Birth mum ends contact

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Birth mum ends contact

Postby Pam » Tue Mar 15, 2005 9:33 am

For years my adoptive parents have been helping me do face to face contact with my bmum and bfamily preparing me for the day when I could do this on my own which at 16 I now feel able to do. Well I fixed the date with my bmum on the phone as we usually do and she was the same as ever but did she come or ring me - no and I haven't heard a word since. I thought perhaps something had happened but I rang and heard her voice and put the phone down - I couldn't bring myself to ask her Why? why? why? after all these years has she done this to me. Perhaps the thought of finally facing just me on her own was too much for her. I have never been angry with her or accusing over the way she treated me - even though I landed up in hospital because of it - I have just been glad of the chance to know her and understand why she did the things she did and to know where I have come from - a painful journey but one I will be eternally grateful to my adoptive parents for making possible against all the odds and for standing by my side every step of the way.
Why would a birthmum then punish her child this way - I think perhaps she has always thought she would get her children back and now that we are "grown up" perhaps she feels that she has lost her children - any thoughts those of you that are birth mums - I sort of hope the phone will ring and it will be her but in my heart I know she won't.
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Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2005 1:25 pm

Postby Guest » Tue Mar 15, 2005 12:39 pm

Hi Pam,

I'm a bmum whose son was adopted through a closed adoption just over 23 years ago so had absolutely no contact with him until last year. He had been searching for me for 5 years but I accidently found him through Genes Reunited and our relationship is improving all the time.

I don't know the circumstances behind your adoption or what sort of contact you've had with your bmum/bfamily so can only make guesses to why she has behaved the way she has. All I would say is please don't assume she is punishing you as there is probably a good reason for no contact. From my own experience I had to work through fears of rejection from my bson that once he got the information he wanted that he wouldn't want to know me. Bmums also worry that their bchild may hate them for reasons such as their bchild believes they were rejected/abandoned (by their bmum). My bson thought I didn't want to know as he had problems finding me and wasn't completely convinced my family didn't know where I was. For a couple of years they didn't but obviously he didn't know the truth until I found him. I had the added pressure of sorting out the garbage he had been told about me by my sister - he doesn't like her now - and one of my husband's brothers ran us down but my bson didn't take too much notice of him. Your bmum could also be frightened to see you on a one to one basis - with other people about it isn't so easy to have in depth converstions so she may be frightened about what you will chuck at her.

I'm glad your aparents are so supportive - my bson still hasn't told his parents about our reunion which is 7 months down the line but he knows them best.



Postby Pam » Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:12 pm

Hi Philippa
I have had a lot of contact with my bmum really letterbox and face to face several times a year so usually it has not been a problem - the last couple of times my mum and dad have been wandering off every now and again so I have had plenty of one to one time with her - she has chucked a few things my way in the time though which have been real nightmares for me - things about my birth dad and stuff which I have no way of finding out is true or not. As I don't know what is true I am not going to think badly of my birth dad - it's just not worth the energy.
I think she just couldn't face me on her own - probably because it meant she was going to have to get on a bus rather than my parents drive me all the way to see her. Even if she'd rung me and said she didn't have the bus fare I would have understood - that wouldn't be the first time either. Well I can't make her love me or want to see me so will just have to get on with the rest of my life without her and my other brothers and sisters - they have all got major problems so am probably better out of that in a way.

Really glad you have got together with your son - guess he is probably worried how his adoptive parents would take it - my parents have always been so relaxed about all this stuff that it has never been a problem for me. I suppose some have a problem with the idea of somehow "sharing" their child - I have grown up with this situation and can honestly say both my folks have never made it an issue for me - I certainly don't feel torn in any way just a little fed up that this has happened now - but at least I have had the chance of knowing her whatever happens in the future.
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Joined: Tue Mar 08, 2005 1:25 pm


Postby mark » Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:20 pm

Hi it sounds from what you have written that maybe reality has set in. For your b/m, the reality of a f-f metting with you on your own could be too much for her to cope with, and now she has backed off.
If this is the case it sounds as though she has done it in the wrong way. Whith no explanation this is bad. At least she could have been up front and honest with you, and to say to you that it may be too much for her to cope with at the moment, but in , the future when she has got herself together - it may be possible for you two to see each other. Who knows??

Postby Jean » Tue Mar 15, 2005 4:43 pm

Your b/mother is probably frightened .It must be hard for her to cope with the situation - I don't know the details of your story . So it's really hard to comment .

I think you just have to giver her time and be patient - I know it's really hard for you .Just give it time .Meeting is a big deal and she probably cannot handle the whole thing .

She doesn't want to punish you , she just has to deal with things herself.

Please don't think it's personal,because its probably not :)
Good Luck



Postby Guest » Tue Mar 15, 2005 8:44 pm

Yes I get that she was probably frightened of doing it one to one but so was I - I am the kid here I am only 16 and I was the one who turned up and sat and waited and waited. Why did she put me through that when she could so easily have just phoned me and postponed it or said she couldn't do it - she has said this before for one reason or another. She is supposed to be the adult in all of this and yet she could not even pick up the phone. Every thought has gone through my head thinking she had had an accident or something had happened to one of my brothers or sisters and she is sitting there now going on with her life when all she needed to do was to pick up the phone as she has done many times before. I don't mind if she couldn't face it - I would have understood that even after all these years - the fact that she couldn't pick up the phone and just tell me that and spare me all the waiting and worrying just is too rotten for words. There is no way she is going to have the chance to do that to me again.

Postby Hector » Wed Mar 16, 2005 10:27 am

Hi Pam
Sorry to hear this has happened. I too have had a lot of contact with my birth mum and family and then went and tried doing it on my own without my adoptive parents - it was really difficult. Sure you can discuss day to day stuff but like you I guess, my birth mum wasn't very nice to me when I was little so how do you get over that hurdle. I am not angry about it all - it is just stuff that happened a long time ago and I am in the here and now. In the end for me it was too hard to keep the conversation going and it seemed a pointless exercise in trying to dance around this gaping hole that was the past even though I was trying to go forward. I have ended contact because it just seemed to be dragging me backwards and now I feel that I have I suppose what they call closure on it all. Even though I have written to my bmum to explain how I feel - you cannot believe how many times I sat down to write a letter and ended up shredding it so not easy at all - she won't let me go and get on with my life - have had to move and change my mobile number as she has tracked me down.
I agree she should have let you know she wasn't coming but maybe your mum just couldn't face the conversation like others have said as perhaps she is just not ready to come to terms with her responsibility - maybe one day she will but just don't live your life waiting for it.
Don't tear yourself up over this - try to focus on your studies and your future now - you sound like you are heading in the right direction - wish I was as "together" at 16 as you seem to be but every day can get better!
Saw your post about school - they so don't get it do they!
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Postby Jean » Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:24 pm

i agree completely that she was wrong to do that :cry:

I didn't know you had arranged a meeting
she was
completely out of order that is just cruel and bad manners

That was terrible , she gave you no explanation since ???

Try not to worry , think of yourself :D


Postby Guest » Fri Sep 30, 2005 10:32 am

hi pam ,, i,d just like to say not to always believe or judge yeh b/dad on what others will say about him ,, yes like my ex partner he may well of done this and that but i also did this and that not always the right things but yeh dad would of grown up by now and most probly be a different person more mature ect possibly with a family of his own,, i for one will never slag my ex off to the twins i,ll let them see for themselves what kind of a person he is ,, i havnt seen him since before their birth so i myself dont know what he,s turned out like ,,,
hope things work out for you
julie xxx

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