Male Adoptees

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Male Adoptees

Postby maisie » Thu Sep 10, 2015 3:13 pm

Why do male adoptees seem to find it so difficult to stay in touch with birth mothers? I was reunited with my son five years ago, and we have met once. Since then we have had occasional contact by phone. I have suggested many times that we meet up and he says yes that would be great, but i have not been able to pin him down to a date. When we talk on the phone he is always friendly and enjoys our chats, but then it is ages before I hear from him again. I leave messages on his mobile now and then and he takes weeks responding. I find the lack of contact heartbreaking, though I don't tell him that. He lives with a long-term partner and they have no children. I have not met his partner, though I have spoken to her on the phone and we get on ok. When I suggest we all meet up she says she would like that but it has to be his decision. I read a lot of reunion stories and it seems that mothers and sons find it much more difficult to sustain contact than mothers and daughters. Does anyone have any thoughts or suggestions as to how such situations might be moved forward. Or is just a case of being patient and hoping for the best? It is hard to accept that we may never meet face to face again. But sometimes I feel that may be so.
maisie
 
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Re: Male Adoptees

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sun Sep 13, 2015 11:26 pm

Sorry not to have replied sooner, have been frantically gardening to make the most of the weather, and not looked at the site for a few days.....


Being female, an adoptee myself, and having five of my own children, plus grandchildren, I can't really give a proper or experienced answer, although I have searched for, found and am in contact with all my birth family ....... I have to agree that it does seem to be as you say.....so below are my thoughts on the problem....

... is it just the usual ....generalisation coming up.....'man thing', where they will do or say almost anything to avoid any sort of emotional relationship ......
.....is it that they will agree to anything to avoid a meeting by appearing to be agreeable......so they can't be blamed

.... are they less able to cope with multiple relationships than women are
.... is the above because boys generally get away with more, and girls are more conditioned to give in and compromise and 'please people'.....

or

....is it a far deeper thing, in that men in Western society still unconsciously take in the 'Madonna; syndrome, in that women are, or should be, on a pedestal, and mothers particularly are on a higher pedestal than other women.......therefore if a woman 'fails' as a mother, and gives away their child, then she is not 'perfect' and has fallen off the pedestal........ so even though it may well be a subconscious feeling, men are not comfortable with a 'bad' mother.....

Now we all know that the above is the attitude of a dinosaur, and that apart from drugs and cruelty, the reasons for adoption in the past had almost exclusively to do with keeping a family's 'respect' in a Church, or a Community generally.........., and with no support from parents, or the baby's father, up until a relatively recent time, girls had no chance of keeping a baby.....

.but the thing with dinosaurs is that they can last a very long time........ and most men over 50 will have taken in this attitude to a greater or lesser extent..... because they have been brought up by parents who would have been in their thirties plus...... so that takes the attitudes back to those of Society during and before the war...... and well before birth control.....

The full sister of mine, who was adopted separately to me, was brought up with a 'brother' who was also adopted.....six years ago, when I found my sister she was 64, and it was a long time before she told her brother about us....... and when she did his attitude was that the whole thing was a very bad idea, she should have nothing to do with me, and he certainly was not going to meet me........from his own point of view, he viewed his own birth mother as probably 'a rather low class slut', whom he had absolutely no desire or interest in finding, or finding out about, or ever contacting....bear in mind that he too was into his sixties...

.... so terribly sad, as I said to my sister......somewhere is a lady who has no idea what happened to her baby son, does not know if he is well and happy, or if she has grandchildren.......etc..... as my sister has no children, and denies having any sort of maternal feelings,.............. she does not understand what it would be like to lose a child that way.....and she tends to view our mother in the same way as her brother views his birth mother........however I had traced our mother, and knew her for ten years, but it doesn't matter how much I tell my sister that our mother was a lovely person, my sister refuses to view her sympathetically at all........in fact my sister's views are very much the same as her brother's so I am quite pleased that our mother never met her........

Don't expect that any of this is much use to you Maisie .......but do keep coming back here for support, or a rant, or whatever ........

LA70
born 1944 - adopted 1946 - traced, and in frequent contact with birth family on both sides.......
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Re: Male Adoptees

Postby julie2009 » Fri Sep 18, 2015 11:37 am

Hi Maisie

There is a lovely lady on this forum called Cleo who may be able to relate to what you are going through.

One thought is possibly your son feels some guilt towards his a.mother and this could be the main reason for the delayed contact or it could be something totally different.

Hope you sort things out.

Julie xx
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Re: Male Adoptees

Postby maisie » Sat Sep 19, 2015 12:32 pm

Thanks, ladyarcher. It is indeed helpful to have your thoughts on what may or may not be going on beneath the surface contact with my son.

I tend to agree with you that in general men seem to find it difficult to stay in touch at an emotional level. I'm aware there are no easy solutions to this dilemma, more's the pity! It just is very painful living with the aftermath of losing a child to adoption.

My son did not get on with his adoptive parents while growing up, and though they are both now deceased I think he is still angry about the whole adoption scenario. While it is understandable, I feel it is a great shame that his experiences have the consequence of somehow preventing him from forming a deeper relationship with me. It means that I, too, miss out on having a rewarding reunion experience. I feel deprived of the chance to be a mother! And very sad.
I keep reminding myself that at least I do know he's all right, and there is always hope of change in the future. To begin with he did seem keen to have a relationship with me, maybe just to find out more about his background. But perhaps he is afraid of getting close and needing me and then having to lose me again. All I can do is stay in touch with him as best I can and see what happens. Thanks for listening. This forum is useful, and a great comfort at times.
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Re: Male Adoptees

Postby cleo » Tue Sep 22, 2015 8:01 pm

Hi Julie and Maisie,

Maisie from my experience with my son, i'd tell you...please don't push your son even though its very hard.... (i know i have been down the same path) but one day i got so frustrated i sent a text to my son to tell me exactly what was going on, did he want me in his life or not, after not hearing from him for 2 years...i finally got a message back saying not to contact him anymore and that he has had a wonderful upbringing with great parents, and that he was never looking for an intense Relationship with me, that i was to respect his wishes and to find closure knowing he was happy.

I cannot tell you the heartbreak that caused me, even after nearly a year on i try and understand his reaction towards me and i just go around in circles.

I was Lucky to have met him on a couple of occassions, well 4 days which were 9hours in total, even then when i came over to the uk i would ask if we could meet up, he'd say yes probably the weekend, then i would'nt hear from him until afterwards saying he was at a stag weekend with mates or doing something else, but when he knew the day i was going home he'd send a text saying can we meet up, which we usually would for about half hour, but on the last trip he did that it was too late i was already on the motorway, he sent back a text saying i was being unfair!!!!????

How was i being unfair, i waited for him to get in touch, and all i ever wanted was for him to be honest with me, but he hardly ever was. It was so frustrating especially when he said i was too intense!! again i cannot understand his point of view on this, as all i ever asked was if he had half hour to met up when he was free, then great, but if not no worries, but he'd say we could meet but then i hear nothing, i always got my hopes up, he was the one who came looking for me, he was the one who called me mum (twice on my birthday as well) he was the one who told me i was the best second mum he could of wished for...is that not intense on his behalf?

On our last meeting i knew i would never see him again, i had a horrible gut feeling, a feeling that he did not really want to be out with me, why, two things firstly when i smiled he did a goofy teeth impression (which shocked me at the time) but then it hurt my feelings, but at the end of our walk he sort of quickly said goodbye, when i got back to the house i just cried. I felt that he had had enough of me for some reason.

As LA said, i also think that maybe he thought he was getting too involved with me aswell, that his feelings were way above what he had expected because we got on so well, and yes i think loyalty towards his mum too and also his girlfriend.

I totally understand how you feel about being deprived, i too feel this, even today i was thinking i would probably be a very bad mum for him even after all these years (i know i am not a bad person) and i know i would love to be given the chance to be a grandmother (he now has two boys) which i miss out on.

My son told me in his last text to me, that he hopes i can find closure in knowing that he has had a fab upbringing at that he is happy and doing well.....Yes it is nice to know he is happy but the pain i feel will never go away and somedays i feel he only wanted to know me to find out about his past...i would like to think he wanted more, but as time goe's on i say to myself...we were never mean't to be. I would love to have any sort of contact with my son, but unless he opens his door, i will be left on the otherside..waiting...again......

Maisie, please please please do not rush your son, little contact is way better than no contact at all, whatever he is going through, we will never know the whole truth, as i found out, sadly my son was not 'man enough' to be honest with me about his feelings or other stuff he was going through, yet i was honest with him. Maybe me being so Young to be his mum had put doubts, like the couple who i asked to take a photo of us, and they said we make a lovely couple, my son got so embarrassed by that, maybe little things like that, like i said i go round in circles trying to understand but end up at the same place...there are no answers, adoption is a minefield for both parties, i really miss my son and his boys, but there is nothing i can do...the tears have dried up, but the deep pain he has caused will always lie deep Inside.

Sorry i have blurted on and on, i think you guys are used to me by now.
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Re: Male Adoptees

Postby maisie » Wed Sep 23, 2015 4:25 pm

I agree with you, Cleo. I would not dream of rushing my son or even being cross with him. It is up to him to decide if he wants contact with me. I just take care of myself the best way I can and hope that in future things might change and he may feel he wants to meet with me again, or at least speak on the phone. I was just letting off steam her really, about my sadness that male adoptees generally seem to find emotional contact so difficult. It is very painful and frustrating for me, as he is my only child. Society has changed so much since the 1960s. If it had happened today there is no way I would have lost him to adoption. Our lives could have been so different. I am sorry, too, that he had such an unhappy time in his adoptive family and never felt loved or wanted. But i am glad to know that he is happy now with his long-term partner. I would be interested to hear from other male adoptees about their experiences of reunion.
It's a shame there is no longer a forum where adoptees and birth mothers could meet up face to face and share experiences. Can be very lonely out here in the world where family life is the norm and folk like me feel left out in the cold. Let's hope we have a sunny autumn. Can't believe the equinox is here already. X
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Re: Male Adoptees

Postby cleo » Wed Sep 23, 2015 6:41 pm

Maisie,

Yes i fully understand you wanting to let off steam on here, i just wish i was more like you, but i got so frustrated in the end, i wanted to know where i stood in his life...and now i know.

I was thinking today after writing last night to you about how things would of been too if i had the family support back then, i was on my own wondering what to do for the best for my son at the age of 16 going through my exams, getting a job, then losing everything, that i finally decided to leave the country.

Would things of been different, i cannot answer that because, who knows?

I would love to be able to meet up, as often i think writing things down is good but sometimes the way we write things may be misinterpreted and trying to explain things are not always easy, i do not have a way with words like LA and some others on here.

I am saddened to know that your son did not have a brighter future with his a.parents, where'as my son adores his parents and has said he could'nt of asked for better parents.......which in my thoughts thinking today made me feel like i am a bad mother yet again!!

I understand how lonely you must be, i am also out in the cold like you. Apart from my husband, and this forum, i have nobody else to turn too, and after the last 3 years i have been through with my son, i don't really talk to my hubby about my feelings anymore, i keep them bottled up Inside, like i used to before my son came into my life.

Take care maisie
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