It's kinda crazy

Moderator: AfterAdoption

It's kinda crazy

Postby weestephy » Wed Jan 16, 2013 8:24 pm

Hi all, I'm Steph.

Things have been difficult, I guess it is kind of inevitable but I haven't ALWAYS placed it down to my adoption. But on the other hand I’m not one to cancel it out either. Reaching the end of high-school, me and my ad.family decided to stop contact with my b.mother for personal reasons which I don't need to go into right now. I was roughly around the age of 16 when this happened and now I'm 20. So 4 years after, I open my Facebook page to find a request from my b.mother "***** wants to be your friend." It was kinda crazy. I didn't really know how to feel, and I felt somewhat stupid for not figuring out that Facebook is there to 'connect' people, so why would my mother NOT try and search for her children?! It appears quite common these days that people are finding their b.parents through Facebook and other networking sites, but I never for a second thought I'd be subject to this AT all.

I didn't immediately accept the request, I was far too confused. I talked to people about it which helped me a great deal..but I'm unsure as to whether anyone understood the impact of no contact for 4 years and then suddenly the potential to be in contact, EVERY day?!.. Crazy. Inevitably, I had to talk it through with my family, and they said it was fine if we were to become friends and would support us.. but even when I did eventually 'accept' I felt guilty. I'm not sure why, but the guilt was there and I'm not sure whether I can remove it just yet. My b.mother didn't have much on her page, a few pictures and the odd motivational share, but it was her. Like arghhhh. Looking through her pictures and noticing features within myself...that she also shared kind of spooked me a little. I did my own bit of Face-stalking, trying to figure out who would be my 'aunt', ‘grandfather’ etc.. and some where there, and once they too recognised that I was my b'mothers daughter..the requests came flying. Now, I'm not one for accepting immediately, I have to think things through; How it'd affect the rest of my family.. my b.mother etc. Now that's probably more than enough background info about accepting my b.mother on Facebook.

The impact it's had on me since, has been both positive and negative. Yes, my b.mother comments on pictures, likes posts and sends the odd Inbox asking how I am,etc.. But although she gave birth to me, she still feels like a complete stranger. It's like those 'random' adds you occasionally accept and the feeling of when they like something and you're all like "Whaaaa, they don't know me?!" haha. This situation is kind of similar I guess. But at the same time, I LOVE the fact she likes my pictures..I get a feeling of warmth sometimes and that perhaps she's proud of how well I'm doing, or how pretty I may look. Like the title of my post "it's kinda crazy" it really, REALLY is, and I'm unsure what the next steps may be. Perhaps a meet up? or, a friendship removal who knows..but at the same time I am rather intrigued.

However, I would love to hear about other people's experiences
weestephy
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Thu Sep 16, 2010 2:52 pm
Location: North West

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby Turtle » Thu Jan 17, 2013 7:04 am

I guess it depends if you want your mum to go from "complete stranger" status to something better. It sounds as if you are a bit confused as to what you want. If that is the case, I would just keep the relationship ticking over, so that you can keep your options open. Sometimes it is better to hang back a bit, until you feel comfortable, and then when you feel happy, take it forward a bit (if that is what you want).

I think it is natural to be intrigued by your birth family. I am the same, but it hasn't meant that I want a relationship with them. I feel that learning something about them helps to fill that blank space in my life, but to me, like you said, they are complete strangers and I have no strong feelings towards them. So, at the moment, I have no desire to have any sort of relationship with them. (Not that they are trying to do that. They have all kept their heads down).
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu Jan 17, 2013 3:41 pm

Hi,

Thank you for sharing with us how you feel about your birth mums contact. I am an adoptive mum whose daughter has just recently been "friended" by her siblings through facebook. They are strangers to her but she is really enjoying chatting with them and learning about their likes and dislikes. I think facebook is "helping" people bypass the usual channels for reunion and there aren't any rules or counselling to help you through it. It sounds like birth mum is giving you time to work things out in your own mind but I feel that the rest of the family could have held off for a while as it seems a bit overwhelming.

i would advise you take things at your own pace and don't allow yourself to be pushed into the next stage if you're not ready for it. Your adoptive family sound very supportive and its great that you consider their feelings too.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby ladyarcher » Fri Jan 18, 2013 2:10 am

Hi Stephy - and welcome....

