help

Moderator: AfterAdoption

help

Postby Kerrie » Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:02 pm

Hello all I am feeling pretty alone right now and was hoping to get some advice. I am 15 and 6months pregant I have not got a boyfriend so I am still with my parents. I don't know what to do. my parents have told me that I should have it adopted and when i said I was not sure they said because I am under 18 they will be the parents anyway and can get an adoption without me agreeing. Is this true? and if I do get it adopted will I regret it later? I am really scared of having the baby and even more scared about being a mum but if i give it up for adoption I don't know how i will feel about myself. Could anyone tell me if I have to make my mind up before the birth or should i?
I am worried that of i decide to give up the baby when i give birth and hold it I will want to keep him/her. Can I change my mind? I was still in school up til two months ago and everyone knows I am pregant, will people think bad of me afterwards? It is so hard, I hug my stomach and wonder what this baby wants... how am i supposed to know?
kerrie :cry:
Kerrie
 

Postby Guest » Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:24 pm

I can't help you with whether your parents can have the child adopted without your consent but I am sure someone on here will have the answer. I very much doubt it but from what I have read on here be VERY careful what you sign and what you agree to before you are sure of what you want.
Don't let anyone put pressure on you, it is your decision and only you can make it. There are options out there for you, maybe not adoption but short term fostering perhaps where you could have your child back when you are ready. Like I said before though, be careful what you agree to.
I understand how scared you must be feeling, just to be pregnant at fifteen is hard enough... but the decisions you make are going to affect you for a long time. If you give the child up for adoption he/she will never be truly out of your life/mind, I think most of the mothers who have given children up will tell you that.
Think about what you can offer the child, whether you feel mature enough to deal with everything, what you want to achieve in your life personally and what you want for your child. It is very difficult and like Piglet said only you can make your mind up, we can't tell you what to do. Neither can your parents though.
Be strong, Kerrie. Much love and cuddles. XXXXX
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Postby rc01 » Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:26 pm

that was me by the way, forgot to log in. xxx
rc01
 
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Postby elly » Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:28 pm

Hi Kerrie

Do you have a social worker or can your mid wife or doctor put you in touch with one?

Some people here have had unpleasant experiences with social services not answering their questions or listening to what they wanted.

So.... before your meeting, write down every question you want answering. Make sure you get an answer for all of them

Don't sign anything unless you know exactly what you are signing. If you decide to keep your baby you don't need to sign anything at all - so beware.

You don't have a crystal ball, you can't see into the future, so think about what you can offer a child. How will your life change if you do keep the baby. How much support will you have.

Think long and hard - as the others have said, there is no going back.

Elly
Re-United with Natural Mum 23rd Oct 2004
elly
 
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Postby kerrie » Tue Nov 29, 2005 11:55 pm

What about the childs dad does he have to agree to adoption as well? My mum rang his mum the other night and they were saying if it was adopted they might try to adopt him/her. Can i say I don't want that or once I have decided do i not even know where baby is?
kerrie
kerrie
 

Postby kerrie » Wed Nov 30, 2005 12:23 am

thanks piglet I know this is such a big decision in my life and I really feel so confused about everything. what will people think? will i regret it later? can i look after a baby? I just don't know...
A few months ago I was at school larking round with boys and stuff I should be doing at 15, now here I am. Been pregant is weird I am sure if I wasnt pregant I would be able to think a little better
kerrie
kerrie
 

Postby kerrie » Wed Nov 30, 2005 12:47 am

I have thought about keeping him/her and tried to think what it would be like. A lot of girls my age have babies and that nowadays but i just don't know. I know this sounds selfish but i would have to give up everything, school, uni maybe if i went.. and if i am unhappy i cant be a good mum.
I have read a few of peoples posts and if you had a baby adopted it sounds hard too. I understand either way is going to be hard and i wish it never happened. That is awful isnt it?
Best to get to bed now tho thanks piglet.
kerrie
kerrie
 

Postby Guest » Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:56 am

Kerrie

What can one say to someone in your predictament? Words do not sum up what you are going through right now. I am thinking of you, truly I am.

