Hate my parents - got the T shirt

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Postby Edd » Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:44 pm

I too bottle things up inside and i do even now sit alone crying to myself because i miss my sister and mum so much, there sint a day goes by without me having a slight thought about them, i hate sneaking around doing thing i just wish i could openly phone them, talk about them, without lying or covering things up, but i know this will never be, so im just going to have to wait till i grow up and move out before i can really do anything :S
Thanx Kaz, much appreciated and i hope i can pull through like you
:)
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:52 pm

You will pull through, I have no doubt. Especially in this age where we have email, msn & phones. It may seem that the North East and Luton are worlds apart, but in reality, it isnt that far at all.

I take it that youve had no joy speaking about this, maybe you need to let the dust settle before talking about it again. If, like you say, the situation is impossible, please think very carefully before breaking away from your adoptive family to be with your birth mum & sister.

You have my email etc. Use it any time you want.

John
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Postby Wendy Gooley » Mon Jan 21, 2008 12:28 am

Hi Edd, can i say the grass is never greener on the other side, even if it takes time for us to know it.. Please dont do anything without giving some real deep thought, Im not sure of your background so forgive me if im on the wrong lines here.. Is it not possible to have contact with bmum & sister for now without the having to involve a parents at this present time.. I feel its such a shame to hurt yourself and your adoptive parents when you dont actually know if you will still want a relationship with birth family once you get to know each other. I say this more so after having read a few times in here that after the honeymoon period the contact dies off be it due to adoptees feeling fullfilled for what they have found or whatever the reason may be. Goodluck whatever you decide to do i wish yu luck and happiness xx
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Postby Diane » Mon Jan 21, 2008 8:05 am

Do you still need to involve a parents when you are 18? sorry just a question as I am not aware of this myself.

Every relationship needs to be worked at from both sides. As you know my reasons for breaking off contact with Margaret ..for my own sanity and safety. With Dad2 and 13 yrs on I hope this gives hope to others that it can work out and be permanent.

In fact I have not mentioned this but my Dad2 is completely the opposite of my Dad, tattooed everywhere, he reminds me of a larger Del Boy. Like chalk and cheese to be honest. But like I have said its not what they have, how they have been in their lives, how many kids they have how many times they have been married etc. I couldn't care less if my Dad2 was living in a tent, it was him and the way we emotionaly connected when we met. His grass certainly wasn't greener, helped for the fact he had put too much weed killer on it and killed the lot :lol: :lol: :lol:


I would never advice any adopted child to think of any birth parent being a replacement to your a parents whom bought you up. Allow your b parents there own nieche, a space where it is not just data information required, a space where you both feel comfortable and a clock that never ticks. It takes time to develop. You can't possibily expect to get to know each other in a few meetings, it takes a long long time. If you really want this to work each side has to repsect each other & thier situations, only then can you both build on developing your future together.

I have never felt fullfilled 100% ...after all Dad2 and I are still working at getting back 32 years, 13 years on and I still havnt caught up a single day.
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Postby Edd » Mon Jan 21, 2008 10:11 am

That would be the hardest thing that they could do, and i would be devistated id it did just start to die down.

I have asked them and they have aassured me that it will stay as active as it did in the first week.

As for needing parents when im 18, im not very house trained, i do cook and help around the hou, but if i did decide to pack up and move out, it would be with mates and not on my own.

Its my birthday tomoro the 22nd and my bmum, has told me she has sent me a card with "Too a special Son" on it, i did get one for christmas but nothing like the one shes sent for this occasion, i dont have a problem with, as she is my mujm, she was the one who gave me life and happiness for the first year of my life, but my a parents have sumthing agaisnt it, and im the one whos gettingthe front of all th anger :( , but im not going to tell my bmum to stop sending them.

See, once again its a catch 22 situation, do i accept the card and spite my a paretns or do i not and upset my b mum ?

God sumtimes i wish i wasnt even around, would make things alot easier :S
Wendy Gooley wrote:Hi Edd, can i say the grass is never greener on the other side, even if it takes time for us to know it.. Please dont do anything without giving some real deep thought, Im not sure of your background so forgive me if im on the wrong lines here.. Is it not possible to have contact with bmum & sister for now without the having to involve a parents at this present time.. I feel its such a shame to hurt yourself and your adoptive parents when you dont actually know if you will still want a relationship with birth family once you get to know each other. I say this more so after having read a few times in here that after the honeymoon period the contact dies off be it due to adoptees feeling fullfilled for what they have found or whatever the reason may be. Goodluck whatever you decide to do i wish yu luck and happiness xx
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:28 am

Your birth mum is important to you so you have every right to accept them as part of your life, and that includes communication and receiving cards. If it is as you say, and your a/parents cannot stand the thought, then you have to find a way of coping without dangling this contact under their noses, perhaps even going so far as to have your card sent to a friend's address. Whilst you still live with them, their feelings have to be taken into consideration, whether they are right or wrong. If it is as you describe, and they are basing their actions on pure jealosy, then of course it is unreasonable, but I do not suggest that you go to war over this- there will be no winners only losers.

