END OF MY JOURNEY

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END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby cleo » Sat Dec 06, 2014 7:48 am

Hello everyone

I thought i'd just say that i have had a text from my son, saying that he want no further contact with me and that he wants no more gifts or messages from me...i will explain in the week, as at the moment, even though i now know where i stand with him, i am totally heartbroken and more!!! ;-((
cleo
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby maisie » Sun Dec 07, 2014 3:19 pm

I'm so sorry to hear that, Cleo. I feel the heartbreak of your situation.

It is something I dread hearing from my son, though at the moment we do have occasional telephone contact. He is my only child, and although he has a partner there are no grandchildren. It is especially devastating in the run-up to Christmas, with all the emphasis on Family and Being Together. I start hiding away, and go quiet even among friends.
I did have some fantasy that after our reunion we would become close as family and spend Christmases together, or at least part of the holiday. It is not easy being alone and knowing it could have been so different if adoption had not taken place. I have missed out on family all of my life, and it doesn't get any easier as the years go by.

The grief of adoption is horrendous. I send you sincere and best wishes at this devastating time.
maisie
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby cleo » Sun Dec 07, 2014 4:21 pm

dear maisie,

your so right, this has not come at the best of times, butwe had our first contact 3years ago on the 4th december. I understand you going quiet, i do that too, i'm not even going to celebrating christmas this year, i am torn apart to be honest..;3 years ago it was the best Christmas ever, a year later nothing, and now total disaster, although my son wrote on his page just hours after sending me the text message that he was planning his christmas party!!!

I guess i was'nt that important to him after all, he only came looking for me to find out about his past...end of, yet all the promises he made in the first couple of months.....i just feel used now!!!!

I sometimes think too, would it of been easier if i had an abortion, maybe the pain would less....sometimes i also think it would of been better if he had never come looking for me, even though i hurt before, the pain sided as i knew nothing about him...but now he came into my life and then tells me i am no longer needed in his life...there are no words to tell you the pain i feel or how upset i am, i don't think my son realises the damage he has caused, or perhaps he doe's but doe'snt care!!! On top of that, histroy repeating itself, i will be missing out now on my grandson growing up, and not even being allowed to send him gifts anymore, how can somebody be so spitful knowing what i have been through these past 30+ years.

He wrote that he hopes i can now find happiness and closure.....i wish........how can i be happy having a son that has rejected me after knwoing how much i care about him, and as for closure, that will never happen, if there was closure i would of done that the day he was adopted.

Horrendous, yes and many more other words to add to that, but in a way i am relieved that i now know instead of playing the waiting game, i had to give him an electric shock to find out, it doe'snt make my life any easier, i have this gigantic hole in my heart and feel as though i am being dragged down to deepest hellhole you can find.

Asking myself all the time, what have i done to deserve being treated this way, i was always always honest with my son, maybe too honest....as the saying goe's "honesty doe's not pay"......

Thankyou for being there and listening, what will the years bring for me now....;-( i don't know, for the moment alot of sadness, when its supposed to be the season to be joly......guess i'll be a humbug
cleo
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby Josie » Fri Dec 19, 2014 10:49 am

Cleo,

Where can we start to somehow let you feel the tenderness of our hugs?
In time - the agony will pass into something more bearable....just hold onto that in the coming days and weeks.

So sad for you,
Love Josie.
Josie
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby cleo » Fri Dec 19, 2014 2:13 pm

Thanks josie,,

I don't know how i feel anymore, been going over a million times, i guess i was intense, by telling him how much i have always thought of him and how much i have loved him all these years without knowing what sort of life he has had.

I Wonder that if his life was'nt so good and not had fantastic parents, then maybe he would want to know me more?

Some days i feel angry at him and at myself thinking how could i have been so stupid thinking we would have a happy ending....i just don't belong in his life. I gave him away 30+ years ago, like one adoptee told me, i do not have the right to call him my son, i gave up that right when i had him adopted...maybe after all he is right?

But i cannot change the way i feel, some BM's don't care about their son or daughter and would prefer they never came back into their lives, but i'm not like them, i wanted so much to know about my son and get a glimpse and being told i was a grandmother for the very first time...how am i supposed to feel? I cannot just iradicate my feelings...i wish i could....

This is what i tell my husband when i get so upset.......i wish i did'nt feel how i feel, i wish i had a heart of stone (like my son, as his girlfriend told me) but i don't, the pain i had all those years ago and now going through it all again, there are no words how i feel...they change everyday, every hour, every minute of the day.