....I suppose how you go forward with regard to contact with your b.mother rather depends on what made you feel you had to stop contact four years ago.......from the fairly calm, if hesitant way you are dealing with the FB contact from her it would appear that you do not have any particular unpleasant previous experiences with her......perhaps it was just that at 16 you were at a particular stage in your life where there were too many 'grown-up' decisions having to be made.......exams, future training, career choices etc........and it was a bit too much to add in an emotional choice as well at that time............now you have a different set of choices......you are older, and will be more emotionally mature than you were at 16.......so you can look at things with clearer eyes, and you are obviously doing this.......not rushing into acknowledging contacts that you might want to pull back from when you know more about them...........on the other hand, many adoptees would be thrilled to be acknowledged and included by their b.mother's family, especially if it included grandparents, because a lot of adoptees find that other family members/even siblings, often are quite antagonistic toward them........

Facebook is a very mixed blessing I think........on the one hand it gives you the opportunity to float around the edges of peoples' lives,....... you can see what they are doing, but you do not have to 'reply' in the sort of official way you would have to reply to e-mails, letters, or texts........so you can just drop the odd remark in about the weather, or somewhere you have visited, without giving too much of yourself away.........on the other hand, of course, because it is so accessible people might expect you to be more pro-active on it .........although personally - my age I expect - I see little point in a lot of posts on there where people are just commenting on having had a cup of coffee or that the dog has thrown up......

I think that Turtle puts it very well in 'being intrigued' but not necessarily wanting an immediate close relationship with practically total strangers......although in your case your b.mother is not actually a total stranger because you did have contact with her before, but if this had been only a once a year letterbox or similar it would still not have given you a great closeness..........and it would seem that your b.mother is keeping at a respectful distance and not 'rushing you', perhaps it is because you have had reactions from others that you are feeling 'pushed' and if it was just your b.mother the amount of contact at the moment would be quite comfortable.......

I think the situation Donotunderstand has with the siblings of her adopted daughter, who is also her niece, is a bit different in that with contact between siblings/half siblings there is not the same sort of confusion of feelings as there is with contact with a b.mother.........there is no 'history' to be got through on either side.........and so contact can be free-er and can work very well.......although sadly sometimes it doesn't, as can be the case if the b.mother has married later and her 'first' child, finds out that it is not the 'first child' at all, when the adoptee turns up........as Donot says, there are truly no rules apart from the ones you make yourself.........and taking it slowly would seem to be a good rule ......... you can always speed up later if you want to, but slowing down after a 'jump in with both feet'........would be difficult......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1973 - sadly missed b.father who died young but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked - three years ago finally found my full sister who had been adopted separately, I had found out about her when I was 25........it took me 40 years to find her.....but I would never have given up looking.....
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby skyebluepink » Mon Jan 21, 2013 9:28 pm

Hi Steph

I many ways I can identify with your situation. I didn't know anything at all about my bm and found her through a reunion website. Once a match had been established, I received an email from her, and that began a flurry of emails that lasted a week, and then at the end of the week we met. At the time it seemed like it took a long time, but looking back it was ridiculously quick (oh how I wish I'd found this forum before then - I was so clueless!) You might have read some of my other posts, but six months later she withdrew contact - I still have no reason why. I do look back and wonder if we had taken things more slowly or if we had been though some counselling sessions, whether things might have been different. Given my bm's guilt about the past and desire to keep me secret, possibly not. But I do think the Internet makes it possible for things to move maybe faster than they should. It provides that almost instant access which can be a wonderful thing, but in situations like this, I think it's possibly better to take things a bit slower.

