Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

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Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Wed May 21, 2014 5:45 pm

Hi all,

Just needed to write and help ease the pain i'm feeling at the mo....i was looking up some names and came across something my son was selling on eBay, by chance it is him and so i looked at the items he was selling...only to see a apart of his girlfriend in the background (photo of top body and lower body)....looking overly pregnant, looks like she'll be due soon......

I know its her...i still do not know exactly where he lives but seem to be getting closer,but it was the fact that maybe i will be a grandmother again, and i know nothing about it...ok some people will say that i never knew about my son and his life before he found me...but now i know about him, the pain is just too much to bear some days and today has hit me hard, i'm in tears......how can he be like this.

There have been days (before i saw this photo) that i thought i'd send him a text to say how much i miss him and that one day when i have enough courage to face him, i will come looking for him..........Is this Wise or not? i thought of going to find him at his work place and wait until he finishes work, but so scared of how he will react if i did do that.

I just want to know what i did or said wrong, even though i have read other forums, but its so hard to comprehend. Am i being selfish, should i just let it be and "pretend" nothing ever happened, that i have to accept he doe'snt want me in his life..........

i'm hurting so much, what did i do so wrong?
cleo
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby sylvie » Wed May 21, 2014 9:31 pm

I'm sorry it's so painful Cleo, truly. x
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Thu May 22, 2014 5:55 am

Thanks sylvie,

I had a terrible night, hubby came home and found me in tears, something i have'nt done in a long time, he asked me what was wrong (although he knows when i'm like that what the problem is- i don't want to burden him with my pain, so i do try and hide it, but there are days like yesterday when the tears just flow and i cannot control how i feel) i thought i had things under control!! i guess not and thats the down side of internet too ( we find things that maybe we should leave well alone?)

I cannot help the way i feel about him, sometimes i feel i wish he never came looking for me, in a way it was alot easier to live with, but now i find myself looking for bits and pièces trying to grasp, i suppose at little snippets of his life.

At the beginning he told me that he was scared to look for me before in case i ever told him that i regretted having him, and that i might reject him, there are times when i think maybe it would of been easier to have done that, but sadly i'm not like that with him, and now he's the one who has rejected me, even though he said that too would never happen.

I guess in a way in put my trust in a complete stranger, and being honest with him was probably not the best solution? On a forum there was ab.mum who said its like having a big hole in the heart...YES a massive hole at the moment, i just wish i could do something, i wish i knew if he felt as upset as me or maybe he's angry at me, i don't know.

I have lost out (through my fault as i gave him up all those years ago, as one adopteé pointed out to me!!) i have lost out on seeing him grow up and thought i'd have the chance to see his own son grow and now another grandchild that will probably never know i exist either, how much pain can a person bear?

I,m not a bad person i just want my son and to hold him in my arms and cuddle him so tight,why is that so hard for him to understand, we got on so well, i just don't know how to feel anymore, he has hurt me so much by his actions and its the not knowing what i've done so wrong, i know i maybe repeat myself on this, but i just wish he'd tell me....
Sorry to go on, but i can't help the pain i'm feeling, life is cruel, i thought i was doing the best thing for my son, but we will pay for the rest of our lives the decision we made back then....good or bad
cleo
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby sylvie » Thu May 22, 2014 9:45 am

Dear Cleo

I know the depth of your grief, and many other women in our position - with sons or daughters adopted away from us and into different families - know it too. You aren't alone, although I believe only those who share this experience truly understand the depth of the almost unbearable pain.

My son and I reunited some years ago, and in many ways it has gone very well (although it's had its difficult and painful moments, and it needs much sensitivity as nothing is ever taken for granted. Plus, we are both individually very hurt people, hurt by the experience of adoption in different ways).

However, I also experienced almost intolerable grief, and still do at times.
Having a good reunion doesn't spare you from such pain. How could it? No mother and child can be parted without great pain to both - that is my belief, and observing the human and animal world around me confirms that. We are meant to be closely bonded, and are made for it.

At the time you and I were young and pregnant, society maintained that adoption was undoubtedly best for our kids. No-one questioned this, or if they did, their questions never saw the light of day.
Like almost every mother, we wanted our children to have the best chance possible in life. We also believed we were irrelevant to our babies, and that mothers could be swapped about without any harm at all to anyone, least of all our babies.

Those children, our children, grew up. And the Internet got invented. And for the first time we could hear what many of them felt about being adopted. That it hurt, deeply. That it was beyond comprehension that they were given up by their mothers. That such an action hurt them profoundly.
The first time I heard this, I couldn't believe it. It was so contrary to what I'd been told, by experts all those years ago. I thought my son would be happy, and that I wasn't at all important to that happiness. That, in fact, all I'd do was destroy it if I kept him.

