Hate my parents - got the T shirt

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Hate my parents - got the T shirt

Postby Guest » Tue Nov 02, 2004 1:52 pm

I've spent years being angry and really horrible to my adoptive parents - they have done everything they can for me including ensuring that I know all about my past and making sure I could regularly see my birth family - no-one ever made them do it either and despite the fact that my bfamily were actually pretty rotten to them. I have given my mum and dad (adoptive but I consider them my real parents :o ), but especially my mum a really rough time and I realise now how unfair I have been to them - when they have been there every step of the way. For all of you out there wishing and wondering about your birth families I can share some of that as I don't have contact with my bdad but I do know where he is and could easily see him. I have the answer to a lot of questions but there is stuff I just wish I now didn't know so it is really tricky. Knowing my bfamily has been incredibly difficult and painful for me. Through it all my Mum has shielded me from the worst of the "stuff" and given me so much support - it is mega stuff and really can be difficult to get your head round so I'm glad she was there to talk to - even though i didn't want to take it in sometimes (coz I was too busy being a pain in the rear end). I have been very lucky I know now and have treated both my parents like rubbish - when it was never ever their fault. A couple of years ago all I could feel was angry with them and my kid sister too - now I realize I was really angry with my bmum for being a rubbish parent and letting this happen to me - trouble is even now she doesn't even realize what shes done to me and probably never will. I've decided I don't need her in my life now but at least I can make that choice - thanks to my adoptive parents.
Think I've got some "crow" to eat :wink: .
Guest
 

Postby hilary » Wed Nov 03, 2004 11:13 am

Wow, it sounds like the voice of a really emotional experience talking there!

You're right, meeting your birth family isn't always going to be everything you want it to be. You hope for the best but you can never know for sure...

It sounds like your adoptive parents were great throughout all of this... it's easy to lash out at the ones closest to you, isn't it?! Sounds like you're dealing with everything really well though :)
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Saying sorry

Postby Hector » Thu Nov 11, 2004 8:18 am

Dont know if I am dealing with stuff well really just feel rotten right now about the way Ive been with my parents. I want them to know how sorry I am and wish I could take back all the stuff Ive said and done but I dont know how.
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Postby Roxanne » Thu Apr 26, 2007 4:25 pm

I know how yew guys feel! My parents really annoy me as well! :( And i also say stuff that is mean, which i dont really mean and everything.
i have met my sisters, and my brother, :) That was a amazing time :lol: couldn't get over it!
But just remember that our parents love us to pieces, and have always been there for us.


xxx
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Postby Safari » Thu May 10, 2007 8:30 am

I AM AN ADOPTIVE MOTHER OF A 10 YEAR OLD WHO WAS VERY TRAUMATISED IN THE BIRTH FAMILY - WAS TAKEN INTO FOSTER CARE AT 6 YEARS OLD.

tHIS CHILD IS VERY ANGRY - AND TAKES IT ALL OUT ON ME - LOTS OF VERBAL AND PHYSICAL AGGRESSION.

WHAT DO ADOPTEES WHO HAVE BEEN THE SAME RECOMMEND - HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS IN A LOVING WAY THAT WILL HELP THEM FIND A WAY THROUGH IT ALL.

I DONT WANT TO BE A DOORMAT - AND DONT THINK THAT HELPS THE CHILD. BUT ALSO KNOW GETTING CROSS JUST MAKES THINGS WORSE - AND THAT MAKES THEM FEEL UNLOVED.
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Postby dhelliwell23 » Tue Nov 13, 2007 10:04 am

Hi safari

I am speaking as an onlooker to such behavior. I am adopted and so is my older sister, i am unaware about the circumstances of her adoption but she used to lash out at our parents very severly.

As i am not a parent i don't know how relevant, or even usefull my advice will be but i saw my parents hard as it was weather the storm. As you said quite rightly you in no way should be treated like a doormat.

Enforce rules and boundries but do it fairly obviously the child will not see it that way but as time goes on and your child matures she will begin to realise that you are not the enemy and in my sisters case will feel remorse for how she has treated you. Also really try to talk to her and find out what is on her mind and bothering her, she will probably be initially reluctant to open up but keep trying

Hope this helps a bit and best of luck with things
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What Can I Do

Postby Edd » Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:19 pm

Im a young adopted person of 18, i was told about being adopted when i was 11 but from 17 upwards things have gotten alot more serious, i have met, talked and spent a day or soo with my sister and birth mum, but things are starting to go sour, my adopted mother and father are getting jelouse, jelouse that im now talking to my birth mum and my sister.

I would have realy wanted support on this matter but there trying there hardest to stop this from going any further, im Emotionally and Mentaly drained from all of the arguing and shouting, i hate hurting peoples feeling but no mater what i do, i seem to hurt people, i dont know what to do, im a quite lad and i bottle things up, although i havent spoke or lived with my birth mother or sister for over 17 years once theye were back in my life feeling have started to emerge for them, im begining to become protective of my sister and i think abut them every day.

