New Photos

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New Photos

Postby cleo » Sat Jun 25, 2016 9:06 pm

Evening everyone,

Well its been a while, but the last couple of weeks have been another roller coaster, but glad to say that i have kept my emotions under control anyway here's my bit of news:

A couple of weeks ago my son went on his annual holiday, i know he always goe's sometime in june so i was really surprised that on one of his social pages he put up a photo of himself with his girlfriend....which he has never done before, must admit it was nice to see a photo of them both together, just both standing side by side looking at the camera in the sunshine.

But then i go onto my sons other social forum and there a photo of him at the same place same t shirt etc and holding his new son, who is, i am guessing about a year old now.

This is the very first photo i have seen of him and new son put up for "public" to see. I know my son knows i can see his FB photo when on "public" profile, (thats the one with his girlfriend) but his other account i found out by doing abit of searching, so normally he would not know that i know...if you see what i mean.

Am i looking far too into this do you think? Like i said, i did not get myself all worked up or into a state, i just sat and looked at the photo, and reminded myself that i am no longer a part of his life or his two sons lives. And its been quite a few years now since he stopped contact, and has hardly put on any photos unless its like landscape stuff or the odd one of him, but like i said its usually only once or twice in the year.

As i have said before, its like looking through a keyhole, i can see snippets of how he is doing now and again, its not much as he only posts public sometimes every 6-8 months, but its the first time of him with his girlfriend and first time of his new son.

Anyway, just thought i'd let you all know or am i just being a sad silly moo.........
cleo
 
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Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: New Photos

Postby Fiona Blades » Mon Jul 04, 2016 9:43 pm

Hi ... I'd just be grateful you can see the photos. As sad as it is, at least modern technology allows us these insights into others lifes. Although very sad for you, must have been wonderful to be able to look at him and a tiny part of his life.
Fiona x
Fiona Blades
 
Posts: 23
Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:22 pm

Re: New Photos

Postby cleo » Fri Jul 08, 2016 10:52 am

Hi Fiona

Thanks for replying, yes it is nice to see snippets of him, but i do not get all over excited like i used too...i look at the photos and think yes nice, and then i seem to let go.....i guess after all these years of no contact i have become hardened again...like the saying goe's: time doe's not heal the wounds, it just helps us to deal with the pain and forces acceptance of what cannot be changed.

I have had to take a big step back and realize that it was never mean't to be, even though deep in my heart i wish it could of worked out. I will just plod on as if nothing ever happened and just be content with the sneak previews my son allows when he puts things on 'public' settings.

Its weird, because i still have mixed emotions about birth mums and the whole adoption way, how things turn out with other people, or in many cases, do not turn out!!

Adoption can be so destructive on so many levels, and we encounter emotions that unless you are actually wound up in all of this can you fully understand that the emotions and feelings are unlike any we think we know. I know its hard to describe sometimes how we really feel, even writing it down, its not easy...and the thing i find too, is that today i feel this way and that in a couple of hours or tomorrow my feelings will have changed again, abit like the weather at the moment haha, its sunny one minute, then pouring down with rain and gale force winds the next....

I do not know if we come out stronger or wiser after reunion, what i do know now, is that i will never show my feelings or trust my son again (if he ever decides to contact me again...which i doubt very much anyway)

I did tell him at the beginning that i was worried i woulod get hurt if i opened up to him...he said that would never happen, and that he would always want to stay in contact with me!!!

Anyway i am babbling on again, sorry, i do get side tracked sometimes. Fiona, how are you feeling at the moment, do you have highs and lows too, or think about if things could of been different with your B.mum? Do you have any other people in your life that know?

Here only my husband knows, and of course everyone here on AA, i have never told my parents, as we have never ever talk about my son since the day he was born. So i am quite lonely in talking about what happened, i guess thats why i chat alot on here, as i also know here people have experienced similar things, feelings and emotions and the turmoil of everything that is thrown into this pot called dadoption.