What we also heard was other women in our position, and the similarity of our stories and of the things that were said to us to convince us to relinquish our children.

What I am trying to say, Cleo, is that perhaps you didn't do anything wrong during visit with your son. Perhaps his reaction is about being given up for adoption.
Perhaps his actions are expressing something about his feelings about that.

You and I know the kind of pressure young women were under to give up their babies, we understand that and we understand our motives.
But I think perhaps our adult children hurt deeply about it, and no understanding by their heads (even if that were possible) can help with the painful feelings they have about being given up for adoption by us, their mothers.

I say this not to make you feel bad, but to try and understand the situation. One which time for a deeper understanding, through experience or reflection, may or may not change.

You must forgive yourself, Cleo.
And try to understand how things might feel from his position.
Of course, without him telling you, you can't truly know, but that's where the experiences of other adopted people can give a clue to the possibilities of what's going through your son's mind.

Reunion brings grief no matter what the outcome. Some say that is the purpose of reunion - to enable grief-stricken mothers and grief-stricken adult children to express their profound grief at being ever separated from each other.
Grief is expressed in so many ways - anger, indifference, antagonism and illness are just some. The depth of your crying is one, perhaps your son's recent actions are another. I think you've thoroughly looked over the events of the day when you saw each other, and I think you're stumped because the reason for his actions aren't there.

I am only guessing at what his reasons are, Cleo, because he hasn't said.

I think you may be experiencing the grief that arrives with reunion no matter what the outcome, with that being compounded by the grief of his loss a second time.
WIth the former, you can get help via very good counselling (possibly grief counselling - perhaps After Adoption could help with contacts for that).
With the latter, I don't know what you can do as we simply cannot make other people do what we want them to, and if we rely on them for our happiness, we are blown about by their feelings.
His feelings and actions towards you may change with time, but you can't base your wellbeing on that. Counselling can really help - it did for me.

Cleo, I know how painful this all is for you. You aren't alone, honestly. x
Last edited by sylvie on Fri May 23, 2014 9:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby ladyarcher » Thu May 22, 2014 11:16 pm

It's desperately difficult, Cleo, to find any words that can be of comfort to you ....... probably they do not exist.

I think that what Sylvie says is likely to be very accurate ...... that your son is perhaps reliving his feeling of abandonment. This feeling will not have been what he expected to happen, it is unlikely that he has ever actually given voice or rational thought to it. Being a man, he is dealing with it in the way many men deal with things, by shutting the door and pretending that this 'room' does not exist. Furthermore, if he also locks the door, by not responding, he not only shuts you out, he stops you opening the door and coming in again.......maybe I have stretched this metaphor too far ...... I hope not.

What Sylvie says is so sad, in that she, and you, and many many other mothers thought they were doing the best they could for their babies.......for them to find out that this was not how it was seen by the 'babies' must be devastating...... they have, in effect, made the greatest sacrifice a mother can make, only a whisker short of actually dying for their child, and that sacrifice has, in many cases, rebounded, been misunderstood, and been thrown back at them....

...Sylvie and her son have, at great effort, managed to work their way through this....it is an ongoing process, but it must be understood that there is great pain on both sides.....and Sylvie makes it clear that 'having a good reunion....' does not spare either one from the pain. There is the pain that she felt, and that you felt Cleo, in the actual giving up of the baby.......there is the ongoing pain, for years and years, of being without the baby. Then there is the renewed pain on discovering that the child too, was in pain, the very pain that you had thought it would not have.

It may be, Cleo, that your son cannot bear your pain ...... pain he did not understand that you would have ...... it may be that because he now has a child, and another apparently on the way, that he can now begin to imagine what you felt.......I don't know, and of course one cannot guess, what he is thinking...... it may be that he is working through an 'anger' at a society that, in the past, deceived both the birth mother, and in fact also deceived the adopting mother too, by saying that it didn't matter who 'mothered' a baby, as long as someone did...... because we adoptees have to acknowledge that adopting mothers were also 'sold' this idea, and they are in a sense victims of adoption too.......

Society commits many crimes in the name of 'doing good', and adoption as it used to be, is certainly one of those crimes......

My offer, Cleo, still stands

LA
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Fri May 23, 2014 7:01 am

Thankyou so much sylvie and LA,

I did wirte a long letter to you yesterday, but when i sent it, the log system had shut down so had to log in again and i lost my letter ;-§ so i will put finger to keyboard again.

