Why do so few adoptive parents post?

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Why do so few adoptive parents post?

Postby lilit » Tue Jun 10, 2008 3:02 pm

I think I've asked this before but I'm really interested.
If any adoptive parents read this board please de-lurk to say why you don't post?
Is it because of hostile reactions from adoptees and birth parents to some posts?
We have fantastic posters like Wakey and M'nenka with their unique perspectives, but where are the parents of grown-up children?
I think there is a mum of an adopted adult (Paul?) but I'm not sure if she's amum or bmum.
I would find it really helpful to read the "other side" of the story, ie from adoptive parents whose children are searching or in reunion.
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Postby mnenka » Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:00 pm

I imagine there are many reasons why there are so few adoptive parents willing to post. When someone decides to post, it leaves things open for many views and responses.

To post on a forum, usually there is a particular issue or something has arisen in which support and help is needed. As an adoptive parent (and adoptee) often my parenting skills come under the spotlight, and questioned. Also along with this there is the self questioning am I doing it right. If I need help and advice, I would call on family and friends. If I were to seek support elsewhere, I would go to social services. There are also the services of adoptionuk who are specifically for adoptive families. Maybe there are adoptive parents who are on the adoptionuk forum.

It also at times seems this forum is leaning towards adopted people and birthparents whose children have been adopted some time ago. For instance, there are two posts by the same person seeking/advice help writing letters……2 responses. The poster has had her children removed by ssd. She has come onto this forum and seeking help, from the very people who could give valuable insight into her need. Why no posts! for her.

Also, some time back two members posted more or less at the same time, on the same subject of letter-box contact, one adoptive parent and one birth parent. There were pages in support of the birth parent, and a handful of responses to the adopter. Bags of empathy towards one parent, and by the lack of responses to the other mirrors what response comes from ssd and society in general towards adopters……something on the lines of…..well, they are your kids now, get on with it.! Is this what’s going on here?


M’nenka
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Jun 11, 2008 6:14 pm

For instance, there are two posts by the same person seeking/advice help writing letters……2 responses. The poster has had her children removed by ssd. She has come onto this forum and seeking help, from the very people who could give valuable insight into her need. Why no posts! for her.


I would point out that I have tried to help and assist that particular member on more than one occasion in the past, and yet the same/similar question keeps being asked. Not sure in that case what more I can say.

Bags of empathy towards one parent, and by the lack of responses to the other mirrors what response comes from ssd and society in general towards adopters……something on the lines of…..well, they are your kids now, get on with it.! Is this what’s going on here?


The same could well be said of other sectors too. Birth Parents do not get any support from ss either- and the general opinion in society too is hardly favorable.

The important thing is that nobody should judge anybody simply on the basis of what part of this wretched adoption triad they come from. Life is never simple enough to generalise to such an extent.
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Postby Daisy » Wed Jun 11, 2008 7:23 pm

Yes, I wonder why that is too, although it must be that the emphasis of this forum is not adopter-friendly. In fact, it looks like a forum has to be either adoptee/birthparent-friendly or adopter-friendly - the adoptionuk site has trouble tolerating birth mothers, it would seem from the earlier thread "from another forum". This is my impression. If that's true, it would give us a two-sided situation, and not a 'triad' as is often suggested - that is, it's the adoptive families v. birth families. In fact, I could be wide of the mark here cos, after a couple of visits, I never go to the adoption uk forum since it's too much about adopters! I'm not entirely sure if adoptees do post on there too.
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Wed Jun 11, 2008 8:11 pm

Interesting that you mention AdoptionUk. I am a member there too, although I haven't posted there much recently - the reason being that the two parts of the triad that I belong to are not the one's made to feel like their opinions matter on that site.

