christmas day

Moderator: AfterAdoption

christmas day

Postby cleo » Sun Dec 25, 2016 2:19 pm

Feeling overwhelmed and sad,

When its supposed to be a day of joy and love.......sat here on my toddy in my pjams with only my dogs as company, heyho and feeling the pressure that christmas brings, seeing other members of the family on fb having a lovely time and posting what presents they've had and what a great day it is...

Sylvie i read the link and woah yes i can certainly compare to that, my husband who is also military (and is serving at the moment, thats why i am alone) he has hardly ever talked about the horror he see's and i know i cannot even start to understand it, yet for 30+ years its been our life.

And yes like other birthmums, they know how one can feel, as they too have been through the same thing and oh would'nt it be lovely to meet up with another b.mum and just chat for hours and 'let it all out'..;knowing that there is undestanding on both sides.

Its hard when a reunion fails for whatever reason...if there really is a reason...i still find it hard to understand my sons reason and guess that he has looked upon me as an intense person!!! Which i am not, i gave him the space he needed, since the reunion, always asked nicely if it would be ok to meet up when he had time, i'd wait and wait, then get a reply to say sorry he left it late.....

I guess i find excuses for him, his loyalty towards his mum of course, but cannot understand why he treated me like he did......especially knowing i have always waited for him, yet 2 grandsons later and i am totally left out in the cold.

LA thankyou so much again for your offer, but firstly i think you have enough on your plate without having to worry about my problems, its very kind of you but i would rather you concentrated on getting yourself back to good health...like i said before , my son made it clear in his text message i was no longer wanted in his life, i was to make no further contact with him....so i will respect his wishes, all i ever wanted was the truth from him....even though it hurts like hell, i cannot barge my way into his life, i just would of liked to of known if he did really care for me for a short while, or if it was just on false pretensise to tell him about his past?

Anyway i'm off to eat some porridge, i hope some of you have a better day than me....but don't worry, tomorrow is another day, and when the dust settles i will celebrate my birthday with hubby when he gets back......i'm so lucky to have him, and understand abit how i must feel...the feeling is mutuel

Hugs to all who are having a rough day today xx
cleo
 
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Re: christmas day

Postby sylvie 1 » Sun Dec 25, 2016 6:10 pm

Hugs to you dear Cleo. I am spending the day with my husband but no-one else, and we keep today low key: he lost his mother some years ago around this time, and I lost my son around this time too, so we are gentle with ourselves and do little things, like taking a walk by the river, to keep us feeling good. It is definitely not a day of bells and whistles.

I actually had a strange experience about a week ago. I was sat on the floor wrapping Christmas presents when I became more and more agitated. Sweat was pouring down my face and nothing seemed right. I felt anxious and fretful and nothing my husband said or did helped. I just wanted to cry so much, and my throat constricted with tears.

It was only some days later that I realised what was going on. One of my memories from being pregnant was sitting on the floor of my childhood home, nine months pregnant, wrapping Christmas presents because we didn't know when I'd be taken into hospital in labour. Since my son's birth over three decades ago, I've never given a moment's thought or attention to Christmas until after his birthday has passed, since that occupies my whole being around this time of year. This year was the first time I'd sat on the floor wrapping presents before his birthday, and it triggered alsorts of unmanageable feelings.

We all live with so much. Adoption is not beautiful at all. It is fuelled by loss and grief, and such profound loss and grief, for so many. It mangles everything that should flow naturally, so that people's behaviour becomes unfathomable.

You may be physically alone today dear Cleo, but I am thinking of you and I will raise a small glass of Bailey's and drink to your good, good heart, hoping that something may alleviate a little of your grief xxx
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Re: christmas day

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Dec 26, 2016 3:17 pm

Sylvie1........ how weird and bizarre..... it is obviously a form of post traumatic stress ....... it makes one wonder what and where and how much else we have buried deeply in our psyche and simply don't recognise as a 'replaying of old tapes' as we used to call it, in the days of 'tapes' ......now long gone of course........so youngsters would have no idea what we were talking about.

It happens to adoptees too, you know........at age 72, I still feel physically sick whenever I have to get rid of things, even if they are worn out/no longer fit/are not in any way needed........a while ago I worked out that this was being taken from my mother and half siblings at aged around 18 months.......sent to a Childrens' Home, and then at around 22 months, farmed out to my adoptive parents......separation anxiety they call it now of course.......but each time one of my children reached those ages, and now my grandchildren have done, I think what it must have been like to be shifted around like that, with no explanation, no reason, no understanding of what was happening........and I am sure it is the same for younger babies too......they may have no words for things but they would have the familiarity of their mother's voice, smell, movements..... etc, even if it was only for a very short time .....

That is why now, except in the most extreme circumstances where a child is in danger.......I totally disapprove of adoption as an 'answer'......., it is not the answer to an 'unwanted' or 'unplanned' baby........ because almost always, at some level, the baby is wanted........it is also not the answer to a couples' infertility.......sad though this is for many people ....... one cannot, in this life, have everything one wants....that sounds harsh, I know, but it is a lesson that does not seem to be being taught or learned nowadays.....

All bit dark for thoughts that are supposed to be festive...... but as we know, for many, not just adoptees and birth mothers, Christmas is very stressful, and not at all festive......