I agree sylvie that the pain even if the reunion doe's go well, that you have to tread carefully, i realised that after the 'split-up' with my son i guess, thinking maybe i said something that offended him in some way...i think you've hit the nail on the head with "intolerable pain' that we feel, i read on the forums you posted and a b.mum said about having a big hole in her heart...yes i too have a very big hole and i feel as though my life has shattered in pièces all over again, its so uncontrolable, the pain and hurt we feel.

I was lead to believ that yes my son would have a great future that i could not give, of course, i was only 16 at that time, i got pregnant just beofre my final exmas, so my son was with me during that time, then i had a job offer which i took after leaving school, i also enjoyed competing in sports, i was very good and did compétitions....but by the time i accepted and faced the fact i was pregnant, i had to give all that up, my parents never did and never have spoken about my pregnancy, they found out when i was in the very late stages, i hid my son well.......the only real thing i remember with my parents is them taking me to and then from hospital, while in hopspital all i remember is giving birth, then the next day holding on so tight to a little bundle, i cannot remember what colour hair he had although i know i stared and hugged him to try and keep a memeory of him (of course no photos back then, nothing digital or Smartphones) the curtains were drawn around me (this bit a remember now from not long ago, i don't know why but i have some bits that come back to me now and again) i remember telling him over and over again that i will always love him, and just cradled him and stared at him....in the end the nurses came because i think i may of got him soaked in my tears, then i was told it was best that we were seperated so not to make the parting any more difficult than it was....i never saw him again

The pain too in the next couple of days was that i was in a ward with other mums tending to their babies....the pain was unbearable, i think i had most of this shut away in a black box, not wanting to look back i what i did back then, how could i have done such a thing...but i thought i was doing the right thing and giving a couple a child that they could never have...which later with my son i found out was true, his mum could'nt have children and did look to adopt another child but their age was against them.

I know my son has said to me he understands why i did what i did being so Young and wanting the best for him, but like you said, we have both gone through so much pain because of this, even though he's had great parents who have been so honest with him about being adopted.

I don,t know sylvie, i think my son is complexe, his girlfriend said he has a heart of stone, and on a few occassions i know he was really upset with his mum after losing his dad and one time he told me that his girlfreind had to drive his mum home because they had had a slight argument and then he had'nt seen her for a few weeks... i guess he just shuts himself away, he said he did that when growing up, whenever his parents talked about me, he would not talk about it and just skip over the surface, then when he was a teen he did'nt even want to know about it, but as he got older he became more ope, but never going into detail...he said he had a loyalty to his mum and dad and thought talking about me or even looking for me would hurt them in some way (but if they were always so honest and open in talking to him about it then i can't see the problem, anyway going off track)

Again i don't think any of us can wholey understand our situtation wether we are the mothers or child, all we do know is that its so painful and uprooting especially when there is a reunion involved, i was in pain not knowing about my son all these years, but somehow managed to get on with life because i knew nothing about him, and of course at the time persuaded that he could be anywhere in the country.

That too was a blow and very hurtful, because after having my son adopted i kept thinking to myself when seeing a baby boy, maybe he was mine, but then no it cannot be possible, after a year he was born i left the country, not able to cope with everything i had done, i had lost my son, i had lost my sporting spirit, i lost my job, and now i was going to leave my family and friends (nobody knew about my son-he was my cherished secret) i left the country and nly came back after a year and a half for a visit.......

I did'nt belong there anymore, i had given up on everything. Only to learn 30 years later, when my son came looking for me son grew up not far from where i used to live and where my parents still live today, so i was right, i could of seen a baby that could of been my son!! He has always known about me, my name etc, and yet i am allowed to nothing , when i did go to the ss in search of his dad who had died, i was told that yes his dad was dead but they could'nt give me any info i'd have to call all the cemetarys and ask, i was in tears while waitin for the information, a lady came and sat beside me, i asked how was it possible that my son grew up not far from me, the reply tore me apart.... apparently because of my age i was not a threat to my son or his new family!!! a threat, woah, the emotions are just to much to bear...

Looking back now and writing all this down, i realise i was torn apart so many times, its a Wonder i have't gone doolali, how can we stay sain and cope with all the pain.

You don't make me feel bad sylvie, its good to understand that even in reunion there is torment on both sides, and people react differently, my sons is to hide away and perhaps pretend this is some sort of dream or nightmare....but like i said to him, i am here i do exist, i have always loved you and always will, and of course i do have feelings

I know you say i should seek counselling but after everything, i'm not ready for that, i put my step in the door with the ss and came out feeling worse, ok its not the same thing, but no.

