no acknowlegement

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no acknowlegement

Postby cleo » Sat Dec 31, 2016 3:37 pm

Just to say i tried to bring up the subject about my son, but my parents are acting as if he never existed, my dad is on the defensive all the time.

So there is no point in talking to them, i will keep the fact that i know about my son to myself and just deal with each day as it comes. You'll all have to bear with me a little longer, haha

Wishing you all the best for the coming year and just to say a massive thankyou, i know we all have our problems, but thankyou for taking time out and just letting each one of us know we are not alone...it truly has helped me.

THANKYOU xxx
cleo
 
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby sylvie 1 » Sat Dec 31, 2016 9:49 pm

Hi Cleo

Both of my parents acted oddly whenever I talked about my son, particularly around our reunion.
This is the discomfort of their guilt - for not helping me more, which resulted in the separation of me and my son and the pain this caused us.

My feeling about this is that we are all imperfect human beings and I do forgive them for that: who in the world has not made a mistake? Got things wrong? Acted from a selfish impulse?
But at the same time I think that is their stuff to come to terms with, just as I have to come to terms with my actions in life and the way these have affected others (most particularly my son).

What I have absolutely refused to do is stuff the experience of having my son out of sight just to make others feel more comfortable. I think that is too much to ask me to do, and I refuse to do it. I think it is unfair on me and my son to do that, so I don't. It's difficult, and I don't want to hurt anyone, but I feel there has to be a boundary across which I won't go just to make others feel okay, and hiding the reality of my son and my bereft motherhood is beyond that boundary. I feel we have to respect our right to our own experience.

I think it is unfair on you to feel that you have to hide away such a huge and painful part of your life, so that you then feel so alone. I say this without judging your parents, only with care for you - you should not have to feel so alone with all this.
Did you say you had a sister you were thinking of talking to about this?

You are being so strong Cleo, to feel all that you feel, the full impact and depth of it. I just wish you weren't so alone with it, so that you could get some comfort from the kindness of others.

I wish you a happier 2017 dear Cleo x
sylvie 1
 
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Dec 31, 2016 10:32 pm

I think, Cleo and Sylvie1, that in both your cases what you are talking about is honesty ...... honesty about your feelings, and your parents' honesty about their part in things.......without honesty I think there can be no healing........ no 'closure' to use the modern phrase. In both your lives your parents' need to acknowledge their part ..... because until they do, they are as trapped as you are ......

LA70
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby sylvie 1 » Sun Jan 01, 2017 5:35 pm

Yes LA, I agree with you, they are as trapped as we are.

But I have also realised that you cannot make someone else behave or do as you want them to. You can only govern yourself.
Giving yourself permission to talk about that which is most important to you is a form of self-care that I think can be very healing. It's paying your feelings the respect that was once denied them.

Best wishes all for a gentler, more loving year ahead.
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Jan 02, 2017 2:21 pm

Hmm........ I like the idea of self care ....

... talking about things is an odd one...... I have always talked about my adoption, the reason being to allow others an opening to talk about it if they need to.......and this does happen.........However, occasionally this has backfired on me, and I have been ostracised ...... in theory no-one bothers about the term 'bastard' these days in its correct sense. But there are still some that do, despite the fact that I point out it is not the child who is illegitimate, but was the union of the parents that was not sanctioned by either the law of the time, or the church of the time....... all these things rather archaic now of course, since many seem to have no acknowledgement of the common sense laws of either man, God or nature........whoever......... although these laws did evolve originally to protect women and children and the family unit.....and are, I think, still valid.......

Another topic I have always talked about, is divorce, and its further effects, such as 're-familying' and step parenting.......as well as working out that there is always a two way street when a divorce occurs........so, now, I will say, 'my first husband left me, but I probably drove him to it.......' and I am only half joking.......looking back, my divorce.....over forty years ago now.....was not so bad as many people cope with.......and I have to say that I was far more cross than heartbroken.......