There are days i cannot control the pain i feel and i just burst out crying where ever i maybe at that moment.

I'm trying to get on in life, but honestly its hard...its hard knowing you had a son that has known about me since he was small, that has had time to prepare himself getting in touch with me, has known that from the very first contact that i have always loved him and thought about him, that knows how much i care about him and my very first Grandson.

That has known because i told him from the start, that i am an emotional person if i dare open up to him, that he knew i was honest with him about him being adopted and why i did what i did, that he knew that by calling me mum and saying i was the best 2nd mum , and even saying that he loved me too, then of course that would make my feelings for him more "intense" (thats how he calls it) but my love for him are purely a mother for a son that she has missed for the past 30 years, yes he got lots of hugs and held his hand on the few occassions i got to meet him...nine hours in all, the first 5 hours where on the first day we meet.

At the end of the day, i have to think that whatever i did, right or wrong, i have lost my son again, and i know i will never get the chance to see him again. He gave me a gift when we meet, sadly like i have told him now, (wether right or wrong) i cannot keep a gift from somebody who, well...there are so many things i could say, but better not. I have kept the box it came in to remind me of the emptiness that i will have from now on.

He is getting on with his life, i have to try and rebuild mine yet again.

I'm a tough old soul, but i have taken a battering, but i know i will never trust anyone with my feelings again (i'm not a trusting person as it is) but when my son came looking for me i gave him the benefit of doubt. More fool me!!!!

I take each day as it comes, at least now i know that i don't have to play the waiting game anymore.

Here is the message i sent , i guess i was too blame for the last episode, as i waited for a reply from my son, and seeing as the 4th of december was our 3rd year since our first contact, and 2 years of total silence on his behalf, i sent him a text saying:

that i hoped he was doing ok, but after waiting for 2 years with no reason why he cut me off, i told him that i would come looking for him next time i was in the uk, even though i did'nt know where he lived i would go to the footie club or the golf course (even though i don't know where he plays?!!) and i said if worsecase scenario i will wait outside his workplace.......that i am upset about not knowing what i have done so wrong for him to cut me off.

I think i hit his 'panic button' as a couple of hours after i finally got a reply...after 2 years of not hearing from him this is what he wrote.....i was shaking like a leaf when reading it:

hi, i recieved the parcel you sent from a from a friend i used to work with. Thanks for the présents its very kind of you however its not really necessary and i feel slightly uncomfortable that you are still contacting me and sending me gifts when i have asked you to stop.

it was lovely to meet you and i'm glad that i have had the chance to understand about my background and why i was adopted. I hope that you find some comfort in knowing that i have had a wonderful upbringing with fantastic parents.

However i was never looking for an intense Relationship which i feel that this has now become.

I ask you again to please respect my wishes. i wish you and your family well for the future and i hope that you can now find some happiness and closure in knowing that i am well and happy.

Love
--------

I wrote back saying:

Not once did you write that i had to stop sending gifts or that you wanted no further contact with me.....the last message i got from you was two years ago, when i told you i was over for a couple of weeks and i'd leave it upto you if you wanted to meet up or not

You sent me a message on the 6th january, saying "thinking of a good day" that was 2 years ago. Then nothing. I never mean't to be 'intense' with you, i was just so happy to finally have you back in my life, i'm sorry.......

I will respect your wishes now i know how you feel, but always remember i will always care about you and that you will always be my little boy. Lots of love, take care, Goodbye x
*******************************************************************

I just wondered why he would put Love and then his name at the end of the message, surely if he wnated nothing more to do with me then he wuld just sign off with his name?

Anyway, no matter how many times i go over my situation, it will not bring my son back, i know he's doing well....but asfor closure, sadly that will never happen, one door shut but then another opened, why doe's adoption have to be so complicated and upsetting?
cleo
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby Josie » Fri Dec 19, 2014 7:34 pm

This is and will be a painful time - we can hear your anguish.

Your son has written in the best way he can - it must have been a difficult text to frame and send.

I feel the agony of your loss - and one can sense your son's concern, he sounded respectful and caring, but firm in his request for no further contact.

He hoped that you could be comforted in that at least knowing he has had a good life, great parents and is happy -.perhaps something that you can focus on in the future.

But for now, let yourself take the time to grieve...... But please, please do not let it eat you up and spoil your own life.
It's hard for work our husbands when they see heir wives in such distress...perhaps you and your husband can arrange a break together - do something you both love?