I have gone back to sport and in the space of a year started in compétitions, to get back what i gave up all those years ago, luckliy i can still manage to be rather nutty and full of beans, i had my pain well through a big smile,people who know me think i'm always happy because i'm always smiling...its easier to put on a smile than to tell people the pain your going through day in and night.

What i did all those years ago, wether it was the right or wrong decision, i have to live with for the rest of my life, i am wound up in this adoption cocoon, and like you said, only other people in this situation can fully understand the raw pain since a Young child of 16 until i grow old.

lady archer:

i don't think there are any words to describe what we go through, yes i can understand my son has closed the door, its probably from the little i know about him, thats what he would do, but just so frustrating because he knows the pain i have, so why put me through it with his own son and a new baby on the way? Maybe having 3 grandmothers is too much, maybe i'm too much for him?

I did think about what my son may feel now he has his own child and perhaps he could try and think what it must of been like for me, but then i think if he knows the hurt then why cut my grandson out of my life too perhaps its easier to bury his head in the sand and pretend i never really existed, like he once said about thinking of looking for me...he thought ignorance was best!!!

Thats why i'd like to try and contact his mum, i really do think she would like to know about me...i don't know why but have this feeling that if she was always so honest with him and talked about me openly, then surely she would like peace of mind too? I don't think my son will have told her he has found me.

Thankyou for your offer LA i am considering it but you have so much on your plate at the moment, i am due back for a Holiday soon, so i will see what frame of mind i am in...one minute i want to find out, and next minute i think i should leave well alone, i have thought of going to his work place, because for the moment thats the only place i know where to find him, and just say hi how are you doing can we have a talk? But then i know i would be a bag of nerves, scared of being rejected or whatever. I just don't know. I also ask myself if i was given the chance, would i be a good mother or grandmother anyway...... So many questions pop into my head, i guess i just confuse myself with everything...my husband often says...i think too much, and that i put to much emotions and feelings into things, thats the way i am.

Thankyou both for giving me a bowl of oxygen, i know i have to live through many more ups and downs, never knowing whats behind the next corner.
cleo
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby athensrunner » Fri May 23, 2014 7:42 am

Cleo

I'm sorry I haven't been around for a while...but you have been in my thoughts and my offer for you to pick up the phone still stands. As Lady Archers said
to find any words that can be of comfort to you ....... probably they do not exist.
and I agree.

Both her and Sylvie have great words of advice for you and I know Sylvie have directed you over to http://www.firstmotherforum.com and http://http://www.adoptionbirthmothers.com. For me those blogs have been a bit of a "bible" to help me understand my journey as a birth mother.

When Sylvie said
You must forgive yourself, Cleo.
And try to understand how things might feel from his position.
Of course, without him telling you, you can't truly know, but that's where the experiences of other adopted people can give a clue to the possibilities of what's going through your son's mind.


She is right that the experiences of other adoptees might give a clue to who your son might think...early in my search for my son..I was lucky to find and get to know an adoptee, Jessensia Arias who write over on http://www.thenotsosecretlifeofanadoptee.com, she has help me understand some the hurt and pain an adoptee may feel.

I agree totally with Sylvie when she says that you must forgive yourself, I will add that you must open up, either to a counsellor or a really good friend...I know that your husband is a great support to you but you need someone to unburden too who is "neutral" and in real life. I will echo what Sylvie says...you will need to take care of yourself, to heal yourself. I cannot advice you...I can only tell you that for me, it has help being open and speak by about my adoption journey...a friend of mine once said that having a close friend who will crack open that bottle of wine (or put on the kettle), give you a hug and just listen is the best therapy anyone can ask for. For me, having close friends is enough...for others counselling will be better, it is only you who can decided how best to heal yourself.

Please Cleo, take care of yourself...allow yourself to heal only then can you decided how to proceed, meanwhile you know we are all here for you.

Hugs AthensRunner
Birth mother in an international adoption

Feel free to read my ramblings as a birth mother
http://www.athensrunner.blogspot.com
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby sylvie » Fri May 23, 2014 9:44 pm

LadyArcher, your understanding and compassion is very treasured by me.
You are right, it is devastating for the reasons you say.
And also to know that my son, my beautiful son, questions his worth because I gave him up for adoption. That is absolutely heartbreaking.
As Cleo says, these are things we will have to live with all our lives. I would do anything to undo that.

I just want to say one other thing, just to be clear.
No matter how painful reunion is, it is still an utter blessing to be reunited.
No matter how painful the whole experience of adoption has been and will always be, my world is immeasurably richer because my son is in it and this has been true from the moment he was born.

