its that time of year again

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its that time of year again

Postby cleo » Fri Nov 25, 2016 8:35 pm

Just been reading Athens post of her birthday...

Well tomorrow is my grandsons 6th birthday.....gosh...the week has been auwful, the tears have reared up, losing control again, either in the car, out in the garden or taking the dogs for a walk, all of a sudden the tears start flowing and my head is asking all sorts of questions again and again.

Then of course its the anniversary of my son getting in touch with me after 30yrs then christmas, then anniversary of 1st meeting with my son, then new year then my sons birthday then mine just from tomorrow i will weep until mid-january.......and yet i think i can get over all of this, somehow....i know i am telling myself a lie.

My son is doing well on the other hand...he has a new fancy car, he also posted a photo of ballons, birthday banners and cake for a new work collegue who has only been working for him since just a month....for somebody who has a heart of stone (my son) i was gobsmacked....but i guess i was told things at the time for convenience its seems?!!

I don't know how i should feel anymore, sometimes i want to be angry, but instead i feel sad and hurt and used.

I am still debating wether i should talk to my parents or even my sister, but so worried of the worms in the closet, so to speak...i really don't know, one minute i tell myself, i should talk, but then i feel, what good would it do. My son has been a secret all these years, and watching the itv programme just brought back sad memories too.

Anyway..its that time of year again, and i'm feeling like a total reject
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Re: its that time of year again

Postby sylvie 1 » Sat Nov 26, 2016 10:46 am

Cleo, I'm sorry love that you're feeling in such pain.
I'm thinking of you during this time, and will send you warm caring thoughts over these next few months. You aren't alone.

I can relate to the level of pain you are in. It really is excruciating.

I have found good quality counselling has really helped me. Nothing can change what has happened, but we can find ways of comforting ourselves and showing compassion and understanding for ourselves.

Adoption doesn't happen in a vacuum. Good therapy can help us understand the context in which we were pregnant, and why the support we needed was not there in our personal lives. A wider understanding of the social situation in which our babies were born can help us move away from self-blame and turn our attention instead to the wrongful pressure there was to give our children up to a 'better life' - at great emotional expense to us and them.

It may be difficult to find a good therapist who understands the profound feelings you are experiencing. It took me a while to find the right one, but it has really really helped.

Hugs Cleo. Try to do nice things for yourself, at least once a day. I'm thinking of you x
sylvie 1
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Re: its that time of year again

Postby Josie » Mon Nov 28, 2016 7:44 am

Hi Cleo,
Just wanted to send warm thoughts and gentle hugs to you.
"Anniversary" times are forever annual cycles of mixed emotions, some years worse than others.
I'm in the throes of my personal 'anniversary cycle' of the birth of my son, the day 'he went' and the first terrible Christmas, just weeks after his birth.
Well over four decades on, and I do understand the grief...although I know our situations are different....

Dear Cleo, I will keep you in my prayerful thoughts during this time, I just wanted you to know that.
Sylvie mentioned 'mindfulness' and I have found this a real 'medicine' when raw emotion threatens to overwhelm me.....really, all we ask for is some peace from the hurt, the yo-yo nature of the emotional life of women like ourselves.
You are not alone. Care for your dear self.
Be a kind Mother to the hurt of you.

I apologise that I'm not often here to support along with other Mothers.
It's a long journey indeed and I find I have to pace myself, enjoying the seasons of 'peace' where perhaps the inner gnawing fades....and getting ready to face a turn of tide where somehow it all comes flooding back.

Keep going love,
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Re: its that time of year again

Postby sylvie 1 » Mon Nov 28, 2016 8:26 pm

Beautifully put Josie. It is so hard to put all this into words but you have named it all so accurately x
sylvie 1
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Re: its that time of year again

Postby cleo » Thu Dec 15, 2016 10:29 pm

Thankyou Sylvie1 and josie

Yes the never ending wave of emotions and this time of year i guess i could call it a tsunami, where my emotions just woosh up uncontrollably...

Sadly sylvie i cannot find councelling as i do not live in the uk and to explain my past to somebody in another country and in another i think not....its already hard trying to explain how i feel in english!!

Josie do not apologise, i understand you are not on here often, i come here when i need to chat and get things out of my system because i have nobody else i can talk too, so this is my therapy block if you like....

I know i can babble on but my brain doe's have a repeat button that i cannot switch off most of the time haha....i am coming to terms with the separation but i will never be over it completely.

I did alot of thinking too this week because of my friend, and i realised that one day i will die, from whatever cause...but i want people to know that whatever name that had been given, that in fact i actually died of a broken heart, i have said this to athens runner too, i will die of a broken heart, the one person who could of fixed it, broke it again , actually he shattered heart will never be the same again.

I know this may sound wierd but its how i have come to feel after these past 5 years..maybe next year i will think differently?...
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