The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

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The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

Postby sylvie 1 » Fri Sep 22, 2017 7:58 pm

I'd like to share this discussion from an adoptee about the dynamics that often occur in reunion relationships.
I certainly recognise some of them, even though I feel my son and I are in a really good place with each other.

Anyway, hope it helps: It's entitled 'Why isn't my reunion going well?'

https://www.facebook.com/pg/declassifie ... e_internal
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Re: The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

Postby athensrunner » Sat Sep 23, 2017 5:19 am

I just watch this and I do recognise a lot of this too. My biggest worry in my reunion it that I am so worried about being the pursuer, that I might end up being the distancer. As she is saying the best thing is to be open and honest. At the same time I am not trying to psychoanalyse the situation.
Birth mother in an international adoption, reunited with my son in 2017...still working at our relationship, it is a long process but I think we will get there eventually.

My ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

Postby sylvie 1 » Sat Sep 23, 2017 5:39 pm

Hey, Athens, I think you're right about not psychoanalyzing your reunion.
So much better to listen to your and his feelings, and respect and make room for both. Whatever else, your reunion is completely unique to you two, and you must follow your own inner laws as mother and son.


I posted the above video because I felt it helpfully articulated some of the causes of anxiety that I have certainly felt at times during my reunion with my son.
I have fallen into the pursuer role at times, particularly in the early stages, as reuniting with my son was something I had longed for for decades.
However, I've also occasionally fallen into being the distancer, especially if I've felt especially stung by a comment or action.
It's just good to be aware of what might be going on. Stops you feeling that All Is Lost if things hit a tricky or painful patch.
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Re: The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

Postby athensrunner » Sat Sep 23, 2017 8:49 pm

Sylvie

I understand why you posted the link, I have followed the Declassified Adoptee for years and her advice is always insightful. As for my son and I, I think we will be fine, I am lucky that there are some mothers I know ;) who I hold in high regard in the way they have handled their reunions, if my son and I can achieve a reunion similar to these ladies and their sons, I will be very happy. I do know that there will be ups and downs but I think I had good teachers. ;)
Birth mother in an international adoption, reunited with my son in 2017...still working at our relationship, it is a long process but I think we will get there eventually.

My ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
Posts: 125
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Location: London

Re: The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

Postby sylvie 1 » Mon Sep 25, 2017 7:59 pm

:-)
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Re: The profound emotions of reunion and how to handle it

Postby cleo » Wed Sep 27, 2017 8:35 pm

Evening sylvie and athens

I have just watched the video too, and yes i can also relate to alot of this, while i think i may of been a pursuer at some point i also know that i started the reounion being totally truthful to my son, but now see that he was the distancer, making excuses that he was doing this or that, in fact avoiding me to a certain extent, which of course made me question his motives at the time.

But as i got to understand that he was making distance, i also gave him the time he needed, but then that time scale got wider and wider and me, getting more confused as to why.

At the end of the day, ansd after many years of looking back and reflecting on our reunion, i think my son never really wanted a Relationship with me, he just wanted to know his background......well thats the impression i have to this day.

But i also felt some days as a distancer too, sometimes like you sylvie, by a word or Something my son would of said or did, i remember one thing that hurt me the most and still sticks in the back of my mind...is that on about the 3rd time we met my son did a goofy teeth gimic.....ok you may think no harm in that.....i do have a big smile but i do not have goofy teeth, a friend of ùine said i have a megawatt smile ;-)....anyway this deeply hurt me when my son did this, he also has a big smile with lovely teeth. I just felt so hurt after that day that i did distance myself and i never told my son how hurt i was either.

Today my feelings about my reunion with my son are like water Under the bridge, it happened i know who he is and he knows about me...end of.....Nothing more Nothing less...i went through alot of pain again, but have come back yet again to a place that i can say i did my best for this to work out, but it was just not mean't to be, and i have let go.

Once in a blue moon i will see a very rare photo of my grandsons..or should i say really, his sons, but i do not get all teary eyed anymore, i just accept the fact that they have their lives to lead and i am no part of it. I accept this and do not beat myself up with the what ifs and why did'nt it work out.

I am done with it all, i would of loved the outcome to be different but its not. I wish you both all the best in your relationships with your sons and hope that you can spend many years being a proper mother and son in a peaceful Relationship.

Hugs to you all out there, and take care xx
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