Abandoned by adopted daughter

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Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby big sky » Tue Mar 26, 2013 11:53 am

AA
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Mar 26, 2013 3:53 pm

Hello Big Sky and welcome........although you would probably wish that you did not need to be welcomed here .......however be sure that you will always find help and support on this Forum.......we are a mixed bunch of adoptees, b.parents, and some adoptive parents.......though sadly not many of the last two categories....

..Now you are saying that your grand child still wants a relationship with you, so I am assuming that your a.daughter is not a teenager in a typical teenage strop.......there are a number of questions but do not feel that you have to answer them ......they are just questions to consider that might have some bearing on your a.daughter's current emotional state.......and of course you will probably have already thought of them yourself.....and some of them depend on how much you know about your a.daughter's b.parents........and if there is something that you know that it would be cruel to tell her about......

Firstly, has your daughter always known she was adopted.......or has it come as a shock in some way, perhaps accidentally ........if so, then she would be fairly likely to feel that she had been lied to either by omission or by design...

Has she expressed a desire to know about, or find her birth parents, and if so, have you been supportive or avoided talking about it......perhaps it is more difficult for one or other of you, and therefore there is a conflict between her parents that she sees as being her fault........

Do you think that she has already found her b.mother/parents, and is perhaps pushing you away because she cannot cope with having two sets of parents.....it is quite difficult to relate to two probably very different backgrounds.......

Has she other siblings perhaps adopted, or perhaps you also have a birth child, and she thinks that there is a difference in the way she has been treated/brought up, and blames it on her adopted status.........this would be quite likely if you also have a birth child and she could feel less of your child because of it....she may see herself as not fairly treated.....

How old is your grandchild.......presumably old enough to express an opinion, and perhaps old enough to be able to transport itself, and not a small child who has no choice but to do what her mother says......does your daughter see her own child as a 'threat' in that she has become jealous of the attention paid to it........adoptees can be very insecure, and attention paid to a grandchild can bring back feelings of being rejected originally.....in this case rejected in favour of her own child.......

Have there been times when you have had to use 'tough love' as the expression used to be.......there can be few childhoods where at some time the clash of opinions have meant that what a child wants to do is not always the best thing for that child, and parents inevitably get the blame for 'ruining my life'.......

Was your a.daughter a 'people pleaser', in that she did everything 'right' as a child and teenager, and is only now catching up with a phase that she would normally have gone through years ago........and 'being a teenager'.......or perhaps is starting early to experience 'the change'......which is often preceded by quite a long period of emotional stress and upheaval sometimes years, so that it is not recognised as being hormonally related...

You have a grandchild, so presumably your a.daughter has, or has had, a partner at some time.......perhaps he is not around now, perhaps she blames you for a relationship failure.....perhaps you did not like him........perhaps you liked him too much and she was jealous......perhaps she has always been 'prickly' and felt that she was being ganged up on......

Another difficulty, and one that is not often touched upon, is that an a.daughter can become aware of the lack of blood relationship with her a.father, and feel uncomfortable with the ordinary expressions of love that a father gives to a daughter in the way of hugs and kisses.....

Chances are that none of these things apply, and I am barking up a whole forest of wrong trees ........but perhaps one or other of these suggestions may switch on a light in a previously dark corner......whichever is right, keep coming back here for help and support......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked - four years ago finally found full sister who had been adopted separately, I found out about her when I was 25 and searching for my b.mother........it took me 40 years to find my sister, but I would never have given up looking......
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby big sky » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:13 pm

Hi
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby Turtle » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:30 pm

big sky wrote:We appeared to be okay until she met her present partner within a few months of meeting she cut all contact.


You see that may be the problem, rather than the adoption, which might be used here as an excuse. Maybe the new partner is controlling and doesn't want her to be involved with you.

My suggestion is to just try and keep taking, even if she seems to reject you. If she refuses point blank to get into any sort of conversation, then maybe you could suggest sitting down with a family friend or other sort of mediator, even a profesional counsellor and talking this through. There may be issues that you are just completely unaware of, and it isn't necessarily about playing the blame game here. It is just about hearing each other's voices and not judging.

Adoption is no where near as straight forward as people think. I am sure that she has many "issues" as most adopted children/adults do. Have you ever read the book The Primal Wound? It is a real insight into adoption. The damage that is caused, even if you are brought up in a loving home, can be with you for life. Those scars just don't heal with the love of an adoptive family. They always remain, ready to open at any time.
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby big sky » Tue Mar 26, 2013 5:38 pm

To
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby Turtle » Tue Mar 26, 2013 6:05 pm

Could a family friend approach her?