I gave my son up for adoption when I was a year older than you now. Like you, there was pressure from my parents and I made my decision. It never goes away, Kerrie, know that. I know, at sixteen, I thought it was the right thing to do and that I could continue with my life as normal. School, friends, boys. It does not happen that way. It is on your mind and in your heart forever.

I do not want to influence your decision in any way, only you can make this decision. Take as much time as you need, do not let anyone rush you into it. Even wait until the baby is born if you need to. I know my parents pushed me into a decision before my son was born and when I saw his little face... Well, you can imagine.

Kerrie you are barely an adult yourself and this is a lot of responsibility on your shoulders. Take some time and think things through. Do not worry about your friends at school, friends come and go in your life, your child is a part of you. You must not concern yourself with other people's opinions of you. As you get older you realise that more and more, only you have to live with yourself.

You are experiencing a lot at the moment so don't torture yourself. It is only natural to wish it all never happened, you are not a bad person for feeling that way and you will probably have many more feelings. It is natural and you do not have to worry about that on top of everything.

Talk to as many people as you can and take your time. Try and explain how you are feeling to your parents I know it is difficult but they might be more supportive if you all start communicating better. If you have any questions about adoption and what will happen, phone the ActionLine, they are really good at helping.

Keep your chin up Kerrie and Good Luck.
Guest
 

Postby Guest » Wed Nov 30, 2005 2:23 am

Hiya kerry, I wish i could wave a wand and make things better for you. I have looked through all the papers i have regarding the changes in the law for adoption, which take effect from next month. From what i can tell If you are under 16 when you give birth then both you and the baby can be made wards of court. Dont panic that just means that no one will be able to make decisions ie your parents signing the baby over without your consent. Also as far as the father is concerned, yes, since the late 50's natural fathers if known should by law be consulted about the childs possible adoption and he/his family would be able to apply for care and control of the baby. There is a site called forgotten mothers, if you go to that and look on their notice board you wil see a seperate board for a Robin Harnett. There isnt anything he doesnt know about adoption laws and how they work. He is a lovely bloke and wont try and influence your decision but he will be able to give any practical help you might need. Good luck and stay safe. love tina x i forgot to log in again aaaarh!!
Guest
 

Postby Josie » Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:20 am

((((((((Kerrie))))))))

I'm so sorry that your parents and boyfriends parents are thinking that they are the ones who say what happens to your baby.
I remember how lost I felt when I was your age....I used to hug my baby in my belly too..at night. I also was afraid to raise my own baby...same things as you...my young future life, uni...many things.
More importantly, I believed wholehearted that adoption was a GOOD thing. That the baby would have a fresh start in life with a Mummy and Daddy, who were married etc, etc.
My family and me, seemed to forget that we were a good family, with happy family members...it's so weird when I think about it now.
My little child would have been so well loved...yet that seemed to go out of the window, in favour of the ''adoption dream''.

What your parents need to understand, is that this baby is YOUR baby, and your family's first grandchild. Someone's nephew/niece perhaps.
This baby is not just an unfortunate mistake in young Kerrie's life.
He/she is part of all of you.

You don't go giving family away....no more than you go giving Grannies away to unrelated to strangers, just because they need looking after.
Can you imagine? Adopt a Granny. Granny doesn't fit in with our lives at this point in time...so we are offering her up for adoption!

Kerrie, unless you and your family have a history of dysfunctional violence, drug abuse, child sexual abuse...then it is very unlikely that a baby in your family will suffer, or that you will be a bad Mum.
If you are loved and cared for...if you know what's good loving and caring...then you can do it too.

If your family work together, they can support you and their new family member through everything...giving you the time out you will need.
Just like any Mother who is supported if she is married. The grandmothers are always at hand to help out and relieve the Mother.
That doesn't mean the grandmothers have a right to go and adopt the baby and rob you and your child of your true relationship.

You must make your needs known, to doctors, to everyone.
Do not be quiet whilst others seemingly direct the life of you and your baby.

I went back to school, after I had my baby. I couldn't do a thing at that time.
My life had changed forever. I had been a Mother...I couldn't just tuck that away and pick up the pieces from where I left off.


Later in life, I had no other children. I couldn't do it.
I married and have a successful life in all ways.
The big shock came when I reunited with my son....I found my family, my own, MY flesh and blood. My son. He's made of me and mine.
I'm not a child anymore, so the reality of this hurts very deeply.
We should not have been seperated. I believe this. I know this.

