Adoptive Parents driving me over the edge.....please help!

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Adoptive Parents driving me over the edge.....please help!

Postby rachel83 » Tue Oct 13, 2009 12:13 pm

This is an email i today wrote to someone for help, i have copied and pasted it to stop me re qriting and getting myself even more worked up. Hope someone can help,,,,,please.

Hello,


After i finished with you, (viewing birth records) i must admit i felt a bit annoyed still with my adopted parents. We are such different people and are views on absolutley everything differ that i just didn't agree with issues like changing the names etc. I calmed down as i didn't want to have yet another arguement and i had to pick up my youngest daughter from there house. When i got there they where obviously asking questions. I mentioned a few things that, weather they admit it or not had previously called my birth mum a lier for that where quite obviously now true but i literally just mentioned they where in there and that's it once again because i wasn't in the right frame of mind for a fight. But as usual my adopted mum flipped. Its not so much my adopted dad but her so to speak. Going on about how i purposely hurt them etc etc. They say they are not trying to ask me to choose but it is the same principle when i feel like i am being emotionally blackmailed. I just felt so annoyed because i did not choice the situation and i feel for them with how it must hurt but how does everyone think i am feeling being stuck in the middle all the time. I just cant cope with all this agro from apparently hurting them and all. I am sorry for there pain but i can't change things. I cant make it right or make there first daughter stay alive or make my birth mum not give me up in the first place. So i know there hurting but when they went for adoption in the first place they must have known and been told prior to me even coming on the scene. They can change my name but they can't change who i am or wipe out my blood and my past.
It is hard to explain but i stopped talking to them properly for a bit after, and its simly because i can't stand the agro from being told am hurting them and made to feel guilty and shouted at for in my opinion doing nothing wrong. There really is only so much patience i can stand and after so many years its just broken.

My adopted mum still looked after the children the hours she would and they came to my eldest birthday do and then party but i was quiet and withdrawn from them for the above reason. By yesterday i rang my adopted dad to ask him something about an old car of mine he sold and he blew his top at me. Saying how hurt my adopted mum was and wrecked physically and emotionally. And how they felt like they had had the death of there daughter and i may know how that feels one day!!!!! Also saying how since i have been speaking to my birth mum it is as if i have wiped them out completley. It is totally and completley nothing to do with wiping them out or choocing her over them. They cant continously keep blamin her! It is solely to do with them and how i feel they are treating me and making me feel. Regardless of weather my birth mum is in or out of my life i would still feel the same and am still at the end of my teather with it. My birth mum will never be mother teresa, she is a completly different person the them, different views and different lifestyle but they seem to hate her and pick at any points they dislike to have an excuss for this. When i was 15 after a bad night out etc and something alot of teenagers may have done, the next day as they shouted at me my adopted mum shouted 'your turning out just like you mother'. Word for word and words i will never forget. This to me is proof they seemed to dislike her when she had done nothing wrong. they didn't know her then, fully understand her reasons for giving me up and had no reason to think of her in that way. So now i feel they still have that dislike just 'excusses' to dislike her. This is heartbraking for my birth mum, in her words, 'she gave up the most precious thing in the word and they hate me for it'!

To try and round thingd up, regardless of how my birth mum may or may not treat me, i will always want or have her in my life, she will always be a part of me and so will my blood and my old name. I feel i have done nothing wrong, never choose the situation and can't help the position i am in yet it is me who is being punished year after year. I do feel that my adopted parents probably love me but also that the sheer fact me and my adopted mum are so so different and complete opposites we can argue and difffer on the colour of a jumper, that this does not help the situation. She does frequently have a short fuse and flys of the wall at me. I Don't feel i can have a civiliased discussion cos my adopted mum will flip without really trying to listen or understand. However i am not at breaking point, i can't stand it anymore, i can't have a break from them because i work for my adopted father and can't find new childcare or a new job. I feel like i am being 'got at' whichever way i turn and i simply can't take it all anymore. I wondered if you could see them, or talk to them and try and get my feelings across and how bad they are affecting me with it all. I know it is a big ask, i am over 18 and not exactly in the system anymore but i am now desperate.