The other option would be to write her a letter, expressing your wish to rebuild things. Then you can phase things carefully and it would give her time to process the information before reacting.

I think you just have to keep trying and explore every avenue. All the time you keep contact, it will make it easier for her if she wants to approach you in the future.

There is always the option of applying for legal access to your grandchildren, although I would see that as a last resort.

Don't apologise for expressing deep pain and loss that you are feeling. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through. There is pain and hurt on all sides in adoption, everyone on here understands that. It isn't a one sided thing.
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby big sky » Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:07 pm

T
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby Turtle » Tue Mar 26, 2013 7:39 pm

My view is, never change the way you are, because of other people. Always be yourself. So if you would naturally send cards, then carry on sending them. Don't allow other people to change that.

I don't think that cards show pressure, I think they show love. I think it would actually be worse if you stopped sending them, as then it would look as if you didn't care, which simply wouldn't be true. So I think you should carry on doing what you are doing.

It sounds as though you are in a very tough situation and no doubt, a very stressful one. Whilst you are waiting for a breakthrough, I would continue chatting on here. It is odd, but talking with other people who understand, can really make a difference. Firstly I think it allows you to let off a bit of steam and secondly, sometimes I think seeing your own thoughts in black and white helps. So hopefully this site can offer you a bit of support in this difficult time.
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Mar 27, 2013 12:03 pm

Turtle is quite right, about not changing routines with regard to cards and presents etc........all the time keep the 'door open' is the watchword I think........

You sound as if you have had a good relationship with your a.daughter up until recently........ do the lies that you referred to in your first post date from her memories of childhood, or from the more recent past but before she met her present partner, or after she met her present partner.........there appear to be three distinct phases, childhood, single motherhood(not sure if it was single but you say you practically brought your grandaughter up, so it sounds as if your a.daughter was not with a partner), then the current partner........there will be other phases of course, such as if she was away at university, or lived away before she had your grandchild ......... sometimes when one has a series of divisions in one's life, things can become compartmentalised......this does not just apply to adoptees of course, but I think that perhaps we are more likely to be affected because we have had the experience of 'shutting off' from very young, even though we do not remember it from that time.......the ability is sort of programmed into us........and that can make us difficult to live with and makes it look as if we don't care........

I know when I found my b.mother I kept her and any reference to my b.family completely separate from my a.mother.........now given the very different social lives that my two mothers had lived, it would have been totally cruel to expose my very timid rural working class birth mother to my very upper middle a.mother.......but also for myself I simply could not be one daughter or the other had they both been in the same room.........my b.mother would have been hurt and confused, and my a.mother would have been expecting me to be how she had brought me up.........the conflict of the two people that were 'me' was unresolvable, so I kept them firmly apart........and I had, at between the ages of 30 - 35 to find a different 'me' altogether really .........luckily for me, I had just met my second husband by then, and he is a person of great integrity and insight........

I am sorry that I have to go now, as our removal men have finished loading the vans and we are about to go a few miles to the next village......so I will not have the internet for about a week at the new house and can only access it for a short time each day as we come back to finish clearing this house and getting it ready for the new people who will hopefully be ready to buy it in a few weeks........the chain had broken but has now reformed so we have an overlap.......

LA.
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby big sky » Tue Apr 02, 2013 3:43 pm

Hello
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby Turtle » Wed Apr 03, 2013 8:41 am

big sky wrote:I find it difficult to understand why LA and Turtle that after many years you both seem to view youselves only as "adoptees" life to me can be difficult but there are joys and wonders and sometimes bad in relationships with people and the wider world which define us as humans not just one albeit traumatic event.


I had to walk away from this harsh post and think about it.

It is my view, that you could actually be a troll, as what genuine person would take to task adoptees talking about their adoption experience on an adoption site. Of course, this is the focus of our posts, what do you expect us to talk about - fish!

But troll or not, I felt I had to defend myself.

You have no knowledge of my life, apart from a few brief posts, and yet you choose to make this sweeping, disparaging remark. I do not view myself solely as an adoptee, that is only one aspect of my life, but since we are on an adoption site, that is the thing that I am going to be focusing on here. I find it truly offensive and patronising that you are looking down on me in this way. That I should absorbing the "joys and wonders" in the world. How do you know that I am not doing that? Who are you to tell me that I am not living my life in a particular way when you know barely anything about me?

As for living ones life based on "just one" albeit traumatic event, are you also going to take to task the birth mothers on here and tell them, that they should shake off this experience as if it never happened?

big sky wrote: I have just spent a number of days digging ewes and baby lambs out of snow so maybe the "hwyl" is lacking! Lot to learn from animals!!


