Hoping everyone is ok out there

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Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby cleo » Thu Aug 11, 2016 7:47 pm

Hi all,

I've been back here a couple of times, and finding it quiet, i hope everyone is ok in their lives, i know alot are busy and getting on with things, and life in general.

Not much happening my end either, having days when i think too much and wonder why things went haywire, and why my son broke all contact, when he said he had always thought about me.

There are days i think i would of given anything for my son to realise how much i have always cared and how i'd love to be a tiny part of his life and be a tiny part of his sons life too, but then there are other days i think i would never of made a good mum for him, or be the person he thought i could be for him.
So i am glad he has had great A.parents that he loves and respects.

But one thing is for sure, the pain is easing as the years pass, (coming up to 5 years!!) i can now look at a photo without getting so upset, and think "it was just not mean't to be, he is just somebody that i used to know, for a brief moment, when our paths crossed. My son has his family and his life, i am not part of that equation, and i have finally come to accept that.

Sometimes i think this sounds harsh but looking back it was probably for the best that things did not work out......also i did not realise how much of a strain it had put on my marriage too, my emotions were all the place, my son coming back into my life and then not hearing from him after just a couple of months with no explanation until 2 years of silence it has really destroyed the last bit of trust i had in a person.

I have changed, i keep myself to myself even more, i do not mingle with people as often, that was not my biggest forte anyway, but i now prefer my own space and just keep away from the crowd and do my own thing.

I will keep plodding on, because thats all i can do, and take life as it comes...with all its ups and downs

Take care everyone, thinking of you all, whatever situation you are in.
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby athensrunner » Fri Aug 12, 2016 11:31 pm

Hi Cleo

Sorry I have not been to active lately....so many positive changes at work, I no longer have to walk on eggshells and pretend everything is OK....I can actually these days have a shit day at work and the response will be a hug and "Do you want a coffee and talk about it"...the shop I work at got new owners and being upfront with my situation as always, they are actually supportive...so in my day to day life...no more hiding the truth as I had to under my old boss.

It good to hear that you are now moving on and I hope you one day come to have peace with yourself and your situation with your son. For me, I too have found peace with the fact that I might never get to know him...I have seen him in the flesh (although I would have loved to hugged him) and I know he is healthy and to me it looked like he was happy...I cannot ask for anything more. For yourself...finding peace within yourself is the best way to heal.

I am still going to Athens on a annual basis, but now I look at is as going "home" and to get to see my two best friends...if one day I get to meet my son...it would be a bonus but it is no longer my reasons for going...a more important reason would be to support my friends charity....the work she does! Odd, in a way I'm paying my penance....if I do never get to meet my son....I'm doing something something for the next generation of the children in Greece (all races and creeds). My friend are in the process of setting up an day/rest-byte centre of children in care in Greece. OK, my little contribution is to bring some cloths and toys...and of course being her mouth piece in the UK, lol.

The other thing I am embracing for the moment is art....which I have always loved..but now I seek it out, starting to attend gallery opening etc....in essence I take care of myself and i hope you do too...OK you said you becoming more introvert, but sometimes you have to to find yourself...I will leave you with my favourite painting for the moment..for me it just means that I have accepted that my son will always be a part of me and the hope that one day that he is willing to meet with me....but do accept I might not be part of his life.

You take care of yourself.

Hugs
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Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
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Location: London

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby cleo » Thu Sep 08, 2016 2:37 pm

Hi Athens

To begin with i love your painting, and glad to hear that you are enjoying your work now and that your colleagues understand when you have a bad day.

Also great that you have taken up your hobby that has interested you all this time, i think this is what saved me too from going under, actually it was for 2 reasons, firstly i never got to finish my sporting achievements when i was at school because of getting pregnant and then leaving the country, but now after 30+ years i got back into sports and have come so far, as the saying goe's "its never to late to be what you wanted to be or dreamed about". When muy son got in contact i was about to start my sports all over again, and when he left it was like turning back the clock to when i was 16....but this time i was determined not to give it all up, instead i put all my strength, effort and time into it, and after 3 years have achieved so much, so i am very proud of myself, like i said to my husband, it is on a very personal level why i pushed myself so hard this time around, i was not going to let anyone drag me down.

