How do i except my adoption as part of my life and move on?

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How do i except my adoption as part of my life and move on?

Postby MiMi » Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:30 pm

My name is Michelle-Alessandra (MiMi for short) i am 15 years old and got adopted at 3 months old. I have had a secure childhood and have no reason to feel the way i do.

For a few years now i have really strugled with my adoption. I lash out, i am extremely insecure and am terified that people i care for will leave me. I also feel extremely alone.

School is a big problem at the moment as i am doing Inheritence in science and other subjects are also touching upon the subject- every time i feel like crying! Which i know is really silly!!


What can i do to help myself face facts and move on?? HELP!!

XxMx
Last edited by MiMi on Sat Mar 12, 2011 10:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Thu Sep 25, 2008 8:42 pm

I would say that you have to realise that depression might not be adoption related at all. Plenty of people suffer with it, for a wide variety of reasons. If you feel you are likely to harm yourself, then it is probably best to seek some advice from your doctor regarding the depression and the self harm.

As I just wrote on the other thread, your adopters may well be willing to assist you in finding out information on your birth family. Unfortunately, the law normally makes provision for those older than 18 to search independently, so you will need some assistance and agreement from them.

Having said that, these sort of questions do not generally pass over time, and it is probably best that you seek some help - with assistance - from your local social services or the adoption agency that dealt with your adoption.

Sorry for not sounding too positive, but the age barrier is standing in your way to a certain extent here.
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Postby jazmin_latino_pride » Fri Sep 26, 2008 8:04 am

hun i feel da same
at skl im do attachments between children and parents in psychology and i get very defensive. it isnt silly at all. i think b4 u can move on u need 2 accept the way u fl and embrace it. also i went 2 adoption councilling n it helpd alot.
"LJ"
xxxx
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same

Postby stare12 » Sun May 10, 2009 10:26 pm

I feel the same but aparently Depression is most common in adopted people.
good luck
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon May 11, 2009 12:36 am

Depression is common in all walks of life. Perhaps if you are inclined to be of a depressive / pessimistic nature (me too) and you are also adopted, then you tend to associate one thing with the other.

I would strongly suggest that whoever it is might feel similar whether they were adopted or not - I believe it is the nature of the individual, not the circumstances.
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Postby lilit » Mon May 11, 2009 3:46 pm

Hello Mimi

I just wanted to say that I think it's totally understandable that studying these subjects at school upsets you. Lots of teenagers suffer from depression but I do think that being adopted makes life even more difficult.

Please get in touch with After Adoption for advice.
I also think you should talk to your parents about how you're feeling, or if you don't feel able to speak to them, maybe you have a nice teacher you could confide in?
You deserve some help with this. Good luck!

xoxo
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Re: How do i except my adoption as part of my life and move

Postby morris » Mon May 11, 2009 6:05 pm

Hi!

(For a few years now i have really strugled with my adoption. I lash out, i am extremely insecure and am terified that people i care for will leave me). :( :(
These lines are so true to alot of people who have been adopted, I know that I can hold my hand up and say that sums me up , I am alot better now,at my age I should be, :D :D

Dont mix rejection and the fear of it ,with depression the fear of rejection stays with you for a very long time, and only trust between you and other people, will make it easier to come to terms with it and makes you feel that life is worth living after all. :D :D

Good luck as you venture forward, and keep in touch, and when you feel down and low come on here and chat there is normaly a person to talk to,


LIFE is worth living so enjoy it, :lol: :lol:
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Postby Diane » Fri May 15, 2009 8:04 am

Hi,
First i would have a word with a teacher you feel confident and comfortable with, explain why you are finding these subjects difficult to deal with and understandably so. I can remember when i was at school sex education was being taught and the mention of abortion and adoption were brought up, there were children in the classroom who started saying how wrong adoption was and I stood up and gave it my all, after I ran out of class and straight home in tears.
I also feel that adoption counselling may help you to deal with your feelings too. As Morris said I am sure alot of adoptees including myself worry about people leaving us who we care about, although in reality life is a two way street, we give we take, and any true friendship and relationship can usually work on this basis.
If you are close to your A parents then try to speak to them too, alot of adopters will mentally prepare themselves for your feelings is insecurity, and hopefully your parents will be ready.
Born July 1963 and Reunited January 1995.
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Postby stantheman11 » Mon Mar 01, 2010 3:34 am

Hi
I think that it is about time that you had a talk with your adopted parents about your birth family .I think that you are at that age were you need to find out your past .Please do not hate your birth family,there could be lot`s of reasons why you were put up far adoption.I really feel that deep in your hart ,that you are longing to know your birth family.Your adopted mum might love you ,but thy can never be apart of you,you have blood family out there somewhere ,and i feel it`s come the time in your life to find out the truth,and to search far your birth family.Please do not self harm,if you feel angry then the best way is to talk to somebody about your problems.

