frustrated.com

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frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Wed Jan 28, 2015 3:03 pm

Hi everyone,

Well i am getting on with my life as best i can, been ill with the flu the past 2 weeks though.
I did go away with my hubby and my dog just after Christmas, gave me time to think and try and sort out my emotions...not an easy task, but i am getting there, i am proud to say that i do not fall apart now when i see a photo

Anyway why have i titled frustrated.com

Well as you all know, my son said he felt uncomfortable that i was sending parcels when apparently he had asked me not too....which i still have not found a mail to prove this...anyway i would like to pick your brains on this or is it me being paranoid in someway.

My son said he feels uncomfortable with the gifts i sent for my grandsons birthday, yet a week ago he posted a photo of his girlfreind with my Grandson on a day out....and my Grandson was wearing one of the winter hats i had sent!!! Now i am confused, because if my son doe'sn't want me sending gifts then why post a photo with one of the présents i have sent...this is not the first time he has posted a photo...i think i posted a couple of months ago about the same subject but with another present in the photo, but thought maybe it could be my imagination ( and at that time not knowing that my son wanted nothing more to do with me)

Am i just looking far into this, what is my son playing at, i cannot understand the situation? sorry if i sound abit 'lost in space', I don't know what to think?

And i have seen a photo of my other grandchild too that my sons girlfriend has put on public on her fb page, another little boy....why now is she posting a photo for all too see, when for the past 2 years there has been nothing? surely she knows i am going to see it? Or maybe its her way to show me i have another grandchild? Or am i again looking far to ahead again.

Would like your views on this situation please........i did not get upset or cry, i just told myself, i can look through the keyhole and if something pops up then at least i know a teenyweeny bit about whats going on in my sons life...its not alot, just snippets, but who knows maybe with time he'll open up abit more?

Anyway we'll see, i have also opened a fb page for my Grandson, i would like to do a blog but not very good on internet so fb is an easier option for me at the moment,then maybe one day i can give the page to my Grandson so he knows i have been always there for him ;-)

Take care all and thanks for reading my blubbings, lol
cleo
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby ladyarcher70 » Fri Jan 30, 2015 8:29 pm

A long way back in your posts I remember you saying that you had a contact with the girlfriend, and that she had said your son was a rather 'shut in' person emotionally........and it seems pretty accurate as a description from her, judging by what you have had from him.......or rather 'not had' from him at all....... it is a great pity that you are not able to contact his a.mother.......I can see that you shouldn't do so, obviously........but one can't help feeling that she could have given you some insight into him, and some answers.....

Still..... you will have to make do with guess work, but my guess would be that the girlfriend feels your pain, and is putting stuff up for you to see........I'm not good with fb myself, but I understand from my kids that it is very easy to only have one's name on there, and absolutely nothing else........as far as the hat business goes, and the toy earlier ........ it may be that the girlfriend has told him not to be an idiot, and that it is a sensible hat.....or whatever......or it could be that he hadn't registered what the hat was like.......men aren't always great at remembering that sort of stuff....

....or it could be that maybe, just maybe, he feels a bit guilty, or a bit wanting to keep a connection, but at a distance, and on his comfort level ........so......anybody's guess really.......but I think if he were totally against you in all ways, then anything you sent would have gone straight in the bin, or to the charity shop.......so........as they say........'where there's life, there's hope...' The only thing you can do for your own sanity is to try and think on that line.......that it's possible at some time in the future he may renew contact......so if you are always available on fb.......and never change your mobile or main phone no. or address........he knows where you are.........if you do move in the future......plaster your plans all over fb ........and make sure you stay on the Govt. Contact Register etc......

LA
ladyarcher70
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Mon Feb 02, 2015 6:59 am

Hi LA

Thankyou for your reply, i thought maybe i was going slightly bonkers..looking to much into things!!

Many a time i have thought about tyring to look for his a.mum, i have an inkling of where she lives but thats all, there are times i think, because she was so honest with my son about being adopted then maybe she would like to know about me....but with how things have turn't out now with 'our' son, i'm not sure if i'll do even more damage...i don't see how thats now possible seeing as my son wants no further contact with me, but i guess i'm just living on hope now that one day he may try and re-contact...perhaps sadly the day something happens to his mum? But i feel as though his mum deserves to know who i am, i know my son never told her about finding me. Although his girlfriends mum knows!!

