Just a dream?

Moderator: AfterAdoption

Just a dream?

Postby cleo » Wed Mar 26, 2014 7:51 pm

Hello everyone,

Well what can i say......my emotions seem to change with the seasons, one minute i'm feeling fine, then the next, confused and upset.

At the moment i am going through a period where i am thinking that as the years are going by...2 years, since i last saw my son and grandson, that maybe it was all just a dream...that i was in another dimension somehow.....

i've been going over a million things trying to work out what went wrong, but have no answers and know i will never get any answers....maybe i should ask the children who have been adopted and who go looking for their BP, why once finding them, do they let go? Is it because their satifaction of finally knowing, they can close the chapter. Do they realise the pain some BM's go through all over again, trying to hold onto fragments, bits of memories slowly fading away again.

Yes i have a few photos of my son that luckily i took while with him for the short 9 hours we spent together, but now when i look at them.....i have so many things going through my mind...why doe'nst he want to know me anymore, i miss my grandson so much, sometimes i wish he never came looking for me...before i had pain, but there was nothing i could do about it...now i have pain and i still cannot do nothing about it...but it hurts more because i know he's out there, knowing he has cut me off but always wondering if he doe's think about me and how i must be feeling.

Will he ever come looking for me again...honestly...i don't think so...he has cut all the communications possible...even moved away..so no more sending birthday cards or presents for him or my grandson.....

Thankyou all for listening and reading my mail, hoping you are all doing ok in your situations...
cleo
 
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Re: Just a dream?

Postby sylvie » Thu Mar 27, 2014 11:25 am

I'm sorry it's so painful for you Cleo. Am thinking of you.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: Just a dream?

Postby maisie » Fri Mar 28, 2014 4:05 pm

I understand your pain, Cleo. I was reunited with my son almost 4 years ago. We met just once, and though we still talk on the phone now and then, there have been no more face to face meetings. I, too, am beginning to wonder if meeting me once was enough for him. While for me the pain of loss goes on. He seems content with his partner and adoptive family, and perhaps it is difficult for him to find a way to make me a part of life. I can understand that, but it does leave me carrying a lifetime of regret about losing him to adoption. I have not given up hope that things may change again and he will one day want more contact with me. Thanks for your post, it helps to know others are in a similar position. Best Wishes, Maisie.
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Re: Just a dream?

Postby ladyarcher » Sat Mar 29, 2014 1:09 am

I can only answer this as an adoptee, but from my own point of view and feelings....... no, just one meeting was certainly not 'enough', I wanted to see my b.mother and include her in my life.....I knew her for around ten years until she died.....I didn't see her as often as I would have liked, because of distance and generally busy lives that we both had....me with my own small children, and my b.mother with helping her daughter, my much younger half sister, whose marriage had failed and who was left with two children herself.......

I was lucky in that my second husband was perfectly happy with me knowing and seeing my b.mother, and having her visit us when she could - my first husband had been against me searching, and would not have been helpful had he still been around when I found her........so, that is one thing that can throw a spanner in the works and can stop a b.parent and adoptee growing a relationship.......not saying that is the case with you Cleo, or you Maisie, but it can be a problem......particularly if the partner is fond of, or well in with, the a.parent.......my ex. was always hand in glove with my a.mother.......

What I did find difficult was the idea of being two different daughters........so I never let my two mothers meet.......with my birth mother I was the daughter she would have had, laid back, un-posh, laughing a lot........ with my a.mother I was the well educated, stiff upper-middle class, gloves and matching handbag wearing daughter I had been trained to be........... so perhaps, for other adoptees, there have been difficulties in being, if you like, a split personality........

LA
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Re: Just a dream?

Postby cleo » Thu Apr 03, 2014 2:56 pm

Tks sylvie and lady archer..Maisie, you say you have a phone conversation now and again...sadly i don't even have that, nothing at all and the fact he moved away without a word is so hurtful too
I guess too that because he is so loyal to his a.mum and very close to her that maybe thats all he needs and of course his girlfreinds mum who helps look after his young son too, so maybe having 3 grandmothers would be alot.....

I don't think he ever got around to telloing his a.mum about me, like you know he lost his dad prior to getting in touch with me...i think deep down that was the reason he came in the end...i think as time goe's on that if his a.dad did'nt die then he ould'n thave come looking for me... i have heard alot of adoptees wait until one or both a.parents have died, unless of course they don't get on with their a.parents and have looked befroehand.

Like you Maisie, i am hurting all over again and questioning at times did i make the right decision all those years ago....and i can say...yes i did...but even so, i wish my son had thought about all the consequences of getting in touch, he did say from the beginning he was'nt sure if i'd want contact with him or what if i told him i regretted having him etc etc...but he knows and i told him i ahve loved him all this time and have waited and waited for him to get in touch as i had no way of knowing about him.....he knows how i feel, so why oh why doe's he act as though i never existed, he knows the pain i went through...he's not stupid, he's an intelligant lad....his girlfreind said he has a heart of stone......ok, but surely something must be twitching inside of him....we got on so well, we hugged , held hands and laughed...maybe i was too close for comfort for him, maybe i was getting in the way, just wanting to spend time with him when i came over....i only wanted an hour of his time if that...once every 4-6 months...is that so hard? I don't know

The thing is now though...i am letting go... i am sadly somebody that already doe'snt trust easily, i'm so hurt that, and when i get hurt by somebody i care about i find it hard to let them get close to me again....not wanting to be fooled into false security....i love my son to bits, and at easter it will be now 3 years since i last saw him and my grandson... I had no mothers day message on sunday either...i guess i was'nt expecting anything really....but i did wonder if he had a nice day with his mum..;if he did think about me for a slight moment? But i doubt it, i don't expect anything from him now...he has his life to carry on living, he's done that for the past 30 odd years, why should it change now just because he has found me!!!!!!

I have slowly starting getting back on with my life now...i don't think about him as often as i use to...whats the point...i have no place in his life or my grnadsons...thats the way it is, and there's nothing i can do about it.

Thanks again for reading my mail and letting me get things off my chest...this forum has helped me get through this...i just wish i had found this before meeting my son, maybe this would of been different...but maybe not...who knows....

Take care all of you...i just wish i could of had a child who would of given me the chance to show how much i do care (even though he knows this) but had the honesty to tell me what i did wrong if anything instead of leaving me in the learch, grabbing at straws....but it will never be...and sadly life goe's on with or without him......
cleo
 
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Re: Just a dream?

Postby ladyarcher » Thu Apr 03, 2014 8:45 pm

(((Hugs))) Cleo, as always......it is just so cruel to not say a word, even if it were 'goodbye', it would have at least told you where you were.....as before, if you find out where he is........what I offered before is still there.......

LA
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Re: Just a dream?

Postby cleo » Fri Apr 04, 2014 7:14 am

Morning LA,

Thankyou so much, as you can probably tell by now, i do get my highs and lows, one minute i'm doing fine because i find something concerning my son, even if its just a snippet, but then it comes crashing down, like with mothers day just passed, hoping deep down that maybe.... just maybe..... he'll send a text...but also knowing deep down that i'll probably never hear from him again!
Its a horrible feeling, so mixed up inside.....i have tried to understand, perhaps i was too much for him, emotionally, holding on too tight, just asking to meet up with him when i was over, even if just for an hour. I guess looking back now, i showered him in my emotions, thats why he needed time, i remember he said in one mail that we needed to slow down, which we did, and then we'd always be ok after a couple of months. It was a rollercoaster ride for both of us, not sure which turn was next, if i was heading for a fall or being swooped up off my feet again by having my heart in my mouth, so to speak.
I have realised that this easter coming, it will already be 3 years since i last saw him and my grandson........I get days thinking..maybe i'll have to wait another 30 years before he comes looking for me again, how old will i be? Will it be too late? I know this bit may sound bad but will i have to wait until his A.mum dies, for him to come looking for me again, and working out what if she lived another 10,20+ years, how old would he, his son and i be? I know i should'nt think like that, it sounds auwful!

Like you also rightly said..if he had said goodbye, then i could of at least know that he wanted an end...but what i cannot get my head around is that i sent him a text asking when we could meet as i was over, he sent a text back saying, thinking of a good day (that was in january)....so i left it at that...happy in myself that i was going to see him again after 9 months.....the next day was his birthday, so i sent him birhday wishes....no reply....then a week later it was my birthday...nothing?.....then 3 days after that i went back home, totally confused...in march, he shut down his email account and then in november he moved house.............

I have thought about getting in touch with his family in some way or another..but do i want to go through all the heartache yet again? maybe i should just accept the fact that he does'nt want me in his life..he's done it for the past 30+ years...he has a huge bunch of family and friends and work collegues..which i found out about over the past couple of years through searching...as at the beginning he told me he usually kept himself to himself, i guess i mis interpreted that wrong. He has a big social life, and great career, and different social ladder to me...

I just don't fit into his lifestyle.....

My husband has been supportive, but says "i should let go, that i know what my son looks like and what he has turned into, and that his life is good, he's done well, and thats the main thing. And that maybe one day he will get back in touch,or maybe not, maybe he's put the missing pieces to his jigsaw and he's happy with that, and life goe's on".

I just wish i knew........

Thankyou LA and if i ever decide to...i will let you know x
cleo
 
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