Forced adoption - media coverage

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Forced adoption - media coverage

Postby ladyarcher » Sun Jun 13, 2010 12:03 pm

Forced adoption has slid quietly into one of the big Sunday papers.......there tucked away on page 33 of the Sunday Telegraph is a small item, the print backed in pale blue, headed

..........'Forced adoption' is a hidden tragedy...................

Two cases quoted are those of Maureen Spalek who sent her twelve year old son a birthday card, having been allowed by a judges ruling to do so, and has been arrested and imprisoned over night for this alleged offence, she is now faced with yet a third court appearance.
Lianne Smith, who last month ran away to Spain to kill her children and attempt suicide herself for fear that Staffordshire CC social workers were going to seize the children for adoption.

These two cases are contrasted with that of the treatment of Tracey Connelly, the mother of baby P who is apparently being allowed by social workers to have contact with her surviving children at a secret location in London.....

at the end of the article the reporter states 'next weekend I shall report another example'

I hope he does, and larger and nearer the front of the paper...........

I would just add one observation of my own to this...........actually, to the child being adopted, all adoptions are 'forced adoptions' -------most of us are too young to have a voice..........

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - almost certainly, as far as I can judge from information from my birth family, a forced adoption as our father wanted to, and was able to give us a stable home.........not only that, but separated from my full sister adopted separately........now found.
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Postby alabasium » Sun Jun 13, 2010 6:08 pm

I'm not sure I agree with you there.

I have just sat on a foster panel where a 17 year old told us that he wished he had been adopted but was never listened to.

Also there are far too many children who are horrifically abused, neglected, live in chaos, have no idea how to respond to adults as the models they see around them are incredibly dysfunctional and frightening.

I write this as an adoptee and adopter and someone who works in the field. As I've posted before, I have seen first hand the traumatic legacies that some children have to live with. Being thrown against walls, listening every night to domestic violence in the next room, being uncertain of unpredictable parents who one day may be very friendly and the next very loud and dominant and scary, children who are covered in cigarette burns, children whose parents are so focused on their own needs, that their child's does not even come on their radar....

Yes, forced adoptions may exist, but I also believe that there are very many adoptions that are a solution where really it would be better if adoption didn't have to be the answer, but where no other SAFE SECURE option was possible...
alabasium
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:48 pm

Postby Josie » Tue Jun 15, 2010 8:32 pm

I'm not sure - but I think that Lady Archer's thinking is along the lines that all adoptions are forced adoptions from the child's perspective - because they don't truly get a choice. Adoptees are powerless.

If their parents are severely abusive - the child has no choice.
He can't reconfigure his world to suit his prefered choices - ie Mum and/or Dad getting their act together and living like other kids.
So adoption is a "forced option" IYKWIM - in that child's world.

Also, infants certainly don't get ANY choice on who adopts them - adoption is definitely forced on them; the adoptive parents are forced on them - for better or worse. The infant is powerless.
No choices, lack of power to choose.

Older children in care may be able to say that they don't want to go to a certain family who wants to adopt them; or they may indicate after a couple of introductions that they would like to go to a certain family - but because of their immature understanding of the world, their own needs etc, they are not truly able to make any kind of "choice". The very reality of their status of being available for adoption is still a "forced" condition.

I'm not sure if the above gets it right - but to me, this is the heart of the matter when an adoptee like LadyArcher states that all adoptions are forced.

Perhaps LadyArcher would like to correct me or help me out here - because I'm wanting to understand her perspective.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby alabasium » Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:19 pm

Hi - I do see the point, but I have also read books such as 'Adopted Children Speaking (a BAAF book) and children's views reports by Dr Roger Morgan (Children's Rights Director) etc where children have said that they were pleased to have been adopted. Don't forget that the current average age for adoption is 4.2 years - quite different from some of our adoptions when we were very little. Obviously some will have been tots, but many are older than 4.2 years. And I also agree that trying to decide for yourself as a child about where you want to be, must be an overwhelming crazy thing to have to consider.

As an adoptee, I do 'get' the point that it's 'forced' as we had no say, but in some cases, maybe if the child could (i.e. had the power to have a voice or been old enough) etc, they may well have wanted to be growing up and developing in a different (safer) family - that's certainly what's expressed from some of the young people in the above literature.

I also wonder if it's a slightly provocative posting on the 'Adopters' part of these boards, which you'll note are the least used as this isn't a particularly welcoming boards to adopters.

If it were intended to 'educate' adopters, I think most adopters (in the modern sense of adoption - i.e. children who have been removed due to neglect and abuse) understand quite well the child's push and pull between having to mesh what it means to come from two (if not more, including foster carer's) families and understanding issues of lack of control and then often controlling behaviours. Modern day adopters have to do quite a bit on understanding attachment and identity issues before they're even accepted on to their home studies.