I thought too that maybe in some way his girlfriend posted one photo just to show the world (and me) a photo of their 2 boys together, like i said its not much, after 2 years of nothing on her page, you are right, i can see nothing else unless she or my son puts it on 'public' view......

My sons FB stays tightly locked nothing has changed but on his other social network he posts more often...its not alot but i do get snippets now and again, although now i do not go looking every day like i used too, i guess its like an addiction, slowly coming off, making the days turn into months etc?

Anyway i'm down to once a week, so not much of a stalker now, i do like the saying though, a stalker is when two people go for a walk in the park, but only one of you know about it!!!

My son knows what the hat is like because it was one of the presents i sent for my Grandson for his birthday end of november. I keep thinking along the lines too, that if my son really did not want the gifts then he would of given them away...and certainly not show a photo of my Grandson wearing the winter hat and posting it publicly...he could of easily have posted the photo but left the settings on private so only his friends and family could see, instead of putting it public for all to see!! So i guess a glimer of hope somewhere, i just thought maybe i was reading to much into it

Yes i think i have to play by his rules, he's the one who decides what is what, i'm certain now that my son is used to getting his own way and if not then he'll close down....it cannot be easy for his girlfriend but i guess because they have been together so long she plays by his rules.

Yes i am keeping my sanity close by, i nearly went off the edge a couple of times, but luckily i have a strong husband, and at the end of the day when all is said i done, i am strong too...if i was'nt i would not of gotten through all these years since the day i got pregnant with my son and faced the situation by myself at such a young age.

I am far from perfect i have many flaws, if i love, i love with all my heart, but if i don't like you, then nothing can change that, i will not pretend to like somebody...sadly this has got me into a few bad situations, but thats how i am, and if i trust and i get hurt, then i cannot forget. This is something with my son that will change if ever he comes looking for me again...sadly i will never trust him again with all my heart, i will keep my distance, by that i mean, i doubt now that i will give spontanious hugs or hold his hand when walking in the park.....which saddens me in a big way, because thats all iever wanted from my son, i am not a materialistic person, i would prefer to have a hug and a walk in the park compared to going out to a restaurant.

Which reminds me too that on one of our walks my son got quite muddy, so i said thats the difference between city folk and country folk ( i had my wellies on) we come prepared for walks and change our wellies for our shoes in the car.......On our next walk, my son had bought some wellies, i had to giggle, but it was a wise thing....so at least he has that souvenir too.

Oopppsss sorry i'm off on another road again, sorry LA.

And yes i will keep my détails the same although i am not on the govt contact register...is that just for uk résidents or can i apply to be on it from abroad?

Another thing if he did not want me to really contact him full stop, then why has'nt he blocked me on his mobile phone? As i was still able to send the last message for my grandson's birthday and i know he recieved it because i got the thingy that said message recieved. Anyway, i will not even attempt to send him any more text messages.

I finally know where i stand, thats all i wanted to know, at least now i can get on with my life in some way, and knowing that i did not end this Relationship, i just think its very sad and upsetting that my son did not think about the conciquences when he cmae looking for me, he had thought of all the worse case scenarios, but not the one that perhaps his birth mum has been waiting all these years to hold and hug him and tell him that she has loved him all this time and never ever forgot about him........i guess he was just not expecting it.

Anyway LA i hope that you and your family are well, and thankyou so much for just being there, i do appreciate all of you.
cleo
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby big sky » Mon Feb 02, 2015 5:17 pm

Hi Cleo

I am an adoptive mum and I can understand the pressures of "how can I (adopted person)cope with 2 families". Enough with wife/partner kids!!! I have learned to stand back and let my daughter find her own level. Keep in contact with "kind regards" I know the wanting to LOVE is so there . Slowly bach it will work out live your life happily then you will give from contentment.

Much love
big sky
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Wed Feb 04, 2015 8:33 pm

Hello LA and big sky

Big sky, its not been easy if you read my other posts what i have been through the past 3 years..two of those years total silence from my son, without any reason. Now i am back to where i was when i was 16, i am learning to control my feelings, althouhg i feel deeply hurt, i also feel some anger too, for perhaps trusting a person that i did not know really, and that all i wanted was to show how much i care about him...but thats not what he wanted. The sad thing is that i will also miss out on my grandsons growing up too.

