in the process of...and all mixed up

Moderator: AfterAdoption

in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby calamity12 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 1:43 pm

Where do I begin??
Ok, so started officially searching over 2 years ago, got After adoption involved over a year ago. I have always known my birth name and a few details. At the beginning of August I found BM on facebook. Contacted her over 2 weeks ago, but no reply yet.
I am aware her world must be crazy right now, and she probably nearly fell of her chair when she opened the message. But I am struggling with all the feelings.
I go from, just sitting, in anticipation, head going over and over the out come. Both of if she wants any contact, and of if she doesn't. Then I go into anger, no idea who at?? Just so angry that it has all happened, that I can't have automatic rights to be a part of my birth family. That I can't just ring them up and say 'Hi, how are you, how has life been.'
I am also a little worried at how B/M must be at the moment, I hope she has good people around her to support her and love her through this.
I guess I am just sick of hearing I am 'special', a 'gift' etc, I am just one human being, I can't live up to this.
It like a complete split, One minute being this cherished child, who can never be so sensible and logical as my a/parents, who by the way are just amazing.
Then feeling like the child who is the product of a secret, dirty rendezvous, and ruined peoples lives with the shame!!

So I'm just sat waiting, attempting to keep away from facebook and hours of looking through her photos at people who look like me!!
Lots of anger going on, so off to walk the dog before the kids get home.
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby Highland Lassie1 » Fri Oct 21, 2011 3:28 pm

Hi, the waiting is agony and it's one of the hardest parts of this whole thing. We can only imagine how your bm will be feeling and she may be terrified, terrified that her "secret" is going to be found out, something that's been buried and in the back of her mind for a long time. I wrote to my bf sometime ago and haven't heard a thing but I am soon to write to him again (my bf's youngest son from his second marriage is on Facebook and I can see his photo's, the temptation to hit the send button to message him is so strong but I can't do that to the kid, he is only 15...), but I am already in contact with my bm so it's not so frustrating for me this time. If you messaged her through Facebook and you can see all her photo's etc, then I'm thinking that, she hasn't set her profile to stop people (including you) to be unable to see her Facebook......she knows that you will be looking at everything, she hasn't blocked you....yet.....so could this be a good thing? Has her Facebook been active, could she be away on holiday?

HL x
Adopted at 8wks, now 41. Made contact with BM June 2010, met one sister on Saturday 28th Aug 2010, met BM on 20th October 2010, met other sister on December 2010. Now trying to establish contact with BF.
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby calamity12 » Sun Oct 23, 2011 12:59 pm

Her status has been updated about 5 times since the message was sent. She was on holiday for the first 2 days, but been back 2 weeks. I go from pure anger towards her/the system/not sure what... to worried about her, and have love and compassion.
I also have been thinking it is a good thing she hasn't blocked me...yet...lol. My a/a worker has managed to get a recent death certificate for family member that may well have her current address. So going to follow it up with a letter.
Good luck with your b/f
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby TRACEY1969 » Sun Oct 23, 2011 11:14 pm

Hi
I have heard of messages being sent that do not actually reach the person if you are not on their friends list, not sure why but with all the changes on face book lately it does not surprise me. Therefore your BM may not have received your message. Either that or she may just be thinking things over. If she did receive your message and she has not blocked you, or made herself invisable then I think that she might be thinking things through.
Does her info say where she is from? If so there are sites like 192.com that you can search for her current address. There is a charge but its not too expensive.
Good luck and let us know how you get on
Take care

Tracey xx
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Oct 24, 2011 9:35 am

I have to say as an 'oldie' I find Facebook quite weird......... I seem to be able to see things written by distant family whom I have not 'friended'....... ghastly expression........ there seems to be just so much uninteresting waffle on it, for example people post what they had for breakfast, etc. This takes up a lot of space and so I just scroll quite quickly and do not read a lot of it as I know it is going to be rubbish........perhaps, like me, your b.mother just scrolls quickly only picking up on the names of people that she knows..........I for example have no idea how to 'comment on my status'........ why would I want to, or to 'update my status'......... what is my 'status' anyway........ I mostly on use it to look at photos of grandchildren that are put up, and sometimes get forewarning of what my children are up to ......... mostly I only communicate by e-mail as I can do without the world and his wife knowing that I have changed the curtains in the sitting room....... or whatever......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby MD » Mon Sep 17, 2012 1:15 pm

Hi Calamity,

Facebook messages that are sent to people who aren't on your friends list usually end up in a folder called 'Other' underneath 'Messages'... They just sit there until someone spots them without FB actually notifying them that there is a message waiting...So there is a very good chance your BM hasn't actually seen the message if she isn't familiar with this folder I'm afraid.