After all, we (as adopters) are living with it and helping young people to process what has happened to them. We're the ones living and supporting 24/7 and often many adopters spend hours poring over articles and sharing in other on-line communities about the impact of attachment theory, grief and loss, identity issues - this isn't anything new to many adopters. We HAVE to know about it as it's what our daily bread and butter's all about (obviously not all, but very many HAVE to become 'experts' to help their children and to understand the first and most profound of losses.

Sometimes I wish more adopters would post on here as it offers balance and an alternate understanding.
alabasium
 
Posts: 65
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:48 pm

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Jun 15, 2010 9:54 pm

Yes Josie - that is a lot of how I see it...........I really do not think that even a four year old's thoughts on the matter are able to be taken as a 'choice' either.........they would just as likely choose someone who had been nice and promised them a rabbit or a puppy.

A seventeen year old, speaking with hindsight may well by his age be able to judge that he would have been better off adopted, but that would depend on the quality of the adopters.

Apparently when I was first shown to my future adoptive mother, I at aged 22 months, said ' thankyou, nice lady'...........I had probably been encouraged to say that to people who were pleasant to me, or perhaps gave me something.........also at 22 months, apparently, I had a very large vocabulary and spoke in proper sentences. Many years later I found out that this was because my birth grandfather used to take me out a lot, and talked to me all the time......... was 'nice lady' taken as my choice.........I hope not, as it was a bad one, I was not, at that age, aware of my potential a.mother's determination to have what nature did not give her, and no way was she going to be denied her wish......no-one ever said 'no' to her...........

It was not intended to be a provocative posting.........actually I was quite puzzled as to which page to put it on. I think too, that I am slightly biased in that my experience is of rather a while ago.......i.e. I am 66 and things were different in the 1940s.........I rather feel that possibly my a.parents, or at least my a.mother, would not have 'passed' the current tests, particularly as she refused to have my younger full sister too, who was a baby at the time..........so we were separated........and only found eachother last year......

Also of course, now, a baby out of wedlock is not looked on as anything out of the ordinary, people hardly blink.........in fact two of my grandsons do not have married parents, they don't even have the same father, and there was certainly absolutely no thought at all that they should be adopted. They are both the products of my daughter's two long term relationships, much loved by all the family, including the older one's b.father who is still very much 'in' the family, and has his son pretty much fifty per cent of the time. The older one is delighted with his new half-bro. and his new-ish step dad...........so no, I was not being provocative.....

Everyone knows that bad things happen to children, and we should all do our best to prevent such things..........even to the extreme of removing the children..........but many children are removed who shouldn't be, and the pain of them and their parents must be unbearable..........I have said before, I came close to losing my two boys from my first marriage when it failed..........the quick intervention of my family Dr. warning me not to continue in asking for help from Soc.Serv. saved me from that..........I was not even asking for respite help..........just trying to get my deserting husband to continue his responsibilities, both financial, and emotional in keeping up visits to our children............

LA
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Postby Josie » Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:02 pm

I'd be interested in LadyArcher's response.
I'm not sure if I would interpret that she posted on "adoptive families" section to be deliberately provocative in anyway - it's not like it says "adopters".
I don't think that saying that all adoption is enforced from an adoptees perspective puts adoption or adopters in a negative light, neccessarily.
Of course many homes and adoptive families are going to true safe havens for chidren who NEED a new home.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby Josie » Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:04 pm

Oh look - whilst I was typing away - so were you Lady A!
Sorry I submitted without realising you had responded in the meantime.
Good points.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:19 pm

No worries Josie - I'm always doing that too.......though in my case it's usually because I am far too long winded in my replies, and have often had to wander off and do supper or something whilst leaving my posting half done and coming back an hour or so later..........

Always good to get debate going though, as long as it does not become nasty.......a good exchange of views is healthy and makes one think harder about notions that one has that can be rather 'set'. I have to watch out for that.......... :lol:
LA
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Postby Josie » Tue Jun 15, 2010 10:40 pm

:)

Regarding enforced adoptions of today where it is NOT neccessary - frankly, I'd hate to be in a vunerable situation and suddenly find myself under the radar of social services and then having to jump through their hoops - especially if I was under the eye of a SW who is keen to place children into what they believe to be "better families".
If you read about the hoops that adopters have to go through; how they get monitored and managed; it makes you realise how tough it would get if you were an exhausted solo mother who went to get help - and suddenly, well, you are being analysed from head to toe, subjected to unexpected visits from SS (just as you were screaming at child and the house was in a mess) and so on.
Suddenly - you have to meet a criteria at any time of the day that perhaps many adopters or in fact MANY parents would fail.