Ask your parents if they love you. Ask your Mother if she could have been parted from you. Ask her to think about your future, always acheing and missing your baby. Or being so emotionally numbed that you can't function in relationships or feel love properly.

Ask her how old does she think your female ancestors were when they raised family...only a couple of generations ago and 16 years old was the norm!

This is about your family working together to love you both.
Not to separate you or lose a little miracle out of their life...a little miracle who will grow up knowing that he was not loved enough by his Mother's family, for them to love him and keep him. Because that will be his TRUTH.

PM if you need help. I have worked with families in this situation and it's amazing how the grandparents can ''wake up'' and see the daylight....they need to hold and love their grandchild too, whilst encircling the Mother and baby with care and support....that's what family is all about. It's not about taking the baby off the Mother and adopting the child out within the family group.....there is NO NEED for that.
They can all support and love you both without this misery.
Josie
 
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Postby Guest » Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:22 am

Kerrie,

Just wanted to pass on my hope that everything works out for you. As others have said, only you can make the decision, and you must get as much (unbiased) advice and support as possible. That is really important, as you don't have long before your baby arrives.

I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to share a little of my story with you. Like you, I was pregnant at 15, and the first thing my mother said to me was "you know you can't keep this baby, don't you?". Coupled with a furious father and being so young there was no other option for me than to tow the line and agree to adoption. I had little fantasies about being able to keep my baby, but with no money, support and little clue about how to care for a baby it was only ever going to remain a fantasy.

I think I was lucky in that the adoption process was handled well, and i did feel supported. The adoptive parents are truly wonderful and we have 'letterbox' contact.

I continued at school, went to uni, got my youthful life 'back' and I have had a good life. I have always thought about and loved my son. I wish that there was a way I could have been his 'mum'. Now I have other children I look back with even more sadness at the fact I was parted from a part of me. As an adult I am now acknowledging the hurt and sadness from all those years ago.

(Realistic head on now)

There was no other option for me, and my 'son' (I am rather hesitant to use that word because it sounds like I am claiming him) has a good life as far as I can tell. There have been positives, and in life we all have to make the most of the situations we find ourselves in.

I guess I am telling you all this so that you take the time to review the options you have. If you have no support from your parents then it may be that you have to think about adoption. If they are in any way supportive then maybe there is a way you could make keeping your baby possible. With support there is no reason why you shouldn't be able to keep on with your studies. When I was doing A levels there was a girl in my class who had a baby the same time as me and she kept her baby and it worked for her.

Whatever you decide I wish you luck and happiness.

J.
Guest
 

Postby Guest » Wed Nov 30, 2005 11:24 am

That was from Jimi, by the way (why doesn't my log in work the first time?!!)
Guest
 

Postby kerrie » Wed Nov 30, 2005 1:26 pm

Thanks for all your replys. i have been to forgotten mothers site and left a message on there so hope to hear soon. its nice to know I am not on my own and good to hear and read so many other peoples messages about adoption. I cant pretend i have made my mind up i am still as confused as ever.
kerrie
________
FRAMINGHAM ASSEMBLY
Last edited by kerrie on Sat Feb 26, 2011 5:31 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Guest » Wed Nov 30, 2005 3:29 pm

Kerrie,
As long as you are unsure do not make any decisions. Be certain before you sign anything. This decision is irreversable in the future. Remember also that being pregnant affects the emotions you are feeling and it is often difficult to think rationally. You are so young and need to think about so many things.
Talk to your parents, they are probably just trying to protect you by suggesting you give the baby up for adoption. Show them that you are old enough to care for the baby with support if that is what you want.
You are a very brave young lady and you will reach the right choice with time and consideration.
Guest
 

Postby isatis » Fri Dec 02, 2005 4:03 pm

Dear Kerrie

I do not have mounds of experience on these matters but every one of my friends or aquaintances (spelling) that either had abortions or gave babies up for adoption feels pain and wishes they had not .
these days there is help for young parents even when their parents are against it through midwives health visitors and youth workers and the ss.
there is the chance as well that angry though they maybe their grand child will be precious to them.......................

Be strong and consider that your options though difficult are still open
isatis
 
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