Regards :wink:
TRACE YOUR BIRTH FAMILY AND FRIENDS

http://www.dadpeter.co.uk
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Postby katie » Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:43 pm

I would be very careful about starting a search at such a young age. I traced my BM at 16 and I wish now that I had waited until I was more emotionally mature to handle it. I do not mean this in a patronising way at all but I remember how I felt as a teenager. We all go through feelings of not knowing who we are as teenagers, whether we are adopted or not. I think the struggle as an adopted person at this turbulent time in our lives is knowing how much of it is because we are adopted and how much of it is natural because of our age. Tracing can be traumatic and emotional and doesn't always work out for the best. Does any teenager need more turmoil in their life? I think I thought that finding my BM would solve all my problems but I was still the same person, living the same life and all it did really was give me more emotions to struggle with.
I know that not everyone is the same and for some it may feel impossible to wait, just from experience I think that to be as mentally well equipped as possible for a reunion is hugely beneficial.
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Postby MiMi » Fri Mar 11, 2011 9:05 pm

I have now found my birth parents. It has been a very rocky road and continues to challenge me at every turn but I will never regret my decision. I now know and understand why I was given up for adoption and will always love my first mum for the opportunities she has given me.

For anyone adopted please never give up on it. And any birth parents your day will come where you will once again hold your child and comfort them.

XxMx
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Postby ladyarcher » Fri Mar 11, 2011 11:45 pm

So glad that you came back to tell us your news MiMi.......often we read of peoples' sadness on here and then never know what happens. You were fifteen when you first posted, so now you must be around 18.

I have always thought that it was the adoptee's responsibility to find their birth parents if possible, and to tell them that the child they gave up is ok - as hopefully we are - if any further relationship or contact is then wanted by both sides, that is a bonus.....but it is not always possible, so as long as we managed to get some answers we sometimes have to accept that this is how things are, and carry on with our lives.

I hope that you have become more comfortable with your adoption now, than you were when you first posted........adoption is a weird thing, we are someone and yet we are not that someone, we are also another someone, who would have had a different life, different friends, different places..........these two someones exist in the same person, and, to use a popular, if overworked expression.......'it does our heads in'....

I have lived with my adoption for a lot longer than you have lived with yours, and sometimes it still 'does my head in'.......however you can only go on from where you are......not from where you might have been......it looks as if where you are, is now a better place than where you were in your earlier postings.......part of this will be because you are older......sorry.......but getting older can be good ........part will be because you have got some answers. What non-adopted people can rarely really understand is the need for answers.......because they don't need them, they already have them....

... it is good that you now know why your birth mother had to let you go, it is good that you can love her for doing it. If you have a child of your own in the future, you will really understand what a sacrifice she made so that you could have better than she could give you at the time ...........

Good luck, and continue to come back here to share your challenges, they may well be ones that some of us have worked through in our turn......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found birth mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters, so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked........finally found my full sister, (who was adopted separately)eighteen months ago, after a forty year search. I had found out about her when I was 25.
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Postby MiMi » Sat Mar 12, 2011 10:31 pm

@Ladyarcher ~ I am just 17, thankfully for me I found my first mum through the internet and thus the normal 18 rules have not applied.

I shared the end of my story because in the three years I have come along way. I hope that my story can give someone out there just a little hope. It isn't simple, and it isn't easy. But it reunion has given me some of the best moments in my life.

I am an extremely lucky young lady and this is thanks to all my parents! I truely hope that everyones dreams come true because you all deserve it too :-D XxMx
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Postby alabasium » Tue Mar 15, 2011 8:55 pm

Hi Mimi,

I read your thread with interest as I'm adopted but also an adoptive mum too. I love the way you thanked ALL of your parents - what lovely way to find positions for all of them. Not easy, I know!

It is difficult. I am in my late 30's and I still struggle with what it all means (I've been in a kind of reunion for about 5 years now, but it's really kind of come to an end).

I'd love to know if you have any advice about how your adoptive parents helped? My little one is still quite small, but even today she mentioned birthdays whilst playing with a birthday cake and we talked about what BIRTHdays mean. I write to her BM and BF once a year.

You might find that your reunion possibly doesn't hit a straight line. Reunion seems to be more like a rollercoaster!

Wishing you all the best. I figure that the more people who love my little one the better! :D :D
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Postby MiMi » Wed Mar 23, 2011 10:04 pm

alabasium wrote:Hi Mimi,

I read your thread with interest as I'm adopted but also an adoptive mum too. I love the way you thanked ALL of your parents - what lovely way to find positions for all of them. Not easy, I know!

It is difficult. I am in my late 30's and I still struggle with what it all means (I've been in a kind of reunion for about 5 years now, but it's really kind of come to an end).

I'd love to know if you have any advice about how your adoptive parents helped? My little one is still quite small, but even today she mentioned birthdays whilst playing with a birthday cake and we talked about what BIRTHdays mean. I write to her BM and BF once a year.

You might find that your reunion possibly doesn't hit a straight line. Reunion seems to be more like a rollercoaster!

Wishing you all the best. I figure that the more people who love my little one the better! :D :D



Hey :-) I am really sorry that your reunion didn't go well. I can't imagine that feeling. I hope the contact you had gave you the closure that every adoptee needs. <3

In terms of advice all I can do is say honesty is the key. Ensure you tell her as much as possible. Something I never understood was that my birth mum loved me so maybe it would be nice to tell her that when she is a little older. Everyone copes very differently with adoption and I am sure your experience will help you to have empathy for what your daughter will experience. Just never forget that no matter what she decides in the future she will always love you as her mummy. I hope everything works out for you and that your daughter doesn't go through too much as we both know it is one heck of a rollercoaster ride.
XxMx
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