One topic that I have always shied away from, is cancer.......I wanted to know nothing about it, not discuss it with folks who had it, or any aspect of it...........partially I think this is an age thing......in that it was always a hushed whisper when I was growing up, as well as pretty much always being a death sentence........ however..........now I have had it............. hopefully it is defeated for the moment ...... do I want to talk about it...... no, not really..... but will if pushed.....and, as with my divorce, I feel far more cross,.... angry even,........ than any other emotion......maybe I will give myself permission to talk about it some time.....but I think it probably will come under the heading of if I ignore it, it will go away.....

The 'ignore it and it will go away....' attitude, is of course, what both yours, and Cleo's parents are doing .... but things don't go away...... and the two sets of parents should by now be old enough to know this......

A new year....... hmm ........ are any years really 'new'........ or just the same one, with the same, plus some extra, different problems....... like moving, or going on holiday, whatever problem we have tends to come with us, or be waiting when we get back.....so perhaps a head on battering ram approach is the most healing in the long run.......

LA70+
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby cleo » Tue Jan 17, 2017 9:52 pm

Thanks sylvie and LA

I did write a long letter the other day but as i submitted it, the page said i had to log in again, to which i lost my long letter :(

Anyway here i am again and will try and put into words what i feel,

I cannot see a way out with my parents and its not that i do not want to talk about my son, but my dad really makes a point that my son doe's not exist, and i cannot fight this and think its best for all that i keep it shut, not for the convenience of anyone, but for my well-being, as strange as it may seem. I just do not have the strength to face all the upheavel if i came out and told my parents that i now know about my son and know he has been living so close to them too for all of these years and that 'yes' i have also met him. But i am also worried that because my reunion failed my dad may take some kind of joy, that again i made a huge mistake and that i should never of 'got involved'.

On the other hand i think my mum would like to know what has happened, but then again i am only guessing on this. So i think my best bet, and i may sound harsh, but i think my best solution is to wait for my dad to pass away and then if my mum is still alive....then finally come to terms with her....but until then, my son will stay mine and my husbands secret!!!

LA, i do not feel as though my dad 'feels trapped' i don't know why, but i feel as though i was the black sheep being the eldest and of course having to set a good example to my brother and sisters, in which i failed in everyway and of course getting pregnant at such a young age too, i still do not know if my brother or sister remember me being pregnant either, because like i have said, it was never talked about and as if my son never existed.

I am trying my best to make you understand, but in writing its hard, i do not have a way with words, but i hope that in some way you can feel how i have been feeling all these years. Sadly i think i will always feel lonely in some way, because its not a thing we can just sweep under the carpet and forget about. Sometimes i wish i could just scream out to the world how i feel but i know it would do me no good, the only person who can make me feel better was my son...having his forgiveness to what i put us both through all these years, although he was lucky to have great parents that gave him the best things in life.

I totally understand that you cannot make anyone feel the same way as you do, or have them respect your feelings, you just have to hope they could at least try and understand how you feel after all these years....but as i found out the hard way...its not always the case!!

LA i share your idea on new years, are there really any new years, to me not any more, i used to love christmas and new year, but not any more, for me its the same routine, my feelings will not change, unless my son decides to come back into my life, i know he is the only person who can help mend my broken heart, sounds corny i know but thats how i feel, he is the only person that can make me feel whole again.....And until that day comes 'again'....yes i will be a ram banging my head against a brick wall...which is rather appropriate as i am a capricorn, haha.....

With all that, my friend has finally been let out of hospital today (my suicidal friend)...before i could not undersatnd why somebody would want to take their own life or think that their life was not worth living, but after these past five years, i can now see why, although i do not think i could be pushed that far, even though i have been on the brim, but never acted on it. I realised how some things in life can destroy you to a point of no return.

Yesterday i also got a private message from another friend who told me she was unwell and that i was invited to a small ceremony in a couple of days/weeks time, but not sure when..it did not dawn on me at first, but then realised she was actually inviting me to her funeral, i was in total shock and even today thinking about what is happening.

It got me thinking too about death, i know it may sound morbid but i am quite open on this subject and have thought that if i know my time is up, then maybe i will tell everyone around me exactly how i feel and telling everyone the fact that i do have a son and yes he is alive and well. And i would be able to contact my son for the last time to say goodbye without any regrets and tell him that i loved him way before his first breath and will continue until my last breath, but also tell him how sad he made me feel when he decided to cut contact forever. But if i died suddenly, he would still be a secret to everyone, and he would not know that i passed away, unless my husband got in contact with him, which i doubt he would after my son breaking contact with me and causing so much heartache.

My husband witnessed the pain which pushed me to a point i never thought i could turn back from...but i did it once at a very young age, and i have done it again. I will not be taken down by anyone, i know i am stronger than that, and i will carry on.

Take care everyone and who knows what the future will bring, we have to take it on the chin whatever is thrown at us, we can sink or swim...for now i will keep on swimming xx Hugs to you all
cleo
 
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby sylvie 1 » Sun Feb 19, 2017 11:51 am

Cleo, you do have a way with words. Every time you speak from your heart, your feelings are so clearly expressed. Thank you for the great strength it takes to express such depth of feeling.

On a different note...

For a long time, I thought that the only person who could mend the broken heart I'd carried about since my son was adopted was my son himself.
As if the source of the intense pain (the loss of my son) could be mended by his return.

I no longer think that though.
And I also think that it's a lot to ask someone who is also carrying their own intense pain from being given up for adoption to then mend mine.

Through counselling, I've learned that it's up to me to soothe me.
It's up to me to comfort me and befriend me when I feel hurt and lonely.
Whenever I do that - imagine myself giving the hurt part of myself a loving and consoling hug - it does work. I wonder if it would for you too Cleo?
sylvie 1
 
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Feb 20, 2017 9:20 pm

Hugs for you Cleo ........ I just cannot imagine the hurt your son has done to you ..... what I mean is that I cannot imagine how someone would feel it right to deliberately give so much pain. I know we all can sometimes cause a friend, or acquaintance pain, but usually it is accidental, or unthinking. I believe it is rare for a human to deliberately cause another mental pain....... and of course you are suffering it too from the attitude of your parents.

I think you are very strong to hold yourself back from confronting your parents and demanding their acknowledgement of your son ....... I know that I could not do that....... I would demand their attention, and their acknowledgement of their part in it...... whatever one's children do, one has the responsibility to care for them and help them when they are in trouble...... and your parents did not do this, and have compounded your hurt by their lack of acknowledgement..

Our older daughter has twice thought that she had found her partner for life, and both these misjudgements have resulted in a grandson for us.......and we love, value, and delight in both boys, now 15, and 7, just as much as we do our 'legitimate' grandchildren. We are very lucky in that we see them almost daily..... we are also lucky in that our married daughter has just had a baby boy, now two weeks old, and we see him, and his 'big sister' who is two and a half, also almost daily...... our two older grandsons, 20 and 17 live a fair distance away so we see them less often, the same for our other granddaughter who is six ...... but all of them have such a special place in our lives...... and your parents have missed all this .....

It actually makes me quite angry on your behalf ......... it is not as if you had committed a criminal act ........ the worst that you could be accused of was a lack of judgement due to youth ...... and they have punished you for life, for that one little step off the path........ instead of holding out their hands to draw you back into the comfort and safety of your family ...... shame on them ...... and pity on them too, for what they have missed .......

LA
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby cleo » Tue Feb 21, 2017 6:08 pm

Evening Sylvie and LA

I have been wanting to write for a while, my friend finally died a couple of weeks ago, she had a lovely simple ceremony for family and friends, but death also makes you realise alot of things.

Sylvie, you are totally right, i cannot expect my son to mend me, i have taken alot of time to realise this, mainly through taking 'time out', and acknowleding that we are from two different worlds so to speak. Like my son once said, his a.mum was born with a silver spoon in her mouth.
And i know my son is doing well for himself too, he has his own buisness and lovely house and posh car, so i think the social ladder is also a key role between us. I do not come from a wealthy family, i am very down to earth person, i do not need flashy cars or stuff like that, i am happy the way i am. Just the other week i was looking at my sons girlfriends entourage, and its very elegant, again nothing like me.

But anyway going off the subject, i have realised, like you said, that i am the only one who can mend myself and choose to be happy again, its not my son that can do this....he can, but at the end of the day, its me who decides how i feel. I have fought off many demons through my life, that could of easily pulled me down, i could of ended up a really depressed, achoholic, druggie sort of person...but i tell myself, i am stronger than that, i will not fail myself, i can and will rise above this. And i can tell myself that i am proud of who i am, even if alot of people misunderstand or misjudge me for whatever their reason. I know deep down i am not a bad person, just a person that longs to be happy and loved, and at the end of the day, i am blessed to have a husband that loves me for who i am, no i am not perfect, but he loves me and he knows i love with all my heart.

I do not know if my son feels intense pain from being given up, i think sometimes he must think that he's better off with his a.parents, as he has had everything he could of wished for, apart from having a brother or sister, that is the only thing i know he regretted. And the reason why he has 2 children now instead of one, he did not like being an only child. I do wonder too if he thinks about me and knows the pain i must feel being shut out of his life...but then i try not to think about it, what is done is done, i hear his voice saying, at least we got to know each other, whereas before we knew nothing......this is true, but it doe's not make things easier.

Sylvie, i wish things could be different for us both, and for other birthmums out there, but at the end of the day, somethings were just not mean't to be, i hope that maybe one day i will have somebody to talk too about my son in person, but for the time being, i thank everyone on here for listening, reading and commenting on my rantings.....

LA i know what you mean but its something i feel deep down that i know will not change the attitude of my parents, i am not angry with them, i guess frustrated maybe the word, but like i have said i have taken on this load and will carry the weight of everything i have gone through, i have been knocked down so many times, but i always finish by getting back up again......the one thing that hurts me the most is knowing that certain people can be as nasty as pie, yet people around them still thinks the sun shines out of their*********, i do not swear by the way......yet i try my upmost to be nice and loving and have it all thrown back in my face..this i truly do not understand.
Hubby says i think too much and take too much to heart. HHmm, maybe i should be more vindictive, but thats not me. I cannot pretend how i feel, i have always been truthful to my son about everything, and where has it got me?.......

I so envy you having such a fab family around you, even with everything that has gone on, you all seem to be all on the same level, i just so wish i could of had just a little piece of that too, i would give anything to be able to be part of my 2 grandsons lives. But like Sylvie says, i have to be my own happiness.

And honestly LA, i do not think my dad thinks he is missing out on anything, perhaps my mum yes. But who knows, i cannot build a story on what i think maybe going through their minds, idem with my son, i can make up so many scenarios, but will any fit to what is actually going on inside of their minds? I only wish i knew, or to be a fly on the wall, haha. But then saying that, knowing my luck, i would end upin a fly trap or squashed....so best leave things as they are, and plod on, at the end of the day, there are many more things and horrors going on in the world.

LA i take on board what you, sylvie and others say on here when commenting to my posts, its always an enlightment and takes alot of weight off my shoulders talking and being talked too on here, i know i am not alone, and that even though i seem i am not making sense, that you all understand in a way how i can feel and the frustration at times of what is going on in my mind.....i always come back here to check on things, although it is often quiet, but i am so happy i have this place to come and get things off my chest and hear other peoples stories and how they cope too...thankyou everyone xx
cleo
 
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby sylvie 1 » Wed Feb 22, 2017 9:27 pm

Bless you Cleo. You really are an extraordinary person and I salute you - you have endured so much and remain a person with such a living, feeling heart.

I'm sending you a huge hug.

And I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend x
sylvie 1
 
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Re: no acknowlegement

Postby cleo » Thu Mar 23, 2017 7:47 pm

evening sylvie,

oh what kind words, i don't think i am extrodinary, more ordinary or maybe abit off track for alot of people. I like to think i do have a kind heart, but sometimes it gets taken for granted, but once the hurt is done i do shut down and walls are built...i guess this is my way of defence....

How are you doing sylvie? Do you still have regular contact with your son? Sending you extra hugs too xx
cleo
 
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