AC or BC first? Any advice gratefully received..

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AC or BC first? Any advice gratefully received..

Postby popsox » Tue Oct 28, 2008 4:55 pm

Hi this is the first time I've posted here. Me and hubby are considering adopting and have mixed views from other forums, social workers etc as to whether it is better to adopt or have a birth child first. Any advice from those who have done it in either order wound be really helpful. Thanks :)
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Tue Oct 28, 2008 5:18 pm

As I posted on the other thread on which you wrote, perhaps this might not be the ideal forum for such a question, as yours is a pre-adoption matter rather than an After Adoption one, in one sense.

As stated, AdoptionUK tends to deal with all things from an adopter angle, so your question might get more response on that forum. Hope this helps.
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Postby popsox » Tue Oct 28, 2008 6:01 pm

dear j-h-g-5
sorry i did not mean to offend anyone by posting here. i have already posted on AUK but really wanted to hear from people who have had the experience of having new siblings come along and how it effected them.
Popsox
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Tue Oct 28, 2008 7:23 pm

I am sure you meant no offence, but as I said, I doubt whether this forum is the best place for the question. Most people that post here are either birth parents, or adoptees seeking reunion, rather than adopters.

I can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of adopters who regularly post here, and while that is a shame in many respects, you have to bear in mind that although there is a sensible side to your question, many will question the motivation of the planning to have both adopted & birth children slightly before having any. It doesn't sit easy with many people.

To answer your question, I would suggest that an adoptee will always feel singled out somewhat when part of a family with a birth child, and the birth child may even view the adoptee as somehow second-rate.

When I mentioned AdoptionUK, it was simply because the site is for adopters who will no doubt have been through this scenario, although I would imagine most didn't plan to this extent from the outset.
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Postby popsox » Tue Oct 28, 2008 7:51 pm

I think you are right, I can find many adopters on AUK who have been thru these scenarios. This is however what worries me somewhat, they all think it "normal" to have both BCc and ACs so it is very important to have the view of adoptees as from this forum it is clear that one should not consider having a BC at all if adopting. Learning this from you and ladyarcher has been invaluable and may prevent trauma to an as yet unformed family for which I am grateful and glad to have visited this forum. I wish there was more frank discussion all round but can appreciate why this can be difficult.
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Postby Diane » Tue Oct 28, 2008 8:27 pm

Me personally being an adoptee, I am grateful for not sharing my parents with any birth children, That may come across as selfish and maybe it is, but it is how I feel and giving my honest. I hope that another adoptee can come forward that has been adopted along with birth children to help give a more balanced view point.
Born July 1963 and Reunited January 1995.
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Tue Oct 28, 2008 8:53 pm

I think that kind of sums it all up. At the end of the day, any parenting has to put the child first, be it a birth child or adopted child.

There is a tendency in some schools of thought to expect the child to fit into the family, but I am afraid it has to be the other way about. Anybody who has their own birth children, and then adopts, without considering the full impact on all the children needs their heads examining, and that includes several posters on AdoptionUK, whom I have read in disbelief.

Some people on that forum truly seem to think that they are doing the world a favour by adopting a child, and that the child should be eternally grateful for having been adopted. You only have to read the multitude of threads concerning every tiny aspect of behaviour that a child exhibits. Most people would consider these things to be part of growing up - but some people on that forum seem to have no idea whatsoever about parenting AT ALL.

Please either have your own children, if you are able, or make the decision to adopt. One or the other. From a child's point of view, all must be treated - and be seen to be - equal. It is vital.
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Postby ~Sooze~ » Wed Oct 29, 2008 5:54 pm

Hi Popsox.....interesting post.

I'm an adoptee, adopted as a baby (many years ago lol). My a/parents had 2 natural children, older than myself. I have never had a problem with my situation, have never felt any less a part of the family and have always been treated as an equal to my 2 sisters. Maybe I'm just one of the lucky ones....but I wouldn't change a thing.

But, it depends on the a/parents ability to bring an adopted child into their family and treat the child with equally as much love and respect as their own biological children. Whether you have your own biological child first or last....makes little difference in my opinion. The thing with adoption is the adopted child needs to feel they are loved, cared for and that they belong and are an equal to their siblings.....just like ANY child would hope for from their parents. IF you can achieve that, then go for it.

I'm personally glad to see posts such as your own on this forum (sorry John....agree to disagree time!!) as I feel very few adoptive parents, or prospective adopters, post on here. I think it's good you came on here and hoped for some insight into the situation before making a decision.
It's a massive decision to make.....as it last a lifetime.

Good luck and I hope you make the right decision for yourself and your family :)
Born 1965 Adopted 1966
Traced Birth mother and 8 siblings 1987
Reunited with another adopted sibling 2008
Met with 3 siblings on birth Fathers side January 2009

At present, in contact with 9 out of my 12 siblings :-) Not doing too bad!!
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:32 pm

Yes, is good to get the opinions of more people, and so few adopters post. I imagine that the main reason for that is that this place is birth parent & adoptee dominated, and that other forums such as AUK cater better for their needs.

Likewise, it seems that AUK operates an adopter only policy (not officially, but many members are so anti-birth parent etc - through their own experiences, that they tend to judge every birth parent in the same poor light), so consequently few adoptees and hardly any birth parents post there.