Hope the ranting made sense.
Rachel

Born 11 05 1983
At Foster carers until 10.5 weeks of age then Adopted
Traced Birth mum March 2005
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Location: OLDHAM

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Oct 13, 2009 9:07 pm

Rachel - don't know if my comments will be much help, but really feel for you.

When I did my tracing - quite a long time ago now - I always felt that my birth parents, and who I was to them, were absolutely nothing to do with my adopted parents, and who I was to them..... I can't say I had a bad childhood, I didn't. It was a good secure middle class upbringing, but as an only child. When I started tracing I found out that I had a full sister, from whom I had been separated and who had gone to a different couple. (After 40 years searching I have found her this year)

But to return to the two sets of parents - it was actually only the two mothers. I did not trace my birth father in time, he died before I found the family. For my adoptive father, he was a good man, who said little, and thought much, probably, but my a.mother was good at keeping us separate, and keeping me to herself. He died within a year or two of me tracing my b.mother, so was not really involved although he knew I had done it.

I very early on worked out that I could not mix the two mothers. I was one daughter to my a.mother, and a totally different daughter to my b.mother. I did not want to have them together as I did not know which daughter I could be in that situation. So I never let them meet, although my a.mother would have loved to know everything............not my b.mother, she was very timid..........I also did not talk about my birth mother to my a.mother, although she always tried to find out about when and how I was meeting her. I just changed the subject. My children knew their 'other' gran, but also knew instinctively not to talk about her.

I was able to keep the situation from escalating into any form of confrontation.........I too was reliant on my a.mother for a while, for childcare during and after my divorce, and before I met my second husband, so I can see a lot of your difficulties.

I wonder if part of your problems with your a.mother could be her age........not sure from your postings here and on other parts of the site, but is she in the menopause. Her mood swings do seem extreme, and it could also be a time that she might be thinking of the child she lost perhaps more than at other times in her life. Sorry if I have got that bit wrong...........but it seems pretty clear that she did not get the help that she would have needed at the time, and perhaps the adoption screening was not as stringent as it should have been.

..........Not at all an easy thing to do, but you can only go from where you are, not where you might have been several years ago - so you will find it difficult now to effectively shut off the two parts of your 'mother' lives from eachother. But you must say perfectly firmly and un emotionally to each of them that you will no longer allow them to fight over you, which is what they are both doing in different ways. Refuse to talk about the one to the other, on either side. Tell each of them that you love them, and that finding one mother does not mean that you have to give up the other, but that if they go on as they are, then they will both lose you, because you must also think of your own wellbeing and that of your children, and presumably husband if you are not alone. Having said that, you must then be totally firm about it. If your a.mother starts on, simply walk out of the room............if your b.mother is not sober, say 'bye, see you later when you are better'.

Above all, stop feeling guilty.............your a.mother's attitude is about herself, not about you, although it may seem like it. Also, don't get too hung up about names.............(although I really hope that your a.parents did not change your name to the name of the child they lost).............both my Christian names were changed on adoption, and I was over two, and knew my name..........I love my old surname, and often use it, and I use my birth Christian name on adoption sites. This is my choice, I can choose to be whichever name I wish, when I wish it.........at the end of the day, we are who we wish to be.........you wish to be calm and not torn in two.........so be calm..........their problems are for them to deal with.......not you.........

((((hugs)))))

LA
birth name Eileen - born 1944, adopted 1946
Found b.mother 1972, and other relatives over the years
Sadly missed birth father, but found full sister this year after 40 years searching, ever since I found out about her when I was 25.
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Thanks