Hugs to all x
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: New Photos

Postby Fiona Blades » Fri Jul 08, 2016 7:59 pm

Hi Clio, I agree adoption can be destructive, amazing, sad, happy, exhausting, exhilarating all rolled into one.
Writing things down, can be helpful but if you're anything like me, you don't put the half of it down by text/email chat. I go over and over things in my head and then again.
Im very lucky my best friends know all about my searching and are amazing, my husband also knows but not sure empathy is his strong point.
In fareness to him though, my head has been an emotional mess since I heard from my half brother and my husband did say if anyone else claimed to be related to me he'd tell them to get lost! When I asked him why he'd said that, he said he wouldnt want to see me go through the upset again and again.
I have highs and lows all the time Clio and always wish things had been different with my B.mum. but I've decided i can know longer live with what ifs... she had a lot of tragedy in her life and couldn't emotionally give me what I think I wanted from her.
How things are can't be changed and I have learned to realise I gave it everything and couldn't of done anymore.
We met. .. we talked and hugged and I'll always be happy for that.
I dont mean to be matter of fact.. I'm anything but...but I cant and wont let it control my life.
Whoever we are, adopted child/B.mum etc ... we need to come through the roller coaster that is adoption and come out the other side, however hard, smiling. We all owe ourselves that much, just for getting here.
Fiona xx
Fiona Blades
 
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Joined: Mon Apr 11, 2016 9:22 pm

Re: New Photos

Postby cleo » Sun Jul 10, 2016 3:37 pm

Hello again fiona,

Well i can totally agree on alot of what you have written too, when i first told my husband that my son had finally got in contact, he told me to go careful as he thought i would end up getting hurt as i did not know anything about my son..i told him at the time that things would be fine.....more fool me. Once things started to go wrong and my head , like yours was working way too much on overload, going over and over again, trying to figure out what i may of said or did so wrong.

Like i said in my previous postings, there were days i would get into such a state not knowing why my son had cut me off like he did, even today i still wonder and have often thought that i must of been so bad (even though i know i was'nt!!) But i kept blaming myself and hubby said that he knew i would get hurt and it did mess me up for over 2 years. Until one day, enough was enough and i kicked myself up the backend and got a grip on things.

Yes i am like you and go over a zillion times what if's and whatever's, but i know i will always end up with a splitting headache and an even bigger weight pulling me down.

I do not talk to my husband about my feelings now, as the last time we talked, he said that if ever my son did decide to come back into my life, that i was to tell him its too late, he has done too much damage to me, emotionally, mentally and physically. I don't think my husband will forgive him for the all the hurt he did. Like i said, my son has had years knowing about me and finding the right moment to get in contact...for me it was out of the blue knowing nothing and then finding out that he only lived down the road from my parents all these years, even today i find it so hard to accept that fact for some reason!

Again like you, i gave my all, for my son, telling him all he wanted to know, another phrase that sticks in my mind, when we decided to meet up was that i said that i would probably give him lots of hugs and hold his hand while walking with him, he replied "is that what mothers and sons do, i thought was back in the 30,s"...i laughed at the time, and when we did meet i did hold his hand as we walked, and i did ask if he held his A.mums hand when they were out...he said no, they just walk side by side. I did feel abit privileged to be honest, but again it was the way he wrote mother and son, i was so happy.

And yes i face the fact that i had the chance to met, hug, hold hands, and talk a little bit, but mainly about why i did what i did and he knows about my life today, where'as i only have a little insight to his life. But now i think, thats not too bad after all.

I guess i felt hurt with his last text saying that i should be happy that i know he is doing well and hope that i can now let go and continue my life.... easier said than done, maybe for him it was easy to come and go as if i never existed, but for me i do not have an "ON/OFF" switch...i wish i did.........

I also realised that we are the same age fiona well i am 51 and yes whether we are a b.mum or adopted child, the painful emotions of adoption are surely something that can drain a person if they let it...there is a very fine line, i found, but with time i got back up, its hardened me and i won't be fooled again, and one day i hope to be happy in my soul again.
cleo
 
Posts: 238
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm


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