And Cleo, we were only 16, me and you.
I did my 'O' levels while pregnant, and you did your final exams.
We were children ourselves. Inexperienced. In the backward times of the 1970s.
You must forgive yourself.

We have a lot to live with, as do our adult children.
Deep understanding, like Ladyarcher's, from each person to the other, is so healing, I feel.

Take care, dear Cleo.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
sylvie
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Tue Jun 10, 2014 4:08 pm

Hi everyone,

Thankyou for all your support i do appreciate it so much, i still have no confidence to open up yet, i guess being hurt/let down has made me even more cautious about who i trust, the last person i trusted with my inner feelings was my son......sadly his promises would'nt last long.....i guess i should'nt of opened myself to a complete stranger at the time.

Anyway, how are things now....pretty much the same, the days turn in weeks, into months etc etc.....there are days when i wish i could just face my son and ask him out-right what i have said or done so wrong...but then there are other days, when i wish he never came looking for me (but that sounds so bad) i am glad he came looking for me, but just cannot get to grips of how things ended so abrutly..;there is no understanding whatsoever, however how many ways i look at the situation, there is no comprehension at all.

Thinking back maybe i said or did something to upset him but, that must of been after he never replied to his birthday wishes or my birthday a week later.....i just don't know.

Anyway, this week i looked at his girlfriends FB profile...cannot see anything as all closed to outsiders apart from the two photos on her fb page, she has changed the photo....its a gorgeous photo of my Grandson.....auuuwwwwww i copied the photo onto my phone.

Do you think i am torturung myself by doing this? But its the only way i can see him growing up, oh what a muddled situtation i am in. I have looked at the other forums to understand things from different points of view, i guess when adoptee's come looking for us, i think they must have had so many negative thoughts, that if they did find us and we did want them...then maybe it was'nt what they were expecting? To have two mums who love them, but then not wanting to be disloyal to his mum and he gets on really well with her.

Anyway i cannot change things, i just have to try and get straight in my mind what i want to do now....but even that changes from day to day....like i said, one minute i want to face him, then the next i think i should just let him be and let him get on with his life...like he once said when he knew about me, that he thought ignorance was best...maybe thats what he still thinks now..maybe if he ignores me for long enough i may just go away?

And also something else that comes back to me, that at least now we are in contact and know about each other, whereas before we knew nothing....well thats no entirely true on his part, because he knew all about me, and he only lived down the road from my family....ignorance is best i guess.

I'm so worreid too that if i go looking for him it may just upset the apple cart and make things worse, but then i have a little voice saying..maybe he wants me to look for him......i just get so confused in my thoughts, what to do for the best....hubby says i think too much.

I watched the film philomena, must admit i was ok watching it, i cried about all the lies that were told on both sides, and finally finding out that her son was buried at the place he was born.......

Thats why i Wonder too should i go looking for my son before its too late...i'd ahte for anything to happen to either of us, wwith the situation as it is....not sure i am making sense, i do seem to go into a world of my own when writing things down

This morning i thought maybe i should find his girlfriend instead of going to his workplace to face him, maybe she would tell me whats gone wrong, although i have already written her a letter, but with no reply.

Why do things have to be so complicated....also this week for some unknown reason i remembered that my parents were not the first to know about me being pregnant, but my grandmother, who i was very close too...i told her and two weeks later she died from a heart attack in her bed...i guess i blamed myself for her death, confiding in her and her telling me i should tell my parents.....but with her dying i left telling my parents until very late in the pregnancy.

Another memory hidden in my deepest closet until recently.......and how ever much i try i still cannot show my son was when he was first born...yet i know i stared at him for hours...........

Thankyou all for listening and reading my letter, i must be so boring blabbing on sometimes, but i do feel better after writing to you all here
cleo
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby Josie » Tue Jun 10, 2014 9:24 pm

Hi Cleo,

I just wanted to send a warm gentle hug - dear Cleo, you sound so hurt.
Others here have written words of comfort and wisdom which I cannot add to - but just sadly nod my head in agreement.

I well know the initial rush of reunion, my son's excited acceptance and then a painful time where I felt he just "did not know what to do with me."
Every letter, email and exchange of communication whilst wonderful for me, was probably a mixed bag for him, on reflection.
Cleo, do not underestimate the wrench of loyalty he will feel towards his adoptive family.
It's one thing to "meet" you - but to integrate you into his life may have felt too difficult at this point.
Adopted people soon learn not to mention their "birthmothers" and the misery of having to have a secret life even if it's only swapping cards or photos can be very troubling and painful for an adopted person....even if their relationship with their adoptive parents is quite "open".
It's a pretty big issue as you will see if you read over old threads.....