Postby rachel83 » Wed Oct 14, 2009 9:47 am

Hi,

Thanks so much for your reply. I do instinctively try and keep it separate, but then that causes problems cos my a.mother flips cos i don't discuss things with her and am not involving her, but i simply instinctively try and shut them of in different directions so to speak.
The only reason they once met, which you probably read in my other post, was because i went to stay over at my b.mother's one night because i needed a break and was with a very bad partner at the time. That partner lied and said i had said i would come home, to which my a.mother and a.father turned up on the doorstep and where waiting once we got back from a night out. Obviously it then kicked of, my b.mother offered them in for a brew and tried to calmly explain i had said i would stay all along, that my partner had lied about that, and what he was doing to me. To which my a.mother said she was more concerned about the partner at that point and her son who was in the car outside. Well that was like a red flag to a bull to my b.mother, in her eyes she gave me up for a better life apart from other reasons, and what mother would be more concerned about the man doing that stuff then about the daughter. She obviously flipped then and told them thanks for babysitting and bye. So they now use the words to try blame her and hate her more when in reality, it was what my a.mother said in the first place that would get anyone's blood boiling.
So things have never been the same since, i never choose that meeting and it was awful. In the end armed police kicked a.parents out.

The email i put in the first post was for the social worker who went through the files with me and said she would help where she could. I haven't heard back from her yet but rang a.parents last night to explain my plans- to see if the social worker could act as a mediator so to speak to voice my opinions. I just don't feel i can talk to them openly about it without them or rather my a.mother flipping out. Well she then flipped out saying she didn't need no social worker to talk to 'HER' daughter and it turned into a full scale row over the phone for nearly an hour. Which left me even more annoyed, angry and with my point proven- that is why i had tried to get my social worker involved in the first place. We just don't seem to be getting anywhere.

I really appreciate your reply, i don't know anyone else adopted, and to top the whole thing of things arn't going great with my partner as it is but all he see's is a.parents and how he sides with them and i'm the little sod in it all so to speak.
I just don't feel it is my fault but can't stand the guilt. Your right with what you say and i cant see my a.parents taking to it all accepting i wont discuss it and its spearate. All i can do is try but i really can't stand the whole thing anymore.

Thanks again

Rachel ( P.S i know what you mean about the names, i was a baby and my name wasn't changed to that of the daughter they lost, but i feel they thought they could change me along with the name. It was advised they at least kept one, but they didn't. I just feel they thought they could change my name and replace the daughter they lost with me, turn me out like she may have been, but i never was the way they wanted. I am actually very alike my b.mother. And apart from anything else i hate my adopted name anyway most people would my age and do like my birth name, always have. Rachel was my birth name btw)
Rachel

Born 11 05 1983
At Foster carers until 10.5 weeks of age then Adopted
Traced Birth mum March 2005
rachel83
 
Posts: 15
Joined: Tue Sep 29, 2009 1:08 pm
Location: OLDHAM

Re: Adoptive Parents driving me over the edge.....please hel

Postby susie61 » Mon Sep 10, 2012 4:56 pm

I am an adoptive mum. Our daughter left 2weeks ago and vowed never to return . I found it intresting reading yr post. you maybe have some things to say from her perspective.
I am not perfect, and adoption is always going to be a difficult situation, but i will keep an open mind and listen to the other side of the story always
thankyou and please let me know in PM how you are and the situation.
xxx
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Posts: 2
Joined: Sun Sep 02, 2012 4:39 pm

Re: Adoptive Parents driving me over the edge.....please hel

Postby ladyarcher » Sat Oct 27, 2012 3:48 pm

Diabloiitems.....

.... you are really upsetting everyone with your posts about boots.........people come on this site because they are sad and upset about things in their lives that were not their fault, and they are seeking help and support............ your posts will simply make people who need help, not stay, and not get the help they want....

....please think about other people and their troubles, not your own selfishness in continuing with these posts..........do you get money for it, that might perhaps explain it, but most people seem to think that you just do it for pure spite and mischief which makes you a not nice person at all............if you do get money you must at least have the intelligence to realise that people who read and post on this site are not in the least likely to purchase anything because of these adverts............everyone knows what these boots are anyway, and if they want them they can go to almost any shoe shop and get some......your ads. are not going to make someone want them..........so please, be a kind person and take yourself off our site..........

LA
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Re: Adoptive Parents driving me over the edge.....please hel

Postby skyebluepink » Sat Oct 27, 2012 6:56 pm

Well said LA. if anything, these posts make me less likely to want to buy a pair of ugg boots! Please, please admin will you ban diabloiitems and others like them.
Come and read my random musings at www.skyebluepink.com
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