Facebook - How would you feel?

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Facebook - How would you feel?

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu Sep 27, 2012 7:50 am

Hi,
I would love to hear from anyone with thoughts about facebook contact. I adopted my niece who is the youngest of a sibling group. She has unlimted contact with 2 older siblings and letterbox with 3 others who were adopted together. We have found the children on facebook although we can only see their profile photo and no other details. They are 16 & 15 years old. Adopted mum told me the oldest was on there (why tell me?) but when I asked how she stopped them from tracing birth family she didnt respond. We only write once a year so I can't follow that up.

Anyhow, although I know they have every right to be on there I'm wondering why they have exposed themselves to being contacted as it seems that they haven't actually blocked us. Are they being naive? Are they secretly hoping we send a friend request? Oldest sister is 22 and counting the days until she can see them again which hopefully will be when they are 18. She is resisting the temptation to act as she doesn't want to upset the precious contact she has already,

Can I ask the young people out there - would you want your siblings to try to make contact? How would it make you feel, would it be very upsetting/unsettling? Bearing in mind that birth mum has no contact at all - through her own choice (or laziness)- would an adopted teenager welcome an attempt at contact even though it will no doubt be refused by the adopted parents.

The temptation is so great and I am proud of my niece who has so far resisted pressing that little button.

Whats teh worst that could happen?
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: Facebook - How would you feel?

Postby ladyarcher » Fri Sep 28, 2012 9:53 am

Facebook is indeed a two edged sword ......... if the adoptive mother told you that the oldest was on there, I agree, her reasons for telling you are open to a number of interpretations.....

.... was it a 'heads up' as they call it, just so you wouldn't get a shock....
.... was it a way of saying contact was available without involving the official chanels....
....or was it a 'warning off'.......

.. who can tell......

.....I am pretty sure that sixteen year olds can have contact with the approval and consent of the adopting family, and the SS but this obviously would have to go through the official channel. You say that the two on FB of the three that were adopted together are 15 and 16, but that the niece that you adopted is the youngest of the original six..........if she is very young, say ten or twelve, she might be considered too young to have contact with the others, but if she was perhaps fourteen, then the official view might be taken that she was old enough to have contact with them.......I am purely guessing here of course, ......and I can just imagine the problems for the adoptive parents of the three if they suddenly banned FB ...........

Very difficult......... presumably your adopted niece knows the names of the other three as she has letterbox contact........or does she only know their Christian names .........do they know her Surname............ what a general mess their b.mother has left for everyone else to sort out......or perhaps it is not her fault, though you say she has no contact by her own choice or laziness..........very difficult for you, and the older ones who are just waiting to be reunited with the three................

LA
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Re: Facebook - How would you feel?

Postby Donotunderstand » Tue Oct 09, 2012 8:18 am

Thanks LA for mulling this over and giving me your thoughts.

Our daughter is nearly 12 years old, she came to us at 3 days old and is aware of her adoptiion and the structure of her family. We do know the surname of her siblings because the parents used to include it when writing alhough the letterbox team are adhering to contact rules more closely now and its no longer shown and letters have lots of blamks where they may have put a place name. We are not allowed to say we miss and love the children.

Adoptive mum has made it clear that contact will not be allowed until they reach 18 although a few years ago she was considering a meeting between the two oldest girls as her daughter was badly missing her big sister. Adoptive mum tells me the children ask when they can see their siblings but she doesn't say what she tells them. Your point about our daughter being comsidered too young for contact is a good point - this was brought up by social services when big sister wrote a letter to adoptive parents asking if she could communicate direct with them (this was rejected by social services). However, I am certain she could cope with it - its the not seeing them that causes upset.

Would it be nasty or stupid of me to message adoptive mum through facebook just to let her know we can see them?
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: Facebook - How would you feel?

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Oct 10, 2012 9:44 pm

Hmm........ a tricky one that ....... perhaps a.mother thinks that if contact is made via FB then she can cry innocence as she 'didn't do it'.......and not be blamed if it does not go well.........if she has already stated that no contact will be allowed until the age of 18, then she is sort of keeping to the 'party line' and being 'good' keeping the rules of the SS........ how does she think that she can work that, when all the children are going to reach 18 at different times, and get to meet their older siblings different years.........if I was the youngest ....i.e. the one that you have, ......then I think I would be very aggrieved to know that the others were gradually getting together for a long time before I was included.........several years may not feel long to an old SS worker, but it will be a quarter, or a half of the whole life of the youngest child......

The longer siblings are apart, the further apart they will grow.........it is obvious ........ interests diverge......... educational opportunities differ........ financial background too, will all play a part in separating siblings.....

.....I often joke, that my full sister who is sixteen months my junior, and was adopted to a different couple to me, had a slightly 'posher' upbringing, because she had her own ponies, and I only got riding lessons ....... it is, truly, a joke, but it serves to point a difference.......we both had private schooling, she at boarding school, me at a Girls' Public Day School Trust school in our town.........she also had an adopted brother.........I was brought up as an 'only' ........from my point of view now, ......... I am quite old, as is my sister ........ so for me, these sort of differences are irrelevant ..........after so many years I have many good things, experiences, opportunities that she did not have, and she has many good things experiences and opportunities that I have not had.... we are, in effect, equal, yet very differently so.............but I wouldn't mind betting that had I found her many years ago, when we were young, then the green and yellow of jealousy and envy may perhaps have spoiled our reunion a bit........or possibly totally.......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946
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Re: Facebook - How would you feel?

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu Oct 11, 2012 7:42 am

Once again LA you have read the situation right. When we adopted, our social worker was chuffed that our daughter would be brought up in a similar family to her birth family ie working class. The 3 adopted together - girl is 16, twin boys will be 15 next month - are in a "better off" family. They holiday abroad and cruise, we holiday in Devon and have a touring caravan. They eat out at restaurants, we eat out in a local pub as a treat. Apart from that I can't see much difference, The children all go to standard schools, have bicycles, have music lessons etc. Although we are financially strapped we have been described as posh because we speak nicely (as a child apparently I had a BBC voice!!) and my children can stand their ground in any situation.

I like your comment about adoptive mum crying innocence if we were to rise to the bait. But that won't happen any time soon as the oldest adoptee is in her GCSE year and apparently needing help from CAMHS because of stress so we wouldn't want to burden/confuse her any further. I am concerned that the children will be strangers when they do meet and that is why I continue to explore the idea of making direct contact. At the beginning of our journey all the carers had a meeting to discuss contact and it was agreed that face to face would be establishes asap. Adoptive mum hesitated and agreed it would happen "once the children had settled" 11 years later the children are still not settled and to my untrained mind seems to be as a result of them not being able to see their sister who was in effect "mum" to them in the early days.

I'm still tempted to message adoptive mum just to let her know we can see them - stalking is not pleasant, I'd rather be out in the open.

Thanks LA
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm


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