There seems to be a general them vs. us scenario operating both here and certainly at AUK. If birth parents and adopters were more willing to listen to each other - collectively - rather than to tarnish everybody with the same brush, then more progress might be made in the long term.

It is good that someone has posted their dilemma in both places, in order to get as many differing opinions as possible, but I personally feel that this particular dilemma is fundamentally flawed.
Last edited by j-h-g-5 on Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Diane » Wed Oct 29, 2008 6:36 pm

I think this is what popsox really needs is a few replies from adoptees that have the experience of sibblings that are birth children to their adopted parents. Because I don't know any other, then thats why my views are like they are. I just couldn't have imagined being the only adoptive child within the family. Its nice to read though that it can and does work out.
Born July 1963 and Reunited January 1995.
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Postby ~Sooze~ » Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:06 pm

j-h-g-5 wrote:Yes, is good to get the opinions of more people, and so few adopters post. I imagine that the main reason for that is that this place is birth parent & adoptee dominated, and that other forums such as AUK cater better for their needs.

Likewise, it seems that AUK operates an adopter only policy (not officially, but many members are so anti-birth parent etc - through their own experiences, that they tend to judge every birth parent in the same poor light), so consequently few adoptees and hardly any birth parents post there.

There seems to be a general them vs. us scenario operating both here and certainly at AUK. If birth parents and adopters were more willing to listen to each other - collectively - rather than to tarnish everybody with the same brush, then more progress might be made in the long term.

It is good that someone has posted their dilemma in both places, in order to get as many differing opinions as possible, but I personally feel that this particular dilemma is fundamentally flawed.


John, I know what you're saying about AA vs AUK...and you are right. But maybe that should change!?! I think personally, more adoptive parents and prospective adopters should come here. Who better to talk to than those directly affected by adoption and also to get advice from thos who have already adopted. And likewise, adoptees and birth parents should be made to feel welcome on AUK....I dont post there myself as I feel like an outsider! lol

I think popsox dilemma is maybe a little "unusual" ;) But then, she's quesioning her own thoughts before she commits.....which has to be a good thing, right?!
Born 1965 Adopted 1966
Traced Birth mother and 8 siblings 1987
Reunited with another adopted sibling 2008
Met with 3 siblings on birth Fathers side January 2009

At present, in contact with 9 out of my 12 siblings :-) Not doing too bad!!
~Sooze~
 
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Oct 29, 2008 7:17 pm

I think the best thing would be to speak to her husband, who seems to hold the key in many regards.

It is he that feels he may want his own birth child, so that issue needs to be resolved either way, first & foremost.

Popsox suggests adopting young boys... that is going to be a full time handful for anybody, and 100% commitment is an absolute must. I am not sure you can re-visit the birth child question many years later, after or whilst bringing up these boys whom are likely to require undivided attention. This could well be the reason why many have birth children, then subsequently adopt, rather than the other way about - but then there is still the issue of making sure that the adopted child doesn't feel any less significant than the birth child. Hence my opinion that to have both isn't really the sort of thing you can plan with any degree of certainty.
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Postby ~Sooze~ » Thu Oct 30, 2008 9:56 am

Yes I agree, if Mr Popsox wants a birth child, then that has to be high priority.

It of course would be a massive decision to make - having adopted children and birth children - because you do have to be certain the adopted child will always feel part of the family. This can be difficult for the birth child to accept also, as they are children and don't understand in the way adult's do. Not an easy job, I know. But, it can happen.

I've never felt any less a family member within my adoptive family. But, as a kid, I always had the same adoption issues other adoptees had......often thought about birth family, where I came from, what they looked like etc etc. My sisters barely talked about my adoption when we were kids, as I recall, unless I mentioned it. They just treated me as they treated each other!! So any sibling rivalry and bickerings that were going on, I was always a part of it just as much as they were!!! I wasn't handled with kid gloves, no special treatment....because then I WOULD have felt different!
So as an adoptee, you can have a very "normal" childhood and be treated no different to any other child, but the fact you are adopted is ALWAYS there.....even if those around you barely talk about it.
Born 1965 Adopted 1966
Traced Birth mother and 8 siblings 1987
Reunited with another adopted sibling 2008
Met with 3 siblings on birth Fathers side January 2009

At present, in contact with 9 out of my 12 siblings :-) Not doing too bad!!
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Postby mnenka » Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:22 pm

Hi
Any social services / adoption agency which you were intending to use would also question why you are adopting, when there is a possibility of having a child. They would probably explore the reason, and in the past, some agencies a contract is signed which states you are adopting on the understainding you would not ''give birth'' to a child within a certain time period. This use to happen in some Catholic adoption agencies....not sure if its still a practice.

(i have this image of the nuns spying thru windows, and peeping in bedrooms to make sure the adopters are not making babies :oops: )

M'nenka
Born 1966, Found hours later. Adopted 1972. Placed veto 2005 (for no contact)
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Thu Oct 30, 2008 12:46 pm

As crazy as what Mnenka describes sounds, you can at least see the logic behind it. Obviously they viewed children - quite rightfully - as a blessing, and believed that those who hadn't had their own biological child should take priority at least, hence the need for this contract type arrangement.

It does make you wonder what would happen if you broke the contractual arrangement however, and what sanctions could be brought to bear. I guess they could only refuse to cater for you through the adoption agency again, or perhaps there was the disapproval of the church to fear?

Somehow the idea of the nun peeping through the window is infinitely preferable to that of the priest doing the same thing!
:wink:
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