Heart sank this morning

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Heart sank this morning

Postby cleo » Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:50 am

Hi all,

I have been trying to keep myself busy, trying not to think too much about my son, but still having a peep to try and find things out about him, and this morning my heart sank.......

He posted a photo of my Grandson but also his new born, although i say newborn he/she doe'snt look new born probably already quite a few months old, sat in the baby cosy next to my Grandson in the car, its abit of a fuzzy photo, but i feel gutted, stomach has dropped, feeling all different emotions.

I just cannot understand why something so important in his life he cannot even send a little note or text to say hi your a grandmother again...i don't know, i guess he has totally shut me out of his life, i am not important enough for him anymore.....i guess this is where i draw the line and cut the cord....but how...i have my grandsons package ready to send off for his birthday in a couple of weeks time.

Please i need your advice now, what should i do...still send the package, i don't know where he lives so will send it to his work place. Should i put anything in for the baby, although i'd rather he did'nt know i know in case he shuts everything down so i cannot have a peep!!

Should i just carry on oblivious to what is going on in his life and just send my grandsons parcel with all his goodies i have collected over the year. Maybe, just maybe my son will text at the end of the month? Although he did'nt do that last year when i sent a parcel,i know it arrived as it was recorded delivery. Do i even send a parcel now, or do i just let go......but i want my Grandson to know i am here and think of him all the time tooand also that my son realises that he and my Grandson are important to me.....or am i just torturing myself doing this?

Gosh, what a way to start a sunday morning, although i guess deep down i knew one day i maybe would get a glimpse, although when i saw a photo of his wife pregnant i was beginning to think maybe it was an old photo of when she was having my Grandson.

Thanks everyone for listening to me, i feel as though i must of been such a bad person for him to ignore me like this, i just cannot understand his heart of stone........

OK will try and carry on with the day, but going to be hard now
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Re: Heart sank this morning

Postby julie2009 » Mon Nov 03, 2014 3:34 pm

Hi Cleo

Just read your message. To be honest I would go ahead and send the parcel to his place of work as you have no other address to send it to. I wouldn't mention the new baby for the time being just to see if he contacts you again and mentions it because if you send something for the baby he will automatically try to figure out how you knew and as you say he could close everything down as you will never get to find out how he is.

If you don't hear back from him after you send the parcel I would leave things as they are Cleo as it would appear he doesn't wish to keep in contact.
I know that might sound harsh but there is no point in torturing yourself over all this. I did the same and only realised I don't need my BM sister after all we would be strangers to each other. It is tough Cleo for both parties involved.

Cleo remember you are not a bad person but a very sensitive one. It is just a complicated situation you have found yourself in and now the ball is in your son's court.

I really do hope he makes contact when he receives the parcel. Fingers crossed

Julie xx
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Location: co. antrim

Re: Heart sank this morning

Postby cleo » Mon Nov 03, 2014 7:41 pm

Evening Julie,

Thankyou, i did have intentions of sending my Grandson his parcel as its the only way that my son will know that i care about them both even though he has shut me out. I know, i doubt that i will not hear back from my son, i did'nt last year either, sadly.

I know i should let go, and i have in a way, as i do not even try to contact him,only on his birthday or grandsons birthday, now it is 3 years since we both had contact, i know he wanted space but 3 years is surely enough time to get your head around the situation, we were so close when we first met, but then the sudden cut-off....i cannot help the way i feel about him, but i have made some closures on our relation, but like i said little things crop up as i try and search. I just cannot understand his attitude, i know at the beginning his girlfriend said he had a heart of stone, and even though i sent her a letter at the beginning asking what went rong, i never heard back from her either, she was the one that did the search for finding me, so surely she knows how i must be feeling? I just don't know anymore, i have lost all faith to be honest.

I have grown into a very sad person since the last 2 and half years, by sad i mean always getting upset over the slightest things, i wish i did'nt feel this way, i wish sometimes my son never came looking for me, life was "easier" just knowing i had a son out there, but now ;-( i think of him every day, Wonder what he's upto, how my Grandson is growing up, he will be 4 at the end of the month.......

I know the ball is in my sons court, i did tell him that whenever he wanted to get back in contact, i will be here waiting, like i had been the 30 years previously. I'm so afraid to even attempt to approach him now, in case he rejects me yet again.

I was thinking of putting a letter in the parcel too, but really don't know what to say, without being to "wanting" or pressure him in some way, i just don't know.

I have everything crossed but as things stand i would be very surprised if there is any sign from him, after all how insensative can a person be after having another child, knowing i would love to know i am a grandmother for the 2nd time, or maybe i should not call myself a grandmother as he already has 2, maybe i should'nt be looked upon as a relation in whatever way, i even feel guilty now that i call him my son, even though he is, what give me that right, if you see what i mean, he has his mum.

Like i said in another post, my emotions are all over the place again, i don't know where i stand or what rights i have to be part of his life....

Thankyou Julie, and i hope that things are sorting themsleves out your end xx
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