Your poor heart - we understand my love.
Josie
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Wed Jun 18, 2014 5:24 pm

Hi josie, and everyone

Thankyou for the "hug", i have been "getting on" with my life, trying not to think too much about my son, but some part everyday i have a thought for him...its stronger than anything, although i try not to let my emotions get the better of me now.

I say to myself that my son has his own life to lead, he has done it the last 30+ years why should it change now......now he knows about me, i guess he can put things to rest.

Like he once wrote, at least now we know about each other, whereas before we knew nothing..... I guess as ong as he has heis mum and in-laws who look after his son, then there is no need for me in his life, i did read a couple of links where there was an adopteé who was upset because his BM did'nt want to know about him and made the point that we are all the same..... i just wish he knew that there are BM out there that would love to have contact with their sons/daughters, but when found get cut off ASAP. leaving us hurt and sometimes destroyed.

I get the feeling that adopteés feel hard done by, seeing only one side of the coin....because their personal experinece did'nt go well, so they feel as though they aree the victim.

It works both ways sadly, i would give anything to go back to how i was with my son, the happy memories we had, the nice letters he wrote to me in the first couple of months, promising lots of things, i realise now, where perhaps in the heat of the moment, although i would like to think that what he wrote at the time he was sincere, but as time goe's by, i get doubts......thinking he only said those things so i would "open up" to him.

Before i knew about my son i always knew that if ever he came looking for me i would be honest with him....and i was, even with my feelings, which i think now may of been a mistake, i guess telling him that i love him with all my heart and the way i feel perhaps made him back off too....to much for him to get a grasp on, he has a mum that loves him, why have another? He did once write that we were going to fast and maybe we should slow down, which we did then I think what he must be thinking too, when i get negative thoughts, that if i loved him so much when did i give him up?

But i keep coming back to trying to understand why the sudden cut off, all i want to know is why and what have i done so wrong, i have to face the fact that i will probably never know unless i have the courage to go and find him, but afraid that it will make things worse if i do do that?

I wish i knew how he really felt about me, if it was just to fill a misssing part of his life after his A.dad died. Is it just one-sided the feelings, i know he has a very busy life and i don't come into his equation, although in his first letters when i said we could meet up for 5 minutes he said he would like to see me for more than 5 minutes, but as the months passed he wrote that when i came over that we could meet up over the weekend, i'd wait for him, but once the weekend over, he'd write back and say sorry i was away for a stag weekend.....so why tell me that we could meet up knowing all too well that he was away? Then the morning i was going back home he'd send a text asking what time i was leaving, but i was on my way home so could'nt meet up.......i guess he was his way of avoiding me, but looking back now....it hurts, why did he treat me like this, he is not stupid, he's a clever lad, so why treat me this way?

As time goe's by, i think he will never get in contact again, i don't belong in hs life, i guess i never had a place, unlike myself he is a big part of my life, evenmoreso since he came looking for me.

Not sure i'm making much sense, i let my emotions run away with me, just trying to understand what happened to us in such a short space of time, which over turned my world, i guess i am Lucky that my marriage did'nt get a beating through all of this too. I don't talk to my husband about my feelings anymore, he says i should just let go and get on with life (i guess as if none of this ever happened)!!

But it did, i have a gorgeous son,and i cannot do anything about it, he just doe'snt want to know me and i miss so much my Grandson too.

Take care everyone, and thankyou all for reading my mail and understanding how i feel x
cleo
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby julie2009 » Fri Jun 20, 2014 3:48 pm

Hi Cleo - sorry to hear you never heard back from your son. It is complicated and I don't think all adoptees including myself feel "hard done by". You have to accept that an adoptee only realises that they were abandoned as a baby but as they find out more about what happened back then they realise that there are two sides to the coin - two sides to the story. I did anyway. I always had this image my BM never got to hold me after birth. I had this image of being whisked away by some nurse in order to avoid any mother/baby contact. This was further from the truth and it was only after I read my file I discovered this that she looked and cared for me in an unmarried mother's hostel for 10 days in total.

I think about her everyday Cleo and different things make me wonder what she would have done. What her voice sounded like is important to me but I never got to hear it. I keep in contact with her sister but again the emails are limited and sometimes I get the impression she doesn't read them properly which can be annoying especially if I ask her something important even healthwise.

