ss said to me move on with your life, and ill never find the girls it's up to them if they want to find me its another hot rod in the back.


I think if you want to find them, and you obviously do, then you should keep searching. You will never know how they feel, until you ask them yourself. It is really between you and them. No one else can influence that, not SS, not friends and relatives, not people on a forum etc. It is the "straight from the horses mouth" concept. You really need to now how your daughters are dealing with things, and how they view the situation. That is what matters, not everyone else. Plus, if you look at adoptee on here, some change their minds. Some who didn't want contact, with time, did, and visa versa.

Andrea4875 wrote: There was a negative thread on my other posts.


Remember, posts are just opinions, they are not facts. You can chose to agree with them, or not. All situations are so different, one persons view of the adoption process, can be totally different to someone elses. So just because someone has a negative view, doesn't mean that the same things apply to you. You have to go with your own believes. There is a fantastic Taoist believe that encompasses that. It roughly says, that you shouldn't allow other people to influence who you are, not people who pat you on the back, to build your ego, or those that stab you in the back, and shatter your view of yourself. You have to go with your own believes and standards (assuming that you come from a place with a good heart).

Personally, the fact that you are so passionate about your daughters, says a lot.
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby ladyarcher » Thu May 30, 2013 2:36 pm

Totally agree with you Turtle .......... the only true story is the one told by the person who is there ........Andrea has been told that the girls do not want contact, but she only has someone else's word for that, and it is the word of the a.parent I think......whereas a letter from one of them a while back begged for a response from her........on re-reading her posts I saw a very disturbing comment, that SS had not passed her letters/cards on.......can't remember the exact phrase but it was something to the effect of not 'wanting to bombard .......the children' with stuff..........what right have SS to with-hold correspondence.......I find it very worrying that 'someone' would be able to take it upon themselves to judge and act in this way......and the first thing that her children are going to think is that she has no more interest in them..............otherwise why doesn't she write........and if they are thinking this, then it is little wonder that they might now say they don't want contact........on the sort of lines of 'if she didn't want to write to us........so we aren't going to see/write to her now.......' a classic 'tit for tat' situation...........

I am not sure of which post she refers to as 'negative' was it maybe the one where it was pointed out that statistically many female adoptees do not start to search until they have their own child, and realise what it is like...or sometimes leave it until their forties...this was upsetting to Andrea as it implied she had a very much longer wait in store...............or maybe it was one where people were putting differing views about 'doorstepping'......some for it .......myself being one as with the 'straight from the horse's mouth' philosophy .......or perhaps one that I am not sure if it was on the same thread, and was I think, by Tamm in that a 'doorstep' would have been very unwelcome........

It is, as you say, between Andrea and her girls........not anyone else's business now they are nearly grown up.....one already being of age and the other will be in February..........

LA
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby DiamondStarHalo » Sat Jun 08, 2013 10:19 pm

I think the word passionate, sums everything up here. Many times during my search for my BMother I've been told she may not have been a very motherly person, that she might have been the instigator, that she might not have wanted me ... that this, that that ...
I only ever wanted to hear it from her tho. And although it was a long time ago, it was the note in my adoption file saying that she had repeatedly asked how I was, where I was, and for a photo of me after I'd been taken for adoption that told me, "maybe these people are wrong about her..."
I still could be, I don't know. I've only just managed to find her after 20+ years of searching.
But just having that tiny nugget of information, that she had wanted to know about me afterwards, made all the difference to me right from the start.
And I think it will for Andrea's girls too. Sounds like social services are not being particularly helpful at the moment either - its so desperately sad that SS STILL see fit to tell BMothers to "forget it and move on" ... you'd think Nancy Verrier had never existed, its heartless in the extreme.
But hopefully they will be out of the way soon enough as the girls reach adulthood.
Andrea, I stand by what I said in my earlier post - adoptees' feelings change as time passes. And just knowing how hard you have tried to find your girls WILL mean something to them - maybe not straight away, but one day. I just hope that brings you a little bit of comfort while you are waiting ...