Now i can stand proud and i know deep down this is what i needed to do to make ammends with my inner self all those years ago. It may sound silly, but i just needed to prove to myself that i was capable of doing something positive and succeed, and i wish you all the best enjoying art....i wish i had the talent to draw, but i'll keep to matchstick men cats and dogs ;-)

I guess at the end of the day, all us birthmothers can do is take it on the chin and say, yes my son has had a great life and is healthy and doing well, i did get the chance to hug him and hold his hand, i wish i could still do that, but like you i have to accept the fact that i am no longer a part of his life. Although your son still has to meet you, and who knows maybe one day it will work out for you.

Your friends charity sounds amazing, what doe's she actually need for the children in greece, is it cloths, school stuff etc?

I came back to the uk in august, and my dad showed me some birth certificates of his and my mums parents and grandparents, he has been doing the ancestral tree, but when it came down to me and brothers and sisters, nothing was mentioned about my son, the conversation just seemed to come to a dead end. But then again i did not have the courage to speak up about it either, rightly or wrongly i don't know, but my parents have never mentioned my son since the day he was born.......... I think its deeply swept under the carpet!! I have thought about getting my sons original birth certificate so i have some reminder of him, but then again, what good will that do me? Just hanging on to threads and now i am finally breaking the mould maybe its best to leave the past in the past, and my son made that clear enough. I held on to hope all this time, but at the end of the day, like you said, we have to look after n°1.

Take care of yourself Athens xxx
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby athensrunner » Thu Sep 08, 2016 7:42 pm

Hi Cleo, it seem that you are too healing.

Ops reread my post and it seem like I take credit for the fantastic painting by the artist Lora Zombie....it was not my intention to appear to take credit for her work....I am just so much in love with the painting that even if I would never be able to afford the original, I am actually treating myself to an print of it...it would set me back a few pounds but will be well worth it...I even have been given the permission to have it hanging in the shop where I work if I want.

As for my friend's charity...it actually started off as being a reunion and search agency, which is how I got to know her...she is a foundling and started this because she wanted to find her own family. It has now morphed into something more like Dr Barnados were over here. She fights to reform children's welfare all over Europe, in Greece she is organising foster care where it is needed and trying to ensure that children's homes are a thing of the past.

I do what little I can, like bringing clothes when I go to Athens, however for the moment, as all other charities they need money and believe it or not social workers. However, I had a brainwave the other week...through FB I have got to know a few young Greek artists and I thought it would be great to get these young guys to do something (the art I like is mainly street art, urban art and contemporary art) like giving lessons, helping decorating the day centre or donating some art for an auction. So far two of these guys are very interested in helping out. Not bad from a little brainwave, lol.

However, any ideas or contributions would be welcome from anyone who wants to help out, PM me for the details.

Anyway, I off to Athens again next week...and look forward to 10 days checking out a lot of art there.

Take care
x
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:35 am
Location: London

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby cleo » Sat Oct 15, 2016 9:50 pm

Evening Athens

How was your trip, enjoyable i hope?

I just read your blog.......oh my, how can you say that you were selfish in giving up your son, i do understand that we were mean't to believe that giving up our babies when we were young ourselves was the best thing to do for all parties at the time...but now i also ask myself....was it really the right thing to do?

Again also thinking i am giving a family who cannot have children themselves a chance to be great parents to a baby boy that i was lead to believe at the time really had no chance of a good life if i kept him, having him just before my 17th birthday. And also reading from the list of 3 potential parents that the people i chose were getting on in life at that my choice to choose them was, i was probably their last hope of them being able to adopt. That they had a settled life and good jobs, so no worries about financies.

After all these years i was glad to know that my son had great parents, who brought him up and gave him a life more than i could of ever given him and that the choice i made back then for his 'a.parents' was the right one.

Athens, there are times i wonder how wrongly the system in adoption worked...like in the film of philomena, all the lies and the criss crossing...so near, yet so far. How one side is allowed information on us, yet we were/are kept in the dark, unless by some chance we get a chance to have a glance at what is going on. But still bound by authority brick walls.

