Finding birth parent

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Finding birth parent

Postby stantheman11 » Wed Feb 03, 2010 11:50 am

I have been searching far my birth mum far the past 5 years,i found the website http://www.dadpeter.co.ukwhich as helped me so much in my search .this is a very good website ,i wish there was an easier way to trace your birth family ,would it not be a good idea to give all birth parents and people that have been in the adoption nightmare ,a central website were everybody knows and you are sure of traceing a person,the govenment could place a few adds on tv and every body would know were to go to search and find people

Regards
stantheman11
 
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Postby ladyarcher » Thu Feb 04, 2010 10:41 pm

Stan - there is already a Register.........it is not a website as that would breach confidentiality........it is called the Adoption Contact Register.....it is a Government organised register. You can pay a small fee, I think it is still under £50 and your details are put on it saying that you want contact -if the person you are seeking goes on it, saying they are seeking, then a match is made. It is of course dependent on both parties wanting contact. It is, if you like, a 'sleeper' message that you can leave.

For example, fifteen years ago, shortly after the Register was set up, I left a message for my full sister - we had been adopted separately - I had found out about her when I was 25, I had been searching in many different ways and had found our birth parents myself. I put the message on the register when I was 50. Last Spring, just about a year ago, my sister decided, at aged 63, to send for her original birth cert. She was immediately given my name and address (fortunately I had updated it when I moved house )I had opted to be contacted direct, I did not want an intermediary, but you can do this if you want.

We were parted when I was nearly two, and she nearly one........now we have met again. We were only about ten miles apart all our childhood, and even went to the same riding stables.........but at that time neither of us knew that we had a full sister. She did not know until last year....a bit of a surprise. I had from my own research, worked out that she must have been adopted quite near me.........and I was right, however of course people move often, and are not always where they were in 1946.

Google 'Adoption Contact Register' and you will see what to do. They do not search of course, it is purely a facility for linking two people who have both expressed a desire to be linked. There are many other adoption sites that have one form or another of message boards, but they are often very difficult to trawl through, or are quite expensive.

The other thing to do is - if you know your birth surname - to put a message on Genes Reunited, but you must not put the name of your birth mother, or any living member of your birth family. So, for example, I put hundreds of notices on sites giving my sister's birth name, and date of birth, and where she was born, and our mother's christian names. Only my sister would have recognised these details, and then only if she had got her original birth cert. As it happened she has lived abroad for many years, and does not use the internet, and would not have recognised the names anyway as she did not know her name, never having sent for it.

If you want searching done, you can join Norcap, which is based in Oxford. They have a contact register themselves, and will also search, but are quite expensive. They also provide back-up counselling and a listening ear to support you through your search.

Good luck - p.m. me if you want any other help or suggestions.

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972, and many other relatives over the years. Finally found birth sister 2009 after a forty year search, from when I found out about her when I was 25.
Sadly missed birth father who died relatively young, but who had told all his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I found them it was not a shock.
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Postby anne » Fri Feb 05, 2010 3:53 pm

Thank you so much LA for suggesting Genes Reunited. I think I've found a cousin already and not only that bit of excitement, I have found it an unexpectedly liberating website. Simply filling in the beginnings of MY family tree, not my adopted one has given me a grounding I'd not found before. I'm beginning to feel I've got my own roots at last after 40 years so again a very big thank you.
anne
 
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THANKS

Postby stantheman11 » Fri Feb 05, 2010 10:07 pm

Hi thankyou far your advice ,i shall check this website out .how i look at things is the more websites that you can post a search on the better your chance of finding your birth mum,etc,etc, Thy have put a new thing on the dad peter web forum were you can add videos ,so i might join there forum and make a vidoe message and post it ,every little helps, here is the link take alook ,it looks very good http://dadpeter.co.uk/forum/index.php?action=media

Regards :wink: [/u][/quote]
stantheman11
 
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Re: Finding birth parents when you don't know their names

Postby Annalou8 » Thu Jun 14, 2012 8:40 pm

www.haveyouseenmydad.net YouTube/haveyouseenmydad12 Facebook/have you seen my dad? - For any adult adoptee searching for birth parents without knowing their parents names. Hope I can help. Thank you.
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Re: Finding birth parent

Postby ladyarcher » Thu Jun 14, 2012 10:08 pm

Hello Annalou8, and welcome - I have just looked at your link and have to say it is very nicely set out........however I feel that perhaps it could cause problems and upset. I am all for honesty, and if someone has had a child, then they should say so when entering into a close relationship/marriage. Secrets are never a good idea, and have a habit of becoming known eventually.....

..... the secret that is one of the biggest ones of all for a woman, is that of having had a child and then let it go for adoption........this particular secret becomes a dreadful burden in that women are terrified of it coming out.......sad, but true.......often the man is not even told that a child is expected, nor that this child is then adopted. Sometimes there is good reason not to tell the man,....... sometimes the man knows but is not prepared to be a father or to take any other sort of responsibility. Now if, and I know it is a big if, but if someone does recognise the description of a man, then a lot of pain and distress could be caused to others who are totally innocent..........supposing the man never knew for a start........, supposing he now has a family himself and someone tells his wife or his other children........ supposing he is someone who was unpleasant, criminal, abusive, violent.....supposing the pregnancy is the result of a rape........there are all sorts of reasons why you should not put peoples' descriptions on an open site.

A few years ago the law was changed to supposedly make it a little easier to trace ones' birth mother and to get ones' adoption file........ this is of course, still not at all easy, and takes an inordinately long time....... but the mechanism, slow though it grinds, is there. Once the adoption file is found, and the b.mother is found....... and that in itself is a minefield of conflicting emotions and reactions, however then there will be the possibility that a birth father's name is on the birth cert.......or if not on the birth cert. it may be mentioned in the file, or as a last resort, the birth mother can be asked.......then if a name is given, the next stage of searching can be done....... it is all slow, and anyone who has read any of this site will have seen how slow it can be, but at least it can be done with discretion, and without alerting anyone who may possibly know someone........or even worse, who may think they know who is referred to, but could be totally wrong..........

It is frustrating and maddening not to have these things simple and easy to access ........ and maybe in time someone will take notice of adoptees and their difficulties....... however there are usually many clues that one can follow during the course of a search, but you need patience and perseverance, and attention to detail.......... searching for birth parents is not something that can be done using a 'quick fix'..... there are far too many people that can be hurt that way, and not the least of them is the adoptee themselves.........

I do appreciate that your website is trying to do something helpful and to fill a very big gap that adoptees often find it impossible to fill, but it still needs to be done with discretion and caution, and I know that it is very difficult to ensure that neither side, or their relatives, is hurt........and really, the only way to do this is, as they say, 'by the book'......depending on what information one already has, 'the book' does not have to be via the local authority, a lot can be done on one's own, but softly softly is best...........

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked......having found out when I was 25 that I had a full sister, also adopted, it took me another 40 years to find her.......which I did, three years ago........all of my searching was done by me without using any 'authority', just research and sending for certificates........ I got to within ten miles of where my sister had been sent for adoption, and it was only ten miles away from my own adoption......we even went to the same riding stables unknown to eachother.........the final key, however, was that at 63 she decided to search, and her social worker immediately found my message on the Adoption Contact Register, where it had been waiting for 15 years............
ladyarcher
 
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