Cleo I take it your son's a.mum is still alive could he feel guilty towards her and this is the main reason for contact to cease. He may have wanted to know about you through curiousity because he has a child himself. I think most adoptees decide to trace their past once they become a parent - I did myself and I was in my 30s. I remember my BM sister telling me at the start she would always tell me the truth but she will not open up about certain issues. I have told her before she doesn't owe me anything but it is nice to keep in touch. She sent me a card unexpectedly on my last birthday and I was over the moon with this because she had gone to the trouble to do this but nothing this year and she was aware of when it was.

I remember a few weeks ago I contacted her by telephone and she practically cut me off. I was offended by this and felt I was being pushed to the side.
She never contacted me again until I did by email and brought it up. She said she didn't mean to as she had other things to deal with at the time but then who hasn't. It was her whole attitude that shocked me.

Cleo I don't think there is anything else you can do at this stage just try your best to get on with your life like I do. I keep checking my computer for emails every day. At one point it was becoming an obsession and then one day I decided to just leave it and she knew where to find me if she wanted to talk.

Julie xx
julie2009
 
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Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Wed Jun 25, 2014 8:21 pm

Hi Julie,

Thankyou for your reply,

Yes his a mum is still alive although his a.dad died in 2010 just after that he came looking for me, i think that was the main reason to be honest, as he did say that when he thought about looking for me before he thought it would upset his parents, although they have been always honest since he was Young about him being adopted, and he also said that the subject would often pop up, but he'd be the one to back out of the conversation.

Yes my son was a couple of months shy of being 30 and had his first son the year before, in fact his son was born a couple of months before his A.dad died...so he already had alot of emotions on his plate.

But when he came looking for me, we got on so well, but then after a couple of months things started to go quiet..on his side, i would ask what was wrong but he'd say he had alot on and think we should slow done.......although he promised me that he'd never hurt me and that we'd always be in contact!! I guess i just took his word for it, i don't trust alot of people in my life as it is, but i gave him the benefit of doubt and opened up to him.

At the time i did'nt ask him any questions, worried i maybe prying too much, but i was honest with him when he wanted to know things about me. I guess i just was expecting too much from him, i had waited all these years hoping that he'd get in contact and was over the moon when he did, as i knew nothing at all about him.

I know he is close to his mum, and from what i can gather his mother in law as well. As when we first met he did say that his m.I.law would like to have met me too ;-)

Anyway, the mails started slowing down, then the day before his birthday he said he was thinking of a day we could meet up..........since then....nothing, it was my birthday a week later...nothing, then 3 months after that he closed down his email adress and cut me off from everything, 8 months after that he moved house as well....so now i am back to square one, not knowing anything about him and what hurts the most, not knowing what i did wrong for him to cut me off like that, i go over a million times what i might of written or said or done, but keep facing a blank wall.

I think thtas why i cannot get any peace of mind, its the not knowing what went wrong...i too always check my emails or hope when i get a text, that maybe just maybe its from my son...but soon it will be 3 years since he cut me out of his world, and i am hurting, although there are times i think maybe its for the best, i would never of been a good mum for him, he has everything he needs, he had a great upbringing, fab holidays, was able to go to uni....things which i know would not of been possible for me to do for him.

He is on a different social ladder, he is a clever lad, and i'm very proud of what he has achieved, like you i have come to a point of "he knows where i am if he wants to know me again" but i also feel some days the urge to go and face him and ask what i have done so wrong, i feel so sad missing out on my Grandson growing up too, although he already has 2 grandmothers who look after him, so maybe a 3rd is too much.

I guess after all the butterflies and rollercoaster of emotions, he backed away to get to the life he had and can get on with it knwoing that i do love him to bits and have laways thought of him, i laways have and always will...i just wish he felt the same way about me, i guess my emotions where too much for him to cope with. I guess he never put alot of thought into what if my mum really likes me, i guess he had visions of being rejected, i know he was worreid about that when looking for me, he said, what if he found me and i said i wanted no contact, mostly negative thoughts, but it was'nt like that, i was over the moon, and we got on well, maybe too well, we have alot of things in common, and even his girlfriend said we look like each other, which i thought was great.

I honestly don't know what to do now, some days i want to forget he ever came looking for me and it was just a dream, and other days i just want to find him ask what went wrong and just give him a huge hug, because i miss him so much and my grandson too. The pain will never go away, i find myself in the same situation as 30+ years ago, hiding my feelings from the world and trying to get on with life as best i can.

I'm sorry your mum has given you the cold shoulder julie, i wish things could change and that happy ending do exist, but i am Learning that in this adoption cocoon its very hard, and everyone reacts differently.

