Christmas messages...

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Christmas messages...

Postby Ashling » Tue Dec 20, 2005 9:01 pm

Hey guys, I could really do with a tad of advice!
Ive not been in contact with my birth (dont know what the best word to use is!) mother for a few months now after only talking for 4 months or so, and when we parted it was 100% her who made the descion and she said some very harsh things to me. The society i was adopted through and now involved and i now must have sessions with a social worker, who is lovely and goes compelety above and beyond the call of duty..... Anyway when i last had a session the subject of passing seasons greetings with kay (my whatever word u want to use mother), it was decided after having to get permission from people that i would pass a simple txt msg with her on christmas but now im not so sure i actually want to do this.
Ive worked hard to be able to forgive the things she said to me, and to get out of the habit of talking to her etc, but now im told it would be wise to txt saying just happy christmas, and im not sure if having any sort of contact with her would in a sense put me back to where i started mentally after she wanted no more to do with me.
I know many people would jump at the chance to have the opportunity to do so, but as much as i actually do want to i dont know if i can.
Ive really gone round the houses here, my question is should i txt her or not? For she knows that im meant to txt her so when i dont i could upset her but then i think txting her may upset me. So im incapable of deciding what to do for the best and could really do with some opinions.
Thanks and merry christmas to you all.
Ashling
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:38 pm

Postby Jordibird » Tue Dec 20, 2005 11:05 pm

Hi Ashling,

I am so sorry that you have had to go through all this hurt again, it must be soul destroying for you at times. Was there any reason given to you why your b/mum wanted to end contact? I would have jumped at the chance but every situation is different. Now that you have other parties intermediating for you can help (with you most certainly, someone to talk to and voice your concerns/fears to), but it can also make things a tadj difficult just basing this on what you said about having to get permission from people to pass on seasons greetings. Has everyone involved here told you everything that went on especially pre and post your adoption? I don't know how young your mam was at the time, and (I might be jumping at conclusions here - just by your name ) did the adoption take place in Eire? If that is the case then the pressures your b/mum must have been under at that time and I suppose even now must have been enormous as adoption even now has a stigma to it (even more so than over here). But that is still no excuse and I do not condone what has happend to you, I'm just trying to figure out some sort of reason even a small insight as to what happend to make her feel that she had to try and end things. Judging by what you have said she is expecting a text from you, so the other parties must have informed her that you would be in contact. I really appreciate where you are coming from here, if you txt her then you will leave the door open to be hurt/rejected again, if you don't you might lose all contact. It seems that by using a text message that only your b/mam will see it, that might be the case through out here.
I would say send the message keep it short and simple passing on your greetings, this way you have treat her with kindness (even though it might seem that she does not deserve that) and goodwill and this is the most important it will show her what a brilliant, sensitive and special daughter she has brought into the world, because thats what you are Ashling! This has nothing to do with you as a person, you are who you are, try (its hard) not to think that it is in someway your fault, its not believe me. There are a lot of factors at work here and you need people to start being honest with you. I hope the New Year brings a lot more happiness for you, remember your the innocent party in all this.

Best Wishes for Xmas and all the Best for the New Year.

Love

Lesley

P.S feel free to PM me if you want to, no problem, take care.
Jordibird
 
Posts: 74
Joined: Thu Sep 15, 2005 2:37 pm
Location: Newcastle upon Tyne

Postby elly » Wed Dec 21, 2005 9:23 pm

Dear Ashlyn

I think it's sad you've been put in this position. I aree with Lesley, sending a message will leave the door open, but is that really what YOU want?

You've already been kicked in the teeth once - are you prepared to let it happen again?

Your mum obviously has her reasons for breaking contact, she may regret it, if not now then in the future... who can know.

Ashlyn put yourself first. Do what you want to do, not what your being told to do.

I can understand why you've been advised to text, but isn't that a bit too impersonal? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying don't text, just think long and hard before you do. If it feels wrong - don't do it, if it feels right then do it.

I'm sure you won't get much sleep over the next few nights thinking of this......

I wouldn't want to be in your shoes Ashlyn :(

Take care
Elly
Re-United with Natural Mum 23rd Oct 2004
elly
 
Posts: 251
Joined: Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:55 pm

Postby Ashling » Fri Dec 23, 2005 10:34 pm

Hi. Thought I should just post with what ive decided to do as you took the time to reply. Im going to txt Kay (my natural mother) on christmas day, its the season of goodwill and all and if she is expecting a message from me I dont want to upset her, because no matter what shes done, I dont like the idea of upsetting her. If it backfires on me and she just rejects me or whatever again, then well she does, at least I will know I'll of done the right thing by trying to forgive and forget. Who'd think that something so simple could be so stressful!!
I hope you and your familys in all meaning of the word have a good christmas.
Ashling
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:38 pm

Postby elly » Sat Dec 24, 2005 10:16 am

Hi Ashlyn

Just goes to show - All the Books Are Wrong!

Us adoptee's don't turn out to be deranged, hate the world people, do we? All you've been through and you still don't want to upset your mum.

You have a warm heart Ashlyn - don't let anything or anyone take that from you.

I sincerly hope everything works out for you, but if it doesn't, you can rest easy with a clear conscience - at least you tried.

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Elly
Re-United with Natural Mum 23rd Oct 2004
elly
 
Posts: 251
Joined: Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:55 pm

Postby Ashling » Sun Dec 25, 2005 10:40 pm

Thought I might as well post a little update at to what happened, seeing as Ive nothing better to do on my christmas night! Pathetic isnt it!!
So I txt my birthmother/natural mother whatever takes ur fancy and she txt back which is all fine and dandy, but i do wish I hadnt because now I just miss talking to her more than I possibly did when we stopped talking, maybe those feelings are just coming to the surface now, I dont know.
Ah well I knew the consequences when I txt her, and Id prefer for me to be upset than her by me not txting. I just wish this whole thing had never happened.
Damn I know how to make things cheerful! Sorry for being so downbeat. Hope uve all had a good christmas and santa bought you what you wished for.
Ashling
 
Posts: 9
Joined: Wed Oct 12, 2005 12:38 pm

Postby elly » Mon Dec 26, 2005 8:07 am

Hi Ashlyn

Well at least you did it, and the door's still open

I know what you mean about contact making you miss them more. When my family didn't contact me for a few weeks I missed them, but like you, I missed them even more when they did contact me - I guess it's because contact brings all the emotions back to the surface again.

In my case the lack of contact was simply because everyone was busy, and not that there was a problem, but, I don't know..... Somehow keeping in touch was harder than not...... I haven't explained that too well have I?

Some times I felt it was me doing all the running, but my mum explained in the begining, in no way did she want to upset my life as it is, even though she is now a huge part of my daily life - more than she will ever accept.

anyway - enjoy the rest of the holiday season........

Elly :D
Re-United with Natural Mum 23rd Oct 2004
elly
 
Posts: 251
Joined: Sun Feb 06, 2005 7:55 pm


Return to Young People

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest