Moderator: AfterAdoption


Postby cleo » Tue Oct 27, 2015 8:50 pm

Hi everyone

Well after a long thought i've decided to delete the photos i had of my son on my mobile phone, even though i do have them on a usb stick which is in a "safe place", i decided that i was probably torturing myself by looking now and again at his first photos that he had sent to me including a baby photo.

I have come to terms that its not doing me any good trying to hold on in some way, after the long road of silence i have finally 'let go' to hopefully find some peace of mind.

I have had thoughts that i would of probably been a bad mother, i could never of given him all that his a.parents have, and that its probably for the best that my son has stopped all contact. I would of loved for it to turn out all right for us both, but i guess some things were never mean't to be.
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Re: Delete

Postby ladyarcher70 » Thu Oct 29, 2015 8:57 pm

Sorry that you are feeling like this Cleo ......... why do some people delight in making life difficult for others is a mystery to me, yet you see it again and would be so simple for your son just to continue a gentle non-over the top relationship with you ..... without wanting to sound rude, or uncaring, it would have cost him nothing to 'throw you a bone' from time to time....... a picture, a little note or email of non contentious low key news would have made you so happy, it's not much to ask........ and from his point of view he ought to be jolly grateful to you for your own sacrifice so that he could have a life that you would want for him but knew at the time you could not give him....... sorry to rattle on, but I feel awfully cross with weren't wanting to be gathered into his social circle.....probably quite the last thing you would have wanted weren't camping on his doorstep ...... such selfishness compared with your selflessness ....

With regard to the photos.......I don't trust technology, and so taking them off your phone, but keeping them on a 'stick', seems risky to me......I think you should perhaps have them printed off, and put them in a little album on a high if the usb fails or gets lost or dropped in the bath or whatever, you have a proper paper has always been my motto to never do something that you can't undo if you need I would never jeopardise something as precious as those photos by trusting them just to a usb stick .....although probably taking them off the phone is a good idea as they would be a scab that was continually being worried at, if they were that close and easily accessible........ ...

It may be that some time in the future his attitude will change...... such things do happen with age and maturity ....... or maybe, though one would not wish it on him, perhaps some form of Karma will visit him, maybe when his son is a teenager, he will storm out temporarily as teenagers do........, and your son will suddenly feel the chasm, and perhaps get some notion of how you have felt ......I am not 'ill wishing' him, you understand........just saying that experience in the future may shine a light on, and change his ideas about his own behaviour in the past.......

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Re: Delete

Postby butterflylady » Sat Oct 31, 2015 8:26 pm

It's been a long time since I have posted on here mainly because I never feel I have anything to contribute but just had to say how thrilled I was to see Turtle had posted such lovely news I am so please that you have made contact with your Father and his family and they have welcomed you, as for your Mother I think it's a shame she has chosen not to have contact for reasons only she knows but one thing is for sure you will be high on the list of her thoughts.

Ladyarcher it's also good to see that you have been posting again I always love to read what you have to say always honest and caring.

Cleo what can I say the more I think about you and your son the more I believe that it was easier for him to decide against contact because I believe he would have had strong feelings for you from that first contact something that was hard for him to deal with or a feeling of guilt towards his a.mother for having those feelings. I do agree with LA that you should keep the photo's safe if you are going to delete them from your phone, as for the social media site that your son posts on I think he wants you to see the photos he posts because he knows how much you have missed his life and I believe it's his way of keeping you up to date with how your grandchildren are growing up.
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Re: Delete

Postby cleo » Mon Nov 09, 2015 8:48 pm

Evening LA and Butterflylady,

Thankyou both for your replies,

Butterflylady, like you there are times when i feel as though i don't have anything to contribute to other peoples mail as i am a sort of newbie on this adoption Relationship. But its nice to know what other people think and i realise from their point of view too, so please don't stop writing or feel you have nothing to say, its nice to know there are people out there who can give advice even critisisim if need be. I am interested by others expériences from both ends of the adoption table.

LA, there are times when i feel angry with my son, mainly for the waiting game and telling me yes we can meet up, only to be let down, like i said, all i ever wanted was to spend abit of time with him when i came over, but i know now it was asking too much...i have also thought along the same lines as you, hoping he will change his mind as he gets older or if he has a problem either with his mum or his sons....but then again he has a heart of stone, so maybe he will just stick his heels in and get on with his life. Like he said, he knows about me doe's not make me feel any better, in fact there are days when i wish he never made contact, although i know deep down its all i ever wanted. But we are all different and want different things out of life, i did not ask for much, like you said i was'nt caming on his front door or demanding absolute visiting hours etc etc, i left it upto him if he wnated to meet up when i came over, but i guess at the end of the day, his curiosity was fixed and he could carry on as if i never existed.

It has taken me a couple of years to face this fact, and now i think.....what the hell.......i could of been so so happy with a little bone as you put it, but i face the fact i will never see him again, and to be honest i am not sure if i could go through all the heartache a 3rd time. I only get to see what he is upto every couple of months or so, nothing special and if i am Lucky a photo of his son, in a couple of weeks time it will be his 5th birthday.....4 years ago since i saw the both of them, time do'es not heal, it just helps us cope with the pain we bear deep Inside.

I think it was sylvie who asked if my face was coping with the hurt....No its not, i try not to look in the Mirror anymore because all i see is a sad sagging face, where'as before i was always happy and smiling, not a wrinkle or sag in sight. These past (soon) 4 years have taken their toll on me, i have turned into a very sad person, Inside and out, although my tears are Under great control now, i just get angry with myself for being such a fool yet again, and will not let the tears take over anymore, not only that but i end of with a splitting headache, and at the end of the day, its just not worth it.

My son has had a fantastic life with wonderful parents, he is happy, and i hope one day he will realise just how much i love him and always will, whatever he truly thinks of me.
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