There are a few adoptees there, but from my memory, these are mainly adopters too. There was quite a big fuss there a while back when a birth parent posted- despite the fact that this person was honest and open, some members took grave exception to the fact that she had dared to contribute at all.
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Postby wakey wakey » Wed Jun 11, 2008 9:37 pm

I'm an adoptee and an adoptive mum-though I suppose I would see my adoptee status as dominant over my adopter status-suppose I have lived with it a lot longer.

I would love to see all 3 sides of adoption equally represented here, but I think that is probably an overly optimistic wish.I think the relationships between adoptive parents and original parents are often very fraught with each side looking to blame the other.I think adoptees often feel pushed to have to choose between the two different sets of parents.

I also read the Adoption UK message boards and am frustrated that they are not more welcoming of adoptees considering they claim they support adoptive families.Families to me means parents and children but they have a message board for every possible type of adopter and none for adoptees.The one they did have was for adoptees who had adopted-that no longer exists.

While there are adopters there who want to understand the difficult feelings of adoptees there are also those who do not want to hear about such feelings. They want to believe that their children will not have "issues" and sadly I think the site rarely discusses adoptee issues from an adoptee perspective and loses the ability to bring greater understanding to its members. On the positive side there is very little conflict on the message boards(easier with only one side of the triad represented) and when it comes to advice on parenting and supporting adoptive parents who are stuggling it can be a good place to visit.If I go there "just as an adopter"I can benefit.If I wanted to talk about deeper issues about being adopted I would feel more comfortable here.

While I would be happy to see original parents at AUK AUK does promote itself as being for adoptive families so I do think they are entitled to not cater for original parents.I just wish they would be more honest and say they are there to support adoptive parents rather than saying they are supporing adoptive families.

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Postby lilit » Fri Jun 13, 2008 10:40 am

I think it's true that this forum seems to lean towards adoptees and birth parents, but since so few adopters post it seems like it has to?
I do sometimes read the boards at AUK for entirely selfish reasons, I find some of it quite uplifting much in the way I enjoy reading M'nenka and Wakey's posts about their children.**
Surely adoptive parents who have children searching or contemplating it must read the forum?
If you do, I would love to read your thoughts and I'm sure many others would too. And I would hope that as a forum we can respect that everyone brings a different perspective and try not to react in ways that may seem hostile when it's not justified.
I can see though if you are parenting younger children that AUK would be a more useful place to hang out.

**I wanted to clarify this - I like reading about happy families! Even if they may be having tough times. Seems like you both challenge yourselves to do the best job you can and I like that.
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Postby alabasium » Mon Jun 16, 2008 1:24 pm

Hi - I am adopted and am also going through the process to be an approved adopter. I find some comments on this site very inflammatory towards adopters - just now I have read one person's unhappy views in regard of adopters that they see adopters as too busy choosing the curtains for their new child's room and thinking of a new name for the child, to focus on anyone else's needs. I understand that this comment is coming from a place of great pain, having had a birth child removed by Social Care, but it certainly doesn't help not to put adopters off in using this site, if you see what I mean.

I wonder also if some birth parents think that adopters don't do a whole load of soul searching? The approval process has been the most gruelling thing I have ever done (about on a par with meeting my BM, I'd say!) and I've done nothing for nearly the past two years but think about everyone involved in the adoption 'triad' (why is it even called that? It's more like a flipping adoption dodecahedron but the time you add in birth and adopted grandparents and sibs and fathers, mothers, cousins, communities etc etc).

We have been told by Social Care that we would be considered for complex contact as I am very supportive of the idea of contact so long as it is safe and in the best interests of the child. We can't forget that many children today really ARE removed because of abuse and neglect and that that child deserves safety and security. Whatever our child's circumstances will be, I have already invested quite a lot in Life Story Work by buying various books and also attending a course myself at the Post Adoption Centre as I didn't want our child's needs to get muddled with mine, as I am adopted too.

I don't disagree however, that some adopters also seem to find it very painful to go in with 'eyes wide open' to the process and really see that when you adopt you are ALWAYS co-parenting with the birth family (that's not just the mother of course, but also the BF and possibly other relatives too and sibs too). I don't disagree with many of the birth relatives on here that to deny the birth families existence is utterly pointless as of course the child will still want to know about them/meet them.