LA, i checked out his other social network and 2 days ago he posted a short video of my Grandson playing with a toy i sent for his first Christmas, the same toy that was in the photo a couple of months ago!!! And now on his FB page, his profile photo that i could not enlarge, because of private settings, well today i was able to open it up and have a big photo!!!!

Even though i now wonder why the changes, i try not to look to far into this, and just feel a little happier that i can see some stuff now. Just wierd having nothing for 2 years, and now he's said that he wants nothing to do with me...he posts stuff on his social network??

In myself i am getting on with my life and not getting my hopes up anymore, my son has hurt me, i don't think he realises the pain he has caused since he came looking for me. I cannot change the way i feel, i love my son with all my heart, always have and always will.
cleo
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby Josie » Thu Feb 05, 2015 10:07 am

Hey Cleo,

Good to hear you are able to access little windows to your son's world and life.

You know, I feel your pain - there was a period of time in the first year or two , when my son withdrew for awhile and I suspected that he was seriously conflicted. What he wanted , his two mothers in his life - was not what he could have without some bad, bad shite going down.

It was hell for him, once he bravely decided to keep me in his life. His loyalty to his adoptive family was called into question and he was ostracised for a long time. Simple as that.
Thank God those terrible days are long since over.

It's not that easy for adopted people.
Sometimes they just can't have their dream life - it's too complicated and frightening for them, as it seems impossible to successfully juggle having two mothers......

Enjoy the photos on social media - you grandson is wearing your gift. Think about that.
I am :-)
Josie
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby Donotunderstand » Thu Feb 05, 2015 1:30 pm

My niece has broken off contact with us and, like you, I occasionally look at her facebook page. I get excited when she changes her profile picture and I save it on my laptop so that I can print it off.. I'd like to believe its for our benefit but I really don't think it is. I have met her adoptive mum and she doesn't understand why her daughter has cut herself off from birth family especially as her siblings who were adopted with her DO have contact.

Privacy settings have recently changed on Facebook and you have to change them back if you want to make them more secure. I think thats why you've been able to view more than before.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:07 am

Hello Josie and donotunderstand

Thankyou both, i wait and Wonder some days and ask myself am i looking too far into things when my son posts things..its never alot but it just seems that since he decided to tell me he wants no further contact, that more has been posted on his social network...ok its not alot, but the last two years of silence there were nearly no postings at all...i've had more photos and a couple of videos in the last couple of months than the last two years!!!! Go figure!!!

Like you donotunderstand, i do get quite excited when i see something new and copy and put in a file..and for security i also copy onto a usb stick...just in case my compter cracks up....i have my stick in my jewelery box, where i used to keep his gift that i held onto for 30 years and gave to him when we finally met up.

How old is your niece if you don't mind me asking...i never ever thought that adoption could be such a mixed bag of gigantic feelings, without any understanding on whats going on some days.....yet somehow manage to get through each day, hanging onto snippets of information. And reading everyone's different views too has helped me alot to understand whats probably going on.

Josie, i really don't know whats going on with son son, i know he has a deep loyalty towards his mum, and i know too that we both got on so well when we first met, maybe i was too much for him...but i guess looking back on things, the signs were there of a break up (so to speak) in the first year....when i came over i'd ask if we could meet up, he'd say ok for the weekend..then i would not hear from him until after the weekend saying he was away at a stag do.........well he would surely of known about that way before..so why not be honest and say sorry cannot make it, instead of leaving me hoping that i will see him...he did this on 3 occassions in all, the last time he did it, he sent a text on the morning i was going back home asking if we could meet up, but i was already on the motorway on my way home.

I sent a text back saying sorry but its too late i'm on my way home.....he texted back saying i was being unfair...how could i be unfair, i waited all weekend to hear from him, he knew day and time i'd leave to go back home!!! I cried all the way home (9hours drive!!)

When i got home i told him...who's the one being unfair, all i ask is too be honest with me....but for some reason he could never tell me straight out....until after 2 years of silence i gave him an electric shock...wierd really because i got a text back from him just a couple of hours later saying he wanted no further contact, he has had a great life and a wonderful family, and as for me i have to find closure!!!!

If only it was that simple, i am not a light switch that you can turn on and off, i do have feelings, sadly some days i wish i could iradicate the feelings i have, but thats not possible, he is my son and always will be.

I can fully understand that it cannot be easy for him, but he is old enough and smart enough to know my feelings and that all i ever wanted was to see him for a short time, and be honest whenever i came over...was it really too much to ask for...i now know the answer. I want to feel angry at him, about the way he went about things, but at the end of the day, i got to meet him and know he's doing well in life, very good job, fab house etc and wonderful upbringing......is'nt that what i wanted for him when i gave him up 33 years ago?

And yes Josie, i am thrilled i do see a photo of my Grandson with his winter hat on, i just cannot get my head around my sons comment saying that he wants no further gifts sent..yet posts a photo...of all the photos he could of posted, why one with my gift???

I am also glad to say my hubby doe'snt come home to find a total wreck anymore, its taken a while, but like i said once i know where i stand then i can adjust...it was the not knowing for the last 2 years that drove me bonkers.

Josie, i am so glad that your son has kept you in his life, maybe one day...maybe.....my son will come looking for me again, i will always be waiting....but if that doe's not happen then i guess my only hope is that my Grandson comes looking for me.....but thats a long way off and probably wishful thinking too..... i will just follow behind the scènes and enjoy the snippets...at the end of the day at least i have that to keep me going.
********************************************************************

A couple of days ago my son also posted a short video of my Grandson playing with a gift that i had also sent in his parcel.....its just so confusing, i Wonder is it to keep in contact in some way, or maybe he thinks i will not know about his other social network, and thats why he posts abot more on there?

But surely he knows i will try and find out about him somewhere, and he doe's use his name, so not that hard really! I just don't know, but i will enjoy these precious moments while i can.

Sorry i've been babbling on again, i do get carried away once i start...but just nice to be able to air my emotions on here as i have nobody else to turn too apart from hubby....poor thing.

Thankyou for all your input, and am glad i'm not alone and having these feelings or thoughts, i know we all act differently to situations, but its nice to know i am not alone.......

Take care everyone
cleo
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby Donotunderstand » Fri Feb 06, 2015 8:41 am

Hi Cleo,

My niece is 18 - she is the middle child and the one who seems to struggle most with her adoption. She was adopted with two of her siblings, there are two older ones who lived separately with aunts/uncles and the youngest sibling was adopted by us (we are also birth relatives). I asked her parents if she didn't want contact because of loyalty to them but they are adamant that she feels nothing for them. She made it clear she didn't want any contact from us but she signed a Christmas card which I asked to be sent to my daughter. To my mind this sends mixed messages but I didn't make an issue of it.

Can I ask what the other social networking site your son is on?
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Fri Feb 06, 2015 11:10 am

HI again donotunderstand,

Like your name, its a donotunderstand situation we both seem to be in, like you the last text message i got from my son saying he wanted no further contact with me, yet sign off with...love and then his name!!!

And now with the photos, i am trying to believe that his feelings are mixed up too, but the fact he fell silent for two years without a word, then finally reply to my text after i said i would come looking for answers (even though i would not of, because i was shaking like a mouse just sending him the text) i just Wonder that he must still have feelings for me in one way or another.

18 is a very difficult age, but being in the middle just seems a shame she cannot reach out to her other siblings who are older..doe's she have much contact with them?

What to do for the best? Good question...its anybodies guess because we all act differently to the situation, I try not to look too far into things, although easier said than done, but i am getting there.....slowly......

Yi find pictures/photos on Pinterest, although the page has changed abit i keep getting a sign up posting....whereas before i could look at his photos or things that interest him...i may join up, but have'nt decided just quite yet.

If anyone has any other internet ideas of where we could look i would appreciate it...i'm not a internet geek, so not too brilliant and working my way around...would like to do a blog for my Grandson, so that i make a page just for him so that later on in life he knows i have always been here, waiting. But not that good so have started a fb page instead.......although i do like the idea of a personal blog.

