Stumped

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Stumped

Postby SarahC » Sat Oct 08, 2011 9:20 pm

Hi
Yesterday I found out my birth father's name and also have his d.o.b. I would like to try and trace him but he has a relatively common name and I have no idea where to start!
A quick search on 192.com has revealed that his parents still appear to be living at the family home. However, they are in their 80's and I don't really want to write to them unless there is no alternative.
I also know that my bf moved to London shortly before I was born but that is all I have to go on. He could be living anywhere - has anyone got any suggestions please?

Thanks

Sarah
SarahC
 
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Re: Stumped

Postby ladyarcher » Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:34 pm

You don't have to write anything direct to his parents, you could write enclosing your letter to him in a second envelope with a 'please forward' note......they would probably just think the letter was from an old friend who had lost the address........don't forget to put a stamp on the envelope..........

... you could also look up the electoral roll ....... people can of course opt not to be shown on the 'open' roll, but most ordinary people do not bother, or do not think themselves important enough to make a sort of 'I'm a celebrity don't show where I am' type of gesture......... with the electoral roll there is an age range shown, so you can at least eliminate a lot of people straight away........ I have recently found an old friend this way........and she has been married three times, but luckily I knew her married surname.......in your case, it being a man you are looking for, he is unlikely to have changed his name........... the roll also shows the names of others living at the same address, so you might be able to work out if he is married/has grown up children/or might even be living at his parents address......... you can this way narrow it down to a certain number of people of approx the right age range living in particular areas....... then it is a case of simply going to BT telephone numbers site and ringing each one.......... so for example I rang eight people with the right initial living in the right area and in the right age range to find my friend........in fact none were they as they were not on the electoral roll, but one lady gave me the telephone nos of six other people with that surname in the area by reading out her own phone book.................one of them had the right initial for my friend's husband, and so I rang that no. and it was my friend whom I lost touch with around 20 years ago.......

When I was looking for my full sister, someone kindly gave me the addresses and telephone nos. of every woman living in Surrey with the same date of birth as my sister.............. I rang probably around 50 people..........it was a long shot, and in fact did not work as my sister's adopted parents had left Surrey some 45 years earlier when she was a teenager.......... but it was worth a try....... if you are a member of Genes Reunited, then there are a lot of people on there who will do look-ups in the bmd records on Ancestry and other sites, I don't subscribe to them as the costs can mount up and I don't need them now I have found my sister ......

Good luck
LA
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Re: Stumped

Postby SarahC » Mon Oct 10, 2011 7:33 pm

Hi LA
Thanks for your reply - I've had a bit of a breakthrough as managed to locate my b.uncle with a definite address so I think that's my point of contact. Have posted this on another thread so won't repeat myself :)
Sarah
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Re: Stumped

Postby ladyarcher » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:08 pm

Yes, I saw your post on the other thread......... that's good, hopefully ......... do you know if he knew about you at the time.......... hope it goes well
LA
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Re: Stumped

Postby SarahC » Tue Oct 11, 2011 6:57 am

Yes he knew about me and there was a comment in my file that he wasn't sure about me being adopted so hopefully he'll be more receptive than bm has been..........fingers crossed!
SarahC
 
Posts: 99
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Re: Stumped

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Oct 11, 2011 7:11 pm

So, your b.father was not keen on the adoption...........

It is a great pity, but often the case, that the birth father is totally sidelined in decisions about adoption, all the attention is on the b.mother who obviously is the one carrying the baby for the first nine months......... for most boys/men of course, there is the knowledge that they will have to finish their education and/or go out and earn a living........ and will not be able to look after a baby full time if the mother can't or won't for whatever reason.........any birth father's parents are going to be pointing this out to him, and so will social workers.............. they all will be in the process of persuading him that there is no way he can look after a baby, and the pressure on him to agree to give it up, will be as strong, if not stronger as that on the birth mother.......... most grandparents-to-be, will also be fully aware that if their son wants to keep the baby, then a lot of the burden of bringing up that baby is going to fall on them, this will be the case whether they are the parents of the b.mother or the b.father....

.....sometimes b.grandparents do not want, or are not able to take this on....... I personally know what a comittment it is, as, although our daughter's ex.partner does what he can around his own work hours, the greater part of the childcare for their 19 month old son, is done by me and my husband, as our daughter works too....and lives with us............ this is the second time we have taken this on, as we also raised her son who is now ten, by a previous relationship that hit the buffers soon after his birth.. then we were in our mid fifties, now, this time round we are in our mid sixties............it is tiring, and changes what plans grandparents had for their lives once they children were independent........some are not willing, or for health reasons and perhaps because of other family reasons, are not able to do it...often nowadays there is yet another generation back in the form of very elderly parents to be cared for as well.......we were doing that too, the first time round.........

LA


....
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