Moderator: AfterAdoption


Postby Josie » Mon Apr 20, 2015 3:45 am

Hi Cleo,

Processing intense grief and pain is one of our greatest challenges - there's no doubt about that.
Writing it all down and letting it out can help - that's certainly true.
It's so hard for you that you initially had a very warm and accepting reunion with your son - and he surely meant it when he said you are the best second Mum.
We never know what the future holds, we just have to try and stay in good shape to meet it - you never know what unexpected surprises await.
Hope you feel a little better dear,
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Postby julie2009 » Tue Apr 21, 2015 10:07 am

Hi Cleo

Sorry to hear about how you have been feeling lately. One day I am fine and the next it all comes back to me and I start to question myself what I did wrong.
I always remind myself I didn't do anything wrong and neither did you it is just one of those things. I just wanted answers but I think BM sister only told me what she wanted to tell me even though she insisted she would always tell me the truth. It will a year in August since I last heard from her. I see her daughters photos on FB and saw hers once while attending a concert in my hometown.

Watched a programme last night called Stalker and the storyline was the girl being stalked was the adopted daughter of a birth mum whose birth daughter had tracked her down and wanted to take the place of the adopted daughter and of course the birth mum had blonde hair. They always have blonde hair.
At one part of the story the birth mum told her to stay away from her daughter and the girl doing stalking said but I am your daughter too. The birth mum palmed her off saying she had tried to find her but her records had been destroyed. I turned to my husband and said I didn't believe her. In the end after the girl being carted off to some psychiatric unit to be assessed the birth mum commented did I make her like this and tried to talk to make her see sense. I know it is only a programme but in a way I understand how that person felt because after I made contact with my BM sister she sent me some photos and one of them was my BM holding her daughter who was born the following year after me. At the time I felt a bit hurt but reminded myself everything was done for my best interests and I keep telling myself that over and over again.

I think Cleo you should try and move on and if your son wishes to make contact at a later date it will be up to him. The fact that his partner commented he has a heart of stone makes me think he has little thought for other peoples feelings like your own but only time will tell. They say people mellow sometimes with age hopefully he will too.

Take care and hugs

Julie xx
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Postby cleo » Wed Apr 22, 2015 4:55 pm

Hi josie and Julie,

Thankyou both for replying, i was feeling quite down lately, i just have this deep 'hurt' Inside and cannot seem to get rid of it for the moment.

I am getting on with life and trying to keep myself occupied, but like today..there is a room in the house that reminds me everytime i walk in, of the moment i received the first email from my son saying he was looking for me and hoped i was the right person....after receiving that i went into the sitting room and just stared at the sofa saying to son has found me after all of these years of waiting.....

I know it may sound silly but that image will probably stay with me forever..;well as long as i stay in the house that is.

I also go over the text message he sent me telling me "again" to respect his wishes and no longer contact him again...but i never got a message before saying he wanted no further contact, otherwise i would not of spent money through the year gathering présents to send to my Grandson.

Josie, like you my son he would always be honest with me and that we would always stay in contact that we would have a lifetime of getting to know each other!!! HHmm

I do not know the series stalker maybe i should try and Watch it? Yes always blond for some reason ;-)

Sadly i was told by the ss never to go looking for my son, and that he would probabaly end up in another part of the country anyway...only to find out 30years later, that he has lived up the road from my parents, about 10mins away for most of his life, and being told finally by ss (when i tried to find out where his was buried, and they would not tell me, all they said was that yes he had died and if i wanted to find him then i'd have to contact the churches etc)................that at the time i was no threat to my son or his new parents because of my age at the time!!!

And looking back Julie, yes i think he has little consideration for poeple's feelings (i maybe worng) but its just that when his died and he found me just a year afterwards, he told me that his mum had a new 'man-friend'...apparently his mum told 'our' son that this man said he loved her..'our' son was not at all happy and he said that he had asked his girlfiriend to drive his mum back home, and that he had not spoken to her for the next couple of months!!! Its just little things that have stuck in the back of my mind, but looking back now probably were little inklings of how my son is.

I can imagine you being hurt by photos that you were given, especially a year after giving you up, what a shock...doe's your sister/half sister know about you at all? Its funny how poeple say they will tell us things, but at the end of the day...we don't know that much more, i do not know alot about my son because at the time i was worried about asking him to many questions thinking i would be prying...yet i told him all about me, what happened when i was younger, what i went through when growing up and living abroad leaving everyone and everything i loved behind because of what happened.

Sometimes i think i should be crated off to a luni asylum, i ask myself there are so many 'bad mum's' out there, drunks, drugs etc and yet their children still love them, yet me, i don't drink, i'm a 'normal' person, love the peace and quiet, not materalistic to the extent that i absolutley need the lastest iPhone...i still have my old phone from years past, i drive a very old vw, bless her, i do not have a fancy house, i just want to be happy in my little world, and yet things seem to always turn out wrong, like with my son...and i just cannot understand why its so difficult to be able to have a lovely Relationship with him and my very first Grandson too........i keep thinking that i must be such a bad person Inside, but i cannot see it...although i know this is not true, but some days thats how i feel....

I think maybe IF he did come looking for me again it will probably be when his mum dies.....she is 15 years older than me, but seeing as women live longer than me, she could live well into her 90,s

I guess my only hope is through my grandson in about 10 years time or so, who knows? But one things for sure, my son has hurt me very much, i now know he has broken my heart after all of this time waiting for him.

Josie, who knows what the future holds, i know deep down i will always be waiting.

Thankyou both for your input, i do really try to understand, and julie chin up i wish there was a way that all rejected adoptee's and birth mums could adopt each other, i know that sounds silly, but you would like a BM and i would like my son, but its not mean't to be for us and we have to go through such hard times to make amends.

Take care, sending you both hugs even only if they are virtual xx
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