I Feel Wrong

Moderator: AfterAdoption

I Feel Wrong

Postby Jennifer-Kiri » Thu Dec 21, 2006 8:31 pm

i was adopted when i was 6, im now 14
but i dont feel like i love my parents who adopted me.
but i feel as if i love my birth parents

i no they treated me bad
but i still feel like they mean more to me than my parents now

i really want to meet my birth family
but i wouldnt no where to start, or what to do

i have a copy of my birth certificate, and it has both birth parents names on it

i've searched on a few sites for the names, but no luck

can anyone help me...

or try to explain why ifeel like this

i dont get it.


I'd rather you hate me for who i am, than love me for who i am not.
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Joined: Mon Dec 18, 2006 10:20 pm
Location: Essex

Postby marzxxx » Thu Dec 21, 2006 10:13 pm

Awww Jennifer I really feel for your situation, and I don't really know what advise I can give. All I know is you shouldn't feel guilty for how you feel. It's obviously a natural reaction for you to feel how you do, and everyone is entitled to have feelings, we are not robots.

Maybe spend some time reading some of the posts, you might find something within them that you can connect with.

Please pm me if you need to, I'm always online :)
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Postby Ens » Thu Dec 21, 2006 10:29 pm

Removed by user
Last edited by Ens on Sat Dec 23, 2006 6:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby wakey wakey » Thu Dec 21, 2006 11:09 pm

Hi Jennifer,
I'm an adoptive mum and an adoptee too. Our adopted daughter came to us when she was 6 and we adopted her a few years later.
I know that our daughter still loves one of her parents and has very mixed feelings about the other one. She is often very angry at one of her parents, but I can tell she desperately wants thier love. Rationally there may be all sorts of "good" reasons why an adoptee who has been badly treated by thier original parents shouldn't love them, but emotionally I think many adoptees are programmed to love thier oparents.
I know with our daughter because of her past she struggles a great deal to trust us. Bonding with a child who has been emotionally damaged can be very hard work(that's not to put any blame on the child but just to say what it is like). I think our daughter has been afraid to trust us.In her thinking "what if we let her down?" "what if she grows to love us and then we treat her badly?" Also her self esteem is so low that I think she feels in some way to blame for the loss of her original family. If she is responsible then there is no way we could possibly love her(is her reasoning).
As an adoptee I don't think it should be a case of you having to choose between your 2 sets of parents as to who to love. You don't "owe" it to your adoptive parents to love them. I think any adoptive parents who take on a child should be doing so to give love.Often adoptees(especially older ones) have been damaged so it is unfair to put pressure on them to love thier adoptive parents. However, if loving bonds can be developed then this would be a help to you in future relationships and if you ever have your own children.
Adoptive placements should be receiving support from thier LA though this can be difficult to get access to. I would hope that there would be some sort of therapy available for you and your parents.
Have you asked your adoptive parents about the possibility of meeting your oparents? Maybe this is something that as a family you need some advice and counselling about. I would urge you not to make contact with your ofamily without getting some support as it could be quite a traumatic experience to go through.
14 is not an easy age anyway, so all the changes you are going through are also going to have an impact on your emotions.
Take care,
wakey wakey
wakey wakey
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