3 years and finally........

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3 years and finally........

Postby cleo » Wed May 03, 2017 5:44 pm

Hello everyone,

Well its been a rough couple of months since christmas, new year, my sons birthday, then mine, then mothers day......

Then to add to all this i lost a good friend to cancer and then a couple days after, I lost one of my faithful 4 legged friends that i only adopted last year, the vet first thought we were dealing with epilepsy, but a couple of days after he took a very bad turn and had a couple of seizures one after the other, we rushed him to the vets were he went into a 3 hour coma, he did come back out of it but then a couple of days after he went back into a coma, and sadly had to let him go, the vet said it was an agressive brain tumor, he had only had his 5th birthday a couple of weeks before.

I have been in total dispair losing him, and shut myself off from everyone and everything for the last couple of months.....finding it so unfair, and trying to understand why again do i feel like i am being punished!!! What have i done so bad to deserve such heartache.

But my reason for writing is not only about my dog. A couple of days ago i went onto one of my sons social media pages, and........there was a photo posted of my 2 grandsons.....and, lo and behold the name of my second grandson. At long last, after 3 years, i now know his name, and also that he was born at the end of april, as he was celebrating his 3rd birthday with my eldest grandson who will be 6 this year. So much info, i was over the moon.

I know its not alot but i was so so happy, i copied the photo, as this is the first time i have seen both of my grandson's properly and together. BUT, my happiness was'nt to last long (i guess it was too good to be true).......today i had another look at my sons social page...and its closed, so i can no longer see anything at all.

Why oh why oh why.......what on earth have i done to deserve this, all i want is to be happy and enjoy the little things in life..is it really asking too much?

I have been trying to tell myself that i am better off without anyone, i am happy with my hubby and dogs, yet even my dog gets taken from me way to soon. I must really have a bad omen hanging over me.

Sorry everyone, i wish that i could give you all some good news for once, but it looks as though i am dammed!!

I will not sink, not just yet.....hugs to you all
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Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: 3 years and finally........

Postby athensrunner » Thu May 04, 2017 5:00 pm

Hi Cleo

I'm sorry you have had a few rough months...it can be a lot to deal with so make sure you take good care of yourself.

Try not to read too much into why you can no longer see the pictures of your grandson's...you have now a picture and the name of them both, look at that as a blessing.

I normally use this analogy when I explain to people about relationship...please bear with me.

Life is a like a cake, the most important thing is the the base of the cake, it should be delicious on its own...the cake is you. A relationship is the icing on the cake, the icing is not needed but can make the cake much better

So, think about your son as the icing on the cake...it would be nice but not necessary. Sorry, it may not make any sense...it does in my head. It is my way to say, stay positive about yourself and remember you are not to blame for what happens to anyone else.

Take care of yourself


PS, I sent my son a long message explaining properly that he cannot hurt me and yes I have gone through a load but that is on me, not him and thanking him for being honest with me. I also explained that adoption may be the reason he feels his life is fucked up, he has read the message but not replied nor has he blocked me.
Birth mother in an international adoption, reunited with my son in 2017...still working at our relationship, it is a long process but I think we will get there eventually.

My ramblings as a birth mother
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Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:35 am
Location: London

Re: 3 years and finally........

Postby cleo » Wed May 10, 2017 5:46 pm

Hello athens

Thankyou for replying, trying to see the base of the cake, and the icing on top, yes the icing is nice if added but sometimes i think maybe the cake doe's not need any decorations...just the plain simple cake.

I came across this video of a young man talking to his adoptive mum about being adopted i found it lovely on his part and the fact that his A.mum is so open about the whole thing

Here is the link: https://youtu.be/xVaW7OowAqg You will also see the other 3 videos he has made too

And looking at the replies, a letter from this lady really struck home with me and i'd like to share with all you birth mums too:
Ryan, I am a mother who relinquished my child for adoption, recently reunited when he turned 18. I would love the chance to talk with you, if you would like, on the complex emotions that mothers have during reunion. I'm also an adoptive mother, and a mental health counselor, with a specialty in adoption issues.

I know in the depth of my heart that your mother loves you, and has grieved the loss of you in her life from the moment of relinquishment. She believed with her whole heart, that she was doing what was "best" for you; she was not informed how painful adoption can be for adoptees.

My son has been battling feelings of abandonment, and rejection; of never quite "fitting in" to his extended adoptive family. He is so angry, and hurt, by the decision that I made; it hurt us both on a profound level. We as mothers didn't know how painful adoption would be for our children.

We were told that we would "get over it", and "move on" with our lives. We do not. And cannot. Our children were born in our heart and they remain there forever.

