It never gets easier... :(

Moderator: AfterAdoption

It never gets easier... :(

Postby Incognito » Mon Apr 21, 2014 9:15 pm

I am so heartbroken - I've finally made contact with my oldest son that turned 18 last December; I was sooooooo happy that day! Anyway, now here I am, denied all those years with my children, and I have no idea what their lives have been like... I found out a few years ago that the adoptive parents had changed the religion of my boys, and got them Baptized, that really hurt me big time, as it concerns matters of the soul. I feel so betrayed and as though my boys have been turned against me!!!! I am not even sure that I have been speaking with my son, as we've only sent messages via facebook and he has refused to chat on the phone... I would be so upset to discover the adoptive parents are pretending to be my son! I find it strange that he has refused a quick telephone call, and the message I've picked up from our conversations so far is, that he wants to leave the past in the past, and pointed out that his a.parents had looked after him for a large amount of his life! He hasn't been at all curious about anything about what happened, or our family, which again I find strange as I would imagine he would have so many questions! Anyway, nothing can change this pain we suffer when our children are given away by the state!!! DAM YOU ALL YOU CHILD THIEVES!!! I HAD A RIGHT TO A DARN FAMILY LIFE TOO YOU KNOW!!! God didn't stop me from having children... I really consider these barren women some of the most EVIL alive... It is true to say that childbirth certainly softens the heart of the woman, so extra caution should be given when dealing with these inferior females that have no feelings to what it is like in our shoes!!!!!! Grrrrr I am not happy today, and I now know it will NEVER get better.
Lessons from a wise king...

(1Kings 3:24-25)-(verse 26-verse 27)
Incognito
 
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Location: London

Re: It never gets easier... :(

Postby Donotunderstand » Tue Apr 22, 2014 8:02 am

I don't think adopted 18 year olds have any curiosity about their birth family to be honest. They are too young - they can be younger emotionally too. From our own experience I can tell you that although our adopted 17 year old niece was keen to get in touch with her older sister she has admitted that she feels no connection to any of us as she has not grown up in the birth family. At the moment she is not prepared to try to connect either despite the encouragement of her adoptive parents. Having read adoptees life experiences on here this may change when she is much older and feels the need to know.

Your son feels that his adoptive parents are his family now but I hope one day he will be able to let you into his life too.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: It never gets easier... :(

Postby ladyarcher » Tue Apr 22, 2014 4:50 pm

Hello again Incognito, and sort of welcome, except that of course you do not want to be here, because if all was well, then you wouldn't need to be here.....sorry I did not see your post yesterday

I think that Donot. is, to an extent, right in saying that in the late teens children have little interest in their origins.....it is a time when they are fairly self absorbed and living in the present and give little thought to other peoples' feelings and lives, and I think this especially applies to boys at that age.......however your son saying that his a.parents looked after him for a large part of his life needs challenging, in that he should know, i.e. has a right to know, how this happened, and that it was not by any desire or fault of yours.....he needs to know why, and then he can have the responsibility of deciding for himself what action he takes about contact with you.......at present he is probably mostly only influenced by whatever his a.parents have told him.....which obviously has not shown you in a good light, because if it had, they would be encouraging contact, and he would be comfortable with having contact.......

With regard to the a.parents 'changing the religion' of your boys.....of course that is a nonsense in a way, because religious beliefs of any sort come from within, and are not arranged by a 'name'.....they may, of course, have pushed whatever beliefs they have onto the boys by taking them to a particular church, or seeing that they attend a particular type of school......... If you only mean that they have been baptized into one or another of the forms of Christianity, then they have not 'changed their religion'.......... however if you mean that you and/or their father belong to one of the other major faiths, such as Muslim, or Jew, or Hindu, or Bhuddist, and they have been brought up to be Christian, then the religious influence has been changed...........however, whatever they have been influenced by, if it is based on goodness and humanity, then it is at least basically 'good' .....

The idea that the a.parents may be pretending to be your son is a more 'sinister' thought, but not beyond belief.....I know for a fact that the mother of two of my grandsons pretends to be them on FB.......she took the boys away when they were quite small and has constantly been blocking any contact with my son, their father......those two grandsons are now 17 and 15 ...... and we have only seen them about five times in the last 13 years.....we just hope that once the older one learns to drive they may decide for themselves who they want to see and when......and that then they will actively get my son back into their lives by their own choice......

Are there any incidents from when you still had your sons that they will remember, and that you can 'talk' about to them on FB, and maybe lay a sort of 'trap' in that the a.parent will not know what is true and what is not true about any particular occasion.....that might give you a clue as to if it is actually the a.parent, and not your son......

With regard to damning the social workers, etc. who were responsible for your sons being taken from you......hopefully, at some time, there will be changes made to the job qualifications necessary, so that future trainees will have at least walked in some of the shoes of people they deal with.......but I wouldn't hold your breath.........and to be fair, there must be some caring and feeling people in those jobs, it's just that they are rather few......

You don't know 'it will never get better', because at the moment you are still alive, as are your sons......never say never ......the most important thing you can do is to continue to try......and always to firmly continue to state that your children were loved......I think that this is probably the most important thing for adoptees to know about their birth parent(s).......because a lot of adoptees feel that they were not loved, otherwise why were they 'given away'........I think this is why I myself feel sort of ok, about losing my b.parents, because while searching for them I found out that they loved me dearly, and I have this information from quite a number of people in my b.family........circumstances and fate, if you like, were against them, but I draw strength from the knowledge that I was loved, and always have done, and they cared for me for my first two years.......I did not, in many ways, have a 'bad' adoption, not in the way that many people do, but in many ways it was not 'good' either, due to lack of sensitivity and insight of my a.parents, and probably the fact that they would not, at that time, have been properly taught about adoption........sadly, even now, many adopting parents are still not properly prepared.......

LA
born 1944 - adopted 1946... etc
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Re: It never gets easier... :(

Postby Incognito » Tue Apr 22, 2014 5:28 pm

Dear Donotunderstand - Thanks for your reply... Yes, you are right and this notion has already crossed my mind; but I guess I just expected some curiosity, at least about what happened... I know boys tend to avoid these types of issues in general, and often don't make contact until much later in life, it at all... It is just difficult not knowing how my children really feel, or what they have been told! I will try never to push these subjects and hope that I will be around to answer anything when they decide to ask xxx

Dear Ladyarcher, There is no need to apologize, you know what I can be like when I have one of my outbursts! :) lol xxx I just get so frustrated sometimes, and now after all these years feel as though perhaps I have really lost my children utterly! This was something I felt sure would never happen, so I guess that is why I've not been very well prepared for this...

You are always the voice of reason and understanding and I am so pleased you have been around over the years to put me right and provide your words of wisdom! :) xxx

I am supposed to have my annual contact during May, but as usual I worry that somehow this will be cancelled... I always tend to think the worst though.... It is an awful thought that the a.parents would pretend to be my son, but when there is room for doubt... I suppose the hostile way the a.parents have been over the years, makes me wonder what other efforts they may resort to in what they may consider a vulnerable time... The SS had already told me that they thought it was best that I avoided making contact with my older son, at least until my youngest reached 18 (that will be July next year!)...but I disregarded them as the law no longer has any basis to prosecute me for doing so!

Unfortunately, this is my only outlet or means of talking about this subject, so sometimes I may seem unreasonable but I am just at my wits end! So sorry if I have caused anyone offense xxx

Thank you both, Hugs & love to you xXx
Lessons from a wise king...

(1Kings 3:24-25)-(verse 26-verse 27)
Incognito
 
Posts: 144
Joined: Sat May 24, 2008 12:28 pm
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