deciding i have waited long enough

Moderator: AfterAdoption

deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Wed Feb 05, 2014 12:41 pm

Hi everyone

Well i've had all christmas and new year plus my sons and my birthdays to think about where i should go from here.

I have decided that i'm not going to wait any longer, its been over two years since i last saw my son and over a year since any contact with him whatsoever, i have given him time like he asked but now feel that if i don't start pushing then he'll never get in contact with me.

I want to find out what sites are best for trying to find his family, i have this urge now to try and sort things out, i have waited 30 years living in a sort of limbo and now he has come looking for me, then stopped contact, i feel as though i'm going back into the same limboland, and i don't want that to happen.

I had sent a mail to his girlfreind a year back asking what went wrong, but i got no reply, so i thought i'd leave it and let things settle down, just sending him a text in the january for his birthday then a parcel for his son in november, only to find out that he has moved house, so i no longer know where he lives.

This morning i was on the brink of sending him a text to say that i will be over and can we meet up, but that if i get no reply then i will come looking for him this time, even if it means going to his workplace!!.....

I know that sounds auwful and as if i'm stalking him in a way...but i just want him to tell me straight what i have done wrong , if anything, and to be manly enough to tell me eitherway what he wants...i know that from him ignoring my mails he probably wants to back off and try and forget that i ever existed, but i'm not convinced and really want him to tell me in his own words. After all he was the one who came looking for me and he knows how much i care about him.

I find it so hard to accept that he can just come back into my life and then leave again as if nothing ever happened, that it was just all a dream for me.

Please help me in deciding what i should write to him, i don't want it too be too long either, and am so worried that he'll block me from his phone too, thats why i held back this morning to write this here and get your advice....i just want him to tell me what went wrong, as i have been going over this for over a year now, i thought i could let go, but i cannot, i need to know one way or the other, and not by the silent treatment i am getting from him.

I understand he had alot on at the beginning, it probably was'nt the best time for him to look for me after all he went through, but it has been 3 years since his dad died now. Surely he has had time for things to settle down. I will go looking for him though i'm not going to lose him again if i can help it, unless he tells me that he doe'snt want to know me.

But like i said his last mail to me was "thinking of a good day" that was the day before his birthday, i have heard nothing back from him since!!!

Thankyou...sorry to go on like this, but now i feel as though i have to find out what i did wrong, in the 3 years i have known about him i have only spent 9 hours with him, 5 of those hours were on our first reunion.

:-(( feeling heavy hearted
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby rc01 » Wed Feb 05, 2014 11:26 pm

(((Cleo))) I really feel for your situation and don't have an answer to your question about whether you should get back in touch and insist on knowing what has happened to your relationship with your son. I do worry that it could potentially be a disaster especially if you do not give him an option with regards to talking to you and go to his workplace etc. Your son may just be brooding and whilst this is incredibly unfair on you in the way he has cut you off by forcing yourself upon him you could ruin any chance of a future relationship at all.. I don't want to stereotype adoptees but on the whole I would say we are sometimes emotionally broken and his reaction to being forced into a corner could be simply to cut you off altogether to protect himself from feeling hurt anymore.

I understand your need for an answer and cannot imagine what it would feel like to be reunited with him then lose him again and not know why... I don't really know your full story but have you written him a letter/email telling him openly how you are feeling? You said you don't want the message to be too long but maybe you need to explain how he has made you feel whilst expressing you are concerned for his wellbeing and if he doesn't want further contact perhaps he can give you some closure and tell you why.

They say adoptees in reunion regress to their childhood and the silent treatment you are currently receiving from him could be a manifestation of that - he perhaps is unable to deal with the intense emotions reunion brings. When I first got in touch with my birth family the first couple of years were really hard, with such highs and lows and wondering...setting of boundaries... blazing rows.... it was intense and looking back I am surprised we stuck at it as if it were any "normal" relationship I would have walked away and I remember both sides threatening to do so on a number of occasions.... We can look back on those times now and laugh about it , but I am not sure I really fully understand what was going on even now ... we just got through it and I really hope you and your son can too.

If you have already tried a letter perhaps a phone call would be better when you can actually speak to him and say what you want to say - you miss him and don't understand what has happened and see what his response his. You would have a much better idea of how he is feeling through tone of voice and what he says. I think in today's technological world it is easy to ignore a text but perhaps just try to talk to him.

I am so sorry he is putting you through this - you don't deserve this treatment and I do think he needs to know his behaviour has been unacceptable but perhaps that is something once you understand what he is going through.

Big Hugs and good luck.

Becky xx
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby Donotunderstand » Fri Feb 07, 2014 9:53 am

I think I would send a text along the lines of "its been a while since I've heard from you. I hope you and your family are well. It would be lovely if you could get in touch some time"

I know it is most likely that he won't respond but if you go in with "what have I done, why won't you speak to me" kind of thing it might get his back up.

Its so tough but I feel the softly softly approach is the way to go. Last year with the help of a friend I turned around a difficult letter to the adoptive mum of my niece and nephews which was quite aggressive into a much nicer one and the results were better than I could have expected and we are still communicating but on their terms.
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Fri Feb 07, 2014 11:23 pm

Hi becky and donotunderstand,

I know i should'nt have to force my through back, but all the things you have lentioned i have tried....he knows exactly how i feel about him and how i am, i was very truthful with him at the very beginning when he came looking for me.

In the first year he cut off, i kept asking "what have i done wrong" why are you cutting me off like this....but never a reply..i have sent texts...no reply, i have called...i get his answering machine...no reply when i did call him it was too say its been along time and i have been missing him and hope when he's ready that he'll get in touch again one day....but still no reply!!!

I have asked if he wants to stop contact all together to let me know....not leave me in 'hope'....but no reply!!!

I have also sent his birthday card and his sons card and present the last two years,no reply, and this year found out that he has moved home, without him saying a word. Even though my birthday is just a week after his..i thought there maybe a chance of him sending a little text...but no :-((

Somebody did say to me not long ago that i just have to accept defeat....but i have so many questions gone un-answered, i just want to know what went wrong, like i said his last text to me the day before his birthday last january..i asked him if we could meet up, and he replied "thinking of a good day"......i have'nt heard from him since then!!!
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby Incognito » Mon Apr 21, 2014 8:55 pm

Dear All,

I am in a similar situation myself; my oldest son turned 18 last December, and I contacted him via Facebook in February... At first he was so excited and couldn't show enough love in his messages; however that soon changed to hardly any conversation and what he did say seemed to indicate that 'he wanted to leave the past in the past' (me?) and that his adoptive family had been there for him for the last years!! I was surprised that he had showed no desire or curiosity whatsoever to know about what happened nor about my side of his family... He did say he wanted to come and stay for a week or two in the summer, but I am not going to get my hopes up... I really fear what his adoptive parents have told him about me/us; as they have made every attempt to sever our bond since 2002, when they adopted my boys.

Anyway, I'm not sure what the situation is now, but I would suggest you resist the temptation to give your son any ultimatums, as no doubt this would result in him decided upon the seemingly easiest option; i.e. to stop contact altogether... Be patient, and perhaps just let him know that he is never far from your thoughts, and you do hope that he will contact you again. Then wait and try to put it out of your mind for now, else you could drive yourself Craaaazy! :) I know it isn't easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is... xXx
Lessons from a wise king...

(1Kings 3:24-25)-(verse 26-verse 27)
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Tue May 06, 2014 12:27 pm

Hi incognito,

My son is in his 30's so normally he is old enough to know how much i care about him and my new grandson too, i told him this on the very first mail i wrote when he first got in contact with me, and he knows how hurt i have been all these years having him adopted and not knowing anything about him. After 4 months of a rollercoaster ride things started to slow down, weeks turn't into months which have now turn't into years.....i am always in two minds what to do, one mi nute i think i should leave well alone and when he's ready he knows how to contact me, but then again as the years go by i think if i don't do anything then maybe i'll miss out on him all over again and my grandson too, even though he was the one to break the contact. I would just like to know what i have done so wrong for the break up so to speak, if i knew that then maybe i could accept the situation better.
I did send him a text the other day saying hope all is well with him and my grandson and that i think about him always....but no reply!! I cannot put it out of my mind sadly, there is always something that will spark a thought, i think i have already gone crazy, lol but its hurtful especially that we got on so well, i just wish i knew what i did or said wrong...if anything?

:-(
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby sylvie » Tue May 06, 2014 9:57 pm

Cleo, one of the mothers on an interesting blog I read has been recently posting about her daughter's withdrawal after their reunion.

http://www.firstmotherforum.com/ - article posted on Sunday April 27, 2014.

Although her experience is different to yours, I wonder if you might find something helpful in there in your attempt to work out why your son acted as he did.
The comments sections are often interesting too, as they tend to have contributions from everyone (bit like here).

The blog owner has been writing about her experience of the above over five articles, so maybe read the first one to get the full picture.
Last edited by sylvie on Sun May 25, 2014 12:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Thu May 08, 2014 12:14 pm

Hi sylvie, i did write a long letter in reply yesterday but then it just dissapeared and did'nt have the time or courage to go through it all again, but here i am, going to give it another shot in reply to your post.

Here are some extracts that i find myself in too:

"A hole in the heart"....yes i feel as though i have a big hole too

" punishing me: He survived being abandoned, now it’s my turn". That he has control over the situation while i have to wait and probably feel how hurt he must of been too all these years.

"Weeks go by without a word. Weeks turn into months. Months turn into years. And nothing. You wait, you wonder, you go over every word you said because surely--it was something you said, something you did. It is all over again: your fault."......and i ask myself the same question everyday, what did i say or do so wrong for him to cut all contact?

"What can we do? Often times, nothing. The reasons for the pull back probably have nothing to do with anything you said or did, but happen simply because the adopted person wants to have control over the relationship--a control that was denied them when they were placed for adoption in this most crucial fact of their existence. Or the adoptee may feel guilty for having a relationship with the birth mother because it feels as if it diminishes the one with their adoptive parents, and they are extremely protective of them."........My son is very protective over his mum i don't think even today that he has told her about finding me, i know at the beginning he said he never looked for me sooner because he did'nt want to hurt his parents feelings, he was/is loyal to them and thought that looking for me might hurt them in some way, although on the other hand his parents where very honest with him from a young age about his adoption and told him the little things they knwe about me at the time, but he would always shut down and not speak about it!!!!

"She ignored my emails, and even had her phone changed to an unlisted number. A letter was returned with the word: REFUSED stamped in red on it.".....my son stopped with the text messages, then 3 months after that he closed his email account down and 8 months after that he moved house, so i have no idea again where he is? I think i can still send him a text message on his phone, it doe'snt seemed blocked but i hesitate to send a message just in case he blocks his phone on me too, although i did send him a text a couple of weeks ago saying i wondered how he and my grandson were doing and that i missed them both...but nothing in reply

"Some have posted that the adoptee's pain is always greater than the first mother's. I don't buy that. Because in thinking through one's relationship with one's parents, the child always has the upper hand emotionally".........I think we both have alot of pain although a different kind, but emtionally i think my son has the upperhand/control as it were, which hurts because he knows how much i care about him, i'm not one of these birth mothers who never wanted to know about her child, i waited 30+ years to know about him, and after just 4 months which was only 9hours of seeing him, he cut me off...just like that!!!

"I hope adoptees can find it in their hearts to understand how much power they have to hurt those of us who so desperately want a relationship when they reject us"....I think deep down my son knows how hurt i am, i'm just worred that as more time goe's by it will be harder for him to try and contact me again, he did say once that he thought ignorance was best..perhaps thats what he is doing now..;but i am here and i do exist and i do have feelings!!!

"Yeah, it hurts like hell...but it is what it is. I will be punished for the decisions and actions of a 17-year-old girl from time to time until the day I die." ...... So true, i often think if i had the chance to go back, would i go through all the pain again, i cannot answer that because there's no going back, i made the decision i thought was the best for my son at the time, i was 16 going on 17 with no help or advice from anyone...i have to live with this decision, and its painful in all aspects.

"Is the worst part of "limbo" not knowing when it will end?"....Yes its a horrible, untouchable feeling we have no control or know what to think anymore, always going back over a hundred thousand millions of times what went wrong (if anything did) what did i say or do, i feel like screaming out sometimes saying "just tell me"........then maybe i could put myself at peace, but until then, yes i live in limbo, i lost my son once i don't want to lose him again, unless he has decided otherwise, its the "not-knowing" that is driving me crazy.

Well these are some of the points which i have felt ove rthe last couple of years since my son stopped contact, i just wish he would send a text or email, just to put my heart at ease, i never asked much from him, just abit of his time when i was over. He knows how i feel about him so there's no excuse that i have rejected him, maybe though he feels uneasy about my emotions towards him, seeing as there is'nt that much of an age difference really, i don't know, i go over a million possibilites and a million of questions but always end up against a blank wall...its so frustrating....................

Thankyou Sylvie for the link, sorry to have babbled on ;-)






"
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby sylvie » Thu May 08, 2014 10:18 pm

You haven't babbled Cleo, you are in great emotional pain.

I lost my son to adoption when I was a similar age to you, just a few years out of childhood myself.

My own view is that something like that shakes a person to their very core because it's such a colossal thing to happen at such a young and formative time of your life.
As teenagers, our independent selves and our brains were still forming (there are interesting articles here about teenage brain development which might help explain why we were so persuadable http://tinyurl.com/mydtp8x and http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2011/10/teenage-brains/dobbs-text )

Reunion also brings stuff that is so emotionally deep that it can take your breath away.

I think, Cleo, that it's important to start building up your own sense of self worth.
Teenagers losing their children hurts. It also erodes a young person's self-worth deeply, right at the start of their journey into adulthood.
Try and use this time to see your own worth. To pick yourself up and be kind and caring to yourself.

For now you may not be able to influence anyone else, but you can begin to tend the wounds you got as a teenager with love and understanding for yourself and for the young and vulnerable person you once were.
Reunited with my beloved son after decades of separation which began when I was a young teenager and he was newly born, and finally ended a few years ago when we met again as fully-grown adults.
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Sat Jun 28, 2014 6:08 pm

Hi sylvie,

I ahve been thinking about you and your son, and think you said that his Relationship ith his a.parents are not that good, i guess in a away that is good for your Relationship with him because he has somebody to talk too.

My son on the other hand has his mum who he is close too and of course his mother in law too, so i think that maybe he can carry on with his life knowing that i am out there, but no longer needs to have the ties to me, if you see what i mean. He came looking for me, found out about his story, and parhaps i held on too tight to him and he backed away shutting everything down with him. And just bascially getting on with his life like he did before.

Some days i Wonder if he thinks about me and the hurt he has caused, because he knows how i feel about him and my Grandson, he had the "power" if you like to come into my life and then leave as abrubtly...with me knowing nothing about him before or after.

Its so an auwkward situation, i feel as though i have been flung back to when i was 16, trying to decide what i should do for the best, should i try and hold on or should i just let go and make out as if none of this never happened. Why did he have to come and find me, why could'nt i be one of these birthmums who would of prefered to have no contact when he came looking for me and not meet up with him, why did i put myself through all of this pain again, i should of known this would of been too good to be true to last.

Yes i was very emotive with my son, i hugged him and held his hand as we walked in the park, but after all of these years thats all i ever wanted to do if he ever came into my life, i also gave him a couple of flicks around the ear when he was cheeky too (very lightheartedly) we had a lovely time togeteher when we first meet.

I am dreading what to do, one part of me wants to go and find him and ask what went wrong, but then i want to forget any of this ever happened, and another part of me wants to go and find out more about his family, but scared fo rocking the boat on both sides too.

As i look back and slowly remember my childhood, i relaise now what a dissapointment i must of been to my parents as i was the eldest child and a good person enjoying athletics and school, then passing my exams and also my driving test, and getting a job, all while i was expecting my son, obviously i had to give up sports and my job when it was getting late in my preganancy and i could no longer hide the fact. I finally left the country too leaving everyone behind, perhaps looking back now, my parents probably thought it was for the best too, they never once talked about my son, i think now too for them it as something that never happened, and i have had to cope with all the emotional pain by myself.

Did it make me a stronger person...i think yes, but also a person who finds it very hard to trust anyone, and also very lonely, i keep myself to myself, although i have alot of acquantancies i do not have friends so to speak, the only person i can trust is y husband, but that has taken years to build, but he has stood by me all this time, but i have also stood by him too.

I once read that after having a baby adopted our fondations are there, but unstable and over the years we build on these fondations always adding on top, thinking everything will be ok, until one day, everything comes crumbling down, and our foundations are bare for us to see and be reminded of what happened at the beginning of our youth. My son came looking for me i built an extra floor thinking this would be the 'penthouse'...but i guess it was too much and everything came crumbling down all around me...now i'm left with a pile of rubble.

I'm so glad to have this forum where i can speak and get what i feel of my chest, its so hard not having anyone to talk too but i cannot and will not even think about telling my parents about my son finding me, they would probably have a heart attack as they are getting on now. And to be honest they have never wanted to know from the start, i've had to deal with this myself and i'll continue to deal with this.

I love gene pitney and found this song that seems to sum up what i feel at the moment:

"I'm Gonna Be Strong"


I can see you're slipping away from me
and you're so afraid I'll plead with you to stay
But I'm gonna be strong and let you go your way

Our love is gone there's no sense in holding on
cos your pity now would be to much to bear
So I'm gonna be strong and pretend I don't care
I'm gonna be strong and stand as tall as I am
Yes I'm gonna be strong and let you run along
and take it like a man

When you say it's the end I'll just hand you a line
I'll smile and say don't you worry I'm fine
and you'll never know
darling after you kiss me goodbye
How I'll break down and cry


Thanks for listening to me again, give your son a big hug and cherish each moment you have with him xx
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby ladyarcher70 » Sat Jun 28, 2014 11:18 pm

I didn't realise, Cleo, that your parents were still alive.......they must be around the same age as me......or not much older ......... I wonder if they regret losing their grandson all those years ago.......I simply cannot imagine not having my grandchildren in my life even though the oldest two we rarely see, thanks to their mother making things difficult for my son to see them himself.......the oldest is seventeen now, and hopefully he can make his own decisions soon......

I cannot bear this culture of 'not saying anything' that seems to exist among b.mothers, and their own parents.......life is too short to keep making it full of secrets, taboo subjects that cannot be mentioned, and possible regrets..........it is possible that your parents may have a very different view now to what they had thirty years ago.......my youngest son is just 31......and things in the hospital maternity ward were very different from the attitudes forty six years ago when I had my first son.......forty six years ago a single mother in the ward at the same time as myself, was ostracised by the nurses....she was treated appallingly, whereas us goody goody young married girls were treated very differently..............however 31 years ago, when I had my youngest son, there were plenty of single mothers in the ward......things had changed a lot in those fifteen years........so it seems very odd to me that your parents should have allowed you to take the adoption route.....and not have supported you so you could continue to work.....having a child out of wedlock did not really raise eyebrows thirty years ago.....and also, of course, divorces had escalated due to the changes in the divorce law........so both of the great taboos had been well shaken out of the social positions that they previously held.........and your parents cannot have been unaware of this.......

.. ....it may be that they never talk about it because they don't want to upset you............. or possibly they feel guilty now, for not helping you at the time.....they must surely wonder about the grandson that they have not got........ have they got any from your siblings........... do your siblings know what happened ....

...... it seems to me that you have taken all the burden when others should have been helping you.........however much one wishes that one's children had done things in the 'right order', i.e. courtship, engagement, marriage and saving for a house, then - and only then - babies, hopefully followed by a long happy family life......but one can only start from where one is.......and if that place is with a daughter expecting, and no husband in sight, then the responsible loving parent supports their daughter, and loves their grandchild however it got there........

((((hugs as ever))))

LA-70
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Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Tue Jul 01, 2014 3:15 pm

Hi LA

Yes my parentss are still alive, in their 70's, sadly my parents never ever talked about things like this even now they will never mention what happened.

When i was younger my father always said, if any of you girls get pregnant, there's the door!! I was the eldest, and like i said i was not a bad person, i did my shoolwork and worked hard, i enjoyed sports etc etc, then i had my first boyfriend at a late age really compared to the other girls in school, sadly i fell on a rotten apple, he was a trouble maker and ended up in a detention center then later on, after we had finished, prison.....

He used to hang around at my school watching me do sports and following me when i did compétitions elsewhere. But my parents did not like him one bit, he caused alot of upset in the family. I never thought i would or could get pregnant being so late in starting into my adulthood, so to speak. But i did and i did'nt want to believe it. I was about to go through my exams, boyfriend had left me, he had another girlfriend, i was on my own not believing what i was going through, i finally got the courage to talk to my grandmother, who i was very close too, she told me to tell my parents, but a couple of weeks after telling her she had a heart attack and died...i blame myself for that.

And because of that i did'nt tell my parents until i was gone 7 and half months, i had hidden my bump and it was then winter time so i wore big lumpy jumpers and i was'nt very big anyway. I cannot remember my paretns saying anything at all, its all a blank, the only thing i remember is sitting down for an evening meal and then being very sick, mum and dad took me to the hospital, my son was born that evening, my mum and dad went home..the next day i held my son, i do not know how long for, but then the nurses took him away and i never saw him again.

I waited for my parents to come and pick me up after a couple of days, but my dad said i would have to wait at the hospital abit longer as there was alot of snow and he could'nt drive to the hospital...........so i waited......alone......in tears......

next thing i rmeember is being home waiting for the SS lady to come with the papers i had decided that my son would be adopted so he could have (i thought) a better life that i could not give him at such a young age. I got to choose from 3 différents A.parents, i chose one that i thought wuld be best thats when i wanted to give the gift that i had bought, but was advised from the SS lady that it was not a good idea, because if ever the A.Parents told my son he was adopted that it could put an extra burden on them, so i kept the gift hoping one day that i would be able to give it to him personally.....which i was able to do after 30 years of waiting.

My parents have never and will never talk about my son, its as though he never existed, its noth through upset or taboo, its that i was the eldest and i let them down big time, and nothing can repair that damage. I have kept my son a secret all my life, apart from my husband who i told before we got married, just in case my son did decide to look for me years after, i did'nt want to have to face that problem, lucikly my husband was understanding about the situation.

Sadly LA i will never tell my parents about my son finding me, it will do more harm than good, i have come to realise since my son found me that i have been living in a cocoon where my parents are concerned, and it has opened up alot of wounds and my hurt is so deep now realising what happened back then.

I had left the country with the help of my dad thinking it was for the best....yes..;but the best for who i now Wonder.......I guess out of sight out of mind was an good option. I thought i would be better off in another country not wondering if all the baby boys i passed in the street could be my son?

My siblings know nothing, they were young at the time, and like i sthe last stages of my pregnancy were through the winter months so i hid my bump,i also got on with life as normal, got myself a job after leaving school, but of course had to give that up when faced with what i was going to go through. I did'nt feel ashamed, i guess looking back on it all now, i was very lonely and having to cope with such a big decision by myself, thats why i closed down i guess, and never spoke of my son again.

In my heart he has always had a big part and i never ever forgot him, every birthday, Christmas, easter, i'd Wonder what he'd be upto, what his a.parents would be doing for him, if he turned out a good lad...compared to his B.dad. Millions of questions over the years. Ever time i saw something about adoption or films etc, i would get upset and hubby would say, maybe one day he'll come looking for you......but as the years went by, i thought it would be less likely, perhaps his parents did'nt tell him he was adopted, or perhaps he knew but did'nt want to know me...again a million questions!!

My parents do not feel guilty, my dad is a very down to earth person, and when i was younger what he said was like the bible to me, i thought my dad knew everything, its only as i got older and especially these past couple of years, that i have seen what it was really like, being abroad and only visiting on occassions i guess i was just building onto my unstable fondations thinking everything was fine....but now with the reality check...its not, and my hurt has deepened.

Yes they have other grandchildren but its not the great bond that most families have, my sister will say that yes they like seeing the grandkids but they have never looked after their grandkids over a night or weekend or do things grandparents do. When my youngest sister asked if they could babysit, their reply would be you wanted kids, you look after them, like we had to do with you lot!!! I guess that sounds harsh.

Anyway LA its not taboo or the fact about keeping secrets, my son is a secret and i guess always will be, he wants nothing to do with me, he never told his A.mum about finding me either, so i guess we're back to square one....back to the past, where neither of us existed in each others lives, which saddens me so much, because i would love to be a small part of my sons life, i never asked him personal questions i always let him talk, afraid of prying, i wish now i did ask, but its too late, unless i pluck up the courage to face him and ask what i have done so wrong for him to cut me off like this....

As i think i have already said to Sylvie, its a burden i have carreid with me since i made the decision over 30 years ago, wether it was right or wrong, i cannot change it, i have to live with this for the rest of my life, the only thing i would regret is if anything happened to me i would'nt have made peace with my son beforehand, thats why i have somedays the urge to go and find him, or even his mum and just say i am here, i do exist and i do have feelings.......

The pandora box has been opened by my son, but he shut it just as quickly, and thats so unfair without any explaination, he cannot just walk in and then out of my life as if i never existed....i guess i'm so hurt and trying to keep strong, my heart has been torn into so many pieces over the years and facing things that have laid buried all this time....i will have the strength to carry on, i have no choice.

I hope you understand LA why things are so hush hush, but the cat is in the bag and thats where it will stay until my dying day. I quoted to my son that "i have loved him from his first breath and will love him until my last" i don't think he realises how precious he is to me......and my Grandson.....

Hope your sister is doing ok, thinking of you all too and thankyou for writing to me
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm

Re: deciding i have waited long enough

Postby cleo » Sat Aug 02, 2014 1:27 pm

Hi all,

As i have said to Julie, i did a short trip to the uk, but did'nt get in contact with my son, and did'nt try and find his A.mum either, at the moment i will let things go, but that doe"snt mean that i don't want to contact his mum at some point, i just have a feeling that she should know about me before its too late, i know she will be a pensioner next year.

I have had a few upsets with my family too, and probably just being paranoid about everything, ever since my son came looking for me, things seem to have gone harewire with my parents...so i'm wondering ..do they know? We have never talked about my son from the day he was born till now. Its as if he never existed, i was left to my own devises when i got pregnant, and looking back now i must of been the black sheep of the family being the eldest too.

I have had to live and learn by myself the pain i went through at 16 turning 17, the choice i made back then, thinking it was the right thing to do.....how can my parents have been so negative (looking back now after 30+ years)

When i was leaving to come back home my dad did'nt even come to say goodbye to me, its only because my mum called him that he came to the window and waved out.

I thought to myself, i'm not going to get upset like the other times, i will let it go over my head....but after a couple of days of being home, i have had a good cry in the garden, wondering what has gone so wrong.......

Why is my life such a shambles in such a short space of time? I should be happy, but the saddness i have Inside is just eating away at me, i put on a brave face, but sometimes thats just not enough.

Why did my son have to come and look for me.....the hurt is so overwhelming......i miss him so much but there is nothing i can do to change this...they say time will heal all wounds, but i know that is not true...time hides the wounds until somebody opens them up again.....
cleo
 
Posts: 236
Joined: Tue Oct 15, 2013 2:21 pm


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