This is not to say that my son didn't have a good adoptive home; he did, his adoptive parents were excellent parents and he loved them very much. But something was broken in both of us when we parted ways, and reunion reopened those wounds.

When you find your mom, she is going to fall apart, emotionally. All of those feelings of the initial loss will come back to her and flood her; she will break down and be clingy and emotionally unstable for quite some time; she will have a terrible fear of losing you again, of you rejecting her. It will overwhelm her, truly.

Please be patient with her, as she processes these intense emotions. Many adoptees are overwhelmed when they finally do meet their mothers, and their mothers fall to pieces. Be very gentle with her, and assure her of your love for her.

99% of natural mothers polled want to see their children again, and to be a part of their lives. They do not search, because they feel they don't want to "intrude" on happy lives, to hurt adoptive parents feelings; they fear another rejection, one they feel that they may not be able to endure.

If you'd like to talk about it, reach out to me. I can also recommend some good books as resources for you on your journey.

Hugs to you. You are loved. XX

I wish my son could read the bit about the bit, When you find your mom, she is going to fall apart, emotionally. All of those feelings of the initial loss will come back to her and flood her; she will break down and be clingy and emotionally unstable for quite some time; she will have a terrible fear of losing you again, of you rejecting her. It will overwhelm her, truly. Please be patient with her, as she processes these intense emotions

This is probably what my son mean't when he implied i was getting too intense, although i still think i was not that intense compared to some stories i have read from birthmums.....but then again we are all different and react different.

I do feel saddened that my son has shut down his account again, but i do not break down anymore, at the end of the day i say to myself i am not a bad person, i was honest with my son from the very beginning, unlike him, but i will not get angry about that, i guess he just wanted to try and have similarities to me, but just were not that true....i hope that his a.mum is like ryan's mum and very open and have a loving relationship together.

Athens, i think its lovely that you can write to your son and he has'nt cut you off, that there is still a link between you both, i do hope that he will be able to digest all of this, its not easy for either side, sending you mega hugs too as a birthmum its hard to try not to go into overload with our emotions, i really really hope that it works out for you and your son xx
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Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: 3 years and finally........

Postby ladyarcher70 » Tue May 30, 2017 2:32 pm

Hi Cleo.......sorry I have not been on here for several weeks, I had not realised how long. No problems, just constantly busy with garden now the weather is good, and I have just taken on a small allotment too. I am writing quite a lot, and there is all the usual family stuff, a number of 'gatherings' for birthdays inc. mine and my husbands .

Thank goodness you printed off that photo........ do you remember years ago I said to print off anything that came through immediately, as one can never trust computers, and also people change their status etc. I wonder if your son's wife slipped that one through, just for you, and then the 'public' status was changed back. (Not totally sure that 'status' is the right word here btw.)

So sad about your dog, but you have to think that you were there for it, and it's last days were happy with you...... perhaps, if one believes in a form of Karma, you were chosen for just that purpose. It doesn't make the loss any less, though. I have had many dogs over the years and still grieve for ones that are long gone. Our current one, lady Boxer around 6 or 7 years old, that we had as a rehome 20 months ago, has just had some mystery injury to her front foot......... as always these things happen over weekends and Bank holidays when vets are shut. For two days she has put no weight on it, but today she is weight bearing, so hopefully it was only a strain or sprain and not a broken toe, which is what we thought at first.

I think that you must not go on thinking that all the bad things that happen to you are your fault, in this, or some former life. I just don't think it works that way. It is a belief, or reasoning put about by Religions in order to keep their adherents 'in order'. You made one, very human, youthful error of judgement many years ago. What has happened in your life since has not been triggered by you. You did not make your dog ill, you did not make the friend you lost recently ill..... and many other instances in life that happen to us, are not triggered by us at all ..... from very trivial things like possibly being soaked by a passing car on a wet day, to losing a dear friend, or a job. Most things are pretty random really.

You will, of course, be very affected by the loss of your dog, even though you have others. Any loss that we have, either as birth mothers, or as adoptees, will renew the feeling of loss at the beginning. You lost your child, then lost him again, but that was his choice, not yours.... I lost my birth mother and birth father, when I was adopted at aged just under two......and also my half sisters and brother. For all my life I have feared and fought loss of any kind.... from the ever changing friendships of childhood, to simply a difficulty in letting go of things that are no longer of use.... clothes, bits of china, bits of furniture, material that I will never get round to sewing into something....our deepest thoughts and memories are never erased, and any 'new' loss, will send them winging up to the surface of our minds.

Some time later today I may put on 'Chat' a poem that I wrote recently..... I did it for a competition initially, but decided not to enter it as it wrote itself too personally ..... it may, or may not be useful to you, or anyone else for that matter. ...

Meanwhile, keep strong.
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