DoNotUnderstand - I also hope your niece is receiving the support and help she needs. My own experience was an extremely lonely and frightening one because my adoptive family preferred to shut the door on my feelings of anger and disconnection, rather than talk about and acknowledge them. To be honest, they were (and still are!) just about the last people on earth I would have wanted to talk to about such extreme feelings! But I think even just an "It's oK" would have helped, and I hope your niece is getting at least that.

DSH xx
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby Andrea4875 » Thu Jun 20, 2013 2:33 pm

Hi just read your post thanks. Years ago I was struggling with depression ect... Kept going to my doctors and so on trying to get help didn't get any, drugs entered the family and before you know it the impact had started was the worst time of my life that haunts me every day. I've been drug free over 6 years but the pain is still there losing the girls I had a ( chaotic life style) the ss workers where working with us rehabilitating the girls back to us. We went to court and the judge asked how long does it take for D to come out your system to the key worker she said 72 hours and that's what he said to myself and their Dad on the Thursday was getting tested on the following Monday. We went home and cold T all over the weekend. On the Monday we went to be tested their Dads had a faint line and they said negative mine too was a faint line they said positive so therefore we did not try hard enough and the courts went for adoption I tried to argue that there would still be traces of the drug but the judge believed the professionals, and the key worker who tested me was a trainee so that always haunts me too. End of the day they already had an adoption couple ready for my girls. The girls did have an ok life with me and their Dad before d came into the family. They both where baptised got loads of nice photos and memories too yeah I should of protected them and I failed the two. The older girl Emma is very angry does not want any connection with her birth family Zoe is not angry but does not want any contact this I what I was told by ss. I want to locate the girls to say sorry if they don't then want to bother with me that's fine at least I've said sorry. The other post I was on about was the one I said adoptees are well protected and someone said and so we should be she feels she as only one mother and that's her a/m she sounds angry herself. 4 weeks I've tried to speak with a certain ss been on leave the other ss said you will never find the girls move on what sort of person says that. How does she not know I already know where they live? It's people like her misjudging and not giving you a second chance. I've recently joined the contact register for Emma maybe she does not trust ss and is waiting for the younger one to reach 18 and both come together who knows. What I do know is the years are passing by. Thanks for your posts I do like coming here and reading post. You are a nice bunch of peeps. I've looked at colleges who do degrees in equine studies maybe that's my next step go to them in September with a pic of Emma. Ask other students do you know this girl. Can't give up and won't one day I will locate them and say I'm sorry. It's the guilt you can't erase and probably never will so no one should judge each case is different. One day I hope I come on this site to say I'm in touch with the girls and how it's going! Fingers crossed x well going to ring up some horse stables to find Emma she is my daughter and I love her maybe lost but not forgotten. Thanks Andrea. Ps we did not get any medication to help us that weekend we was on our own we did it for the girls then that happens with the trainee.
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Re: Thank you for this site.

Postby ladyarcher » Fri Jun 21, 2013 4:55 pm

Sad, sad story, Andrea ......I am assuming that the drugs you talk about were not the Drs. prescription anti-depressants......,or if they were to start with, that you went on to worse things........and if your husband was on drugs too, it looks from your post that you were both on illegal drugs.......... so often we hear about the dreadful things that drugs do to people yet even intelligent people still take them.............it also does not seem to be that the so called 'soft' pot, wacky baccy, whatever you like to call it......is taken seriously......it is still looked on as a bit of a joke and comedians get a laugh from it so people think it is not dangerous......and yet often 'soft' drugs lead to the hard stuff....... people say that alcohol is just as bad as drugs, but that too is easy to get, easy to drink.....tobacco at least for the most part only ruins the health of the smoker, provided they don't smoke all over other people and babies........but the other 'drugs' truly ruin lives.....

You say you have been clean for six years Andrea......well done ......a pity that you ever started of course.......are you still with your husband and is he 'clean' too.......or have you gone your separate ways.......not wishing to sound harsh, and it may be just the way you put it, but it sounded as if you both only tried to give up at the last minute when you were due in Court........probably too late by then one would think......as you said, there was still a faint line.......if you had given up a week or so earlier......possibly no line at all ........

You say the main reason to find the girls is to say sorry..........well, you can do that anyway can't you, by sending letters to the ss and making sure that they deliver them.......maybe sending a letter via a solicitor so that the ss would have to send it on, might work.....

LA........
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