I don't know sometimes how I am still sane! I have an adopted mother who refuses to really acknowledge that I am indeed adopted (oh, and refuses to meet our assessing SW for fear of what it will raise) and I have a birth mother who (in a very similar fashion) is in total denial about me and her experience of having me adopted, too.

The irony is, is that it's these two people that have the most in common! Neither can acknowledge and manage the pain they carry precisely because it is TOO painful- 1) from having a child and losing the child and 1) from never having had a child of their own and adopting in a time when society didn't allow parents to be so open about it all.

I dearly hope that birth parents and adopted parents out there try to work as best they can together and to stop focusing on THEIR needs. Adoption shouldn't be about the needs of the adults, but instead about the needs of the child and all involved deserve support to acknowledge this, as difficult as this can be. I am a bit bored of being the caring adult to both of my mothers and wish that they would both be the adults in the scenario. I hope I can give that to our future child.

If support and appropriate ways to work together are not given then adoption is nothing more than a not very good solution to the untenable problem of many children being unable to be cared for in a way that every child deserves.
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Postby lilit » Mon Jun 16, 2008 2:35 pm

Brilliant post - thank you :D

and best of luck with your new family - I hope you'll be matched and getting to know each other very soon.
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Postby Maisy » Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:38 am

Read incognito's latest postings and you might see why you don't get many adopters posting!
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:45 am

The balanced perspective is what is important in a place such as this.

Despite the postings of Incognito, the perspective of Adoptive Parents is invaluable to many, and I personally would like to hear more.

Personally, not to take issue with, but to gain understanding.
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Postby trishrebel » Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:42 pm

I have recently started posting on here, was a lurker before, so hope to give you an 'adopter' view when I can, although I must say my knowledge base is really only in 'older child adoption' and I mean old as in 10 years plus!

We have direct and indirect contact and hubby is adopted too, searched and met his mum, so we have quite a bit to talk about!

Looking forward to posting some more soon.

Trish

P.S Yes, I agree AUK is mainly interested in adopters and prospective adopters, and it seems they have time for foster carers too but not adoptees or birth families. (Sorry new to this site, what term do we use to describe original/birth parents? In our life we don't use these terms, our lad's mum is his mum)! Yes, I'm mum too but we all know who we mean when we are talking about things together.
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Postby j-h-g-5 » Mon Jul 14, 2008 7:51 pm

Most people tend to say birth or original parent... but it is personal choice of course! No rules as such!
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Postby trishrebel » Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:03 pm

thanks for that jhg5, don't want to annoy people when I've only just started on here!
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Postby Maisy » Mon Jul 14, 2008 8:42 pm

Hi Trishrebel and others. I'm also a lurker here - have been for a while. Haven't posted much because haven't felt I have had much of value to say on most topics so far. I'm an adoptee and adopter of a 13 year old - came to us at 6. So getting towards "older" adoptee. I also have an older birth son of 17. I also lurk on ADUK but haven't posted much there either! I came to this site with my adoptee "hat" on but haven't posted about my particular dilemma, haven't felt brave enough yet. So, I'm doing my usual thing of doing nothing. However, I must say that I have learnt loads just reading people's posts - especially those by birth parents hoping for reunion. It's certainly made me think of things from another perspective. There are some very interesting people on here.
To go back to original topic of this thread - my adopted son is not at the stage for reunion yet. Not sure how we will all handle it if that is what he wants in the future (and I'm sure at some point he will need answers). I hope I will handle it well and with the openess that I plan to but I'm sure too it would be very emotional for all of us - including my birth son. My main concern is that whatever he does and whatever he finds, he will allow us to support him and that he won't get hurt all over again. I think that is the thing that would hurt me the most. He has come through so much and survived. I guess I don't want something to rock his world in a bad way.
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