I'll see anyway...suggestions welcome.
cleo
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby Donotunderstand » Fri Feb 06, 2015 12:07 pm

Hi,

I started a blog on www.blogspot.co.uk about my camping but I didn't do it for very long. When the page opens up look in the top right hand corner where it says "create blog".

I am on pinterest but haven't looked at it in ages.

When the kids first made Facebook contact my niece quickly got her older sisters phone number and was phoning late at night in a distressed state which the older girl couldn't cope with, She asked her to stop and they now no longer have any contact.

My daughter has always known the oldest two and can get in touch with them anytime. She had letterbox with the others and

now facebook but she has learned the hard way that they will not respond to her unless they feel like it. We have met up with them a few times now and their parents have said that as they will also be 18 this year they can have contact independently of the parents.

I really "Donotunderstand" and read forums to try to make sense of everything.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Wed Mar 11, 2015 5:55 pm

Hello everyone,

Just having a "low" day today.....i cannot get my head around my son's reaction still...i know i have to accept this situation, but just find it wierd why he would put photos of my Grandson and how well he is doing etc...its not often, but still its for the public to see.

I accept the fact that i will never contact him again, i guess after 2 years of silence it was going to turn out like this anyway...he came looking for answers, i was honest in telling him, only for him to cut me off as if i never existed.

I have gone over a thousand times what i did so wrong, but apart from being totally honest there was really no reason for him to stop contact. But i guess his view on things were not the same as mine, and that our time together was too close for comfort for him...perhaps the loyalty towards his mum took over, i just don't know, but whatever his excuse, he has hurt me really bad. I feel torn apart after waiting all these years hoping and waiting, then for it to finally come true, only to be devastated just months afterwards. No happy endings for me.

Just needed to write this down again....why doe's adoption have to be so cruel, if only i knew more beforehand.
cleo
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Mar 18, 2015 10:01 am

You didn't do anything wrong.

I've been trying to think how it might be from my niece's perspective to understand why she doesn't want contact with us or her birth sister who she has never lived with. My niece and nephews were adopted at a young age (but not as babies). They have built a life with their adoptive parents and their extended family. They probably have no memory of their early years within the birth family. They are happy with their lives but because they have always had letterbox contact they become curious about their siblings. Social media makes it easy for them to contact the siblings directly. Extremely exciting! But after the novelty wears off they realize that they don't feel any connection to their siblings and aren't ready to work at making that connection. Their lives are happy, fulfilling, and among people they are familiar with and love. We feel rejected and disappointed but have to accept that the children have a life that we are not a part of.

It is hard to have been through what we thought was a reunion only to be rejected but I think we are fortunate to have any kind of connection even if it is just a brief view of their lives through a computer screen. At least we know they are healthy,have loving families, friends etc.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby Josie » Sat Mar 28, 2015 6:17 am

Hi Cleo,
Hope you are feeling stronger - there is so much to process for you.
Josie
 
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Re: frustrated.com

Postby cleo » Thu Apr 16, 2015 7:17 pm

Hi josie and everyone who has replied to my récents mails,

I have been trying to put things behind me, but yesterday for some unknown reason, i fell back into my time warp....thinking about the first few mails my son sent me and the first time we met, i was so happy but then it seemed my whole body just filled up with sadness and the tears just poured out.....i kept telling myself i should be happy that i know he is fine and doing well in life, but i also ask myself what i did so wrong for him to cut contact...i also tell myself that perhaps if i did'nt tell him everything he would of probably turned around and said something else to contradict...something like, you never show your feelings etc.....i just don't know

All i know is that i am hurting so much, my son has hurt me so much, i Wonder if he knows the pain he is putting me through, even after these last couple of years, i know i should put this all behind me, but thats easier said than done, i do go for months just having a little thought but it passes, but like i said, yesterday it was just over powering and i fell to pièces.

Will i ever get over this, the way he treated me, the fact that i can have no contact whatsoever with my grandsons, will they ever know about me?

Doe's he even care about how i feel, i just seem to always get things wrong, did i try too hard to hold on after all of these years of waiting for him....why say i was too intense when he himself said i was the best 2nd mum he could wish for, called me mum 3 times and told me he loved me too.......

But then i have a little voice (his girlfriend) telling me "he has a heart of stone" maybe i should'nt of taken that lightly at the time

I just needed to write this down....again....:-(
cleo
 
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