Parents

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Parents

Postby queenv » Wed Apr 14, 2010 3:55 pm

I feel I have to post this as there are not many postings regarding adoptive parents. Some of you may have read my story, and know some of what I have done so far. I would like to share something of my adoptive mother with you .

I have always known that I have been adopted; family and friends have been supportive over the past year or so with my search. Through out, my mum, and dad have been there (as always) in the background, particularly my mum.

I have not been the easiest of people to know, over the years I have put my parents through hell……they stood by me. Through my childhood, no major issues really, they were there. My first pregnancy at 15, they stood bye me, they stood right by my side through the sorrow of my still birth, my mother held my hand.
Through my teenage years, I really tested their limits, and those of my brothers. My mother just gives me that knowing ‘look’ and all is well again.

My parents have been my rock, they are there at the end of the phone to baby-sit me and my daughter!!, they are there when my roof leaked, they are there as unpaid, maid, taxi driver, and what ever else I can ask they are there…….

When I decided to trace my birth mother, I saw such hurt in my mothers eyes, but she did not bat an eye lid, she just said, how can we help. Typical of her. It must have hurt, but, she just smiled, and offered what ever she could.

Last week, I had a conversation with my mum about my birth mother, and how pleased I was to make contact, and how happy maybe a little thought less waving photos, letters in front of their faces… but how cold towards me I felt my birth mother was, I really have not found what I was looking for. The years of a fairy tale ending, well, that is not going to happen. But right there sat with my mum (adopted), I looked into her face…lord it hit me…..she has always been there….my wonderful, beautiful mother. Esther….I LOVE YOU XXXXXXX
queenv
 
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Postby dual » Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:45 pm

Thats a really loving post queenv - you clearly love your mum - and why wouldnt you.

I just recently had the dreaded conversation with my adoptive mum about my search & recent reunion with my own natural mother - she has been really supportive about it - she has even agreed down the line to met her.

So I have the situation where my natural mother wants to meet my adoptive mum to say "thanks for taking care of her " and my adoptive mum wants to meet my natural mother to say "thanks for giving me the opportunity to have a daughter of my own"

I LOVE MY MUM TOO xxxxxxxxxx
Adopted at 6 weeks and have regular contact with both Birth Parents.
dual
 
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Postby queenv » Fri Apr 16, 2010 2:26 pm

Thank you

Your search may be a little bit further down the line from mine. At the present moment in time I could not envisage my adoptive mother asking to meet my birth mother. This would not happen as birth mother wishes no contact. Interestingly tho, my adoptive mother has made the suggestion of meeting my birth sister when she visits later on in the summer. I think maybe this is less threatening for her…….I don’t know, but im comfortable with the idea, it sits well with me.

You sound really brave (not sure that’s the right word to use ) to have both birth and adoptive mothers in the same room. I ve read it does happen, and that it is really positive for those involved, as there are then no more secrets, and every thing is in the open. Lord, what if your mothers get on!!! OMG….can you imagine. I don’t want to make light of the situation, but just think of both mothers jabbering away, and giving it all that lol !!!!! All I can say is have plenty of hankies at hand, as I think there will be tears (of joy ) x
queenv
 
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Location: england

Postby Trace40 » Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:27 am

I found my BM a couple of years ago now and right from the start she wanted to meet my AM to thank her for looking after me, loving me and bringing me up to be the person I am today. My AM was never happy with the situation and flatly refused to ever meet BM or speak to her at all.

I hoped that over time my AM would change her mind and the two of them would meet, if just the once. Sadly my AM died 4 months after I found my BM so a meeting never happened and now I dont speak to my BM either so I dont have either of them in my life anymore.

My AM was the best mother I could ever have wished for. She like the poster above was there for me no matter what I did or said. She was always there to offer support or just to lend an ear to listen to me. She would do whatever she could to help me , my husband or my 3 children at every opportunity and I miss her so much. Shes been gone for 18 months now but still seems like yesterday.

I am the person that I am today because of my Adoptive Mum and I will be forever grateful to her for everything she did for me.
Trace40
 
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Postby queenv » Mon Apr 19, 2010 8:35 am

Trace, my thoughts are with you and your family of the loss of your mother x

I can only speak for myself here, i suppose in my ideal little world, It would be a nice idea for my birth mother and adoptive mother & father all to meet at some point in the future, but thinking about this, who would it be ideal for? I get the idea of both my adoptive mother and adoptive parents meeting but reality is, it will not happen.

Apart from the fact my birth mother lives in Nigeria and has no wish for contact with me....Prior to tracing, I had this image in my mind of how she would hold me, and tell me that she always loved me and cared for my well being. This was my fantasy, and I had many fantasy's of my birth mother through out my life, looking back, I had rose tint glasses on. The reality is, she is a very ordinary woman, probably has the same problems most of us have, and has her own issues to deal with. Maybe in time when my reality and her reality somehow come to a point where we are able to meet.

So for the moment, I look to the positive.....I am going to London in July to meet my birth sister.....my parents and daughter are going with me so in one way, they are able to connect me to my birth family in a less emotional situation than had it been my birth mother. :)
queenv
 
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Location: england

Postby LJ » Mon Apr 19, 2010 10:23 am

Vanessa, this is a beautiful post and I agree with every word you, Dual and Trace have written about your Mums - I adore my Mum, Dad and brother and thank my lucky stars every day that I'm part of my family.
L
x
LJ
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Postby dual » Mon Apr 19, 2010 6:24 pm

Amen to that LJ!!!
Adopted at 6 weeks and have regular contact with both Birth Parents.
dual
 
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Postby alabasium » Thu Apr 22, 2010 3:38 pm

Hi - nice to hear positive messages! I am an adopted person and also an adoptive mum.

Things have changed a lot in adoption today though, in many cases. We met our little one's BM (BF didn't turn up) and we write to them and them to us once a year. We may even have direct contact in the future - that remains to be seen.

I too traced my BM and my AM was not happy at all - totally dismissive which hurt and felt like she was ignoring part of who I am. Even now, as an AM, I don't operate from that perspective (though I do appreciate that adoption has been very different in times past).

Contact is still quite a tricky area and takes very strong people on all sides to manage it.
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