I've been through seasons of what felt like relentless grief and pain....keeping myself sane meant snatching opportunities to do something fab, focusing on a friend's needs, keeping "involved" with something... I have to admit, too often I let myself get thoroughly overwhelmed by pain, but somehow -.these things pass, they truly do.

You sound like a trooper Cleo - go out and treat yourself and your lovely husband - give yourself some relief.
And when the pain comes back, allow time to sit with it - but don't allow it to fill up every waking hour....
Keep healing your mind and heart with little bursts of good things.

Hope this doesn't sound glib or trite - but just want you to take care of yourself and yours.
Josie
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby cleo » Wed Dec 24, 2014 11:10 am

Hi Josie

Thankyou for your reply, sadly my son has had two years to think of our situation, i cannot understand how we could be intense as we have'nt had any contact...but it doe'snt matter now, i cannot change things, i had my chance and i blew it, i have to face the hard fact that i will never see or hear from my son again.

Yesterday i had a breakdown, I got up in the morning came downstairs for a coffee, then for some reason i just burst into tears uncontrolably......my husband tried to comfort me saying i should try and leave my ghosts in the past, but i said i wish i could but how am i supposed to feel knowing i can no longer send présents to my Grandson, my husband said that he is not my Grandson, i have to get a grip on the relationship with my son, that he wants nothing more to do with me, whatever his reasons....i cried back, but he is my Grandson.......and then i had an argument with my husband. We went all day not talking to each other it was horrible, as my hubby is the only person who has always been there for me. I have had to tell him too that nobody else knows about my son, and that my parents never acknowledge him when he was born etc, and certainly not him contacting me. My husband was surprised by this, i told him that the only people i have to talk to are all of you on this forum.

Last night i wrote a letter to my husband saying how sorry i am and trying to explain how i have been feeling these past 3 years....i know i get emotional and he understands this, but he is also a 'matter of fact' person that in the beginning he did say i would get hurt if i open up to my son, that after all these years it was because may son had to find out for some reason...the reason with his A.dad dying i reckon is what gave him the push to come and look for me.

This morning I talked to my husband and he thinks that its normal my son doe'snt want to continue as he has his own life to lead, and perhaps me being part of it was not in his equation, seeing as he has'nt even told his a.mum about finding me. He has a different lifestyle to us, that i have to try and let go now knowing he is well and the choice i made was the right one.

I guess i just cannot come to terms with what he said to me when we first meet, calling me mum, saying i was the best 2nd mum he could of wished for, saying i was a grandmother, and saying that he loved me.......i just feel hurt thinking that maybe he only said those things in the heat of the moment, did he really mean it?

Why too, show photos on another social site of the présents i have sent in the past if he is so bothered by me sending gifts? I just cannot understand his actions to be honest.

Maybe i should'nt of sent the text saying i would go looking for him, maybe then i could of continued sending my Grandson gifts without knowing exactly what my son was feeling. I have been through all my mails and have found no message saying he wanted no further contact and no présents, i'm so confused by it all.

I know i have to let go now and try and get my life back on track, i do do things with my dog and hubby, but there is always a moment in the day or evening when my brain goe's into over-drive.

Yes i will get through this again, i have no choice, there are times when i feel i should give up, but i'm not a quitter, my son is the way he is, he seems to be a spoilt child from what i see on his social site, he goe's out alot doing his hobbies while his girlfriend seems to be at home or at her mums house, the first inckling of this was when we were at the park his girlfriend came to meet me with my Grandson as well, it started to rain so she went back to their car with the buggy, and struggled to get the pram folded up, but my son did'nt go and help her! Its probably me being paranoid but at the time i was abit annoyed with him that he did'nt help her, although i kept this to myself.

Josie how doe's your husband support you? Do you have other members of the family that know about how you feel?

Not looking forward to tomorrow but i will do a meal for myself and hubby, but no présents and no tree, no sending a text message to my son either.....then we are going away for a break as it will be my sons and then my birthday....alot to try and control over the next couple of weeks.

I will be strong, i have been down this path before, but never thought i'd be repeating the same thing 30+ years later....all i ever wanted was to love my son and show how much i care about him......he doe'snt need that... i know that now. He has his wonderful family.

I thought i would share this song with you all, take care everyone.

http://youtu.be/KG9dw7SeW6o

just click on the link, thankyou all for being there for me i really appreciate the help, advice and kind words x
cleo
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby Josie » Sun Jan 04, 2015 6:29 pm

Dear Cleo,
I really hope you managed to get through the Christmas season and New Year with some moments of light relief...