In short, try at all cost not to 'rub their noses' in the contact you are having, try to keep it apart. It may seem underhand, but it boils down to your choice, in the end, as you are classed as an adult at 18.

You know where to find me if you need to talk.

John
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Postby Diane » Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:37 am

Edd that card is yours, it's for you not for your a parents. Accept it with the manner in which it was sent if you can. However where you display this could affect your a parents feelings / reactions. If you wish for a calm and easy answer then maybe display this in your own space, like your bedroom even under your mattress, not on full view for everybody. This card has been sent with love a special type of love that your a parents are finding it hard to accept. Believe me buying cards for birth parents and adopted children upon reunion is very difficult as so many just do not have the correct words.
Like John very rightly said don't rub their noses in it, as there will only be losers all round.
Its a case of respect all round, even if at this time your a parents are not repsecting your wishes at least you will be able to say on your part you have given this at least. You can then hold your head up high.
Diane
 
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Postby Edd » Thu Jan 24, 2008 3:42 pm

I would understand thir feeling if i put the card up on the tele, but its in my room next to my bed out of the way, my b\parents never go into my room so why are they getting on their high horse ?

Why cant they just be happy for me? WHY ? :(
Taking Life One Smile At A Time :)
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:12 pm

I understand you are now 18, so congratulations and happy birthday. I cant speak for your a/parents- nobody can other than themselves. If I were in your situation, i would probably feel as you do, whilst in their situation I would certainly not be reacting as they are.
My advice to you is simple. Keep focused on what you want to achieve. You know what the opinions of your a/family are, so it would seem daft to raise the subject with them anymore. Hopefully time will prove to be a great healer in this case.
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Postby Diane » Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:53 pm

If it prevents bad feeling and arguments you would be better to stay silent, it may be fustrating but in the end they may wonder why you have not said anything and start asking.
Just try to be yourself around your a family, I think they really do feel very threatened by this, and there is only you that can make them realise that being as they are will push you further away.

Good luck xxxx
Diane
 
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Postby Josie » Mon Feb 04, 2008 8:06 pm

Hi Edd,

I felt for you, reading these posts. My son and I went through the same thing. I know friends who are adopted have gone through the same thing.
At the time when they, the adopted ones have been the ones who truly need the most assurance, they have been torn apart trying to keep their adoptive parents happy.
These adopted people have been told that they are ungrateful and they have feared losing their relationship with their adoptive parents and family.
All this, despite overwhelming efforts to reassure their adoptive parents that they loved them etc, etc. For some, progressing an open relationship with all their families seemed impossible.
Open threats from the adoptive parents to cast them off, to negate their relationship have been real in some of these adopted people's lives.
So, I can empathise with your fears and feelings of going mad, being overwhelmed by all the feelings that accompany reunion.
I think the worst part, is that everyone will encourage you to keep reassuring your adoptive parents (which of course is natural) - but that kind of puts the responsibility for the outcome on your shoulders.
But you are NOT responsible for their feelings or should I say, HOW they choose to react to this new challenge in their life. This is their own challenge. It came with the territory when they adopted you.
You can give them unconditional love and respect, but you cannot be responsible for them giving into jealousy and all the hurtful feelings that particular emotion generates.
Ultimately, your adoptive parents are adults - consider giving them a book to read on reunion/adoption, with a heartfelt letter even, asking for their support and understanding. But finally, in the long term, if you can't change them, you may have to make some tough choices about your relationship with them.
Every adult deserves respect for their needs and that includes your and your birthfamily.


My son and I were SO flipping happy on meeting; he told me that day, that he was the happiest man in the world. We didn't realise at the time, what faced us in the future.
We took it slowly regarding how much his adoptive family needed to know about our relationship. My son was the model of kindness and consideration, he was discreet and tactful and constantly gave his adoptive family no reason to complain. In the end it became quite clear to him, that it was all about them and they couldn't or wouldn't accept the presence of his birthmother in his life. They didn't know we met regularily, they thought we only had letter contact and that was still not acceptable to them. By the way, my son is married and in his thirties.
For his adoptive Mother, it didn't matter how many times he said that nothing would change what she meant to him, the reality of my existance was too much for her.
She hurt him very badly and he came close to a breakdown. Emotionally he was awash, in turmoil and unable to cope. He got adoption counselling to enable him to exert his own needs, to recognise his right to those needs and other people's responsibility to respect that. And that is not an easy concept to grasp for many adopted people, as I am sure you know!
My son knew these things intellectually, but found it hard going emotionally to not feel gutted, guilty, rejected and a million other things.
Counselling and the putting of things into perspective helped him to communicate with his adoptive parents in a way that left him with his own dignity and invited them to truly love him, unconditionally.
I can only imagine that surely his adoptive Mother may now regret some of the things said and done. If only, if only.


Regarding the birthday card, well my advice is to treasure it, keep it close to you - but at this point in time - not on public display.
Enjoy the words and the meaning, don't let it become an object of hatred and anger. Keep it as a private thing.

Try trusting your birthmother - if you feel you need some space, please let her know it's not about her, share how you feel, how messed you feel. The chances are that you'd get even closer if you poured out your heart to her. Just speaking from experience here. :-)
Josie
 
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