Yes, the choice we made back then, we will pay until the end, and unless a reunion works out, we will live with a pain so deep inside, sometimes undescribable, a mixed bag of emotions i really do not know how most of us manage. My guess is, we have got this far, after all these years the choice we made back then made us strong to be able to cope with whatever life throws at us, somedays we get knocked down, but, we always rise again.

I too love the painting that you posted i think it captures what is hard to explain, but i can see the meaning of it.

Sorry if i have babbled on again, take care
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby athensrunner » Sat Oct 15, 2016 10:42 pm

Cleo

Thank you for your comments...OK, on my blog I said I was selfish...it was the gas-lighted me...at the same time it was the scared me...the panicking me...the frightened me...shall I go on?

But remembering back on my 21st birthday...which was what the blog post was about...at that time I felt relief...that I had done something good...that I had found good parents for my son...and all that bull. Now 25 odd years later I have other thoughts...I do know that my son had GREAT parents...but you know hindsight bad for us...we look back on ourselves all those years ago...and like the American's like to say...we stop drinking the KoolAid...and realise the impact adoption had on our lives.

The problem with adoption is that with infant and international adoption is the lies...what we are told about the PAP's (the prospective adoptive parents) and what they are told about us is often a pack of lies...we are given a gilded picture of the PAPS and they are often told that we are abused/drug addicts/destitute or even the wronged party in a star-crossed romance...I can go on and on.

I will send you a PM with my contact details...so we can chat more, if you want too,

Take care
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:35 am
Location: London

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby cleo » Sun Oct 30, 2016 6:15 pm

Evening Athens

Yes i can understand where you are coming from, the scared, frightened teenager, being pregnant doing what she thinks best for her child, thinking back and watching some of the long lost family porgrammes (which i have not been able to watch before) i find the amount of information that the ss do not give out t the beginning then all of a sudden they find some 'old documents' that may help in the search!!!!

I know when i went once to the ss i was not allowed any information on my son even though they had the records of him....yet he had information about me. It just feels all one sided.

His A.Parents had information about me too and even had his orginal birth certificate...me on the other hand, i am allowed to know nothing, and its only becaus emy son got in contact with me 30 years on that i know a little about him.

I will talk again soon as not having a good time at the moment
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby athensrunner » Sun Oct 30, 2016 7:17 pm

Hi Cleo

Sent you a PM, but for some reason I cannot load up a picture of the painting I bought, so here it is :wink:

transendence.jpg
transendence.jpg (158.29 KiB) Viewed 1947 times
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
athensrunner
 
Posts: 118
Joined: Thu Dec 31, 2009 12:35 am
Location: London

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby sylvie 1 » Sun Nov 06, 2016 7:03 pm

Great to hear you're into art too Athens Runner - me too.
Doesn't it feel great to buy a piece of original art or craft you really really love. I have a few pieces round my house, and they are a source of never-ending interest and intrigue, or just simple pleasure.

Take care you and Cleo.

I wish it wasn't so quiet on here but it became so when After Adoption took the forums button off their webpage. Seems that we who have lived the actual experience of adoption are saying the wrong things, like it hurts, it never stops hurting, the pain is profound, and it was unnecessary. Don't think those kinds of feelings are what people in the adoption world want to hear...
sylvie 1
 
Posts: 27
Joined: Thu Dec 10, 2015 5:54 pm

Re: Hoping everyone is ok out there

Postby cleo » Mon Nov 14, 2016 8:40 am

Sylvie

yes i think too sometimes its so quiet on here, at times i feel as though i am talking to myself, but it also feels nice to know that i can write things down on here, wether the system likes our feelings or not, this is how we feel, and no investigation will take away the emmense pain birth mums have to live with for the rest of their lives...some as hidden secrets which can become unbearable..yet we pull through...somehow

An inner strength that grabs and tells us not to be beaten or put down, we believed what we were told, because thats what teenagers did all those years ago, we dare'nt go against authority, we absolutely believed that what we were told was the best thing to do for all concerned

Is there anything worse................yes...............a reunion years after, that doe's not work out, and tares you up again, through just wanting to be a person showing how much she loves her son/daughter, but its not to be.

This pain and guilt that we have to live with until we die
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm


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