hold on or finally let go

Moderator: AfterAdoption

hold on or finally let go

Postby cleo » Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:44 pm

Well i have'nt had a brilliant christmas
I sent my son a text...nothing back, i got the courage to see if he has moved away or not...he has moved since a month ago!!

The question now is: its his birthday very soon, should i still send a text (just so he knows i'm thinking of him, and leave the door open) or not bother and finally accept the situation and let go, he obviously doe'snt want anything to do with me anymore :-(

Hurting really bad
cleo
 
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Re: hold on or finally let go

Postby Donotunderstand » Tue Dec 31, 2013 9:37 am

Hi,

I think send a text on his birthday but don't expect a reply and then leave it for a few months before trying again. It is hurtful to you so it depends on whether you can cope with the lack of response but if you can it might be worth it to the lines of communication open. At the moment I'm doing just that in an unobtrusive way- a private Facebook birthday message, a Christmas text to adoptive mum for the whole family and I've started something else which I'll put in another thread. I don't expect or get much response but they are reading them and haven't told me to stop so I will keep the lines of communication open unless they tell me to go away!!
Aunt to a sibling group split up by Adoption and Residence Orders. Mum to birth children age 28 & 26, and adopted 14 year old (youngest of the sibling group)
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Re: hold on or finally let go

Postby Summerbaby » Tue Dec 31, 2013 8:14 pm

Hello Cleo,

I am from another side of the adoption triad, I'm an adoptee in reunion with my Birth Parents (my mum is butterflylady). From my side as the child in the reunion relationship I'd say please continue to keep in contact, but keep it low key and if you decide to text once a , week, a month, or only on special occasions keep to what you decide I think keeping things low key but reasonably regular is the key here. That way your son knows your not disappearing, but has time to reflect on what's happened so far.

I know when we started on our reunion, we found times when we were overtaken by floods of confusing and sometimes conflicting emotions that meant we had very chatty times, but also some times that were quiet and we needed to take a step back.

To others who read our posts it may seem we have had it amazingly easy, and were lucky. Yes we've been lucky, but we have had a rollercoaster of a ride and have found things ebbed and flowed at different speeds as we progressed. We are both very fiery and can be stubborn so we've had to control this at times, and listen to each other and talk to each other giving the other a break and respecting their feelings/thoughts along the journey.

I hope your son manages to sit back and realise he has an amazing opportunity, and comes round to texting etc.... In time,it's extremely hard, but please be patient.
Dreams do come true!
Summerbaby
 
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Re: hold on or finally let go

Postby cleo » Wed Jan 01, 2014 1:21 pm

Hi summerbaby, and donotunderstand
I wish things could be different but the ball is in my sons court now, i have given him space, his last text to me last year was "i thinking of a good day" that was to meet up, but then nothing....and nothing since.......
I sent him a text for his birthday the day after his text..no reply, then it was my birthday..no reply
Sent a mail in march, his email account was closed in april.. i did'nt send him anything until november, a parcel for his son/my grandson...nothing...xmas i sent a text, nothing...go to his house and find out he has moved away.....
No much else i can do except face the fact he doe'snt want me in his life...........its just the not knowing what i have done wrong that hurts the most.....
cleo
 
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Re: hold on or finally let go

Postby Summerbaby » Wed Jan 01, 2014 2:48 pm

Hello Cleo,

I am with my Mum at the moment, we've both read your message and have been chatting about it.

I know how painful it must be not to hear a reply, but please don't tell your son that you stopping the texts etc.... Reunion is completely illogical emotion wise, and even though he's the one who has started off withdrawing from contact, if you say you are stopping texting/keeping in. Touch he will feel that you are abandoning him for the 2nd time - I know this isn't true, but it will be turned back on you and may well shatter any chance of picking it up again in the future.

Men are different, and struggle much more with their feelings and find it hard to show/deal with them at the next of times.

