Do they ever return?

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Do they ever return?

Postby susie61 » Sun Sep 09, 2012 8:48 am

My adopted daughter left 2 weeks ago, it was the day before her 18th birthday. I thought we had a good relationship. although its had its up s and downs.
She has vowed never to return, i just wondered if anyone else has had experience of this. I find it hard to believe she can walk away and cut us out of her life after 10 years. I knew at some point on her life she would get angry, i never knew it would be aimed at us.

do they ever cme back. i have no idea what the future will bring
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Re: Do they ever return?

Postby ladyarcher » Sun Sep 09, 2012 12:39 pm

Hi Susie61, and welcome....... although you would probably wish you were not be needing to write to this site you will always find help and support here........

I suppose the answer to 'do they ever return' depends a lot on the reason your daughter left.......... how much of her angst and anger is to do with just being a teenager coming to the boil, and how much is it down to adoption, what she has been told or not told, what she has 'found out' which may or may not be accurate....... and if she has contact with her birth parent(s) refer to 'us' so it sounds as if your daughter had a 'two parent' family, although you don't say if the 'us' is your husband/your daughter's also don't say if your daughter has any siblings, either adopted as well and therefore not 'related' to her, or your own birth children........

It seems significant that you refer to her leaving you after 'ten years' ......... this sounds as if she was not adopted until she was eight years old, and possibly not even with you until that age, possibly fostered elsewhere ........ sorry if I am mis-understanding this ........ but ages, and where a child has been before adoption are often quite a good clue as to why and how a child thinks.........particularly a teenager who seldom has the maturity and experience to think things through and see all sides of a situation.......

One could, of course, pat you gently on the shoulder and say, 'there, there', teenagers always have hissy fits and pack their bags vowing never to return .....and of course they do 'do' this with boring regularity, until one day they realise that 'home' and all it stands for, is a good bit better than being out in the hard cold world.........however of course you are dealing with something that is a bit more than teenage angst......... interesting that she should go before her birthday ........ usually cupidity will keep a child fixed until the presents have been unwrapped........ it must be particularly hurtful to you for her to have chosen to go at that time, as you will have been probably preparing surprises, and/or treats........... are you able to know if she had made plans and thought ahead to do this, or was it a sudden and unexpected action........ that too, would give some clue as to if she would return or not.......a carefully made plan to leave would be a more final action than a sudden row blowing up ......... a plan would hint of a long term build up of resentments and probably misunderstandings ........ of course, being 18, the missing persons part of the police would not be inclined to help, unless she could be said to be a danger to herself or to others......... do you know where she has gone..... i.e. to a friend, or to a flat or flat share, has she a job etc........ can she support herself sensibly.........lots of questions which I am sure you have asked yourself, or which you know the answers to.........

If there is a possibility that your daughter has been on some of the social networking sites to do with adoption, she may have had her anger fuelled by the sort of posts that are on these networks....... you will not usually find that sort of post on here, we tend to be a calmer breed in expressing our sadness and/or discontent............ it is true that there are many adoptees who have been badly treated, or badly served by the adoption system....... there are also many women - and some men too - who have had their birth children taken from them unjustifiably....... there will always be people who voice these grievances stridently, rather in the same way as 'womens' lib' do....... and there are others who work away behind the scenes trying to help and to set things right....if your daughter has been reading the 'strident' voices........ then the smouldering embers of her anger and discontent will have been fed with petrol until she is unable to work things out for herself......... please note, anyone else reading this, I am not saying that these people are unjustified in their anger, just that the way it is sometimes expressed can influence less life experienced and less balanced younger people.......

Not sure that my thoughts will have been on any help, but keep coming back here for support........ you will always get it.....

born 1944 - adopted 1946 - found b.mother 1972 - sadly missed b.father who died young, but who had told his subsequent children that they had two English sisters so when I made contact with them in Canada they were not shocked ......... three years ago, after a forty year search, I finally found my full sister who had been adopted separately........
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Re: Do they ever return?

Postby Highland Lassie1 » Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:18 pm

Just wanted to send massive massive hugs (((((Susie61)))))

Being a teenager is incredibly difficult, being an adopted teenager is even more so. I hated hated hated my teenage years.....I felt so lost, unwanted and unloved. I don't know why your daughter has left and I don't know if she will all depends on the circumstances which has brought all this on?

HL x
Adopted at 8wks, now 41. Made contact with BM June 2010, met one sister on Saturday 28th Aug 2010, met BM on 20th October 2010, met other sister on December 2010. Now trying to establish contact with BF.
Highland Lassie1
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Re: Do they ever return?

Postby sylvie » Wed Sep 12, 2012 10:31 am

Dear Susie 61

I think I can be of no help in terms of advice or understanding.
I just wanted to say I hear your hurt and want to send you a very warm hug.

Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Do they ever return?

Postby Turtle » Fri Oct 12, 2012 6:03 pm

Don't give up hope.

I couldn't leave home fast enough at that age. My teenage years were a nightmare and drained me of any self worth, mainly due to bullying at school. I was also angry at my adoptive mother and the relationship that I had with her, although not to the point of saying that I would severe all ties. Teenage years are really where you can go a bit off the rails, because you just can't get your head around things. Nothing seems to make sense. It can be a very lonely time.

Fortunately it was just a phase and I did grow out of it and mellow. Now I have a completely different relationship with my mother.

I would just let her know that you are there for her, if you can.

I hope it all works out for you. It must be incredibly sad and stressful for you.
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Re: Do they ever return?

Postby julie2009 » Fri Nov 16, 2012 2:31 pm

[quote="susie61"]My adopted daughter left 2 weeks ago, it was the day before her 18th birthday. I thought we had a good relationship. although its had its up s and downs.
She has vowed never to return, i just wondered if anyone else has had experience of this. I find it hard to believe she can walk away and cut us out of her life after 10 years. I knew at some point on her life she would get angry, i never knew it would be aimed at us.

do they ever cme back. i have no idea what the future will bring[/quote]

Hi Susie61 my sister did the very same at the age of 16 she left home. She had unknownst to my parents packed a bag of clothes and headed off after school that same day. She had gone to stay with a friend and my mum and dad were able to find out where she was. After much deliberating and with the help of a relative my parents talked her in to coming back home.
Shortly after this we discovered she was pregnant to an abusive boyfriend. In the meantime a social worker had got involved and the subject of her trying to locate her birth mum came up. She never went ahead with a meeting and I don't think she ever mentioned it again. She is now 38 and a grandmother and her and my mum still have their differences.
I remember my mum always saying she needs to find us meaning she had issues about the person she was while I knew who I was and I could turn to my mum if I ever needed to.

Eighteen is a strange age - we are just leaving our teens and are regarded as adults. I hope she comes home but when she does give her a big hug and tell her how worried you were about her.

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Re: Do they ever return?

Postby infinite2678 » Tue Feb 26, 2013 10:07 pm

Hey Susie,

Like others have said on the forum don't give up! We are friends with a family that had an adopted son who took off when he was 18 vowing never to come back as well.
He returned a couple years later after he was a bit more mature and had more understanding in the world.

Teens already feel misunderstood by nature an adopted teen has double feelings of being misunderstood. If your relationship was good for the majority of the time, there is a high chance she will return.

Stay strong!
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