One day at a time dear,

((((Hugs))))

Josie.
Josie
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby cleo » Mon Jan 19, 2015 9:11 am

Hello Josie and everyone

Well i've been away with hubby, had alot of time to think but sadly even though the pain has lessened i still feel so hurt Inside, although i manage to try and see the brighter side of things and just tell myself that this was just never mean't to be, i had the chance to know that my son is alive and well and that he has a happy life...i just have to move on, hubby says i cannot stay stuck in the past again even though its caught up with me...he says that what i have been through he cannot imagine, but that i am strong and i will get through this again. He certainly has been my rock these past 3 years.

Well i did 'not send any birthday wishes to my son although i thought about him most of the day, then i spent my birthday in bed in the flu...ha great way to spend my 50th!! But then again whats a number!!

I sincerely wish all of us on here a better year, whatever it may bring to us all individually, you have all been a great bowl of fresh air when i come on here just to let off steam or just to ramble on about how i'm feeling, i guess for people who are not in the same situation they find it hard to understand our feelings and why we act or think like we do.....

I will continue to come here as i know i will have more things to write over the year and have made some lovely contacts, with whom have helped me see another side of my story in a way, i guess i had my own path, like a horse with blinkers, only seeing what was in front of me and not look at other views, so thankyou all, lots of love x
cleo
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby sylvie » Sun Jan 25, 2015 5:36 pm

Hi Cleo

What comes across from your posts is how much your husband loves you and supports you.
Also, how strong you are, to have faced such profound hurt through much of your life, and culminating in recent events.
I hope you will face the future feeling proud of who you are, and that you faced and withstood such immense and devastating emotional pain. You deserve happy times, and you have a rock beside you - I hope you and your husband will enjoy some lovely times together ahead.
Thinking of you xx
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
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Re: END OF MY JOURNEY

Postby cleo » Wed Jan 28, 2015 2:42 pm

Dear Sylvie,

Thankyou for your kind words

Yes i have a lovely hubby, even though he's no romantic he is very down to earth but always seems to put me back on the right path, like i do with him.

He knows how emtional i can get if i dare open up to somebody, i usually keep my distance from people, i have had people step on my toes from an early age, so am very cautious of people now. But like i said with my son i opened myself up to him, i even have a mail saying that i was worried that if i opened up then perhaps i was letting myself in for being hurt badly...my son said he would never hurt me in that way! i also told him never to make me promises that he could not keep (eg, saying we would always be in contact)

Well i did get hurt again by the very person who said he would'nt.........i he did break hs promise, one of many actually. Maybe i expected too much from him adn in the heat of the moment he just wanted to say the things he thought i would like to hear after all these years?

Anyway i have to put it all behind me now, i am moving forward...i don't check out my son's other social site as much now although i will be writing a new topic in a minute.

I have plans with hubby, a sort of bucket list that is starting to take shape, i have decided that i have to think of myself now with hubby and my dog ;-)

And i will not say forget, but more of, leave behind the people who do not have time or do not want me in their lives.....i'm ok now with that, like i said i'm a person that as long as i know where i stand then i can get on with things...with my son, i hung on for so long because i had'nt got a straight answer from him....but now he's had the courage/guts after a general shock from me, he has finally told me what he wants, i can move on in some way. And the voice of his girlfreind reminding me what she said the first time i saw her, was that my son has a heart of stone!! I did'nt want to believe it but she was right.

I still cannot explain the immense pain i have felt and still feel after all of this time, sadly a pain that my son will never realise, or the damage he has caused along the way....i'm so Lucky to have an understanding husband, there were times i thought that i might lose him too because i was so wound up in my emotions and i had no way of controlling them...but we have come through this, it has most probably made us stronger as a couple too because now sometimes my husband leaves me little notes in the morning before leaving for work, or he'll give me a spontanious cuddle or just a kind word.

My husband saw the pain i went through, i remember even before my son found me, that we would see a programme about children or adoption or anything related, i would get abit upset, and my husband would always say, perhaps one day your son will come looking for you....i used to reply that knowing his age if he knew about me that he probably did'nt want to know me by now.

And then one day i get a mail saying i am***** i was adopted in 1982 and am looking for my birthmum, which i think maybe you....
I let my husband know and said what should i do, he said, reply, so i did...then the rest is history ;-§

Oh dear seems as though i have gone off course again, lol

I will write on a new topic now, take care dear sylvie and thankyou for your kind words, its nice to knowi am not alone with how i feel and what i have been and what i am going through x
cleo
 
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