A few moths ago they came up from Luton, where they live to where i live Newcastle and i have to say, it was the best weekend of my life, but like most things, once tried you want more of the same, and i cant, so what im really saying is,
I think i need help coping with all of this
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:35 pm

please refer to personal message sent.
Last edited by j-h-g-5 on Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:34 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Wendy Gooley » Fri Jan 18, 2008 8:59 pm

Hi Edd, sorry youve found your in the position your in regarding parent issues, its a real shame considering that things are going well for you with reunion with birthmum,sister... I can kind of understand where you adopted parents are coming from re Jelousy etc, they have been there for you riased you, helped you and the list no doubt is endless, But still and its a big BUT this has to be what you want to do edd.. At the end of the day im sure you will love your parents regardless but maybe if you sat down and told them you need there support on this maybe they wont feel as tho you dont need them anymore... You may of gone thru all these chats with them already and if you have then i appologise for repeating them... They could just be feeling a little rejected, but this is not the case, the more you visit here the more you read and the more you speak to you will see you are not alone on this one... You have to do whats right for you cause as you will find in here lots live to regret they never... Goodluck mate we are all here if you need us xx
REUNITED!! Met With My Son 1-8-08!!!
Aint life Grand x x x x x x x x x x x x
Sèék Àñ Yê Shãll Fïñð
http://wendy-gooley.piczo.com/
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:38 am

As stated I have already sent you a message on this, but I would say (and this is purely guesswork) that this jealousy shown by your adoptive parents is probably just a fear of losing you. try to make them understand that isnt your intention. or perhaps it isnt jealousy at all, maybe it is genuine concern as to your future wellbeing. You must try to communicate with them to find out what the problem is exactly.

John
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Thanx

Postby Edd » Sat Jan 19, 2008 2:44 pm

Thanx for your replies and help, i do try and do thing that i know are right for me, but im a bit of a push over and dont stand up for myself :S

Things have gottten so bad that i have considered running away from home, not to live with my birth mum just to be on my own and get my head sorted out, its just sooo confusing, i take my hat of to anyone who has gone through this its a real situation.
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Sat Jan 19, 2008 2:53 pm

Running away, as you know is not the answer, although I HAVE been there and know full well sometimes you feel there is no other option. You have to speak to your adoptive family in a calm manner and state that you wish to include your birth family in your life, but not to exclude them. Are they just scared of losing you? Dont be manipulated into doing what is right for them, you have to do what is right for yourself in the long term.
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Postby Edd » Sat Jan 19, 2008 3:12 pm

I dont know if there scared, but there love for me has sort of dissapeared over the years, and now there isnt much love there.
Edd
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Sat Jan 19, 2008 4:36 pm

having spoken with you it would appear that it may be a communication issue. Of course, I may be wrong, and feel free to get in touch again if you would like.
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Postby kazza » Sun Jan 20, 2008 12:37 am

Hi Edd & welcome to the forums. After reading your story, it kind of broke my heart as I have experienced some of the issues you are experiencing. I was adopted when I was 5yrs old & told about my adoption when I was 14. Even though my birth mother struggled to keep me, she did keep me in the end. She re-married & it was my step-father who adopted me. When I was 16yrs old, I found out that I also had a half-brother. After finding out about my adoption, I was very curious to trace my birth relatives. As I didn't wish to upset my family, I would often keep all my feelings & emotions deep within. There were times when I would actually go to my bedroom & cry alone for many hours. I even had to put up with one of my half-sisters throwing up the reminder that her birth dad wasn't even mine :? When I reached my early 20's, I told my mum that I wanted to trace my birth dad. She re-acted with a "oh my god, please don't go there". As I look nothing like the family I was brought up with & the fact that I have nothing in common with any of them, I felt it was MY RIGHT. As I was still living at home, it also led to lots of rows with my siblings. To keep the peace, I decided to give up my search. Like you, I didn't like the fact that I was hurting people, especially the family I was brought up with. When I left home at the age of 23, I thought more & more about my roots. As I didn't wish to upset my mother, I decided to ask my Auntie. It was here that my so called Aunt told me my birth dad had died. I was left with total devastation & even began searching for his death certificate. As I could not locate it, I had a feeling that they were all lying to me. So again I gave up looking & tried to carry on with my life. When I reached 35, (I'm 44 now), I decided to search again. I also told my mum & adopted dad my intentions. However this time, I went in with a different approach. I told them that this was about me this time, not them. I even apologised for their pain, but really hoped they would understand where I stood in all of this. My mum agreed to a certain extent, but I knew deep down she was hurt. My adopted dad fully supported my decision. As I had little information to go on, I did use the services that After Adoption offered. The good news was I found my birth dad & this led to a wonderful reunion for both of us. However my mum couldn't accept it so I had to keep certain things to myself. As for my siblings, I now understand that they were just jealous. Having found my birth dad & hearing his side of the story, I now realize how much he truly loved & wanted me. I remember seeing the tears in his eyes & the emotions he felt for me deep inside & that memory will stay with me forever :)

The bad part for me was the guilty feelings I felt inside about the relationship with my birth dad. Because of this, I let my dad go. Boy did I regret this. I am actually trying to make contact with him again & I've sent him a letter.

Last year, I also had a reunion with my half-brother. In finding him, this led to rows & my siblings showed their jealous side. Again I ignored them all as this was about me & my life, not theirs. Unfortunately my half-brother rejected me as I don't think he could cope due to his own childhood experiences.

I don't really want to offer you any advice Edd as I truly believe that you have to deal with this in your own way. By sharing some of my life with you, I hope that it helps you move forward with yours. The only thing I can honestly say, is that adoption issues for me have affected my life. I've had to listen to so many lies & tread carefully so as not to hurt other people. It is only now that I have chosen to seek counselling on these issues.

Good luck & please know that I am here for you.
Love Kaz xxx
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