I never got to hold my son for long, just a couple of hours the next day, but i cried and cried while holding him, i never saw him again, never talked about him when i got home and thats how its been since he came looking for me a couple of years ago.

Its hard being left hanging on, waiting , hoping, maybe one day he'll get back in touch, but as time goe's by, i don't hink that will happen, sadly.

Take care Julie and thankyou for you letter
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby julie2009 » Thu Jun 26, 2014 9:08 am

Hi Cleo

I emailed my BM sister yesterday as I am due to go on holiday soon. She eventually emailed back saying she missed her sister and she kept a lot to herself - practically suffered in silence and kept everything to herself. I felt then I had dragged up old feelings and tried to change the subject in my reply but she never answered.

She told me a few weeks ago her brother had a heart attack. I was being investigated for two years for unexplained chest pain and palpitations and I am now a bit concerned as her father had angina too. She casually mentioned in an email to me a few years back her mother had died young from liver cancer but when I went to approach the subject again she said it was too painful to talk about and left it at that.

Cleo I honestly don't think you did anything wrong but something you said struck a chord with me when you said his a.parents were always honest with him about his adoption I have done the same - backed out of conversations for fear of upsetting them. I also understand all the questions you wanted to ask and he probably had a lot to ask too. I was the same. Some of my emails were just question after question.

I was sorry to read you only got to hold him for a few hours. I remember watching a programme before about a girl who had to give her little son up for adoption and she sat cuddling him on her knee not wanting to part with him but then she had to let go. I couldn't stop crying that whole night thinking about it. I think it depends on the person's circumstances at the time. My BM was 25 and she only had her elder sister to rely on for support and also an elderly aunt who was never married. Her mum was deceased and her father knew she was pregnant but didn't take any part as this was the early 1970s in Northern Ireland and also the fact that my BF was from a different denomimation of religion at that time she wouldn't have had any choice but to give me up. Her sister did say before if their mum had still been alive things may have been different but that wasn't the case. She also said any time my BM spoke of me she cried for days on end on what she describes as having to make the hardest decision in life.

Thanks for replying Cleo and maybe some day your son will get in touch. Please don't think it is anything personal against you. I would always leave the door open for him to make contact.

Take care and hugs

Julie xx
julie2009
 
Posts: 519
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Location: co. antrim

Re: Saw some info about my son, makes me sad

Postby cleo » Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:44 pm

Hi julie

Thankyou for your mail too,

Ye si suffer in silence too, not letting anyone know, only my husband knows that my son has contacted me, i have just replied to LA in another mail because she asked about what my aprents did at the time......

I would love to get to know his mum as she seems very open about the adoption, my son said she would talk about it quite often but he would always shut down, not wanting to talk about the subject or the fact that he was even thinking of looking for me, apparently he saw a porgramme on the tv about adoption and got upset so his girlfreind started a serious search for me, because he said before he would start looking but then backed out, wondering what my reaction would be....

I guess when he fianlly sent the mail he was totally shocked to find out that i had been waiting all of this time for him, as i had no information about him whatsoever.


I was 16 at the time i fell pregnant and had my son a week before my 17th birthday early 80,s. Actually thinking about it, it was a big year, i had my 16th, competing in athletics, 4 months later got pregnant, did my final years exams, passed my driving license, got a job, had to face the fact that i was pregnant, told my nan first, two weeks later she died of a heart attack, 7and half months gone by, my parents find out, then a couple of months after that i had my son and a week later i was 17 and lost everything....... A year after that i left the conutry leaving fmaily and freinds behind to start a new life......

I have been in torment ever since, everytime something comes up about adoption or a film, i'd cry too, wondering did i do the right thing... i will never know, my son has had a great upbrining, had fabulous holidays, been to university, got a great job, he is on a different social ladder to me, he would never of had these things if i had kept him thats for sure. Yes it was the hardest decision of my life...and i regret it, but there is no going back i have to live with the choice i made myself all those years ago until the day i die. I am not proud of what i did, and i do bear the scars, alot of scars, i just wish my son could understand my feelings more instead of just shutting down. I wish i could have a child that would do anything to know that his mum loves him to bits, ok i am not perfect, but my life feels so empty again and there's not much i can do about it, unless i decide to go and face him and ask what i have done so wrong....

My door, my emails my phone is always open waiting hoping that he'll get in touch again, but i don't think he will, i don't think he can handle having me in his life.

Thankyou for your side of the story Julie, i tried to understand from his point of view but its not easy when he explains nothing and just shuts down and disappears.....
cleo
 
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