If you decide to text less, then do so if you need to, to protect yourself but don't even hint at stopping contact to your son,

Just out of interest (you don't have to answer this) but I was wondering why other members of your family weren't told.

I know you've told your son everything he's asked, but feel that he's not shared as much as you want/need him to. We've been in contact for 3 years, yet i know my Mum still would love to hear/learn so much more about me and my life/adoption feelings etc..... I have been so curious to know everything and anything about her and my Dad and extended family, but in some ways I am a very private person so its taking me time to learn to be more open and not worry so much about protecting each side of the triad in what I say or do.

Please keep coming on here for support.
Dreams do come true!
Summerbaby
 
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Re: hold on or finally let go

Postby ladyarcher » Wed Jan 01, 2014 4:38 pm

Butterfly Lady and Summer Baby, it is absolutely fascinating to hear about the way your reunion has been going......so valuable to so many on here who have had struggles in the past and those who are struggling now...

...sadly my own b.mother is long gone......... I would have loved to have known more about her, and her thoughts and feelings, but at the time I was perfectly content just to have found her and to have gentle light level contact....... I had hoped to know more at some time, but did not push for it....... and when young we think we have all the time in the world, so no rush....... I was very busy with two young teenage boys from my first marriage and the three young ones from my second marriage, and my recently widowed a.mother who had deteriorating mobility............and my b.mother too was busy with helping her youngest daughter and her two young children through her marriage break up.......... however we learn that we don't have all the time in the world..... and suddenly it is too late.......

You are very right about the difference in the way men deal with emotions and particularly with reunions ...... and also you are very right about telling Cleo not to slam the door by saying she is cutting off contact ........ doors should always be left a crack open ....... so much easier to push than to unlatch, if that is not taking the metaphor too far ..........it is possible that an intermediary might be helpful now, to perhaps get a feeling of how her son is progressing in his own thoughts....... it is likely, being a man, that he has shoved it all into a 'mental box', and shut the lid for the moment .......but of course that is not an option for Cleo ........

LA
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Re: hold on or finally let go

Postby cleo » Wed Jan 01, 2014 7:37 pm

HI all,

I have no intention of telling my son i am 'shutting down' but after trying to hold on for so long i'm just tired of holding onto a thread, he is the one shutting me out and now after 2 years of not eeing him and a year of silence on his part, i don't see the point in trying to keep the door open where he has moved on and not even told me.......like i said i have kept my distance this year with about 3 texts and a parcel, but no reply at all ;-(

I know deep down that if i don't send a text for his birthday i will feel bad as i have always thought of him, but i feel that he has'nt bothered giving any sign of hope, so i might just as well untie the knot...this year has been so upsetting for me, i just seem to be going around in circles..if i knew what i'd done rong i could accept the situation better, but i don't know what when wrong, i have always been honest with him, perhaps he wasn't ready to face the facts of me being part of his life. Like ladyarcher, i never pushed to find out more about him at the time i was just so happy to have him look for me and knowing he was doing well in life. And honestly thought 'we'd have a lifetime of getting to know each other' (his words, not mine) he even called me mum twice which i was over the moon with, i never expected him to say that to me.

Summerbaby you say i should'nt say im closing the door in case he feels i'm abanoning him again...but he's the one who has withdrawn..then closed his email and now moved away without saying anything!!! surely he's the one abandoning me, perhaps its his way of making me understand he wants nothing to do with me anymore. And the fact he posts a photo of himself and his son on FB hurts even more. I am a very private person, and don't trust easily, and usually keep my feelings to myself, or hide in my bedroom to have a good cry, but when my son found me, i told him everything...now looking back maybe i should'nt of. Maybe i should of kept my walls up, then i would'nt of got hurt so badly.

Its such a hard thing to go through not knowing whats best to do, i've tried to hold on but to no avail, my door ill always be slightly open but i cannot hold on to somebody who obviously doe'snt want me in his life ;-(
cleo
 
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