MD
Struggling with small talk since 1969
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Sep 17, 2012 2:15 pm

I notice that the original message from Calamity12 is nearly a year old, having been posted in October last year.........so do hope that something has sorted itself out by now and that life is looking more settled.........

LA
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby MD » Mon Sep 17, 2012 3:45 pm

Ah yes, didn't spot that:-/
Struggling with small talk since 1969
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Sep 17, 2012 5:28 pm

Sadly there are quite a few posts that are quite old, and we have not heard any more from the posters ....... hopefully that means that they do not need us now, and have had a happy outcome, but I fear that this is not always going to be the case..........sometimes people pop up again whom we have not heard from for a while, sometimes they have good news which is lovely.........we wish all the 'disappeared' posters well, and hope they will come back to tell us how they are sometime...........and to any of you who have not posted for ages........we are still here.........

LA
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby skyebluepink » Sun Sep 23, 2012 9:44 pm

I wrote a letter to bm's friend on Facebook - the only way I have of contacting her. I presume it has gone into her "other messages" folder because it still says the message has been unread whenever I check. Hopefully they will change it at some time in the future - I imagine there are a lot of life changing messages sitting unopened in those unread messages folders.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby Pidge » Wed Nov 14, 2012 8:27 pm

Not wanting to make light of this and I sincerely hope it doesn't come across that way....

I am one of those people who didn't know about the 'other' folder on FB and I am generally quite FB savvy and active....so the first thing I did when I read this thread was check my FB 'other' folder, only to find the following message...

Dear (my surname),

I am Barrister Yovobi Efio, a personal attorney to (late) Eng. M. (my surname), who dwelt and worked here for more than twenty years as a major contractor and businessman. To the best of my knowledge, before his death, he had an investment deposit totaling more than Seven Million Five hundred thousand United States Dollars(US$7.500.000.00) with the major bank here and now they have asked me to provide a next of kin if there is, or the estate will then revert to the government and so it would be lost.

Please contact me direct with my office email address thus: (chamber_yovo @rocketmail.com) for more information.

Thanks for your prompt response.
Yovobi Efio (ESQ).
EFIO & ADVOCATES.
RUE:11 BOULEVARD AVENUE,
LOME TOGO.

Keep everything crossed for me......I might soon be rich x
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Nov 14, 2012 9:25 pm

Whatever you do......do not send this person details of your bank account.........my son's friend had a similar message and was told that the money would be paid into his bank account if he sent the details..........not surprisingly my son's friend's bank account was speedily emptied.........this is a frequent trick........it may not be a trick in your case, but it is better to be safe than sorry.......
LA
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby Pidge » Thu Nov 15, 2012 7:40 pm

LA....I can't believe that people actually believe these things!!!!! Is it stupidity, naivity or just greed?! :shock:
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Re: in the process of...and all mixed up

Postby ladyarcher » Thu Nov 15, 2012 8:11 pm

I think with my son's friend it was naivity........ he was newly away from home, and knew that the family had plenty of distant relatives........don't know why he didn't ask his parents, but perhaps he wanted to give them a surprise ....

... a few years ago we kept getting e-mails that purported to come from Lloyds bank....... where we have never had a bank account.........it said that our details had been hacked and we must give them our bank account numbers so they could fix it.......... I printed it off and took copies to the bank and to the local police stn........the bank said that quite a few people had contacted them........I suppose as long as there are naive people these scammers will flourish.......and with the internet it gives them much more opportunity......... we never buy anything on the 'net........

LA
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