Organising a meet up -

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Organising a meet up -

Postby Donotunderstand » Sat Nov 22, 2014 12:07 pm

So frustrated!! In accordance with the other adoptive mum's wishes we had two meet ups last year plus she wanted our usual contact letter. I wrote this years letter at the agreed time in June and we had a meet up in July, I sent her a message through Facebook (her preferred method of direct contact) in October politely asking when our second would be but didn't get a reply. So I texted her and was told that they have been busy but will try to make time for us. Bearing in mind that they were the ones who broke the official contact agreement by making the Facebook contact I feel that we are being very restrained in not trying to make more of the relationship than they're prepared to give.

So, as my daughter is understandably upset by this I thought I'd arrange an afternoon out locally for her and her older brother and sister. I got in touch with sister first who promised that she would check her other halfs work shifts and get back to me with a date. After waiting two weeks I followed up with a gentle nudge and was promised a date the next day. A week later and.....still nothing.

I know people have busy lives but how sad that none of them can consider their little sisters feelings in all this. I feel like letting rip to all of them but although it might make me feel better I suspect it wouldn't do any good. :-(
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby Turtle » Sat Nov 22, 2014 3:51 pm

I can understand your frustration Donotunderstand. Whatever happened to good manners? Why can't people answer questions nowadays, particularly as it is so much easier with texts and emails. It is so much harder when it is your daughter involved. It is one thing to mess around an adult, but a child. It seems so much more unfair.

The problem is, that if you say something, they might dig their heels in further and not agree to meet up at all.

Does your daughter have direct contact with them on facebook? If so, perhaps she needs to say that she is either, upset by them not committing to a date, or take the other approach, and say how much she wants to see them as they are so important to her. Maybe refusing her directly would be harder for them.

It is a tricky situation. The shame of it is, that in a few years, when they are older and wiser, they will probably really regret not making an effort. At least, when your daughter talks to you about it, she will see that you made every effort to try and keep her involved with them, and that will be incredibly important to her. So, however hard it seems and however much it seems to get you nowhere, I would still try and make the effort for her sake. After all, to you, she is the most important person in all of this, so just focus on the fact that you are doing all this for her, even if you don't get the results you want.
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Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby Donotunderstand » Sat Nov 22, 2014 4:08 pm

You'd think it would be so easy to casually send a message through Facebook wouldn't you. My daughter has tried off and on for the last two years but they just don't respond. When I told their mum she said that they don't always reply to messages especially if they don't interest them! So thats ok then is it!!!!!

I have sent a message to mum telling her that my daughter would like to see them and explaining our disappointment at their lack of contact and telling her that I wished they'd kept to the original letterbox arrangement so that at least my daughter had a letter to keep. I have asked if they can send a Christmas card if that would be easier for them. Hopefully that lets her know what I feel without being too critical of her children.

Although my husband and I are very cross about the way our daughter is being treated we are careful not to show it in front of her - I do not want her to become bitter.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
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Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby cleo » Sat Nov 22, 2014 6:22 pm

Dear donotunderstand,

I feel so sorry for you all and your daughter, good manners these days seem to have flown out the window, especially with the easy contact via FB twitter or email, sms etc, the fact we don't even have to face the person, YET when you ask there is no reply, you wiat and wait, but still nothing.

Sadly i have been there too and now it will soon be 2and half years i've been waiting for a reply.........sorry don't want to put a damper on things, its really sad, but what can you do...get angry, but how will they react? like you said perhaps dig deeper and keep their distance or probably blame you afterwards for keeping on (even though you are not, you only want a reply)

Its a very hard situation, i hope with all my heart that they send your daughter a card for Christmas, a jesture in some way...i'm hoping against all hope that i will hear from my son, but i guess i know deep down that i won't.

Take care a hugs to your daughter
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Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby Donotunderstand » Sun Nov 23, 2014 9:40 am

Thanks Cleo, I know you are dealing with a similar situation. I suppose its harder for you and us because the contact was made by them and its difficult to know why they did it if they don't want to keep it up. I guess with the children it was just because they could and the secrecy must have appealed to them. Once it was out in the open they lost interest. I gather that they were driven by one of the boys who was keen to get in touch with his older brother and my daughter just got caught up in it. I'm not going to let it drop though, I will nudge the mother every few months. Once they are all 18 (next year) I will contact them direct - not too often, just enough to keep the connection going.

I hope that one day your son will get back in touch.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby Donotunderstand » Sun Nov 23, 2014 6:41 pm

After taking the bull by the horns and sending messages I finally have one (non adopted) sibling coming over next weekend and the other is a "don't think I'm free but will let you know" Adoptive mum has replied (hooray!!!!) and has suggested a date between Christmas and New Year. She will send my daughter a Christmascard through the proper channels from the children.

Finally some progress but why does it have to be so hard.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm

Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby ladyarcher70 » Mon Nov 24, 2014 3:13 pm

Well done you,for keeping at it........your daughter is at a particular age when slights go very deep, and last a long time......my two boys from my first marriage were 11 and 12 when excluded by their father, from attending his third marriage.......the girl he left me for, dumped him......lol...... anyway, although the boys are now 45 and 46, it still rankles with them, after all these years.....one won't have his father's name mentioned at all, the other did make an effort from time to time over the years, but with no response, or only a 'bread and butter' response......of course they had been at the forefront of my second marriage, to my lovely husband who was, and still is, a better father to them than theirs ever was.......

LA70
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Re: Organising a meet up -

Postby Donotunderstand » Wed Dec 03, 2014 8:25 pm

Thanks LA. My daughter enjoyed her catch up with her sister and is looking forward to her next meet up with the others. We try to encourage her to accept that it is what it is and there's not much we can do about it but I do agree that these slights can be long lasting. I didn't have a good relationship with my dad after he left us and those feelings continued right to the end although we did keep in touch so I am anxious that she doesn't feel the same way about her siblings.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
Donotunderstand
 
Posts: 173
Joined: Sat Sep 01, 2012 7:07 pm


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