What if SS turned up unexpectedly to find you weeping in the corner, children running wild? Such domestic scenarios happen in many households that are not under SS scrutiny - but if you are under the radar and are vunerable - you are good for picking. Kid falls over, breaks arm, gets sick often - I wonder how many cases are escalated to removal of child unncessarily?

Incredibly, many celebrity parents whose behaviour is beyond the pale - don't seem to get scrutinised in the same way - yet their poor parenting and drug/alcholic issues along with downright illegal behaviour is general knowledge...dont tell me the children don't get exposed to it or are not affected by their dysfunctional parents.
Yet do dysfunctional celeb parents get visits? Do they often get threatend with having their children removed?
Errr. I don't think so.
Josie
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Mon Oct 24, 2005 10:14 am

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Jun 16, 2010 7:53 am

Very good points Josie, especially about the 'Celebs' as many celebrities are also serial adopters..........as well as having birth children.
LA
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:09 am

In my opinion - and that is all it is - all adoptions are forced. The reason for my thinking is that they are a manufactured solution to a problem situation.

Adopted children do not make the choice, and on that basis the situation is forced also. Birth parents often have no choice in the matter either, so it is certainly likely to be forced from their perspective too.

In my opinion so-called celebrity adopters should be subject to more scrutiny in the adoption process, not less. There are more grounds to question their lifestyles and motivation than with other adopters I feel.

Adopters - Adoptive families - one and the same aren't they? Or am I being provocative? :D
Please join us on FACEBOOK, helping people affected by adoption & showing your support:
www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10718147812
or use the After Adoption message system to send a PM.
j-h-g-5
 
Posts: 2706
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:04 pm

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Jun 16, 2010 10:01 am

Four perfectly made points John........nice to see you back, you've not been around much for a while.
LA
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 2:29 pm

Thank you for your comment, Ladyarcher. Yes, it has been a while, for reasons that are connected with adoption.

I am debating whether or not to post on those reasons but as yet cannot decide. I have learnt the hard way more than once that revealing your experiences & feelings via any internet medium can be a double-edged sword.

It allows you to draw on the experiences of others, & to let off steam when needed, but if you aren't careful it can leave you wide open and vulnerable to some out there who seek to exploit any situation/individual that they come across.
Please join us on FACEBOOK, helping people affected by adoption & showing your support:
www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10718147812
or use the After Adoption message system to send a PM.
j-h-g-5
 
Posts: 2706
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:04 pm

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Jun 16, 2010 3:29 pm

John, sorry to hear that........perhaps you are meaning Facebook which I understand - though I do not really know how to work it, and thus do not go on it - seems to be less private than After Adoption.....

.....If AA is the problem (not Alcohol) they you could still post about whatever, but change your board name - probably there will be those of us who recognise your style, but others who have not been here so long will not.

AA seems to be a well regulated board for posting problems and getting hopefully helpful, or at least supportive, comments for people. I am sure that just to read that others have the same or similar problems, or have gone through them in the past is a comfort. Of course no two problems are identical, but many have bits with which one can identify.
LA
ladyarcher
 
Posts: 1623
Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2008 11:15 pm
Location: Gt.Britain

Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Jun 16, 2010 4:57 pm

I am not sure whether the problem is Adoption, Facebook, the wider internet, society as a whole or a combination of these.

I tend to believe adoption is a terrible experience from which someone always suffers - perhaps one party involved, perhaps more. Perhaps some contribute greatly to their sufferance in some cases (not meaning the adopted person!)

Facebook itself does of course reach a wider audience - so to speak - but there are groups on Facebook that are there solely for adoption related problems for example. One might not expect to find persons with no adoption connection using such groups....BUT THEY DO! Perhaps to get undeserved attention - that could be a reason - who knows.

I have come across people even on this site who claimed to be adopted and seeking reunion - even asked for help in finding lost relations - whom later turned up not to be adopted at all. You wouldn't believe people would stoop so low - but believe me, it happens.

Then we have some who exploit what is such an emotive subject for personal gain & sympathy - in the same way as stating (for example) you were suffering from some illness or dealing with some other form of loss - some think it acceptable to play on the sympathies generated to see what they can extract from any individual prepared to listen to their (often false) grievances.

I could go on, but it is probably a topic for a entirely new thread.......
Please join us on FACEBOOK, helping people affected by adoption & showing your support:
www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=10718147812
or use the After Adoption message system to send a PM.
j-h-g-5
 
Posts: 2706
Joined: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:04 pm

Next

Return to Adoptive Families

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron