Why do so few adoptive parents post?

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Postby ladyarcher » Sun Sep 07, 2008 11:10 pm

You are probably right :roll: about computers a few years ago, but do you know, I think that the youngsters now use their 'phones far more than they use computers......obviously these mobiles are like mini-'puters, and I have to say I have made no effort to learn to use one, nor do I have one......they are too small and fiddley..........
.........no, I am sure that the 50% was just a weird blip because of the area we were in........the area itself you could have called impoverished, in that there was little or no employment there, but because of its beauty the balance of incomers to those who had about 20 generations of their family in the local churchyard, was again, about 50/50........most of the incomers were well educated and well off retirees, as were we, except that we were not well off to quite the same extent as most of the others........so all these elderly men, and some women were busy conquering a new medium, in much the same way as they had applied themselves to their working lives........

and yes, you are right about the general lack of transparency about adoption in that age group.....

...an interesting thought has just struck me, I had my a.mother come to live with me up there, .... I had been there for over a year and was well in to all the social life......... I am just wondering if the way she went on about my adoption was the reason that some of those other incomers, ..........who thought they were rather a long way up the social scale, ...........began to leave me out of things that I had previously been right in the middle of........probably just the usual adoptee's paranoia about never quite belonging...............but I'm not so sure.........
....Off to bed now.........will mull over that thought for a while....

LA
born 1944
adopted 1946
reunited 1972
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Sep 08, 2008 9:38 am

Okay, I am not one of those youngsters (except possibly relatively :wink: ) but I am trying to point out that it is so much easier for young people today to grasp the technology on offer, rather than those who had an upbringing without it.

I still have vivid recollections of my grandmother trying to grasp the concept of the tv remote control, and I ended up having to draw a huge diagram to explain every button. Of course, that failed too, as she would end up pointing the thing upside down, or spilling her tea all over it. In the end it disappeared down the side of her seat, never to be seen again (and no way was I going to investigate down there!)

You can certainly do a similar amount of networking & emailing etc from a mobile phone as a computer, but it is, as you say, fiddly in comparison. My son was doing that until he acquired a laptop, and since then he hasn't gone back to the phone.

I could make a long list of people here who have been frustrated in their reunion attempts by people in their fifties and above. Of course it doesn't mean that everybody in that age bracket thinks the same, but you have to realise that adoption was meant to be final, and nobody then knew that reunion opportunities would become far more accessible than they were.

My own mother still treats me like some kind of retard when I mention my son for a start. She cannot see how adoption has changed, and furthermore does not even understand WHY I would want to be 'BURDENED' with him, but that is another story for another thread.

Regarding the situation that you personally describe....If I had to hazard a guess I would say that people can generally back-off a bit in situations which they do not fully understand, or haven't been through themselves. Perhaps if your adopted mother hadn't made such an issue of the adoption, then things would have been relatively easy. Labelling people never has much benefit, and at a younger age, you generally want to feel average and not stand out in any way from your peer group.

Perhaps, in those days it was a case of stigmatising a young person. Today it would have had comparatively little effect.
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Postby ladyarcher » Mon Sep 08, 2008 11:17 am

Don't know how to use the quote thingie, John - shades of your grandmother and the remote.........can relate totally to that with my late mother and the remote too......and the fact that we discovered the reason dear late ma-in-law could not hear with her new expensive hearing aid, was because she had it upside down in the wrong ear..........- right that's enough ageist bashing.......... :shock:

Back to the quotes bit ,........... about the adoption stigma these days having little effect........the time I was talking about was only eight years ago, that was when I felt I was being sidelined from what had been a very full and interesting social life...........and it coincided with my a.mother coming to live with us, and me taking her to all the things, or most of them, that I was going to............and her talking about me being adopted all the time.....

......we were all in our late 50s/early 60s, and several of us with elderly mothers that we took around with us........the events were general events to do with the church and village occasions, so not a case of taking her where it was not appropriate.....so it was not stigmatising me as a young person.........been there fortyplus years ago............it was a definate cooling of what had previously, for around two years, been a very positive inclusion........and the more I think about it, the more convinced I am...........not everyone, but a specific few.....and they were in the same age group as myself........so..........who cares..........do you need people who think like that.......the answer obviously is 'no'..........but one is not totally thick skinned, and it does smart a bit.................

--With regard to your comment about your own mother, I am amazed, and actually,........ not to put too fine a point on it.........pretty disgusted with that as an attitude.........personally I would have been climbing over barbed wire to get to my grandson, even if my son had been young and stupid for having got himself into that situation.........and to not fully support you in your enormous efforts to find and build a bridge to him now.........well, its a good thing we don't know eachother.....

........sorry, but thats how I feel.........only judging from what you posted of course.......maybe she did make great efforts to stop the adoption and support you at the time, and this is the only way she can deal with knowing that her grandson 'belongs' to someone else.........so apologies if I have been too hasty............

LA

PS Why has the words bit of the postings gone all wide now so it does not fit in the box - previously it was very narrow with a nice space at each side, bad if it had been on paper as it would have been wasteful, but fine on a screen.............or is it just my horse and cart of a computer.......?
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Sep 08, 2008 12:10 pm

To quote, just copy the text you wish to quote, then press quote as you write your response, paste the text, then press quote again!

What you are saying is exactly my point about generations. One young person these days telling others that they are adopted would make little or no difference to their relationship with friends, whilst amongst older generations it is still a big deal, and perhaps - shockingly - still a social stigma.

........sorry, but thats how I feel.........only judging from what you posted of course.......maybe she did make great efforts to stop the adoption and support you at the time, and this is the only way she can deal with knowing that her grandson 'belongs' to someone else.........so apologies if I have been too hasty............


she made no effort to stop the adoption. she couldn't after all, as she - like myself - had no knowledge it was taking place. Furthermore, had we known, I would have objected strongly, with no support from her at all. She considers his adoption to have been the best thing at the time, even with the benefit of hindsight. Perhaps I use her as the older-generation birth parent stereotype I refer to- subconsciously at least?

I am, on this issue grateful for his 'cannot be bothered' attitude. At least I do not have to explain to him why a large proportion of my relations are not interested. Maybe it is genetic apathy at work here? :? No wonder they look upon me as an outcast, and no wonder I feel like one too!! :(
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Postby ladyarcher » Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:32 pm

Ahh........John ((hugs))......you can join us outcast adoptees as an honorary member.......

.....on the subject of outcasts.........I wish those who treat us adoptees that way would remember that it is the relationship of the birth parents that is 'illegitimate' i.e., not sanctioned by the law in the form of marriage...........not the child that is illegal.....

......a person cannot be illegal, as there is no law about 'being..........' at least that is the way I have always looked at it..........so we adoptees should not have to apologise for 'being'.............

having said that, I have absolutely no resentment towards my birth parents for their illegal relationship...........


LA
born 1944
adopted 1946
still searching for full sister Jennifer Ann
born 22nd September 1945 and adopted separately...........
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Sep 08, 2008 1:45 pm

If it helps you to look at it that way, then fine!

BUT these days, no relationship between consenting adults is illegitimate, so it is hard to apply that thinking to modern day scenarios. Not forgetting too, that not all adoptions stem from 'illegitimate' relationships!

I think the reaction of some is more a case of not knowing what to say, rather than deliberately treating someone like an outcast. Almost like adoption is some form of incurable disease perhaps. :shock: After all, nobody can actually say: 'Oh dear, never mind, you'll feel better soon!'

Thankfully though, I doubt younger people actually care whether their associates are adopted or not. Part of the social stigma consigned to the bin at least, which has to be good.
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Postby lilit » Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:06 am

I don't think I count as "younger" any more :(

I still feel a bit ashamed of being adopted and I'm not sure that there is less of a stigma these days, what with the rise of fertility treatments many people still see adopted children as the booby prize (however we all know different don't we :D )

Lady A, I'm afraid age is no excuse for not being up with technology, my mum and all her mates in their 60s were instant messaging and texting before I even knew what it was!
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 10:28 am

Don't be so glum Lilit!

To Ladyarcher, methinks we are all youngsters :wink: :lol:


On a slightly more serious note.... this thread was asking the question 'why do so few adoptive parents post' - but then, there are huge sections of the adoption world that do not post on this forum at all.

A whole section on Transracial adoption that is hardly used at all. The young person section isn't frequented often either.

I wonder why. Perhaps it is a good thing - maybe there is more help and support for younger people available generally - or perhaps adopters are becoming more open about birth relations, thus negating the need to seek help elsewhere? Let's hope so, anyway.

However, perhaps the message that there is help and support available isn't getting through to those that may well be in need of it? That was my feeling months ago, hence the facebook, bebo & myspace links - yet that doesn't get a lot of outside involvement either.

It does worry me. Is there too much help & support, or not enough? Is it being directed in the wrong places perhaps?
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Postby lilit » Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:29 pm

If you're a youngster then I must be still :D I hope you've forgiven me for guessing your age as rather older than you are!


Good question about help and support. I would guess that there are places more geared towards youngsters and transracial issues than here so specific things to do with that would go there. Does that make any sense?

I certainly don't think there's too much help and support for people affected by adoption. I'm reminded of what Lizzy said about birth siblings and there being no help for them, nor am I aware of anywhere for adoptive parents other than forums for new-ish adopters.

Other than AA and a few other organisations turned up by a Google search there's not much! I haven't been able to find any counsellors who specialise in adoption either. We will have to clone Diane when she's finished training :)
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 12:42 pm

Don't worry about it Lilit. It is a common mistake that people make. They assume I am older when they see the genius of my written words! :lol: :lol:

Not too keen on the thought of cloning Diane either! Surely one of those is ample, in more ways than one! :lol:



I think it is more a case of spreading the word that help and support is available, and I was probably right to set up the links when I did (with the help of Matt and Edd too, at the time)

It has to be a good thing that After Adoption have set up their own Facebook grouping too, and I would urge them to do the same on the other networking sites aswell. I joined them as a 'fan' yesterday when I saw it, and hope others will follow!
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Postby mnenka » Tue Sep 09, 2008 1:08 pm

I,ve though of another reason possibly why adoptive families may not post.....networking! Through various local authority / agency open days, and various Christmas parties, summer parties which are run for adoptive families, we tend to bump into one and other often....also the families children may go to the same schools, church etc... So this may be the reason ?? Adoptive familes with children say under 16 often know of other adoptive families they could talk to. Also adoptions which have happend in the last few decades do tend to be more open, and help is think more available be it through the family, school, doctors and other agencies.

Regarding finding an Adoption counsellor. All counsellors who wish to practice within adoption, either have to work for local authority or an adoption support/agency, a counsellor can not offer an independant counselling service. Regulations!Regulations!Regulations!

M'Nenka
Born 1966, Found hours later. Adopted 1972. Placed veto 2005 (for no contact)
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Postby ladyarcher » Tue Sep 09, 2008 2:43 pm

Lilit...........I know its no really an excuse being older...........if I'm honest I think that the real reason I resist a 'mobile' is that I do not actually want to be available 24/7 to anyone....

....when we lived up in the Highlands we did actually have a 'phone, because of the huge distances and the high possibility of bad weather or car breakdown - old cars as well as being old :lol:......though a lot of the areas were no good for reception anyway, and our 'phone was not the modern 'mobile........eventually it would not hold a charge, and my husband went to acquire a new battery...........the lad in the mobile 'phone shop in Inverness asked him if he had 'dug it up in the garden'..... :lol:

.....my husband does have one now.........but we found we risked being rung up in the supermarket and asked to pick up this or that for a particular child - aged 29 - so we tended to leave it turned off or at home.......texting seems to me to be the work of the :twisted: ......in a very busy large familied houshold I value time spent alone, driving or wherever..........

to be more serious...........if people are not using bits of the site because they do get help and support from knowing others in similar situations, that is really good..........but I am sure that there must be ones who slip through the net, so probably the Facebook etc. sites are a good idea.....

interestingly, when I was divorced in the early 1970s 'Gingerbread' was quite new and quite prominent.........I never actually went, but when asking another divorced friend why she did not go either.........she said she did not want to be in a peer group of the maritally disabled...........interesting view I thought, not wanting to associate with too many others in the same boat, in case she became permanently locked into that mindset, and defined herself by it....................

Illegitimacy..............does the definition 'bastard' still appear in very modern dictionaries.............I shall have to look it up next time I am in Smiths or Waterstones..............

Just looked it up in my 1956 dictionary...........

bastard - noun and adjective, from old French bastard, modern French batard called also in old French 'fils de bast', 'son of a pack-saddle,.. with lots of links to Latin meaning carriage of luggage, baggage master, all originally from Greek bastazo 'I carry'...then it goes on to..........
'a child begotten outside lawful wedlock; an illegitimate, baseborn child,
adjective ...not genuine, spurious, an imitation of genuine thing,..... sham, also applied to things that are more or less abnormal in shape, size or which differ in some way from standard type........bastard type, having face larger or smaller than size proper to the body............

well, knock me down with a feather. :shock: ...........who would have thought that many of us were described like that..............
(for the purist, there are lots of little hats and other slopey things over the foreign versions of those words, but my 'puter does not do them)

LA

John - by my reckoning, genius or no.......... you are a little older than my older daughter who will be 30 this Autumn,.... :?:
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:37 pm

For the computer literate.......there are online dictionaries available, so the 1956 version can be safely disguarded! You might also like to try Wikipedia, the online encyclopedia!
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Postby ladyarcher » Tue Sep 09, 2008 3:48 pm

Ah but John..........you get much more from picking up a book than just reading what's in it..........

Please everyone look at my new topic...........and add comments if you have heard the programme yourselves........you may wish to do this anonymously.............. :lol:
LA
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Postby jaaa66 » Tue Sep 09, 2008 9:58 pm

Don't worry about it Lilit. It is a common mistake that people make. They assume I am older when they see the genius of my written words!


......so how old are you then John????
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