LA70
born 1944 and so 70 plus now of course.....

btw ........ I have contacted After Adoption pleading with them to put the link to our forum back on their 'home' board.......they took it off quite a while ago and our forum has become very quiet ever since........as of course if there is no link, who new, will know it is there.......I also had difficulty accessing it immediately before Christmas........ had done it by googling After Adoption Forum, and then selecting 'index' from the menu...... but that had suddenly gone too.......AA told me that it was now http.......and gave me a link....... 'Emma' thanked me for my information......lol....I had found it through the dreaded Facebook eventually.......and she promised that putting the link back on the home page would be 'looked into'......so here's hoping.....as they say .....'if we build it, they will come'......
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Re: christmas day

Postby sylvie 1 » Tue Dec 27, 2016 8:55 pm

LadyArcher, I completely agree with you on the following:

except in the most extreme circumstances where a child is in danger.......I totally disapprove of adoption as an 'answer'......., it is not the answer to an 'unwanted' or 'unplanned' baby........ because almost always, at some level, the baby is wanted........it is also not the answer to a couples' infertility.......sad though this is for many people ....... one cannot, in this life, have everything one wants....that sounds harsh, I know, but it is a lesson that does not seem to be being taught or learned nowadays.....


I also remember you talking about being triggered by having to give things up. In fact, I'll never forget the post you wrote, about looking at your granddaughter at the age you were at when your world changed, and suddenly having pure compassion and empathy for your young self. It was a deeply moving thing you wrote and shared with us, and I wanted everyone involved in adoption work to understand what you had written, and how adoption might feel for the child.

...and just one more thing:
When I consider what my son went through by me not being there for him when he was a newborn baby (and beyond), I am absolutely heartbroken for him. I am told he did not stop crying for ages. I would literally give anything to be able to reverse that experience for him. No-one involved in saying how beautiful adoption is ever mentions the inconsolably crying child, or the absolutely bereft mother, both crying their hearts out.
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Re: christmas day

Postby maisie » Fri Dec 30, 2016 10:43 pm

Hi Everyone
It's good to read these latest postings as I too was feeling bereft on Christmas Day, remembering the Christmas I found out I was pregnant, at age 17. I was in a foster home and was ostracised by the family because they were appalled that I had brought disgrace upon them. No one spoke a word to me all over the Christmas holiday, I was in the same room as them but treated like I was invisible. It was really horrible. There was no one I could turn to for support. Soon afterwards I was sent to the unmarried mothers home. I was alone as usual this Christmas and very sad that the reunion with my son has not really brought us closer. I met him for the one and only time, on his 45th birthday, six years ago. We still send each other cards and letters, but apart from that there has been no progression. I often think about him as a crying baby separated from me, and me crying all my life without him. It is tragic. I feel I was not allowed to be a mother. So both of us were robbed of our relationship. I shall be 70 tomorrow and that feels like a milestone I could do without. I was moved around in different foster homes as a child and never knew the stability and security of having a consistent family and home. So I know where my son is coming from emotionally. Anyway, I just wanted to make contact with others here who understand. I, too, hope the Forum home page will be restored, as I know another birth mother who would like to join. Does anyone know why the link was removed? Greetings to you all and I wish you a Happy New Year. Let's hope the future will be kind to one and all.
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Re: christmas day

Postby sylvie 1 » Sat Dec 31, 2016 12:06 am

Huge hugs Maisie xx
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Re: christmas day

Postby maisie » Sat Dec 31, 2016 11:28 am

Thank you, Sylvie. I can feel the warmth!
x x
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Re: christmas day

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Dec 31, 2016 12:17 pm

Hugs to you Maisie........ I won't say 'happy birthday'......'cos it obviously is not appropriate...... I am just a couple, well nearly three, years older than yourself..... and remember well the attitude of the times......and of course it also applied to my b.mother. My other half siblings were taken from her, and she was declared 'unfit' as a mother..... because my b.father was not her husband..... wars have a lot to answer for....

With regard to the link to the Home Page.......I guess we will not hold our breath(s).....not only because of the double Bank Holiday, but also because as I remember on trying to contact board administrators previously, it took a long time to get results. According to the one who replied to me when I messaged on the AA facebook page, one can access via http://forums.afteradtopiong.org.uk I hadn't been able to, but just realised that I had not spotted that there were two 'slashes' .......so may try again......I have been getting on through the fb message replier's link.....her name is Emma.

I would think that your birth mother friend could join, Maisie, if she can get on to the main forum via the http..... hope it works......

LA70
born 1944
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Re: christmas day

Postby cleo » Tue Jan 17, 2017 10:28 pm

Sylvie,

I can totally understand the welling up you get, i have been through that too, i used to cry for anything, but it was so intense i could not stop the tears from flowing down my face, i knew that all the pain i felt inside was eating me up in someway but there was no way i could stop how i felt.

There were times i could not remember some things back when i ws 16/17yrs old, but then something would pop up out of the blue, something that had laid hidden all these years....more things reared up when my son contacted me 5 years ago, and even now i have things pop up that i could not remember, or perhpas refused to remember!! The mind is a mysterious machine.

Maisie, wishing you a belated 70th, what an ordeal for you too, my son has just turned 35...but like you i have not had no contact with him and then exactly a week after its my birthday, i do wonder if he thought about me that day?

I have not seen anything new on his fb page or other social page, its still an old photo from over 6months ago, although his girlfriend put a photo up on 'public' view near christmas time, which was lovely to see with my grandsons.

But i try not to take things to heart anymore, i have to say to myself that they will probabaly never know about me. And that my sons A.mum will never know about me either.

Christmas, New Year and both our birthdays have now passed and life goe's on as best as i can manage, and tell myself this year, i am not a bad person, but i cannot change people or have them respect my feelings. I have to carry this weight that has reared up, and hopefully one day lighten the load again with time.
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