OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

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OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Sun Jan 15, 2017 6:39 pm

For once I can post an update to my life.

The other week after having done my normal procrastination, rationalising and chickening out for years....I finally sent a message to my son...yes I used the dreaded FB, but that was my only avenue.

In hindsight I probably should have sent a shorter message...but that is not me...so I sent a message as short as I could, I have to be true to the person I am. A week later, my son RESPONDED, with a simple question: "How do you know the name of my parents?" OK nothing spectacular, nothing hopeful...but still a response. I sent a message back explaining that I remembered their names from the adoption papers (which I do) and explained that that time is seared into my mind...he has read it and despite having the opportunity to block me from his FB he has not done that yet :D

So, now I am back on that dreaded roller coaster...that does't matter because this year, with a bit of luck I can finally send my son a message wishing him a Happy Birthday....I will leave the rest in his court....he can take as long as he wants...I have told him I have never forgot him and that I still love him...if he wants a relationship with me, it must be on his terms...I have given him the control of what happens next...I am just happy with hopefully being able to wish him a Happy Birthday on Thursday and him knowing about me.

Edited to add new update :)

This morning I got a message on my normal FB profile (my message to him was sent in the one, which have my name as it appears on his birth certificate). My son and I have a mutual friend on FB. So to cut a long story short, our mutual friend sends me a message asking if I know (my son's name), I respond with "yes and no, it is complicated" to which leads to a brief conversation...it turns out that our mutual friend is my son's best friend (I knew they were good friends but not that close) and my son was with his friend during our little exchange. The outcome is that his friend as offered his assistance where he can and he let me know that my son is confused (of course) but OK.

I think/hope this is a good sign.
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby cleo » Tue Jan 17, 2017 8:50 pm

Oh athens,

I am having butterflies reading your mail, how exciting..... gosh taking the plunge, but like you said it will be his birthday on thursday, , how great it will be to be able to finally wish him a happy birthday, its amazing.

Its good his has his best friend who of course is also a 'friend' of yours too, i am so happy for you and will definatly keep everything crossed that things work out for you both.

As you know it was my sons 35th on the 7th and then my birthday on the 14th, exactly a week later...of course no news from him whatsoever, and i did wonder if he had secretly wished me a happy birthday or not.....i thought of him all day, on his birth day.

I am in abit of bewilderment at the moment because after coming back from a holiday with hubby on sunday, a friend of mine sent me a private message to say that she was very unwell and that i will be invited to a small ceremony in the next couple of days/weeks...it did not register with me straight away, then realised she was actually inviting me to her funeral!!!

Sorry i think this should be on another topic: Athens i am so so happy for you i bet your roller coaster is all over the place at the moment, please keep us updated :P
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Wed Jan 18, 2017 6:29 pm

Thank you Cleo, I'm ready for the roller-coaster.

I hope that your friends (both of them) are doing better.
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Fri Jan 20, 2017 8:16 pm

It is official the roller-coaster has taken off...my son sent me a friend request on FB...of course I accepted...so now I will wait for him to take the next step again
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
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Location: London

Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby cleo » Sat Jan 21, 2017 7:29 am

Oh athens

My goodenss, i feel as though i am sitting on the back seat of the rollercoaster with you...how wonderful that he has accepted you on fb, is this on your normal page or your 'other'.

Did he know he was adopted? I guess thats always a question we do wonder about, if the a.parents ever told them or not.

Like you put in a previous letter and which niggles me alot since knwoing my son is that fact that birhmums, like you have mentioned too, are not allowed to make contact with their children, yet they ar allowed to make contact with us if they want too. I find this totally unfair, why do we not have the same rights? I think in the uk things have changed now but i am not 'up to date' with the uk laws sadly.

But like you said even in greece a birth mother cannot contact her birthchild......Anyway going off track again...Athens, you must be bursting with joy, i am so so happy for you and will keep everything crossed that after all your years of being patient that it works out for you both.

Did you get to wish your son a happy birthday?