Well lucky you, I have spent the last days, looking after my disabled mother, who I look after on a random, 24/7 basis. At anytime she can call me because she needs help and I have to drop what I am doing and go and look after her. So maybe I don't have a glowing view of life like you. Watching someone you love deteriorating, is mental exhausting and yet I still have a lot of laughter and fun in my life in those snatched moments that are my own.

big sky wrote: I am an adoptive mother but to be honest I view myself as "mum" and regard my daughter as my daughter even though we came together through "not birth".


As most a.mothers do..........as do most a.children. I view my a.family as my family. I assume by you making this statement, you are inferring that I do not. Again, who are you to judge me?

Most people who come on this site do so to listen to others and not pass judgement. That way we get a broader and more balanced view of the adoption process and hopefully offer a bit of support. We tend not to resort to finger pointing and personal slants. We respect and acknowledge the hurt and pain that effects so many people whether adoptee, a.parent or b.parent. Pain that is so deep that they may not be able to just block it out, but still go on to try and fulfil their lives. By coming on here, there is some outlet for that pain and a chance to hear how other's are learning how to cope. Remember that most of us, although we have been through this event, have had no support or counselling. Babies were taken from mothers and place in homes and years ago, there was no follow up, each mother and child had to get on with it and try to make some sense of it on their own.

It would be a great shame if people felt that couldn't come on here and speak freely about the topic that the forum is based on, just in case they would then be accused of obsessing about it, making it the main focus of their lives and not moving on.
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby skyebluepink » Wed Apr 03, 2013 12:26 pm

Yes Turtle I think you do have a point when you say that on here we of course do talk about adoption issues, and the reason most of us post on here is because for one reason or another we need the support from each other. I'm sure that there are countless people out there who are able to get on with their lives without giving adoption a second thought - as I did myself until fairly recently - but somehow we all ended up on this website together, each with our different experiences and perspectives. I think it's those different perspectives that make this a valuable resource - if we were all adoptees, or all birth mothers or all adoptive parents then we wouldn't get the insights into what it is like to experience life as other members of the adoption triad. No we don't all dwell on adoption all the time. Nor is it a source of unhappiness for everyone. We have lives to get on with and it's mostly just one part of who we are. But this is a place we CAN indulge (if that's the right word?) our adoption related worries and needs. At the moment I still feel quite messed up by it all, but two years ago it wasn't an issue to me at all. Hopefully in the near future it won't be an issue either, though I hope to keep posting on here as a way of supporting others.

Big Sky, I was going to recommend 'the Primal Wound' to you, but see that you have already read it. When I first read it, I was extrememly sceptical about it, but now I completely agree with it. There are many other books out there too - some "textbook" type theory books, some autobiography, some fiction. I have amassed quite a little library now. To think that the night before I met my bm I skim read about about adoption reunion which was the first book I had read on the topic!!! So perhaps reading some more of those might be helpful too?

One final thing... are you certain that the difficulties you are experiencing with your daughter are in fact adoption related? We can all have problems with our families for one reason or another. It's not necessarily a by-product of adoption. I do worry that sometimes adoptive parents might be expecting us to have issues with being adopted, and then when we have problems of an entirely unrelated nature, it gets pinned on the fact we are adopted. I know several friends of mine who aren't adopted but don't have a particularly close relationship with their mothers. A blood connection isn't a magic key to getting along. If the difficulties are adoption related, the best thing you can do is to read up, and prepare yourself intellectually and emotionally, getting support and advice from all of us on here. But also be prepared for the fact that it might be something else altogether and might have nothing to do with the fact your daughter is adopted.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby big sky » Wed Apr 03, 2013 1:47 pm

Dear Al
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby Turtle » Wed Apr 03, 2013 2:46 pm

No one is asking you to leave the site, big sky.

I am just saying that you need to think before making personal comments about people that you barely know.
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Re: Abandoned by adopted daughter

Postby Josie » Wed Apr 03, 2013 3:56 pm

Hello Big Sky... In case you are still reading here.
Losing or being rejected by our loved ones really is crap.
This is a great forum for those who wish to talk about how adoption affects their lives.

big sky wrote:
I am an adoptive mother but to be honest I view myself as "mum" and regard my daughter as my daughter even though we came together through "not birth".


You know, adult children sometimes choose estrangement from their parents...it is incredibly sad, but it does happen in all types of families - whether formed through birth or adoption.

So, your sad circumstances are not unique to adoption - but, here you are - you came to an adoption forum to talk about it.
And understandably so....

I mean this kindly, but perhaps counselling would help you to get a handle on your communication and relationship with your daughter.
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