Is there any way i can...

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Is there any way i can...

Postby Edd » Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:40 pm

Is there any way i can get my a\parents to see sense and stop treating my B\mum like she is evil ?

Thoses who know me will know everything is oka with my adoption just, my A\parents resent the fact that im talking to my B\family, they sum how get the immpretion that they are no good, i know different, but i need to convince them this, ive tried talking to my A\parents about them but time after time we end up arguing because of sumthing ive said or that they have said about my B\family,

Things can move on in this situation until this gets worked out, anyone who can suggest sumthing for me to try ?

Becasue talking is just not working...
Taking Life One Smile At A Time :)
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Fri Jan 25, 2008 2:58 pm

Other than to suggest that your a/parents speak to some kind of mediator or counsellor to get the issues resolved, there isnt a lot that can be done. When attitudes are so entrenched, there is often no easy answers.
Have you a/parents met with your b/family? Would they be willing to give that a go? Or is that totally a no-go subject? If nobody communicates then nothing will change. You cant force the communication, but if you suggest it and get a negative response, then that is all you can do - other than to try to keep the peace whilst still living there.
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Postby Edd » Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:01 pm

I have asked them to meet each other, but they said Never, i can understand the rift between them, but i got a resounding "NO" from both parties :S

I think im just going to have to try and try to get a\parents to talk to me with out shouting :S
Taking Life One Smile At A Time :)
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:05 pm

You mustnt feel that it is your duty to step in to either make or keep the peace. If the two sets of people cant get on, it is not your responsibility.
I do really think that it might be an idea that your a/parents need to talk to somebody in a professional capacity about their feelings- although I dont particularly envy you in having to put this point to them.
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Postby Diane » Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:53 pm

Edd how about if you agreed not to discuss matters from one side to the other and vice versa. Telling one side what the other is saying may be causing a larger rift. Your b parents are bound to side with your feelings, which then in turn makes it more difficult when you are faced with your a parents.

If the only way to keep the peace is to keep them apart, which is what they all want anyway, then maybe your only way to peace is to not discuss anything with either side if it refers to the other side.....gosh I'm confusing myself here now ....and yes that is not hard to do...before any of you jump on my band waggon
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Postby mnenka » Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:38 pm

Hi Edd, you sound to be in a difficult situation, and from what you say, you are doing really well.
Iam an adoptee and a/parent. How your a/parents are behaving, is not their fault necessary. A huge assumption on my part, but maybe 'evil' is the way the sw described your b/mum at the time of your adoption, or it could be your a/parents interpretation of her. Having been told this info, they have lived with a picture of your b/mum for a long time...over time this may have grown into something in which they truly believe??
Im sure they are in their own way trying to protect you? but as always, parents some-times just get is sooooo wrong.
Hang on in there, and maybe only tell your a/parents what you feel you need to tell them.
M'nenka
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Sun Jan 27, 2008 7:37 am

Mnenka, I think you have a very salient point, and I did in fact suggest that to Edd myself in a round about way. If the a/parents knew anything of the circumstances of the adoption that were unsavoury to say the least, then of course they may harbour strong feelings about reunion. Edd, I know that youve explained to me that the circumstances with the b/parents have changed, and this needs to be strongly communicated to them- because what youve told me makes a major difference. If they wont listen to you, try if you can to get a third party to speak to them on your behalf. We cannot all be perfect all of the time of course.
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Postby Edd » Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:16 pm

Oka heres the deal, i sat both a\parents down, last night and told them in a calm voice, "Yous need help with this" and, well, it all kickewd of, harsh words were exchanged and now im not speaking to them, so, it just looks like this has to be dealt with on my own :(
Taking Life One Smile At A Time :)
Edd
 
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Location: South Shields

Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Jan 28, 2008 2:32 pm

Okay, youve done your best. Keep focused on what you want to achieve, it seems they have left you little option but to keep your contact with your birth family from them. Just please be careful to avoid 'rubbing their noses in it'. Maybe in time they will grow to accept the change of circumstances.

Best of luck.
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Postby Diane » Mon Jan 28, 2008 3:51 pm

Edd, It must be fustrating, as even though you are trying to help them, on order to help yourself it just isn't working.
The best thing now is not to mention this again, all it is doing is causing upset for you all.

You may be on your own but hey YOU HAVE ALL OF US!!!! :) :) :? jump on board honey.

hugs xxx
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Jan 28, 2008 8:48 pm

Just to clear up any confusion, Diane was speaking metaphorically (at least I presume so!)

As I said earlier when we spoke, I think it is now time to accept the fact that your birth and adoptive families are not likely to get on for the forseeable future at least. Concentrate on yourself and what you want to do, hopefully in time, your a/parents will grow to understand the needs you have to be reconciled with your birth relations.
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Postby Diane » Mon Jan 28, 2008 9:10 pm

ermm yeah I did :lol: :lol:
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Postby Edd » Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:16 am

Yeah, on my own, have been and always will be on this matter, but ur right Diane, "YOU HAVE ALL OF US!!!! " :)

My B\Parents are coming up in february and i have decided NOT ! to tell my A\Parents, im trying to think up an excuse, for 3 days, the 11th to the 13th hmmmmm,

Thanx again Guys
Taking Life One Smile At A Time :)
Edd
 
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Postby Diane » Tue Jan 29, 2008 9:40 am

I am sure you find a good excuse. It is sad and disapointing that you can't share or get support from your a parents, but if it is going to cause nothing but grief, you are best to deal with this as you are now.

Don't allow yourself to be tempted t tell your a parents either, and certainly there is no guilt to be felt from now on. You have tried your best, it is their choice. Your an adult in your own right, and your a parents can't live your life for you, only you can take that path yourself.

I hope you have a fab time, and when you get back you can tell us all how it went.
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Postby wakey wakey » Tue Jan 29, 2008 11:45 pm

Hi Edd,
I'm an adoptee (and an adoptive parent) and have been reunited with my original family. In the early days I tried really hard to reassure my adoptive parents that I still loved them, tried to get them to meet my family,tried to be open with them etc etc etc. While they didn't argue with me they made it pretty clear that they didn't want to talk about my other family and I remember feeling really torn. My original family would have happily agreed to meet my adoptive parents and my mum wanted to say thank you to my adoptive parents for raising me.

In retrospect I am angry at my self for wasting my time trying to accomodate my adoptive parents feelings-I was 24 when reunited and had enough of my own feelings to deal with without having to feel responsible for them too. I allowed myself to feel guilty when I now believe I had every right to look for my original family and that adoptive parents have a responsibility to look for the best interests of their children even if this causes them difficult issues.

When I think back I wish I had kept my relationship with each set of parents separate. My adoptive parents are terrible at dealing with emotional issues and conflict and I wish I had realised earlier that I was flogging a dead horse and I would have saved myself a lot of trouble. My adoptive parents would never have considered counselling-maybe yours would.I think you are the best judge of how likely they are to change in their views-is there any chance that through the arguing they might be open to change?

Because your original mum is important to you out of respect for you your adoptive parents need to show her consideration and at a bare minimum they need to conceal any negative feelings for her from you. Personally I have a lot of the same personality traits as my original mum and I think many adoptees if told something negative about their original parents will beieve that they have the same character.

I think I made the mistake of putting eveeryone elses feelings above my own in the early years of reunion and I hope you don't make the same mistake as I did.I think it is important to be caring and sensitive but you have the right to pursue a relationship with your original parents if you want to and adoptive parents should put their child's needs above thier own.

Hope you find a way through this,

wakey wakey.
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