I love Facebook, maybe more than many, and it is fantastic for finding out about people. But sometimes possibly we share too much - you say she doesn't have a huge amount on there - be careful that you're not sharing too much about your life unwittingly. I know exactly how strange it is to see family members on Facebook - many of my birth family are on there and seeing photos of them is quite strange, especially ones where they are all together and I feel like I should be part of the photo too. It's hard. A blessing yet also a curse.

My advice to you? Take it slowly. Perhaps suggest writing letters to each other - they are nicer to keep than Facebook messages. Then if you want to, perhaps speak on the phone. But I'm glad to hear you are being open with your adoptive family too - I'm sure they will be a support to you. Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
skyebluepink
 
Posts: 355
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2011 8:47 pm

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby cleo » Fri Dec 13, 2013 11:11 am

My son found me too via a reunion site and then on FB, although i put y name up in hind sute hoping that one day if he came looking for me he could easily find me, it was in fact his girlfreind that found me, but my son that sent the message.

I did'nt ask for a friend request, i just sent back a private mail at that time, which i guess is lucky and unlucky..;lucky because our reunion has fallen apart for no apparent reason, he has shut down his mail box or has blocked me, as i get my mail sent back!! I have now closed my FB account down and only have my dogs account open, which i don't think he knows about..so i can see what he is up too, although i cannot see alot as his posting and photos are always set on private, so unless i ask for a freinds request then i won't see much, but i have found the way to see what photos he likes or photos he comments on which are from hi friends who post on public...its not alot, but its nice...and hurtful.....to see him and what he's upto, because otherwise i'd know nothing at all.

I am careful what i put on my dogs page, its mainly my dogs photos, none of myself, like you say you never know who can catch onto who's looking at your stuff. So at least with my dog i can keep an account open and just get a slight glimpse of my son now and again, like somebody side, its a two way knife's edge, it hurts when we see posts, epecially that over a year a go my son said he needed time, yet he has time for his FB friends! And on the other hand, with having no contact with my son, its nice to see what he likes or commented on.......
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby Turtle » Sun Dec 15, 2013 10:28 am

Facebook seems such torment for so many people in the adoption triad. It offers a glimpse of what might have been. All those "happy, smiling" posters with their "perfect lives". Most of it false! No one on facebook wants to say that their lives are less than remarkable and full of fun. Try not to get too draw into it, as you will only end up upsetting yourself and feeling more isolated. It just isn't worth making yourself feel so insignificant, when you are not.
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby cleo » Sun Dec 15, 2013 6:29 pm

Turtle,

I hear and totally understand, but its stronger than me....after a year of not knowing i have my very first grandson, its nice to get a "glimpse" of him, yes it doe's break my heart and cause pain, but then again i have been through 30 years of not knowing about my son......i cannot honestly say which is worst.
Its a no way win situation when contact has been disconnected for no reason.
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby Turtle » Sun Dec 15, 2013 7:38 pm

I can understand you see it as a no win situation. You want to see your son and grandson, but at the same time these glimpses on facebook are heartbreaking. An adopted friend of mine was the same. She is now estranged from her adoptive family but couldn't help but look to see what they were doing on facebook. In the end, it made her ill, to the point where she eventually had to stop doing it, for the sake of her own health.
Turtle
 
Posts: 404
Joined: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:12 am

Re: It's kinda crazy

Postby cleo » Sat Dec 21, 2013 9:55 am

Hi all,

Yes it doe's make me ill, because i think too much about what i see, he looks happy without me in his life, perhaps i did'nt mean that much to him in the first place...... but then i get butterflies, because i can see how he is after 2 years of separation...i know that sounds wierd, and often ask myself why do i put myself through this torture!! Is he going through the same? So many questions going unanswered again.....And with christmas just around the corner, the hurt is welling up again, i don't think we ever get over the scars that have been hidden so well over these past 30 years, they were just buried very deep and for my sanity hidden away so tight.
This past year i have been gathering all my emotions that were let lose the year before, and are being put back into their little hiding place where they have been previously, never to be let out again....once biten twice shy as the saying goes :-(
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm


Return to Young People

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron