advice on coping with ungrateful / unrespectful young child

Moderator: AfterAdoption

advice on coping with ungrateful / unrespectful young child

Postby westy » Mon Jan 15, 2007 8:02 pm

hi everyone,

i have a 6yr old adopted girl who has no respect for toys ( broke 2 within a week of xmas day!) i do believe she does not do it out of malious but just has not respect for items and is reallly ungrateful. if you go shopping she thinks everything is for her.

i know i could have much worse problems but it really hurts to think she has a great home and new sister, we are not made of money, and she treats us like this. she also has no remorse for what she has done.

when she first came, almost 12 months ago, we made a huge point NOT to spoil her, we had to buy lots of clothes as she did not have any, but toys she shared with her sister mostly until it was her bithday( 4 months later) and now she has her own things.


if anyone has any advice on managing this or is in a similar position i would like to hear. If things dont change soon she will have a limit of £5 to spend in the pound shop for her birthday!!!!

thanks
westy
x
westy
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:38 pm
Location: Lancs

Postby Josie » Tue Jan 16, 2007 11:26 am

i have a 6yr old adopted girl who has no respect for toys ( broke 2 within a week of xmas day!) i do believe she does not do it out of malious but just has not respect for items and is reallly ungrateful. if you go shopping she thinks everything is for her.


I really feel for your difficulties having read your other posts.
I doubt if this little girl can understand the word "ungrateful" anymore han she could understand "grateful".
Poor little thing. I hope you can help her.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby Josie » Tue Jan 16, 2007 11:32 am

i
know i could have much worse problems but it really hurts to think she has a great home and new sister, we are not made of money, and she treats us like this. she also has no remorse for what she has done.


Are you able to get some counselling to help you get a handle on this?
She can't be held responsible for how she "treats" you or having no remorse. Not at this early stage. She may have a great new home and sister, but she has a young lifetime of difficulties that people like you and me have never experienced.
The worst part is that people are being recruited to adopt, not knowing half of it. And then being left to manage by themselves with situations that threaten their family stability and happiness.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby marzxxx » Tue Jan 16, 2007 4:28 pm

Hmm all I can say is your rushing ahead. Any child can be destructive for whatever reason.

It sounds like maybe you should've seriously thought about things before you adopted.
marzxxx
 
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2006 1:21 pm

Postby westy » Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:10 pm

hi all,


thanks for your replies so far.

we did think alot about adopting, as we had no biological need to, but wanted to adopted to give a child a chance....like many others

yep it may seem a petty problem to some of you but to have a child that breaks / distroys something every single week for the last 12 months, ( maybe i should of explained it wasnt just at xmas) regardless of the monatory value attached to the item that is not normal and very flustrating.

of course all kids break things and adaults too!!!!! we have a biological 4 yr old so know that all too well.

what we need is advice on how to manage this.......


thanks
westy
x
westy
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:38 pm
Location: Lancs

Postby wakey wakey » Tue Jan 16, 2007 7:25 pm

Sometimes adopted children have very low self esteem and believe that they do not deserve nice things so will destroy them. Or it could be a means of trying to control by pushing your buttons to get a reaction. Sometimes if they remember a negative atmoshere in thier original home they will subconsciously try to recreate it as it feels more comfortable for them than a more positive environment.
I know our daughter can be very passive aggressive and I do think many adopted children struggle with anger. And why shouldn't they? It is a terrible experience to lose your first parents and there is a long grieivng process for many adoptees in coming to terms with this.
wakey wakey
 
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:48 pm

Postby marzxxx » Tue Jan 16, 2007 8:35 pm

I think you should manage it as you would with a biological son or daughter of the same age.

No offence, but your writing makes it sound as if you think you are doing this child a favour by becoming her adopters. If she feels that from you, then maybe it's one of the reasons for her behaviour.

I think I'm going to leave the answers in the hands of someone else. This thread is a bit too much for me.

Sorry :(
marzxxx
 
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2006 1:21 pm

Postby westy » Tue Jan 16, 2007 8:57 pm

thanks wakey wakey for your comments... you make some interesting points to consider.


i think some times we( as in me & hubby) are quilty of trying to solve problems we may never find the answers too which is a part of adoption that is was not covered in our training.



marzxxx can i ask have you adopted a child?


thanks
westy
x
westy
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:38 pm
Location: Lancs

Postby marzxxx » Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:11 pm

westy wrote:marzxxx can i ask have you adopted a child?


No. I have never wanted to. I have my own personal reasons for my saying that.

I do, however, have a close relation who has adopted 4 children and I do know adoptees. I also have a friend who has had a child adopted. So, although I am not any of the above, I can empathise.
marzxxx
 
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2006 1:21 pm

Postby westy » Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:13 pm

to be honest josie i have much more in common with this child (due to my own past experience ) but have only realised this post adoption which contribute to perhaps me being sensitive at times?
westy
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:38 pm
Location: Lancs

Postby Josie » Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:54 pm

I can understand Westy.
It must be darned hard for all of you.
That is why I suggested counselling. As the adults, perhaps it would be useful if you and your husband got help in coming to terms with this little girl's behaviour and influence on your nerves and emotions.

for her part, she is just a hurt little kid.
I'm also sorry this is such a hard situation for you.
She won't be "cured" overnight honey. Wakey is so right in what she suggested about this kid's behaviour.

Hope you can get some proper professional help,
I don't believe adopters are getting the proper insight they need into needs /behaviour of young children from abusive homes.
Just remember, it's not her fault.
It's not an impossible situation, just something that needs a lot of patience and time.


Regards
Josie.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby westy » Tue Jan 16, 2007 10:00 pm

thank you for your kind words josie.


westy
x
westy
 
Posts: 16
Joined: Sat Dec 30, 2006 6:38 pm
Location: Lancs

Postby wakey wakey » Tue Jan 16, 2007 11:20 pm

Hi westy,
We use some very different parenting techniques with our daughter to the ones we used with our birth children.
I haven't visited it for a long time but thier is a good site called adsg-attachment disorder support group and you may find they can give you some good advice on how to manage your daughter's behaviour.
The bit about you feeling sensitive because of your own past is something I can relate to. Being adopted myself means that my daughter's experience has triggered a lot in me.
Being an adoptive parent seems much harder than parenting birth children and sometimes things don't feel quite right, but those outside of the situation don't always see the stresses we are under.
wakey wakey
 
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:48 pm

Postby wakey wakey » Tue Jan 16, 2007 11:21 pm

Hi westy,
We use some very different parenting techniques with our daughter to the ones we used with our birth children.
I haven't visited it for a long time but thier is a good site called adsg-attachment disorder support group and you may find they can give you some good advice on how to manage your daughter's behaviour.
The bit about you feeling sensitive because of your own past is something I can relate to. Being adopted myself means that my daughter's experience has triggered a lot in me.
Being an adoptive parent seems much harder than parenting birth children and sometimes things don't feel quite right, but those outside of the situation don't always see the stresses we are under.
wakey wakey
 
Posts: 194
Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:48 pm

Postby marzxxx » Wed Jan 17, 2007 4:02 pm

Yes but some adopters don't want the help either.

Apologies for sounding bitter by the way, it's probs cause I am.
marzxxx
 
Posts: 166
Joined: Wed Mar 22, 2006 1:21 pm

Next

Return to Adoptive Families

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron