Adding to existing familes

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Adding to existing familes

Postby Turtle » Sat Oct 13, 2012 8:03 am

I was hoping that some of you, as adoptive parents, could answer a question for me.

I was adopted back in the late sixties. All the adoptees that I know from around that time (and ok, I don't know that many so I could be wrong), seemed to go to families that already had natural children of their own. This has always been an odd thing to me. Why were children given more readily to existing families, rather than couples who were unable to have their own children? In my mind that seems like an odd set up and also wrong.
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Re: Adding to existing familes

Postby ladyarcher » Sat Oct 13, 2012 11:00 am

I think that what you are seeing is the way that adoption philosophies change and swing about over the years.........for a while there was the thought that people who already had children were better able to be parents as they had the experience already ....

.... of course every person and every couple differ in their knowledge and abilities, and so one shouldn't really generalise ......... but there are many adoptees who went to couples with no children, who have found that their particular needs related to adoption were not met...........I have to say that this was often in no way the fault of the adopting couple, but far more the fault of the Authorities in the lack of preparation that was given to the couple..........for a long time there was no thought given to the effect on the child................a couple was, in many cases, simply handed a beautiful perfect white baby and the life of the couple and the baby was then expected to be wonderful ......that was it.........., the couple were abandoned because the child had become 'theirs' and was no longer a cost or the responsibility of the Childrens' Department, ..............it was considered as much theirs as if they had given birth to it ......if later traumas surfaced, then the adopting parent had to go through exactly the same routes to find help that an 'ordinary' parent would........there was little or no thought that the problems were adoption based in the first place.........

.... coloured babies were frequently overlooked for adoption in the earlier days as it was obvious that they were not the child of the parents ............ I am not too sure of the exact reasons, but there did not seem to be a culture of adopting children within the coloured communities, whether Asian or African .......... perhaps, happily, a child was automatically taken by extended family which would mean it could keep its identity ........ but that would not appear to be the case with mixed race children ......... hopefully someone will correct me if this impression is wrong.........

Later of course, there was the gradual decline of 'white Christian babies' being available, as society gradually changed and girls were more likely to keep their babies........... then there was the sudden flood of the 'fashion' for adopting other race children..........Korean, Chinese, the finding and emptying of the awful Rumanian orphanages in Eastern Europe.........and, eventually, the African children with high profile 'adopters' like Madonna........which personally I find far more offensive than 'ordinary people'.............. however many wonderful 'things' the child of a celebrity can be given financially, they are not getting a proper, normal family life....................

I have not even touched on the adoption of disabled children as that has a whole different aspect, and people that do it are saints........

LA
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Re: Adding to existing familes

Postby Turtle » Sat Oct 13, 2012 12:25 pm

I did wonder if it was because they thought that these couples had more experience. It does seem odd though as the adoptees that I have spoken to have thought that the birth children within the family were treated better by one or both adoptive parents. My father treated us all the same, but my mother definitely prized my brother. That is why I don't understand why she wanted more children. Her son was here pride and joy. I think she only added me because she was told that she couldn't have any more children, and with some people, what you can't have, you want more. Plus she loved babies and toddlers. The trouble was, they grow up. It was a bit like someone who wants a puppy, but forgets that the puppy stage is short and most of the time you are dealing with an adult dog. My teenage stage with my mother was a nightmare. She wasn't someone that I could turn to as I felt so alienated by her.

As you say, people who adopt disabled children are saints. I often read or see programs about them and am horrified by the lack of support that they get.

And don't start me on celebrities. :lol: I think the world has gone mad considering the amount of air time these people get.
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