Looking forward to reading your next steps in this rollercoaster ride, mega hugs xx
cleo
 
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Jan 21, 2017 6:34 pm

Oh......wow Athens R....... I have not been on AA for a week or more, and had missed your amazing news ....... fingers crossed for everything for both of you ....... hopefully your son is young enough, and 'modern' thinking, to absorb and cope with his changed status ....... many older men are not able to do this ........ I have met and talked to quite a few who cannot link their cultural idea of the 'perfect Madonna' mother, with a mother who has given away her child, as they see it, and is therefore flawed......does not meet the picture of perfection...... as I think is probably the problem with Cleo's son .......

Anyway, hugs and happy strengthening thoughts.......another journey for you .....

LA
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Sat Jan 21, 2017 7:02 pm

Cleo, we are friends on my "official" page...it has been wonderful to see so many wonderful pictures of him...I have realised that his profile was actually quite open originally (being I was already a friend of a friend). I did message our mutual friend to apologise for "using" him, he is totally OK with "being used" by me..phew.

I did send my son a birthday greeting and it was after he read that I received a friend request. I did respond with just a thank you for adding me...nothing else for the moment, I am giving him sometime to process it all.

LA, sorry I have too not followed the forums as much as I should...I hope you are OK. According to our mutual friend my son has one of the most brilliant minds...I think that was our friend's way to tell me to give him some space but he will be OKish with it...I am hoping that my son will use FB to get to know me as friend and hopefully meet me when I am in Athens in September.
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby sylvie 1 » Mon Jan 23, 2017 6:43 pm

Athensrunner, I am overjoyed for you!

I wrote you a long reply but it vanished when I hit 'submit' :cry:

How lucky for you both that you share this mutual friend. My reunion with my son has been really helped by the gentle support of those around us - his missus, my husband, his aunties/my sisters. This has been so helpful when either of us has been triggered - they gently introduce perspective and new thoughts, and stop us getting tangled up in our individual experience of adoption-related trauma. It hasn't happened often but of course it is all very raw, in different ways, for us, and caring friends and family have helped us through those moments. Now we are nearer a decade of reunion than just beginning :P

I am keeping my fingers crossed for you dear Athens. You have endured so many years and now there is the chance of something shared. x
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Mon Jan 23, 2017 8:17 pm

Sylvie,our mutual friend is my son's best friend and not a close friend of mine (I have not actually never met him, the friend is an artist who's work I like and have only on a few occasions FB chatted to about art) but I am grateful my son has a good friend he can lean on.

I actually had a brief FB chat with my son on Saturday night...it turns out that I was the one who broke the news that he was adopted :( Despite that he is open to get to know me and meet me at some stage, as long as I can prove what I said is the truth.

I do not have any paperwork surrounding his birth and adoption (I know a some of us do not have any). Luckily I was prepared for that one and pointed him in the direction of how to obtain his original BC, even offered him a DNA if he wanted that.

He have been reading my blog over the past few days..so now I just have to wait for him to get his head around all of this (and understandably see proof that I am telling the truth). However, I think we will be OK...it will take a while...at least the cat is out of the bag.

Lol, even survived my first panic attack on this part of the roller-coaster...I'm expecting a few of them over the next few months.

PS. By accident sent a video call request to him today...I was speaking to a friend on the phone and went to close down my messenger window and pressed the wrong button, so sent him a brief message apologising for that and reminding him that I am giving him time (and gently asked how he was).
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby cleo » Wed Jan 25, 2017 7:18 pm

Evening all,

Sylvie, like you many a time i have written a long letter, onmly to have it dissapear when i go to submit, so what i do now is copy the letter before i submit, then if anything goes wrong at least i do not lose my letter....

LA, i really do not know what my son thinks of me apart from that he says i was too intense, which i find hard to understand as like athens, i gave my son the space he needed, and with being in another country it was'nt hard to keep my distance anyway!!
But looking back i try and understand from his point of view...but sadly cannot, so i put it down too, not on the same social ladder, his loyalty to his a.mum which of course i know plays a big part and he has never told his mum he came looking for me, so perhaps guilt thrown in on his side too?
But whatever his true reason, i cannot change anything, and do not intend to go back into his life, although i would like to get to know my grandsons when they are old enough to understand....abit like Athens now with her son, waiting for the right moment.
But LA maybe you can answer this...would I have any rights to get in contact with my grandsons when they are old enough, or is there some sort of law forbidding me?

Athens: woah what a lovely read i have when i come on here, so nice to read a positive post, and with your 'mutuelle friend' involved too. Oh so your son did not know he was adopted then? I do not have any paperwork from my son either not a birth certificate....on the other hand my sons a;Parents had his orginal certificate which he saw when he was growing up and knew that one day he would be able to find me because of that.

Do you speak greek or english to your son? Hugs to you and we are behind you all the way xx
cleo
 
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Thu Mar 23, 2017 6:31 pm

Had a bitter sweet message from my son last night, the sad thing is that I am sure that being adopted has a load to with this.

He said he doesn't want to hurt me (bless him)...because I have been through at lot, but he was already dark place, nothing to do with finding out he is adopted, and feel unable to experience any feelings because (his words) having his defences up. Despite this he is saying he hope we can meet at some point. I responded that I wished I could make it better for him, offered to to be there for him if there was anything I could do to help him. Of course, I told him that he could not hurt me, the fact that he knew where I was, should he ever need me was more than I ever hoped for.

I was prepared for the fact that he might be dealing with adoption trauma. However, having it confirmed and real...not being able to tell him point in the direction of the right support, breaks my heart.

I promised to message him before I arrive in Greece and he can decide if he wants to meet me. My gut is saying that we will meet, what will happen after that...who knows, I just wish I could take away his pain.
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
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Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:35 am
Location: London

Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby cleo » Thu Mar 23, 2017 7:56 pm

Evening Athens

Oh i was so waiting for some good news from you, i guess for your son it is alot to take in, i am gathering he was not told he was adopted then?

I thought from your previous posts, that your son seemed happy in his life, what with his sports etc, so i am sad to read that he feels he is in a dark place!!!

But there is still hope as he still would like to meet you at some time in the future, so the candle still burns...thats great

I wish i was as level headed as you, you seem to be taking it all in your stride, thats amazing.......i wish adoption was'nt such a heavy load to carry for both sides, it really is such a trauma that until a few years ago i never really thought how deep the pain could go.

I hope you can meet up with your son on your next trip, to get a chance to finally give him a hug.

When will you be planning your next trip?

Hugs to you too athens, i hope you are coping ok xx
cleo
 
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby athensrunner » Thu Mar 23, 2017 9:29 pm

Hi Cleo

No my son did not know he was adopted. I too thought he was in a good place, but without really knowing it is hard to get a true picture.

I get the feeling that my initial message was a shock to him but at the same time not a shock...I think it made sense to him when he got the message. He is saying that his life was in a mess before (having nothing to do with me contacting him) and that is why he is not ready to process. I think the wound is running deeper than that.

The reason I said the message was bitter sweet is that he and has given an indication that he wants to build a relationship and trusting me enough to share some of his pain with me. The bitter part is that I cannot help him, he has a lot to process and the best gift I can give him is time and space. He knows I am here for him if he needs me, he has also had a chance to read my blog...I think that has helped him in a small way.

When I got his message I wanted to give him a hug and just be there for him and as you said hopefully he will agree to meet me in September.
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
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Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:35 am
Location: London

Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby cleo » Mon Mar 27, 2017 6:13 pm

hi athens

oh how upsetting for you both, i really wish there was someway you could try and help, its never easy when we are in different countries.

I just hope that your son will use this time to slowly sort things out, if possible, and by the time september comes around will be willing to meet up with you.

You are such a trooper, and i hope things can work themselves out, do you still haev contact with his friend too?

Take care oh and glad he can read up on your blog too x
cleo
 
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Re: OK, had enough of waiting...some news on my front

Postby cleo » Wed May 03, 2017 5:58 pm

Hello athens

Just been thinking how things are going between you and your son, how are your emtions coping with everything?
cleo
 
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